Monday, February 27, 2006

Worth waiting for...

Mr Spouse's swimmy things are swimming in the right direction, at the right speed, and there are plenty of them, and they are all beautiful.

And all my hormones are lovely too. I'm going to ask about the clotting factor-that-is-too-high

Just need to find out if I'm all OK inside... wimpishly I'm busy sending round mass emails asking for prayer support for my op... and reading about other people's lap & dye's and cowering. But I am also getting in the novels, knitting, and DVDs.

I am also trying to reassure myself that, even if they find no endo, the procedure seems to clear some people out in some odd, unexplained way.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Not much happening...

except that I have had a birthday, and am having a cold, as well as my period - but for once I'm not at all surprised or disappointed since it would have taken a miracle for anything else, this month, with enforced abstinence following treatment for chlamydia.

Which, by the way, I'm not sure I had. The clinic were only supposed to call us if the tests were positive, and they haven't. But being me, I can't find my letter with my patient number which I need to call myself.

Anyway, onwards and upwards, and on to my lap & dye in just over a week's time. I am nervous, but I don't think I'm as nervous as Mr Spouse. He's very sweet...

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

A guilty secret

I have got some clothes in the cupboards "in case I get pregnant". I have two pairs of trousers that were very expensive, which I bought in the summer sales with a jacket, wore for an interview in the autumn, kept for "best", and then lost so much weight I can't wear them again (the jacket went to charity a long time ago). Mainly I lost weight round my waist (7") and I think the last time I looked at them I was still assuming I'd get pregnant pretty quickly.

I also have two or three support vests/soft bras that I bought for wearing in bed. I am an F cup and got uncomfortable very fast. In fact, I am sometimes that uncomfortable in the last week of my cycle, but I just cannot bring myself to wear them while not pregnant. It was never worth buying them before I got pregnant because it doesn't happen every month and it's only a few days.

In other news - I told Mr Spouse about the boy sperm comment and his reply was "nah, they're all down the pub busy telling each other 'you don't want to go that way, it'll take you hours longer, take the A35 and that way you won't get caught up in the temporary traffic lights in Cleckhuddersfax, my mate tried that the other day, the trick is to turn off down the road just before B&Q, it looks like a cul-de-sac but in fact you can get out on to the dual carriageway'."

So there we have it. The real reason for male pattern infertility.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


I was typing that word earlier in a post on a board I read and thought "but they are supposed to be happy days". A year ago today I dashed to A&E with bleeding and we were reassured that all was OK, and went home hopeful - this was on the Tuesday, but for some reason today I'm thinking about the next day, when we saw the sac was empty on the scan.

Although I'm sad, I think the fact that I'm not fixated on the actual date means I'm not going to keep thinking about this in future years.

In other news: although I haven't got an actual letter through the post (rolling eyes sound effects) the gynae's secretary told me all my clotting tests were normal, apart from one which was "on the high end of normal". Having done a quick Google, I think this one is supposed to be high - but she will be contacting the haematologist so we will find out if that's the case, and also if it's linked to my migraines.

But for some reason the day 2 and day 21 tests weren't back yet - either that or the secretary couldn't find where she'd written about them - however, she said the gynae would call me. Not sure if I believe that!

Mr Spouse's turn to do something uncomfortable today - yes, you guessed it - the dreaded sample. We had one of those typical married arguments about which way to the pathology drop-off, and whether the directions we were given were wrong. My predicted result: "There are plenty of sperm and they can all swim but they are swimming round in circles, unwilling to ask for directions".

Sunday, February 05, 2006

What we're letting ourselves in for (hopefully)

(You may need to watch an ad to see that for free).

I've been hanging out on a few adoption message boards recently, including the one at Adoption UK. I have to say, it doesn't present an unremittingly positive view of adoption, or adoptive children. One thing that strikes me is that parents of adoptive children have many problems with their children (obviously) and that there seems to be a tendency to put all of these down to either the fact of adoption (disrupted care, attachment problems) or to the abuse or neglect that most of their children have suffered. While obviously this is to some extent true, it's not very encouraging, and given that one can only change the present, not the past, makes the whole enterprise seem rather hopeless. I have even read from parents of non-abused adopted children (e.g. overseas children who were clearly abandoned, but had very little disruption in care and no abuse that they could possibly remember), of problems which have been put down purely to the fact of adoption, and not to other factors such as the child's personality or temperament, which can easily clash with that of a parent, or natural childhood "stages" which all children go through.

I have to say it made me feel strangely reassured to read a book I just bought by Anne Lamott - Plan B - in which she describes her son - not adopted - who displays so many of the characteristics of the adopted children people are describing. She has published some of these columns at (see link above). He is a typical teen - but he has always had some problems, not entirely explicable by his father not being around. He is delightful and charming with other adults, and a complete pill (as my grandmother used to say) with his own mother. He is also, I would imagine, not quite the child his mother could have wished for. She is a writer, read complicated books as a child and loves to have educated discussions. He had problems learning to read, prefers to work with his hands, and could not be described as academic.

You don't always get the child you order - however you get them. Here's just hoping we get one, somehow.

Friday, February 03, 2006

I'm sure it's for the best really...

but it looks like it's two months "off" for us. I went to see the nurse yesterday but Mr Spouse can't make it till next week, and it's no sex (even with a condom!) till a week after the second of us is treated. Which takes us to about CD 17. And then apparently we're supposed to use contraception for the first month after the lap and dye.

I'm not exactly feeling happy about this - I suppose "resigned" is the word. Everything else is pretty tiring just now, and the whole finding-out-you-have-an-STD is pretty shocking too. But I have a few weeks which should be a bit more relaxing ahead, and my birthday (nice to have a celebration, rubbish to be 39!), so I think I was looking forward to a bit of R&R*.

*Recreation and Reproduction