Friday, March 12, 2010

Rule 1: do not torture yourself

Especially when you have jetlag and are feeling fragile.

Do not constantly think "I'm too old, what am I thinking of, adopting a baby, I should be adopting a 10 year old".

Do not listen to the tales of woe of very good friend with IVF fresh cycle no 1 son and FET twins and husband with slightly wandering eye who admits she hasn't been the easiest to live with and needs to get her marriage in order and think "what if that's what having kids does to you?"

Do not wander around conference watching baby-minders (people tend to bring babies to the kind of conferences I go to as they are part of working life) thinking "granny? surrogate and donor eggs? adopted? people will think all those things of me".

Do not look at Facebook pages of ancient history, but at the time very heavy, crushes holding new babies.

Likewise do not look at Facebook pages of wedding-year-twin friends who have three children now. None born before they were married. Or even conceived before they were married.

Do not go to conference sessions in which you will be forced to watch videos of ultrasounds. Do not then go into a head space where you contemplate doing similar research but imagine your team having to inform someone their baby has died.

But one Do: do think about how, in your adoption home study sessions, it has been really nice to get to talk about why you love your husband and what a nice person he is. And try and remember to say something nice to him every day. And remember how he rings you every day when you are away and gets upset if you don't get to talk.


Caro said...

It must be hard being in your field sometimes. In some ways I am glad that I stopped working in fertility research before I had problems. On the other hand I'd have known all the right people to talk to.

Rachel said...

I still cannot look at ultrasounds.

And yes, the homestudy process is wonderful in that it can remind you how wonderful your spouse is.

Hope the conference gets better.

Thalia said...

Oh the do-not-torture thing is so tough, isn't it. YOu have so much of it to deal with, too.