US 1, England 1

Well, something like that. You've got to make it topical, haven't you?

We had a long phone call with a lawyer tonight - quite productive and reassuring - though of course now we have more homework.

I'm in the middle of cutting out some red-eye from some pictures of us with the nieces, and then going to have an initial look at the form for the lawyer. We'd like to work with another agency as well though they recommend doing some networking ourselves. I am not quite so sure about that but I suppose it gives me something to do. I have a large number of contacts in the US of course (just looking down my Facebook list) and some of them are just the kind of people to hand out letters for us.

I've put Mr Spouse on to finding us a notary and picking more photos...

I am relieved to hear that: we don't have to do more than one application form (they will forward all our information to the other agency); we don't have to do a new home study (updating the home study seems to just involve a letter from our agency here saying nothing has changed/we've got a new cat/Mr Spouse has finished his course); we probably have to find one new referee but already have a candidate; we probably have all our other paperwork in order.

Later - I've got to page 12 out of 23 and am flagging...

Because it's there...

I avoid Mother's Day and we don't really do Father's Day but there are some lovely posts I've been reading today:

Cheese and Beans got some beer and camped out on the school field.

Mr Luna seems to be walking very, very slowly.

A is a great dad and has a great father-in-law too.

Production not Reproduction is thinking about a blank space on a birth certificate, and some other fathers, some absent, some not.

My favourite non-adoption Dad, Daddy Types, got a hand-painted mug.

I didn't ask Mr S what he thought of Father's Day (we don't do it, as I say, he didn't do it when his dad was alive so I know it is not particularly sad for him) but today, he worked out, is Bring Your Screaming Toddlers To The Supermarket Day. I told him he can take ours when we have one.

I hate skinny doctors

I guess it should have given me a clue that this particular GP has loads of spaces.

So - and I suppose this is marginally logical - I'm either having much, much shorter cycles getting shorter all the time (26 days going down to 22 days going down to 12 days) or I'm having slightly shorter cycles (or randomly fluctuating cycles) with mid-cycle bleeding. Or, of course, I'm having completely random cycles. And, since I've only had one 12-day interval, we don't yet know which it is. What happens next is probably worth recording, and I'm to go back and see her in 3 months' time if it's still screwy.

Oh, and could I be pregnant? Well, technically, perhaps I WAS pregnant but do I want to know if I had another miscarriage? But it wouldn't be a disaster if I was? Well, not a disaster, but we know where pregnancy goes for me, and we're in the middle of adopting. So it wouldn't be a disaster?

Clearly someone who has no idea of the process of adoption in the UK (though to be fair we were a bit blase about getting pregnant during adoption a couple of years ago, although for us it was mainly because we thought it wouldn't happen).

So, shall we do a pregnancy test? Well, no, because I'm clearly not pregnant any more EVEN IF I EVER WAS.

Well, if you are bleeding in the middle of your cycles, we'd want to worry about that, but I'm not going to tell you why. But if you just have reeely reeely short cycles that's OK (is it? not OK with me thanks!). Not much we can do about it - we could put you on the mini pill but that tends to cause spotting. But you're over 35 and then there's your weight... so we shouldn't really put you on the combined pill.

Now maybe I look completely HUGE to this woman (estimated BMI about 18). But I am actually no longer obese, I may still be in the overweight bracket but I'm damn fit and I'm 2 stone lighter than I was when someone said that to me before (aged 35 and about 2 months). And the next doctor who saw me took one look at me and said "erm, overcautious much? you'd be fine". And she didn't even BLOOMIN' WEIGH ME! Do they bring all the skinny GPs in and say "look, if they appear to have eaten any cream cakes recently, or are fatter than you, don't give them the pill".

I didn't actually want to take the combined pill (unless this gets worse and there's no other treatment). But now of course this makes me want to just to spite her.

I'm facing it

CD 12 and more bleeding. I am assuming this is really the beginning of the end, unlike the other times when I thought it was the beginning of the end. Mirena has been mentioned. I don't know what to think. Except to feel a little sad.

Flashbacks

I am not normally too bad, but at the moment on the forum I frequent there is a very lengthy thread by/about/to a much-loved poster who is waiting to find out if she is miscarrying. I am repeatedly drawn back to it and yet it is giving me awful flashbacks.

I need a distraction - and the rather sloppily-written paper I'm trying to review isn't helping.

I would dearly like to know what is up ...

(though if you don't feel like examining the contents of my M&S briefs, click away now)

1st observation: my last cycle was 26 days long, much shorter than my normal 28-30, though otherwise normal.

2nd observation: normal fertile CM at a normal point (10-14ish days)

3rd observation: a little bit more, possibly, around 20 days.

4th observation: around 22-23 days, a whole bunch more, but blood-tinged. Have never had that before except bang in the middle of a cycle after a miscarriage

5th observation: day 23, spotting, followed the next day by full bleeding

6th observation: hair-tearing on account of not really wishing to have much, much shorter cycles

7th observation: day 3, the fertile CM is back. Erm, what???!

I've got a notebook and I'm not afraid to use it...

I just bought a shiny new notebook* to use in my new role (over the summer) on my media placement. We had our induction day today; the various interns are going to different papers and media outlets but we all got together today, and chatted about our varied experience with science and the media. Most of us either do a lot already or are very keen about interacting with the media though there is one old codger who was cynical about the value of science and media and who grumbled about how the media "make things up". And who was told off for adding "facts" to a story-writing exercise we were given...

I'm thinking about anonymity. I told most of the other interns about my semi-professional blog and people are very interested and obviously I want readership; I have Web presence both in this pseudonym and also in my real name, with only a few people linking the two. I suppose I can link to that blog from pieces under my real name, but change my posting moniker on there (it doesn't link from there to here, though I've posted a couple of links under the Dr Spouse handle to the other blog).

I really don't want this particular blog public, and especially don't want my family and colleagues finding this (and it would be a complete nightmare if anyone from any of the adoption agencies found it), but I'm keen for readership to be open. It's a poser.

*Paper variety. Lack of electronic variety daily source of woe.

Will not think about it... will not think about it...

My friend whose family emergency prevented us getting together yesterday made it down to see us today. We hadn't seen each other for ages and though we'd been on the phone, it hadn't been for long enough to completely update on the adoption process. We tried to explain as best possible - she is very pragmatic and doesn't faint in horror at the thought of long legal processes nor the thought of becoming parents costing us a lot of money - and Mr Spouse has now become Official Legal Process Explainer and also Official Advocate For Openness in Adoption. Go Mr Spouse!

Anyway, and I think she was going to offer anyway, when she heard how we will have little or no notice of a match and will really not be wanting to buy all our baby stuff months in advance, she offered us her entire loft full of cot/buggy/other baby stuff. I doubt we'll need to buy any newborn clothes either as I gather these all just turn up as gifts left, right and centre. As I mainly have hippy breastfeeding friends, I imagine all we'll need to buy will be a cot mattress, a car seat, and bottles.

But I just said I wasn't going to start thinking about buying baby stuff, didn't I?

Last

Nothing philosophical... but, with a surname that puts me first or second in pretty much every list below about 100 names, I've realised that my blog name actually puts me last in most lists (or near there).

I didn't do it on purpose, but I don't know if it means I get overlooked on blogrolls (especially long ones where people give up by the time they get that far) or in fact if it means people skim the middle and see my link.

It's not such an interesting blog name, anyway - I was thinking of changing it. Don't know what to yet.

What do you do...

about flaky friends?
Some people do just have complicated lives. One of my friends has just let me down on first an arrangement and then its rearrangement. The first time she had got her work weekends wrong (so really shouldn't have made the arrangement at all) but the second time she's had a family disaster (and it only just happened so she didn't know before I just asked her if she was still on).

I try to be sympathetic to those with kids, especially those with kids and complicated family arrangements (this friend is a single mum, though the disaster is not child-related). And a couple of my most flaky friends do not have children - just an inability to organise their diaries (or in some cases even keep one). And, given a couple of rather unpredictable aspects of our lives in recent years (first dominant theme is of course me being pregnant and then not again, several times, and the more recent dominant theme is the increasing, though perhaps now slowed, decline of mother-in-law's grasp on reality), I sometimes feel a bit grumpy at the implication made by many of my friends and acquaintances with children that they are a get-out-of-jail-free card. Any cancelled arrangements that are to do with children are allowable - any other reason is not.

I hope I am not flaky though I have no real perspective on this. I think I used to be semi-flaky when I lived in London and tried to go out a lot - I always ended up saying I'd go out and then getting home and feeling too exhausted to trek back to central London, or else saying I'd go out straight from work and ending up going home instead.

But perhaps this is what my currently flaky friend, and I in the past, have in common - we are/were single. When you are single, your social life revolves around people who do not live in your house - and who you inconvenience more when you let down. If Mr Spouse and I make firm arrangements involving train tickets or films/shows that are paid for, we know we'll keep to them unless something really dire comes up. If we've said "maybe we'll go to the cinema" but something comes up, we tend not to. We can be spontaneous most of the time because, well, he's right there and I tend to know what he's doing.

Where this leaves me - with friend 1 who has a genuinely complicated life, and other friends, who have an inability to manage their diary - is still feeling frustrated, and lacking in someone to go out and play with (this being an event that Mr Spouse doesn't really want to participate in, and besides, he has exams).

An unintended advantage

I've realised, in my attempt to expand my lingerie wardrobe, that I've been the same bra size exactly for about 2 years.

I seem to be doing OK on the eating-what-I-need-and-exercising front but I'm sure not trying to get pregnant is helping. Both in terms of not expanding/losing weight if I actually am pregnant, and then not again, and in terms of too much "must drink now as won't be able to if I am pregnant" and "not pregnant again, hey ho, let's eat chocolate".

Incidentally I ordered a few bra/knicker sets from Bravissimo and M&S - I'm keeping a purple Bravissimo set.

Faint

I actually got my police check back from obscure-African-country no 2. The cost was $25 and there were about $3 in stamps on the envelope. Plus they spent about $3 sending us a letter to tell us the payment format was wrong, a couple of months ago.

Well done, Mr Chief Inspector.

Check

Got our approval from the Decision Maker through the post (a piece of paper, but not one we had to fill in). I see the point in a fair few of the other steps in the process, but this one, erm, NO. If you didn't agree with the decision of the panel, you'd be appealing.

Filled in our form for our Supervising attorney and sent them the first chunk of money (though not by cheque/check). This one was actually electronic but I'll count it as piece of paper no 18.

I must be weird...

...for wanting to wear pretty underwear, but not wanting to wear a thong. All the underwear one seems to be able to buy is either a) boring black, white, or beige cotton, b) has prints or colours that would suit a five-year-old or c) is a thong. Or HUGE. There is a time and a place for power knickers, but I am in the mood for something in a small brief or bikini but in slightly more interesting colours.

And don't even get me started on natural fabrics.

Dilemma

Slightly resolved, but frankly, in what other job do you have to pay for your own travel (or indeed pay for your own travel up front on the off-chance you get funding that you won't hear about till you've done the travel)?

My university has no money, sadly the BBC unit I'll be working for has no money (well, it's radio, what do you expect?), I suspect the organisation sponsoring the media fellowships has no money (though I am asking) and the conference organisers have no money.

And, sadly, I have no research money either as we just heard in the last 2 days we didn't get two rather lovely and essential pieces of research funded.

Now I have to tell the very nice conference organiser that I can't come to the conference even though they've bent over backwards to organise a special session for me.

Limp

After what was one of my busiest weeks in recent memory (a day out with our Christian/Muslim women's group on Saturday, a short walk up a hill on Sunday morning and Brownie madness on Sunday night) I spent today having a migraine - and, for the first time, throwing up. On the carpet. And the bathroom floor.

Good practice for Mr Spouse at being a dad, eh?

We have some things...

We have an acceptance on a British Science Association Media Fellowship. I'm going to be spending 6 weeks at the BBC trying to persuade them that psychology is science and that cute recordings of children speaking (courtesy probably of my long-suffering colleagues) make good radio/online clips.

We do not, however, have an MP. We are still waiting to hear.

(Stop press. We do have an MP. A blue one. AGAIN. Gah. Majority of 333 this time. Gah. Why are people silly enough to think that voting Green or Lib Dem - 8,000 of the latter this time - is a good idea in a marginal? Vote Green or Orange, Get Blue).

The Daily Mail Guide to Adoption

I have been hearing some myths around so thought I'd clear a few up... These are things I've heard about adoption in the UK.

(One point to note is that many local authorities ("social services") have very few resources available for assessing adopters. They focus their efforts on front-line child protection and tend to be very slow and look for ways to exclude adopters - because otherwise they'd be looking at 2 years or more in some cases even before prospective adopters can go on a preparation course. But some local authorities place most of their children through charities ("voluntary agencies") and the variety of adopters approved through these agencies is much greater.)

"You can't adopt if you don't own your own home"
Plenty of people who are renting their home adopt children. If you move every 6 months it might not be the most stable situation for a child who has, up till now, moved every 6 weeks.

"Your finances will be scrutinised and you have to earn loads of money".
We had to submit one month's bank statements. They care more about us because we have to be able to afford the fees. You can be on benefits and still adopt.

"You can't adopt if you have a significant health problem".
I think that might be true if you have a life-limiting illness and have little prospect of seeing your child turn 18. Mr Spouse has type 1 diabetes. I have a friend who has an adopted child who has MS. People have adopted post-cancer.

"You can't adopt if you have a history of mental health issues".
As our social worker says, "going to see a therapist is a Good Thing. We like you to get help when you need it". If your mental illness is very very poorly controlled (multiple long stays in hospital) then perhaps not. If you aren't comfortable talking to a professional (the social worker) about your mental illness, it might be better to get more comfortable talking about it to other people before thinking about adopting.

"You can't adopt if you are older".
Some agencies prefer there to be a maximum 45 year gap between the younger partner and any child. From what many second-time adoptive parents have said, this only seems to apply to the first child (I have heard of several situations where a second child, under 5 or even under 2, has been placed with couples of whom the younger was in their 50s). So, if you are in your early 50s (the younger of the partner) you'd be looking at a primary school aged child. Yes, there are situations where you are unlikely to be matched with a preschool child or an under-2.

"Lots of children are given back".
The general rate of disruption for adoptions in the UK is, I think, about 15%. That is not great but most people are on the good side. I've read 30% for adoptions over 5 (most adoptions in the UK are under 5 - the vast majority - the average age is in the 2-4 year age range with about 6 months to a year between placement and adoption - so placement at 12 months to 3y). Our agency's disruption rate is 5% and they mainly place children over 3. Do your homework and find an agency with decent post-adoption support.

"Everyone you have ever met will be police checked, medical checked, and financially checked"
No-one but you and your partner will have any of these checks. The only exception is if you are single and regularly relying on specific family or friends for childcare (and then it's only police checks). I have heard that some social workers ask you not to let your child go on a sleepover if the parents in question haven't been police checked - but I have also heard this has been discontinued even for foster children because otherwise their lives are pretty abnormal. But once your child is adopted, they are YOUR child and you make the decisions.

Social workers do get in touch with former live-in partners and any children not living with you (taking with a pinch of salt anything told them by disgruntled exes). This is because there have been cases of adopters whose former partners could have told them they were violent nutters, had they been asked.

"You can't adopt if you have a criminal record"
You can't adopt if you have a criminal record for offences against children. Doh. Also violence. Doh. Not drugs, speeding, and a huge variety of other things. It is probably better that adopters not be perfect little middle-class couples who've never strayed and have no idea what their child's birth parents' lives could possibly be like. When your child draws a lovely picture of a needle and a syringe it is helpful not to freak out.

"You can't adopt a child of a different ethnicity to yourself and all the children available for adoption are black"
It is true that a disproportionate number of children in care are non-white. But it is not true that no inter-racial adoptions take place in the UK. If you are a white couple who ring up an agency or your local authority and ask about adoption, it will be assumed you want a white child and wouldn't be interested in an inter-racial placement. Some social workers are still a bit iffy about inter-racial placements but they happen and they can be successful if the adopters are properly prepared. Find a different agency or social worker is my advice.

"You can't adopt if your house isn't perfect. You have to spend thousands on renovations before being approved".
Basic safety checks appropriate to the age of the child being placed are needed before placement. It's likely your social worker will run through what might need doing while visiting your home, and that when you are matched with a child their social worker will check you have stair gates/a lock on the liquor cabinet/know a small amount about Facebook (dependent on age).

"You can't adopt if you smoke".
You can't adopt a child who is asthmatic and sensitive to smoke, if you smoke. Doh.

"You can't adopt if you have pets"
Some children ask to be placed with a new mum and dad who have a dog/cat/stick insect. But you have to be prepared for the reaction of the pet to the children and vice versa.

Basically, if you want an under-2-year-old without a significant disability, you will be waiting for ages but you should be able to find an LA that will approve you eventually (though maybe not your local one - in some cases as a matter of policy due to proximity). We didn't want to wait that long. If you are happy to have a 3-year-plus - or a couple of them - you will find VAs are more flexible and quicker. We wanted to have a go at a baby this time - hence our going overseas. We have not been "rejected" by the UK system, though doubtless the Daily Mail would see it that way - we just want to do it differently.

Yes it was today...

...and yes, they said yes. The questions they asked were not quite what we'd been led to expect, and I did have to kind of restrain myself from saying "despite what you've read in the Primal Wound it's not that likely our under-2-month-old will have attachment problems", but they decided super-quickly and the SW rang us almost before we had turned our phones back on.

Obviously she had written in glowing terms about us (because obviously we are super wonderful people) but I do slightly suspect they also feel this might be an "easy" adoption in terms of post-adoption support.

Next up: contacting the lawyer who is likely to oversee the US end, for a rather expensive introductory phone call, and getting lots of documents notarised.

A meme...

My brain was invaded by the not-sleeping monsters last night, and then again this morning (it's good practice for having a kid, right?) so I'm avoiding work. And the lovely May nominated me for this:

The rules: List 10 things that make your day & then give this award to 10 bloggers.

This may be slightly sleep-deprivation influenced, I warn you

1. Coffee. Serious barrier to thinking about trying to get pregnant again
2. When my statistics come out right. Especially when they come out righter than they did before I spotted a rogue data point which I have a really good, justifiable reason for excluding
3. Mr Spouse leaning over and rubbing my back/holding my hand in bed when he knows I need it but wants to sleep himself
4. 12 small girls (and counting - we had a population increase this week) dressed in yellow and brown
5. Cake. Especially cupcakes.
   
6. Knitting. Virtual knitting is pretty good for helping you sleep, too
7. Sewing. I have a wifi music player in my sewing attic and can sit for hours pottering away and creating things (some of which I will even wear) listening to audio books.
8. Trashy TV. The things I like to watch that Mr Spouse doesn't like are currently, Gray's Anatomy, Glee, and The Mentalist.
9. Facebook. But I don't play games.
10. The fact that it's just a week till our adoption approval panel.
    

Some people who also regularly make my day:

1. Ms Prufrock (and you're right, it is about damn time for some music)
2. Henry Street
3. A+A
4. Little Dragon Fruit
5. reservado para futura mama (who hasn't posted in a while, and I'm not sure she reads here, but I like her blog)
6. Goose
7. Me, Him & Junior
8. Lindyloodles
9. Pamplemousse (because we all want to know how she is doing)
10. Sell Crazy Someplace Else (again quiet for a bit, are you sensing a theme here!)
    

I'm sure you've all been here

Facebook announcement - X is having a little baby brother or sister in October (so that's end of 1st trimester now, right?). X was present at the scan. Why would you do that??!

What's even more galling is this is a couple that was, for good reason, getting upset about taking a really long time to get pregnant the first time; reading between the lines, there may have been a minor issue that they were unwilling to treat (or even get diagnosed properly; I seem to remember a whisper of MF and a grumpy husband). But age (20-something) and time were on their side; the happily sub-fertile.

Wahey

We're going to go and see Peter Kay on Friday - he has some pre-tour charity gigs in a local venue (local to him, fairly local to us).

We actually have tickets to see him in April 2011 which is ages away - and isn't the latest date available - a friend just got tickets for Nov 2011.

Awww....

Very nice report. Full of lovely phrases. A couple of blanks and inaccuracies, and also quite a bit of boilerplate stuff that she has to put in and that isn't really relevant to our situation and that, erm, we never actually discussed (but that was on our preparation course - for example references to children who've experienced trauma).

I think there's one thing I'd really like to discuss but that we haven't really covered in either place, which is parenting an adopted adolescent. But there is loads of time for that as the agency takes a life-long approach (as it should do, given what we've paid them!)

We got it...

Our Prospective Adopters' Report.

We need to read and return ASAP; I'm assuming the social worker is planning on doing the final interview with Mr Spouse and tacking it on to the end (or, she's made it up). Will let you know if we approve of it!

It's not every day...

that you go to a wedding with the Birmingham Irish Pipe and Drum band playing the couple into the reception. Nor one where the demise of the pig for the hog roast is announced in advance.

May I join?

The latest Open Adoption Roundtable is thinking about money.

I've been having a discussion about adoption and the costs associated with a group of non-adopters (mainly) on a semi-professional discussion board. I'm not open on there about the fact that we are adopting, and I do know something about adoption from a professional point of view, so I've mainly emphasised that part of it.

I know there's a lot of misconception in the US about the costs of adoption (for example, many people are under the impression that adopters who choose an overseas adoption mainly do so because it is cheaper - we have found out from various sources that Russia, for example, is vastly more expensive than adopting from the US, even for us with our additional UK costs).

In the UK most adoptions are free, or virtually free. Some fellow prospective adopters have had to pay for medicals or occasionally if their adoption was contested, for legal expenses (which are a lot less costly than in the US). In some cases they've only hired a solicitor for peace of mind, really.

So we are kind of keeping quiet about the costs. Family and friends here think it is free, or almost as cheap as they think UK adoption costs. Oddly people in the US seem to think that foster care adoption is also horrendously expensive (in fact, sometimes you can get paid to adopt in the US, in the same way you can in the UK, e.g. through allowances for adopting a special needs child).

But we would not be able to adopt - and we would also not be able for Mr Spouse to study as he is doing - if we were not financially comfortable. We live in a cheap part of the country and we don't have very expensive tastes. We were brought up by stingy parents who taught us never to get in debt. We have additional rental income and considerable savings (it's mainly the savings that are paying for the adoption).

We are very much hoping that we'll end up in an open adoption with some direct contact with some members of our child's birth family. I have no idea how money will enter into that relationship - but I know I've been in a slightly similar situation before. When I was fostering A, and later when we were helping him to get through school, first his father and then he were often requesting money from me and us (obviously I was single when this first came up). It was easier, though, in both cases, than it might be with some relatives/birth family members - A was a child (and as such prone to flights of fancy about what might be reasonable expenses) and his father was an alcoholic. But we visited A, paid for him to go away with us to visit his father, and when A was living with me, I did help his father with practical things. Given his situation, I didn't know he wouldn't sell his clothes/medicine to buy drink. I suspect he took his son's clothes once to sell to buy drink. It's hard.

Just wondering...

which of my colleagues/colleagues' partners will have had their baby over the weekend. Though bets are on N rather than A as I think A is not due till next month.

It is very inconsiderate of N as until recently N resided elsewhere (a short hop by plane). Now N is grounded N's partner P no longer has to do a lot of flying and gets less time to read things we want P to read. And once the baby is born P will be even busier I suspect.

As I say, very inconsiderate.

Spam comments

Anyone know how to stop these happening? I probably get one every week or two so not that many - but I already have word verification, moderation on posts older than 28 days, and registered users only.

Mostly they are in Chinese so I'm assuming they are just irritating rather than successful!

Moving along...

One of our referees has done her interview with the social worker - they got on like a house on fire apparently - our friend liked her and she was very complimentary about us. She feels that all the changes Mr Spouse has had in the last few years will mean he takes being a new parent in his stride. I'm not sure about the second "friend" referee but I know the "family" interview is also now timetabled.

My moves towards world media domination are slightly further forward - I've been shortlisted for a summer placement for a few weeks with a paper or radio/TV company - a science media reporting scheme. My boss says (and he may be right) that being in a slightly more media-friendly field (most people know what a child is, not as many can tell atmospheric chemistry from a hole in the ground) may give me the edge over some scientists. Unfortunately it may mean I have to report on atmospheric chemistry or, indeed, holes in the ground.

A great quote

From the lovely Waffle:

"This is by far the largest category of the blogs that I read. I pulled them all together under this heading. I used to subdivide them into mothers (obviously, I read a lot about mothers), infertility (because being infertile makes you a better writer - this appears to be true)"

I am not too sure if I am really a good writer, but it makes me feel better about reading so many IF blogs - it is the quality, not my obsession. Honest.

Pieces of paper part 3

OK, so we did produce:
12. A family tree each (so I'm counting that as one, but mine covered 3 sheets)
13. Chronology each
14. Childhood story each
15. Financial statement (reassuringly healthy)

and I despaired so much I didn't keep count. Then we got (did I say this already?) a letter saying we'd paid one of the countries I used to live in, in the wrong form, so we should send cash please (very polite they were, and it was only $25 so I am not that bothered if it goes astray). So I guess the next one is
16. New letter to country I used to live in
and then
17. Details of support network (I think this is mainly people we know, though I'm checking whether it's also institutional and organisational support).

To be honest none of these individually is that difficult to do (the support network took me about an hour, if that, tonight) but it all adds up.

Well, OK

Being back at a computer that lets me post does not, we can see, make me post any more.

Vast quantities of chocolate are still sitting on the dresser, we had a lovely if random day with friends on Sunday, and I finished this top for my niece who will be 4 shortly:

Very sorry

I do hope I am not humorous at all.

Together with the blocking of Facebook, all other social networking sites, Blogger, Ebay, the Bravissimo site (I only wanted to look at the dress styles!), Youtube, Flickr et al., and the other blog hosts, as well as at least one famous IF blogger, I tried to access something today only to receive the by-now-familiar "sorry, blocked because..." logo.

This time it was blocked because it is "humor" [sic - I only say "sic" because I'm in a UK-spelling-zone and this blocker is run by a UK-spelling-organisation].

Better watch it folks - you might get blocked.

Thinking of taking things in hand

So to speak.

I have to confess that with 4 days away, a week back, and now 10 days away from Mr Spouse, I am really missing him.  You know what I mean. But I am also acutely aware that I have let things slide in the bedroom department. Loads of good reasons - when we were actively Trying I didn't want to rock the boat, so if things work for me, grand, if not, I'd not complain, but just get on with it.  Now we are actively Avoiding then the problems relating to Mr Spouse's diabetes plus the obligatory use of condoms has made us a bit reluctant at certain times of the month when they are necessary; we can use a certain medication (not the blue one) but it causes headaches (in the person taking it, I hope you realise, not the partner!) so it's really for special occasions/when we'll get a lot of "use" out of it/when he already has a headache and doesn't think it will get any worse!

But I am thinking we are doing ourselves (especially me) a disservice.  We are (OK this is really hard to talk about!) somewhat limited in the positions we can use, physically (again relating to the reason for the medication, if you get my drift), but we have tended to fall into a habit of, if it's OK for him, that's the end of it.  He does his best, but sometimes I'd like him to do it for a bit longer - and sometimes being enthusiastic doesn't cut it - and sometimes I'm not actually sure what will work until it actually does.

OK my embarrassment threshold has probably now been reached but although I'm not entirely sure if our fertility issues have really led to this - and it's not really THAT bad to be honest, I'm pretty sure they haven't helped, and we have certainly been through better patches.  

Consider myself duly told

I cannot link to this in the title as I am blogging by email, and neither can I comment as Wordpress is blocked and I don't know of a way to comment by email (anyone?) but hopefully this link will alert the blogger in question.

I suspect that after panel will be a good time to ditch the rotten prophylactics - so the minute I get home will be the right time to start up with the folic acid again I think.

Thinking of you, g.

Budget

Today's expenditure (the currency here works out at a multiple of 3 to the £ hence the slightly odd figures):

Chapatti (pre-lunch snack): 12p
Lunch (boiled sweet potatoes and red beans): 83p
Two pairs of earrings (bone, I think - one shaped like elephants and one shaped like giraffes): £1.33
One necklace (rolled up paper beads - there is a handy craft market this week outside the clinic where my student's study is taking place and I suspect more money will be spent there tomorrow): £1
Swimming at hotel nearby: £3.33
"Passion" juice at hotel: £1.67
Ride back up hill to guest house on motorbike taxi: £1 (apparently I was overcharged. Though it does cost less to go down the hill, it is true, as it takes less fuel)
Ironing from yesterday: £1.16

I don't think we'll go broke just yet.

Oh Noes!

How am I going to survive for 10 days with no FB (I thought I could get on after 5 but apparently not, and I can't even update by webtext as the update number doesn't work on the webtext system), no Twitter (which I don't use that much but which would be a good substitute), and no Blogger (I'm updating by email), Wordpress, or I assume Typepad.

I know why they do it, but it's very frustrating to the terminally linked-in.  I can read anything on Google Reader, but many of you only post partial feeds...

Hangers-on

This is probably not of much interest to the non-churchgoers among you (what's that, 90% of my readership?) but anyway, we went to a service tonight to welcome our new vicar. We had read a little about him and there had been a couple of announcements. Tonight he was there, and was officially welcomed, "and David".

"Did you know there was a David? I didn't know there was a David".

Now we are not quite sure who David is. David could be his partner. Or he could be his son. If it was the person sitting next to him, and if he is a son, he is at the youngest in his late teens (I didn't get a clear view, sorry, I'm nosy, but not that nosy). We certainly have another vicar in the area who comes with "children, sometimes". And David could also be an absent (with ex-wife, at home asleep) younger child.

But I think my general question is one of the slight disconnect between the rest of the working world (where a colleague or even, say, a teacher in a tiny village community, or a local councillor, for both of whom community links are important) would be welcomed on their own - not with their family - and the world of the church, were it is assumed family will automatically be part of what is, essentially, the new employee's workplace. And it works both ways - Mr Spouse recounts how in a previous church the minister's wife had decided that it was her church and this was not really what the congregation had in mind, as they had employed the minister, not her. Perhaps this does happen with under-employed or busybody spouses of employees in other occupations, though.

But the cynic in me thinks that (especially if David is a partner, which I strongly suspect) if the partner had been a wife, we'd have heard a lot more about her by now. I'm not sure if this is sexist (female vicar's husband wouldn't have been mentioned so much, either, perhaps) or sexual-orientation-ist.

Disappointing

We will now not be having our panel next month - it's going to have to be May.

Part of this is because our SW has been out of the office a lot so she hasn't been able to schedule a final appointment (I'm still not clear if she needs to see both of us but she definitely needs to see Mr Spouse) in time to send them the paperwork. But she also slightly worryingly said that it was partly because she had "not had all the overseas checks back". If she's waiting for them to come back, she'll be waiting a really long time.

We originally understood that we had to make "best efforts". We've had our FBI one back but the CA form was sent off with a check for payment, which hasn't been cashed. One of my African countries wrote back (after 2 months) to say we'd sent the wrong form of payment (so we sent the right form about 3 weeks ago). So, my paperwork is in their office, but there's no way they'll be writing back inside a month from now. The other country, therefore, has had our paperwork for 3 months. Again, we aren't holding our breath.

Just what the doctor ordered

Some nice medicinal chocolate. It's the end of term and the convenience store on campus over-ordered mini Easter eggs. Between us today Mr Spouse and I have tried Mars, Galaxy, Aero and Thornton's Praline.

Hmm, perhaps I should be thinking about doing some exercise at some point in the future?

Actually on a serious note I am missing doing anything active. I didn't go to Pilates this week as I was completely exhausted and I wasn't sure it was helping. I've not had a moment to swim (I had 6 hours teaching today - personal record - yes, I know, if you are an actual teacher it's not that much - but frankly, repeating the same seminar 4 times did not do much for my sanity). I asked Mr Spouse to pick somewhere he felt like going walking on Saturday but he claims it will be raining. I won't be able to run while I'm overseas (leave on Monday) and I may not be able to swim there either (I think there is a pool nearby but it may be raining and if there is, it is certain to be outdoors; I'm not a fan of swimming in tropical thunderstorms!)

I suppose I can always take my Pilates DVD.

Why bother...

I am trying, really trying, to be well behaved at work. We're having one of those back-patting or possibly -slapping sessions where we all exhort each other to work harder and publish more and apply for more grants. I am ranked 2nd in my department for money applied for in the last couple of years (didn't get any of it, but that's another story) and have filled my paper allocation too. I am trying to get funding and approval for a very mini initiative that could potentially be a nice little route to publication for at least two very senior and grumpy colleagues who haven't published or applied for anything in the last two years. Guess which ones have just been moaning about how it'll never work and be too much work for them.

Nice

Whisked through security, though I thought the TSA agent was going to appropriate my Elizabeth Arden moisturiser (it's in a very large pot but a small volume, typical packaging, but definitely below 100ml), sitting happily in a bar with a beer and an episode of Hustle (my new addiction) on the laptop.

Takeoff in 2 hrs, home for 1 week. Then off again.

Rule 1: do not torture yourself

Especially when you have jetlag and are feeling fragile.

Do not constantly think "I'm too old, what am I thinking of, adopting a baby, I should be adopting a 10 year old".

Do not listen to the tales of woe of very good friend with IVF fresh cycle no 1 son and FET twins and husband with slightly wandering eye who admits she hasn't been the easiest to live with and needs to get her marriage in order and think "what if that's what having kids does to you?"

Do not wander around conference watching baby-minders (people tend to bring babies to the kind of conferences I go to as they are part of working life) thinking "granny? surrogate and donor eggs? adopted? people will think all those things of me".

Do not look at Facebook pages of ancient history, but at the time very heavy, crushes holding new babies.

Likewise do not look at Facebook pages of wedding-year-twin friends who have three children now. None born before they were married. Or even conceived before they were married.

Do not go to conference sessions in which you will be forced to watch videos of ultrasounds. Do not then go into a head space where you contemplate doing similar research but imagine your team having to inform someone their baby has died.

But one Do: do think about how, in your adoption home study sessions, it has been really nice to get to talk about why you love your husband and what a nice person he is. And try and remember to say something nice to him every day. And remember how he rings you every day when you are away and gets upset if you don't get to talk.

Crazy

Arriving into my mid-Atlantic airport I had a couple of trains to catch. On the first one I noticed very sharply how poor the area looks. I am really not familiar with this part of the Eastern seaboard and even though there are some run-down areas in SoCal and the NE, none of them are abandoned and covered in trash in the way places are here. It made me feel that, some areas of East London notwithstanding, I actually live in a rich country. One of the adoption agencies we were thinking about using is in this area and one very close and you know, it makes me feel that yes, if this part of the US is not able to pick up its trash, I think perhaps we could give a child a better life.

On the flight I read what was in some ways a really depressing article about Detroit. But bizarrely, the stories of artists moving in made me think, in my jet-lagged state "ooh, it would be a good place to move to and Create Stuff and if we adopted there we'd likely be closer to our children's birth family and they could see them lots...". Don't worry... I'm just jetlagged.

Off

1. To have a bath right now
2. To bed immediately after
3. To catch an early train
4. To catch a (thankfully direct) flight to the Eastern Seaboard
5. To then catch a train (this was less painful than changing flights I felt) to a different Mid-Atlantic city for a conference.

Flying back Sunday. I know these rapid trans-Atlantic trips are bread and butter to some of you but I'm just stressed by the whole thing.

How hard can it be...

to find a decent Pilates class at a time when I can actually go to it?

We have quite a few choices - a couple at the campus gym (bizarrely two on the same day, plus one at a really inconvenient time), a couple at other gyms (which I hate going to as the traffic is awful at the times of day when the classes are held), and a couple in church halls (at a time when, OK, it's not the end of the world, but I'd rather just be eating my dinner than rushing out again after it, and in one case, again in a really inconvenient place).

So I have found one that is in a fairly convenient place and a relatively convenient time - and I'm not sure I like it. I think I must just be fussy but the teacher waffles a lot and has very strange metaphors (I don't mind metaphors, but perhaps just mention them once instead of talking about them for 5 minutes when we'd rather keep the class short!), and isn't keen on me doing anything to stretch my shoulder while managing to do a lot of the type of work that shouldn't hurt it but, because I've got quite poor posture as a result of the shoulder injury, in fact hurts my back.

Back to the drawing board I fear.

Booked

I booked the massage for Wednesday, which is the day before I fly to the US, and also when I'll need to pack, but Mr Spouse is going out for dinner with the other "mature" students. So hopefully I'll roll in nice and relaxed and forget all kinds of important things.

I've also booked (and I know you don't care, but I do) an eyebrow wax for tomorrow and a leg wax for a couple of days before I go to tropical climes on the 22nd.

This visit will be to see Flaky Student (the one with the surprise, to me, baby). She has told me this week that she was originally planning to come back from her fieldwork on 1st May - also news to me, as the last I heard she was coming in time for next academic year i.e. September. She also tells me she has changed her registration to part-time while she has been doing her fieldwork. Again, news to me - and news to the registration department, too, as apparently she hasn't. Since she'd need my signature on a form to do that...

I have given her (and CC'd her on-the-ground supervisor) a piece of my mind about keeping me informed and actually listening to my advice.

I don't know why I bother

I have been religiously doing my exercises at least twice a day, plus swimming and Pilates, since my last clinic appointment for my shoulder. It has not moved on appreciably from where it was. A manipulation now won't help as they mainly help when (I think I have this right) either most of the difficulty is due to a frozen shoulder (physical movement is possible but not when initiated by the, er owner of the shoulder) OR when the movement is hard in all directions.

I can now move pretty much as far as one would like in the forward direction, not quite 100% but very functional backwards (did I mention I can do up my bra? I can do up my bra!), but completely cr*p sideways. 100 degrees out of 180. I have no idea why people keep asking me if this is enough. No it flipping isn't enough. Would you be ready to give up swimming (I drown if I try to do front crawl), yoga, and quite a bit of Pilates? OK, perhaps you don't care about those - but would you not at least like the option to be able to take them up in the future, should you feel so inclined.

Quilting

In my watching-less-TV Lent I am finding quite a few sewing projects are getting done. I've just unearthed some pieces from what I suspect was going to be a double bed quilt. I started making it before I met Mr Spouse, I think, and it's not really to his taste, nor does it go with our current rather understated bedroom - as an aside, we recently repainted in an eau-de-nil greeny colour and we have this:

as a feature wall and our curtains.

Anyway, this quilt was going to be in brights, with some animal prints. It's even possible I was making it for my niece. So, I've decided to get going on a cot-sized version for the impending baby of my best woman/ICSI couple (no, I don't call them that to their face but you know who I mean).

So... given I have far too much fabric cut out, I'm dithering whether to make one for us as well. I mean, for our baby.

Crazy busy

Just gearing up to an even crazier, busier couple of weeks - no, who am I kidding - rest of the month. I have a voucher from Mr Spouse, a birthday present, for a massage. I can't find time to schedule it...

Aaaand breathe.

Meejuh

So, although it was a long time ago, my current head of department didn't know much about my media stardom nor about my parenting-evidence blog (as he shouldn't, till I told him about it, as it is not in my name), nor that I used to be a student journalist (well, neither do a lot of people, but I was seriously dithering about being a journo until I discovered it was all about News, booooring, though I got a couple of cool internships out of it and indeed a place on a postgrad journalism course that I rejected). But now he does. And he wants me to be more involved in PR (damn, I shouldn't have opened my big mouth).

There is one problem: our current web designer. Who should not be let loose on a) web design or b) people. Case in point: I asked today for a quick costing for a self-updatable web page. He proceeded to ask me 75 questions I can't answer and come and bother me in my office when I replied with "I can't answer those". The other guy I asked said "we have these pages and they cost X and you can have 5 sub-pages, if you want to do fancy stuff perhaps write in a course on how to write fancy stuff, that what you're looking for?". Bing bang bong. Over and done with.

Nearly done

After Wednesday's session, I forgot to post that it probably isn't our last... sigh. We are to get our Prospective Adopter's Report, which will go to the Panel that will (fingers crossed) approve us, and then have another session to go over that. This all has to be fitted in in the next 3 weeks, during which time I will be in a mid-Atlantic state for a conference for four days, as well (though two of those days are weekend days).

The idea is the SW writes it up, we look at it and decide which parts are outrageous lies, and we compromise (or, if we can't, she writes something she agrees with and we write "we don't agree").

We also asked what kind of questions the panel is likely to ask - probably, she thinks, something about Mr Spouse's age, something about his job situation, and possibly something about the inter-country aspect, especially about how we can support a child from a different country and, potentially, of a different ethnic origin. Mr Spouse has to contribute. He is not bad at that when he knows someone but can be a bit reticent when he does not. But I'm sure we'll cope.

Not doing too badly

30 posts in January and 26 (this makes 27) in February. That's fairly close to my one a day target.

Ow. Ow.

Went on a walk today - which was supposed to be 7 miles. The leader had no sense of direction and kept getting lost even though he was supposed to have walked the route before (for example, if you are heading round a south-facing piece of coastline and want to get back to your car which is east of you, you DO need to have the sea on your RIGHT. Not your left) and it ended up being 9 1/2 miles. But when we checked the route on the map at home, even the original route was 8 1/2 miles.

Mr Spouse suggests that we go on our own private walks, rather than inefficiently led walks, in the future. While I am a fan of the Ramblers, I have to agree. Problems have included our local group that hardly ever does weekend walks (because most of its members are retired - a somewhat self-fulfilling prophecy) but had laid one on, which I was told when I rang up to enquire should have been booked in advance (no indication in the programme of the pub meal afterwards that needed booking); another group with the wrong date on some walks and a website that's impossible to navigate; and our local Young People's group which, when I was in my 30s, told me Mr Spouse, then in his 40s, could not come along to. Funnily now the leaders of that group have discovered that in fact they are not immune to aging and now they have passed 40, I went along to one walk only to discover I was probably the 2nd youngest there.

I like the Ramblers in principle but boy, are they strange in practice. Still, we got a good chunk of exercise. I'm supposed to be climbing a Munro in June so I definitely need it.

Time warp

Another post up at my semi-professional blog.

(and before you ask, there is a reason why I wrote it today and dated it last September, OK?)

Hand-waving

We had a very short session tonight (though apparently we have to have another one just to check everything in our report is true. Or true-ish). The shortest part of it was the house inspection which consisted of her walking round the house and saying "yeah, you know what you have to do, don't you?" and then spending far longer discussing how nice our house is and what could be rearranged and what size of bed you could fit in our living room (which is upstairs).

So that went OK.

It had better stop snowing

Because if the social worker can't get out of her road again tomorrow I will be Very Cross. I'm in the middle of hoovering and everything! She's supposed to be doing our safety inspection tomorrow - and this is already a postponed appointment.

P&Q

I will admit to being a bit, no, a lot, of a TV addict. It is doing me good, this rationing. I managed to watch just one episode of Glee today and then switch it off and talk to Mr Spouse.

He's finding his course a bit challenging at the moment - in a very recognisable mature-student-challenging way. What this means is he is not quite sure if he has done enough work, or that he is going to do OK on his assignments, and then gets firsts for all of them. He also panics about his exams, and tests, and so far has got firsts on all of those too. I have seen this many times before with keen mature students who a) have the savvy to actually, you know, organise themselves and b) are bright anyway. But telling him he is not unique is not what he wants to hear right now!

Cake

Having given up on Mr Spouse buying (or, obviously as he is A MAN, baking) me a birthday cake, I'm making a cake based on Lord Baltimore cake (my recipe has 5 egg yolks and 1 egg) but with penuche frosting (my recipe has only brown sugar, not icing sugar - the original cake has all kinds of nuts and dried fruit in the frosting).

It's amazing what you can come up with when you have 4 egg yolks in the freezer, no cocoa powder, chocolate, dried fruit other than raisins, or icing sugar in the house, and no motivation to go out. I also managed to leave my vanilla essence at the hall where we hold Brownies last week, but we had some vanilla pods so I crushed a few seeds into the mixture.

Psychic

The Beauty Bible people clearly know it is my birthday and that I am OLD as my very very nice package from them arrived this morning. I will have to stop myself from trying them all at once (partly as I have a slight tendency to sensitive skin and it would kind of help to know which product was causing it if I have a problem!).

Mr Spouse also came up trumps with a voucher for a massage and a really thoughful choice of book and DVD - I've been enjoying Hustle series 2 which has been on so he got hold of series 1, plus a new Garrison Keillor book I hadn't heard about.

This sounds terribly mercenary I know, but family were a bit on the FAIL side, my brother knows how I think at least and got me a highly amusing toy/ornament which I have been forbidden from taking to the restaurant/bar where we are spending this evening (I may have to smuggle it out with me...)... Father forgot and emailed me apologetically in the afternoon and mother for some bizarre reason came up with a couple of small bits including some bookplates - which I strongly suspect she also gave me for my 8th birthday.

I know it sounds a bit sad and grabbing but I think the real issue is that my mother and I are on different pages as far as gifts go. I really want to have something to open as a gift, preferably something I did not have to organise, though it can be something I chose, or not, I'm easy either way. And I did get that. But my mother wants to give gifts that are preferably very cheap, but that she does not have to organise. I asked for, and got, a lovely pair of boots for Christmas, and I did need to try them on, so that part was fine. But she insisted I pay for them and she reimburse me, I have no idea why, I just felt that I would rather she organise it. My father asked me what I wanted, I sent him details, he bought and wrapped it.
So for my birthday when she asked me what I wanted, and I asked if she would sort out getting my pearls restrung (bought in SE Asia, though I am fairly sure they are real!) - but she would not organise it, only pay for it if I organised it. So I said not to bother, I just wanted something I didn't have to sort out myself. Which I got, and now am sulking like said 8-year-old.

How do you feel about gifts you have to choose? What about ones you have to organise and pay for?

Crystal ball

Not sure how to approach this one or how it will transpire. We have had nice long chats with lots of adoption agencies who have been willing to answer any and every question under the sun but we may well need to deal with an actual lawyer as well. It seems that - just to talk to us - he wants a chunk of change. Compared to the rest of what it's costing us, it is really change, but it just seems a little unhelpful. And we may well not have a choice as he seems to be the only one who can work with other agencies in this way.

However other aspects of my future are a little clearer to me. Tomorrow I have a small birthday meal after a birthday haircut and highlights and before a slightly more (I hope) well-attended birthday drinks. On Saturday I have the joy of accompanying 8 Brownies to meet up with 82 other Brownies for a World Thinking Day celebration, followed by a night out with the lovely Mr Spouse.

And this evening I have a brief session relaxing in front of the TV (my Lenten discipline is to limit myself to an hour a day of TV; so far this evening I have tidied and dusted what will hopefully be our baby's room, in place of some of the TV, go me!), and a quick reminder to Mr Spouse that birthdays require CAKE.

More memories

Ash Wednesday - the fifth anniversary of the day I found out my first pregnancy was going nowhere and that NigelandDelia had died.

That day we went to church in the evening, and burst into noisy uncontrollable sobs afterwards.

Today I managed not to cry and was actually quite calm. I am trying to work on having more peaceful thoughts that do not lead to me worrying away at irrelevant things in the middle of the night and not sleeping. And the clouds of incense helped.

But now I can feel my period is starting. And my cycles seem to be getting shorter; this is both annoying (who needs more frequent periods?), very badly timed (I would much rather feel well today), and depressing (as it is very likely the last groan of my reproductive system).

Whatever happened to...

...Ok I know approaching zero of you are going to care, but we were watching Shameless the other night, in an episode focussing on Karen, who is the daughter of Sheila, who was the mother of Nigel and Delia, who were - in the show people! in the show! - born around the time I found out I was pregnant for the first time. So (if you are a regular reader you may know this already) we called the first baby NigelandDelia.

Anyway we were trying to remember what had happened to her and to them. And this led us to thinking about our NigelandDelia who would have been starting school in September.

"this high" as Mr Spouse said.

You know you've been doing this too long when...

you find yourself being lapped by infertiles.

Not just the "got married, found out they were infertile, had treatment/luck, completed their family" in the time it's taken us to have 4 non-viable pregnancies. I know there are a few of those but not too many. But more the "hadn't even met each other when Mr Spouse and I were first finding out there were problems but are now married and going through treatment". And also a few of the "almost young enough to be my own child and definitely young enough to be Mr Spouse's and have already found out they are infertile".

Yes, I have a birthday coming up. Why do you ask?

OK, not very Valentiny

Book review up at my other blog.

I don't normally do this but...

I got this from a friend's blog. It is hilarious.

One day I will learn

not to take out my contact lenses and then expect to be able to see the computer screen with my rubbish glasses.

Or I will buy a new pair of glasses.

Culcha

We went to see a one-man show about the life of Eric Morecambe - a great British cultural institution (though he wasn't too fond of the Glaswegians). If you get the chance to see this, it is highly hilarious; fortunately for me, like Shakespeare, it is full of quotes.

I say this because I do not recall ever seeing Morecambe & Wise as a child. I'm not sure if it was because of the timing of the shows, because it was "common", because my parents just plain didn't like it, or because by the time I was considered old enough to watch it, it was on ITV (also "common". Note my parents would never have used that word, but you get the picture). We watched The Two Ronnies.

I know I'm missing out on a basic element of British culture. But I am also missing quite a bit of American culture which makes me occasionally confused. My mother did her best to raise me somewhat American but outside the US, but there are some things you don't get.

We've been thinking about culture/nationality/ethnicity in relation to the adoption too - and I've been reading about transracial adoptees not feeling they fit in with people of their own ethnicity - I guess I feel a little like that myself, not wanting to open my mouth and show my passport at the same time. And Mr Spouse who has a classically Welsh name (if you are my friend on FB you will be able to see that you don't get more Welsh than that) actually has a "lots of planets have a North" accent. When you are in England and you say you are Welsh or American but sound English no-one is that bothered (though sometimes they do a double-take with Mr Spouse). But when you are in Wales or the US and you are both "from" and "not from" it is confusing.

Eric Bartholemew/Morecambe also had an adopted son, adopted in 1973 at the age of 4, after two birth children. In the show he was described as "a gift we gave to ourselves" which is in some ways a lovely way of putting it. Adopting a 4 year old in 1973 must have been very unusual. Irritatingly I can't find much about him though the two older children were interviewed for "Relative Values". Of course all references to him in the media say "two children and an adopted son". Or omit to mention him at all. But the interview with his siblings talks about how he came to be in the family - and this route to adoption was mentioned in the book I've been reading recently as well, about institutional care in this era.

(We also saw John Hegley in the same theatre recently - we are curious as to whether they admit artists who do not support Luton Town).

Slightly exciting

In a very sad way.

After my foray into the world of makeup, I have bought myself a few more bits and pieces, mainly along the lines of no-makeup makeup, and potions for my wrinkly bits, and the luggage under my eyes. I'm currently awaiting.... drum roll....

a Beauty Bible tester kit!

This is a great arrangement where you pay a small fee for postage/packing/admin and get a much larger amount's worth of products to test, theoretically suitable to your skin and hair. This package is supposed to be suitable for "over 35s", which I will be even more after next week.

How did it get to be another year later?

And on that note...

First Aid procedures change intermittently, which our trainer on my refresher course last night explained is a mixture of planned reviews and new evidence coming to light. We were told that the new advice is to call for help at the scene before checking a casulty's airway.

I was reminded by May's post today that my first instinct on being told this was to yell "Heyulp! Heyulp!" like Penelope Pitstop.

I refrained.

I never see you...

This is Mr Spouse's plaintive cry when I am out several evenings in a row. This week it is only tonight (first aid course) and Friday (local amateur play that our knitting group has made some props for).

Normally it's very sweet but today he just wanted some help with his quantitative coursework. Pah.

Not quite over

Home study sessions cancelled by social worker = approximately 5
Home study sessions cancelled by us = 0 (though we were thinking of cancelling today's so Mr Spouse could go and see his mother in hospital a) she wasn't kept in and appears to be absolutely fine after a small tumble b) the SW cancelled instead).
However in contrast to this rather erratic showing
Times the social work has been late = 1 (when she didn't know the way yet). We gather this is very unusual!
Times we have been late = 1 (to prep group - long journey, quite a bit of traffic)
Times Mr Spouse has fallen asleep = approximately 2 (in prep group - long journey, quite a bit of traffic, I couldn't drive at the time, hot room, erm, not very interesting speaker).
Date on which Mr Spouse threatened to fall asleep in home study session = today.

I am married to an American football fan. Wrong time zone. 'Nuff said.

You will be happy to learn...

that I'm now a fully-qualified Brownie leader with my last Adult Leadership Qualification module ticked and signed off.

What next, I hear you cry? Perhaps I should do my Overnight licence, for added madness.

Update on the arm

It's improving a very, very little but I'm bracing myself for a consultant's appointment in a few weeks as I think it will be yes to the manipulation.

I had stopped taking my nefopam as I felt it was making me jumpy but even the maximum dose of ibuprofen doesn't help me do my exercises as much, so I've gone back on it this morning. Bit of a dry mouth but not too bad.

I've also started swimming and doing Pilates, and I'm aiming for 1 swim and 2 Pilates (even if just 20 mins of a DVD) per week. I can do two whole lengths at a time of breast stroke, or back stroke, or a stroke of my own invention involving a float. And I didn't even run into anyone doing back stroke.

This post was inspired by Julie's the other day.

I often take the bus to work, and before Christmas I was struggling carrying much stuff, and couldn't drive, so I hopped on the bus round the corner from home - with a light plastic bag and a fairly heavy shoulder bag, I seem to remember. I sat about 2 rows back from the front and there were at least 2 male students sat in front of me (or forward of me).

I was merrily listening to my iPod and couldn't quite work out what was happening as a dad got on with two children, one walking, one about 9 months I reckon. The dad was talking to the bus driver who was shaking his head and shrugging and the father then walked up towards me and asked me to hold his baby.

Now, I had my headphones on and it took me about 5-10 seconds to work out what he wanted and a further short moment to realise that as this would involve raising both arms above chest height I wouldn't be able to, and if I tried I'd just drop my parcels on the floor of the bus. I couldn't think what to say so said "er, no, sorry, can you put her on the seat there?"

No, says the dad, she'll topple over, and he looked around the bus helplessly. A male student on the other side of the aisle, but sitting technically in front of me, offered to hold the baby.

I realised at this point that the dad had been asking the bus driver to hold the baby for him.

I was roundly condemned for this incident at the time so (unless I am completely losing it) I didn't blog about it. I am not sure if part of this was that people assumed I was thinking "clueless dad" or on the contrary was thinking "dad who thinks he can get away with it because he's a bloke" or that I was being unsympathetic to "dad newly on his own" as if the only reason for a dad taking the kids out on his own is because mum is away or dead.

In fact, I was thinking "er what"? followed by "am I the only person on this bus? no I am not but I am the only woman" followed by "actually, although I think it is a little, er, unusual, to ask me to hold your baby, and normally I'd expect to help with the pushchair while you hold the baby, in fact I wouldn't be able to do that".

And that would have taken so long to explain I just went back to my iPod.

But my final thought, after the bus had moved on and I had worked out that his original conversation with the driver was about getting the driver to hold the baby was not "clueless bloke doesn't know anything" or "clueless bloke thinks everyone else is around to hold his baby" or "clueless bloke thinks women are there to help him out", or even a slightly more charitable "poor bloke, shame I can't help him" but in fact "good grief, learn how to use public transport mate, passengers will help, though not if you pick the wrong one, bus drivers won't, it's obvious YOU normally drive to work!!"

Second hand

I am not a fan of pink. When I was a baby we wore blue flowered dresses and then it was the 70s and everyone wore orange. The social worker commented that we couldn't really fully decorate our child's room for a number of reasons, firstly that it would be to difficult for us to make us do that without a child on the horizon, and also that we wouldn't know whether it was going to be a boy or a girl. I don't see the latter as a good reason at all because as far as I am concerned, there will not be pink.

"Not even if people give you pink things?"
"Well, maybe. Unless it's magenta. Then it's going back to the shop. If it's a girl I'll exchange it for something with Bob the Builder or Thomas the Tank Engine".
"Oh, that's mean..."
I pointed out that I would want to make sure anything we got for a girl would be usable by another child who was a boy. Apparently that is very wrong.

We compromised, I feel, by saying that we'd probably not need to actually buy any clothes for a baby as everyone would buy them for us.

Show & Tell - Candlemas

Yesterday, I know, but I only remembered today about taking down the crib.

It looks rather strange (it may be the angle), but I think it is quite cute - it's Mexican, made of tin, and comes in a cute matching box. The timing is very important. The Baby Jesus does not arrive till Christmas Eve, and the Magi not until Twelfth Night. But it can then stay up till Candlemas. I bought the set in either Tijuana or Ensenada on a border-hop trip when I was living in SoCal ten years ago.

I do love Christmas even though it's hard when you are waiting to have children. But in a way I love the extended bits more - the private, family bits - the bits where you don't have to go round to people's houses and appear cheery. Like keeping the crib up till Candlemas.

Tears before bedtime

Still not sleeping and still upset about life, promotion, etc. etc. Mr Spouse whisked me away from the office to the supermarket at about 3 (well, it was that or stay in my office weeping with the door locked, which is what I was doing till that point). We know how to live.

Lots of nots

Not sleeping very well, not getting promotion, not even managing my blog-a-day for January, not finishing any work including urgent stuff for tomorrow, and not feeling very well at all. But also shouting at Mr Spouse. Grand.

Random thought

One thing I'm slightly grateful for... as adoption in the UK, of children who are in foster care, is almost completely free (some families have the odd expense association with, for example, introductions for a child who is the other end of the country), most of the people we talk to do not realise, and therefore do not feel it is their business to comment on, the cost of our adoption.

Everything else, of course, is fair game.

That London

Down for the weekend - we have a small flat that is often rented out but happens to be empty, so are spending a couple of days here. Mr Spouse always finds at least one or two things that need mending every time we come - he re-fixed the coat hook to the wall last night and is mending the bathroom lights today. But we'll have time to think about some shopping and to catch up with a friend or two, maybe see a film.

If it's Thursday...

... it must be another social work appointment. Yesterday was Mr Spouse on his own, today me on my own, weekend in London, another appointment on Monday. We had an interesting discussion, touching on quilting, loopholes, Victoria Climbie and the demonisation of social workers, as well as things we were supposed to be talking about.

Tell me, in fact: do you feel society has become more affectionate over the last, say, 20-25 years? I certainly notice that the friends I made when I was 16 or 18 or 20 don't kiss or hug me, because we never have; the friends I made when I was 25/28/33 do.

Anyway, it'll be over soon!

Do I look like a lawyer?

No, I didn't think so.

Why is it then that I've had to tell a) agency M that they are potentially causing some UK-resident couples to do illegal adoptions, while needlessly restricting the options of others and b) agency T that they are very behind on regulations that might therefore be costing them business?

I'm not bothered about agency M but agency T was beginning to sound like they might work for us. Agency N is the one that has been successful but seems to have really really long waiting times (they claim to have one post-Hague couple but given the waiting times they quote, I'm not sure if they can - though perhaps this was an extremely flexible and lucky couple). Agency P hasn't been successful yet but we are in contact with a couple working with them. And Agency C which we used to love, hasn't answered any emails recently; agency O also looked promising and is having a think about whether they could work with us.

(Update later: Agency T is looking like they would do this for us but our SW is sounding more pessimistic as she can't find anyone who has done any successful US adoptions to the UK yet. I guess the fact that we know the couple who are with Agency P and they are at least 6 months ahead of us is promising. Agency P probably wouldn't work for us for a few different reasons though. And Lawyer Y hasn't replied to my query about how exactly working with him and an agency - which would be necessary in the cases of T, O and C - would work in practice for us).

Well that's a relief...

Must be about my 75th CRB clearance in the last 10 years. Roll on Independent Safeguarding Authority.

Cake

Guider type meetings usually involve biscuits and admin. Today's involved cake and a bit of a rant. A slightly tricky situation as I happen to completely disagree with the rant-er, but she is a very nice woman who is also my mentor for my Guider training. I kept quiet in the meeting but the disagreement is one based somewhat on religion which we both feel strongly about - in some ways similarly - I didn't want to spend too much time talking loudly in the meeting but think I should get together with her and explain my view.

Heartbreaking

I'm reading a UK adoption classic - Adoption, a Second Chance, by Barbara Tizard, one of the very first books on "modern" adoption - adoption of children who were fostered (in this case, in residential nurseries) before being placed for adoption between the ages of 2 and 7. The research for the book took place in the late 60s and early 70s, but plus ca change... Some of the problems are just sooo familiar - agencies taking forever to make a permanency plan, to find out medical information, etc. etc.

Thankfully neither residential nurseries nor the laws that meant birth parents could hem and haw for years while their child languished in care still exist. Some of the adoptive families sound lovely, too - especially those who had children placed around 5 to 7 years old and who seem to love spending time playing with their children - something that, as the authors comment, in that era even middle-class birth children and earlier-adopted children would not really do when they were 8 - it was a time of "play on your own", in the street if you were working-class and in your room or the garden if you were middle-class.

Several of the children were relinquished but deemed "difficult to place" because of medical issues (including a broken leg!) and race. The chapter on race makes me very grateful to live in today's world. Only one parent out of the 10 or so trans-racial placements made an effort to promote her child's heritage (Indian in her case). About half of the families, at the age of 8, said their child "hadn't yet noticed they were coloured"!!!!! Some of the adoptive families (perhaps 3 out of the 10?) had at least one family member (father, I think, in all cases) who was actively racist, or at least would be termed so today.

But as Mr Spouse said, one mother at least said one thing that was right. "I don't think he realises he's coloured, he comes home and he's been teasing other children at school, and I tell him it's not nice, it's not good to be calling other children 'darkie' and 'w*g''". Too right.

And so it begins

Why is it that it already feels like we are in the middle of an interminable wait to be matched - even though in fact we are in the middle of a busy, busy home study with new facts and decisions being thrown at us every minute?

Without making it out too much to be "his" versus "my" decision, Mr. Spouse feels that he doesn't really want to raise a child of a different ethnicity (birth father uncertainty notwithstanding - we won't break a match after birth in the same way we wouldn't "send back" a child who turned out later to have new information about their background). I feel I could - no, we could - and now even feel a little sad that probably won't have the chance. I think this is likely because I have so many links and friends who are African or African American and I would love to have that link within our family.

It doesn't seem like it would make us that much more "matchable" (I have a whole other post in my head about my thoughts on overseas placement of African American infants, so bear with me) although our wait time might be a little shorter. And that's the bit that's depressing me. So far the only agency that we really feel comfortable with AND that has unequivocally said yes to us, is quoting 2 years wait on average. Two years. It would be maybe 6 months shorter on average for "mixed" heritage.

I just hate that a piece of good, go-for-it news is followed by finding the next stage is so drawn-out. We have other agencies to approach but I am finding repeatedly they don't reply to my emails. I'm not sure if this is a big spam problem (I have had one or two actual failures of emails), that adopters aren't priority, my incomprehensible writing style, or that most agencies just don't really communicate except by phone.
I think we'd fill our wait productively, but we are not getting younger, and I am so hoping we'd be able to adopt a second child before we get impossibly old.

A product recommendation

Boots waterproof mascara. Doesn't run when watching an episode of Ugly Betty (the series that is on in the US at the moment - the latest episode I think - won't spoil it for those who haven't watched it/are in the UK). But Mr Spouse said it was very real and they should show more real things.

Oh yeah. Minor piece of news.

We have a date for panel. 6th April (the day after Easter Monday). Yes, I know, we were shocked too. In an impressive display of forward thinking (which is not to say that she does not normally display this) our social worker calculated that if there's an unavoidable delay we can still fit in a May date before she herself takes a 6 week break and therefore in time to get round the DCSF's imposition of a Very Large Fee for their part of the paperwork, coming in in September.

Sooo... we have three or four more sessions and more homework. This week's homework:

• thinking about some of the circumstances of origin we would and wouldn't be prepared to accept (current answer between the two of us - we need to do a bit more thinking, but I am probably more comfortable with the kinds of conversations this might take and Mr Spouse also needs to think about what he's comfortable with - and I have just thought perhaps we could even - doh - ask our SW for advice on how this kind of thing can be brought up with a child)
  
• thinking about what would be our long-term plans if we had a child who needed significant care in adult life (they do assume that we'll both be around until a child turns 18 but I'm guessing they need to show we've thought about the worst - current answer between the two of us - make sure we plan properly financially for a child in this circumstance).
• some research we need to do on what difference it would make with the possible agencies we've chosen were we to say we'd only accept a Caucasian child versus a child of mixed race - again I think our SW needs to show we've considered the implications of raising a child of a different race.

It all seems very soon - we'll probably have quite a bit more homework as the full report on us will need to be checked as well as minor discussion points like this.

Well that's good news

We discussed this with our social worker, briefly, today - there seems to be a separate movement around non-matched orphans being fostered in the US and a "surge" in interest in Haitian orphans - but these children were all matched and in some cases were already legally adopted by US families.

So this is very good news.

One track mind? me?

I have no desire to watch most of the current or previous crop of vampire movies (or read the books) but I really enjoy Being Human. It's an everyday story of a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost who settle down to share a house in Bristol; two of them work in the local hospital as a cleaner and a porter and the third serves behind the bar in the local pub.

Of course various relationships ensue and the werewolf (well, the original werewolf - there is now another, if you are going to watch this series I won't spoil it for you) has a steady girlfriend, but in his wild lunar moments has a quick fling, the vampire being more or less permanently flitting from one Goth girl to another. The ghost also finds herself what she thinks is a nice young man, which is a cue for the werewolf (who is sensible today) sitting her down for a Friendly Chat about Being Careful.

So now I'm wondering: Vampires, presumably, being undead and all that don't need contraception, though turning people into vampires is pretty much the ultimate STD; but what about the werewolves? Is the werewolf running around creating lots of baby half-wolves in his mad moments, or are werewolves also infertile?

The ghost, as she points out, is "much too old and much too dead to need contraception". Although her back story turns out to include a really evil ex, she does mourn the fact that she is still stuck in the house that she was hoping would be the house she and he raised a family in, and now she'll never have kids.

But they still have Noddy wallpaper.