I know we are.
So, to try and tell this in order, and not quite remembering what I've already said:
1) DCSF say no non-Hague adoptions from Hague countries
2) Kick-ass Solicitor says this is news to her, but she has other families in similar situations & will get back to us in about 3 weeks (2 weeks ago)
3) Supposedly helpful adoption advice organisation discusses situation at length by email and does not comprehend any of "birth mother can make best decision for child", "US feels placement with citizens abroad EQUALS placement in country" or "no agencies in US seem to want to do Hague outgoing" (18 months approx now and no cases have been through). Definitely not of same mind as KAS (i.e. client right).
4) We find agency in US that will attempt Hague outgoing. Not ideal demographic or location - you'd be truly stuffed if Hispanic - v. pricey and have never processed any cases, but we tell UK agency and KAS.
5) UK agency gives us place on August course. I have by now broken arm so not keen to sit still in pain for 4 days in July anyway.
6) Still crossing fingers DCSF will show pity/ be intimidated by KAS and not make us be guinea pigs with no choice of agency and no US precedent. Selfishly feel a non-US couple should be doing that. Bemoan not having done this 2 years ago. Point out to each other we were busy grieving 2 years ago.
7) Do many sums and conclude it would be cheaper for me to take approaching 2 years (to make immigration of child legal) off work, move back to the US, and get Mr. Spouse his green card so he can support me/us. Would also be cheaper. However wish to keep job/career, continue residence in long term in Small City In North, and have health care especially for Mr. Spouse that doesn't involve deterioration of his diabetes. Feel immediately post 6-week sick leave not best time to broach long term absence with employer.
8) Tired now.
(afraid Mr. Spouse is keen to leave this blog entirely to me - he neither reads nor comments)
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Ow 2
So, a week on, I can now just about type both-handed on my phone - slow, but not limited to words containing letters on the R side of the keyboard (oil, kin, jim).
I've been signed off work for 6 weeks but am waiting til Friday to find out if I'll need an operation to put in a pin. I've broken my humerus right at the top, L side. In the meantime I can read t'internet but not really write (only Blogger really works on the phone, and sitting at the 'puter for too long is pretty uncomfortable anyway), can read hardback books (paperbacks don't stay open on their own), write by hand (remember that?) and can watch TV. Lots & lots of TV.
I will try and muster the strength to post something about the complicated adoption situation, later...
I've been signed off work for 6 weeks but am waiting til Friday to find out if I'll need an operation to put in a pin. I've broken my humerus right at the top, L side. In the meantime I can read t'internet but not really write (only Blogger really works on the phone, and sitting at the 'puter for too long is pretty uncomfortable anyway), can read hardback books (paperbacks don't stay open on their own), write by hand (remember that?) and can watch TV. Lots & lots of TV.
I will try and muster the strength to post something about the complicated adoption situation, later...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Ow
Have outdone Mr. Spouse and broken arm in similar bike incident - but with ambulance, and mention of surgery, and signed off for 6 weeks. Cannot really type.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Do not disturb
Yes, I am in a hole. No, I do not particularly want rescuing.
Phone call on Friday from agency. DCSF have got back to them and will not be prepared to issue a certificate of eligibility - not entirely clear whether they would be prepared to if we were telling them we'd be going through a Hague adoption from the US, or whether they'd put conditions on it if so, or how they would know what the US agency had done. Also not at all clear why this is at odds with what our reputedly kick-ass solicitor has said. Rang KAS immediately but she may be KA but is rubbish at responding so have not heard back yet.
I think I'm not so much despairing that this may not be possible for us, as either a) in denial or b) just depressed that once again things are more complicated and slower than they need be.
One good thing, I suppose, is that Mr. Spouse has not immediately said "well, let's just give up then". He is full of plans to write to the press and write to our MP, and was very excited when I suggested writing to the Foreign Secretary - not in his capacity as the Foreign Secretary, but in his capacity as a parent who has adopted two children from the US and as the British husband of a US citizen wife. Funnily, a good friend of ours was doorstepping with said Foreign Secretary a couple of weeks ago (pre-election). Apparently he is very nice and polite (well, he'd have to be).
I'll go back in my hole now. At least we have not booked our holiday to clash with the next preparation group, which was a possibility. And we are accidentally going to see U2. Well, we didn't realise they were playing, but booked travel dates to coincide with their only Scandinavian gig, and the tickets are quite a bit cheaper than they are in the UK, too. So of course it would be impolite to be there, and not go and see them, wouldn't it?
Phone call on Friday from agency. DCSF have got back to them and will not be prepared to issue a certificate of eligibility - not entirely clear whether they would be prepared to if we were telling them we'd be going through a Hague adoption from the US, or whether they'd put conditions on it if so, or how they would know what the US agency had done. Also not at all clear why this is at odds with what our reputedly kick-ass solicitor has said. Rang KAS immediately but she may be KA but is rubbish at responding so have not heard back yet.
I think I'm not so much despairing that this may not be possible for us, as either a) in denial or b) just depressed that once again things are more complicated and slower than they need be.
One good thing, I suppose, is that Mr. Spouse has not immediately said "well, let's just give up then". He is full of plans to write to the press and write to our MP, and was very excited when I suggested writing to the Foreign Secretary - not in his capacity as the Foreign Secretary, but in his capacity as a parent who has adopted two children from the US and as the British husband of a US citizen wife. Funnily, a good friend of ours was doorstepping with said Foreign Secretary a couple of weeks ago (pre-election). Apparently he is very nice and polite (well, he'd have to be).
I'll go back in my hole now. At least we have not booked our holiday to clash with the next preparation group, which was a possibility. And we are accidentally going to see U2. Well, we didn't realise they were playing, but booked travel dates to coincide with their only Scandinavian gig, and the tickets are quite a bit cheaper than they are in the UK, too. So of course it would be impolite to be there, and not go and see them, wouldn't it?
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Do you think I've matured?
Or perhaps I've just got more shallow?
I was chatting the other day to lovely friend J, who I've known since university, and who is the single mother of a 9-year-old (er, I think), an "accident" on the mini-pill, and who she didn't know she was pregnant with until about 20w. But I digress.
She was asking how the niece(s) were and I realised that I have more or less managed to stay out of the whole palaver recently. Both my mother and my brother are behaving like drama queens, but I am happy to leave them to it. I have come to the conclusion that it upsets me much less when my nieces are sitting all day in the house my brother's building, watching DVDs, and not going to school, than it did when the younger one didn't see her dad for 3 months and her mum for 6 weeks, and they were planning that the older one wouldn't have seen her mum for 3 months (they were about 15 months and 3 at this time); the older one was faced with a maximum of 24h with her mum in the middle of that time and was begging with her mum to come and see her for longer.
I'm not entirely sure whether this is because it is intrinsically more upsetting to see the girls tiny and missing their parents than to see them older and stagnating at home (they are now 3 1/2 and nearly-6 - in theory they are being home schooled but my brother does nothing with them that could constitute schooling - his philosophy is that they'll ask for the education they need, but he doesn't exactly encourage them either), or if it's because it feels more likely we'll have kids so I am less invested in the girls. Or perhaps it is that, even if we do end up with children who have experienced some difficulties before they come to us (whether that's before birth, or with their birth parents) I'm pretty sure we're going to be giving them educational advantages that my nieces will not be getting.
I am already a competitive parent, and I don't even have any children yet.
(no news from the DCFS or on the adoption preparation course, but it's likely to be next month, though if I haven't said so already, we are OK to go ahead with the process without hearing from DCFS first).
I was chatting the other day to lovely friend J, who I've known since university, and who is the single mother of a 9-year-old (er, I think), an "accident" on the mini-pill, and who she didn't know she was pregnant with until about 20w. But I digress.
She was asking how the niece(s) were and I realised that I have more or less managed to stay out of the whole palaver recently. Both my mother and my brother are behaving like drama queens, but I am happy to leave them to it. I have come to the conclusion that it upsets me much less when my nieces are sitting all day in the house my brother's building, watching DVDs, and not going to school, than it did when the younger one didn't see her dad for 3 months and her mum for 6 weeks, and they were planning that the older one wouldn't have seen her mum for 3 months (they were about 15 months and 3 at this time); the older one was faced with a maximum of 24h with her mum in the middle of that time and was begging with her mum to come and see her for longer.
I'm not entirely sure whether this is because it is intrinsically more upsetting to see the girls tiny and missing their parents than to see them older and stagnating at home (they are now 3 1/2 and nearly-6 - in theory they are being home schooled but my brother does nothing with them that could constitute schooling - his philosophy is that they'll ask for the education they need, but he doesn't exactly encourage them either), or if it's because it feels more likely we'll have kids so I am less invested in the girls. Or perhaps it is that, even if we do end up with children who have experienced some difficulties before they come to us (whether that's before birth, or with their birth parents) I'm pretty sure we're going to be giving them educational advantages that my nieces will not be getting.
I am already a competitive parent, and I don't even have any children yet.
(no news from the DCFS or on the adoption preparation course, but it's likely to be next month, though if I haven't said so already, we are OK to go ahead with the process without hearing from DCFS first).
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Jealous
Mr. Spouse is not working at the moment. For different reasons, he hasn't been working since August last year. He is sort of looking for a job at the moment, but he's likely to be going back to university in October* and there isn't much temporary around at the moment - particularly not that would allow him to take random days off for adoption courses etc. So he may do some volunteering instead, which is what he was doing in the US; we are actually OK for money for the moment, though I don't feel like we are. He also has some Open University courses to finish before the full-time study starts.
Right now, though, he's feeling a bit sorry for himself - his arm is not back to normal, and he's not able to do any of the DIY stuff we need to get done, but he's also not really done much of the lighter stuff around the house, partly because tidying up also involves lifting. And I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself too - I've had a virus the past few days (I am worried it is the pleuritic thing I had last year, unfortunately), have loads of marking to do and a grant deadline.
But in general he has been enjoying working less (I say less because he's been very committed to his volunteer work and has spent quite a bit of time at it) and I have only slightly felt that I'm benefiting from having a stay-at-home husband (he does, to be fair, do a reasonable amount of cleaning, but he is not one for elaborate or particularly imaginative cooking). And I know it's because I'm jealous. I would really quite like to be at home, at least part-time, preferably with kid(s). I am worried we won't be able to afford this.
This is a slightly irrational fear - we can definitely afford for me to take a good chunk of adoption leave, and if it's appropriate for me to go part-time after that, but money is an issue, he has a good pension from his old job that he can take early. I think it's partly triggered by various discussions that are ongoing on a website I frequent which main centre round how much, or little, women make after paying for nursery fees. In fact, I suspect that even if the answer was "nothing" for me, I'd still work. I enjoy my job, and if I stopped until a child was school age, that would really be it for my career. I do also slightly worry that what a colleague with older children says is true - that working part time also means curtains. In either case I don't want that. Work is not just about money for me. But life is not just about work, either.
*I say back, but in fact he never went when he was 18 so it will be to university, but to retrain in a subject he really enjoys and which is pretty marketable, but in which he has no formal qualifications.
Right now, though, he's feeling a bit sorry for himself - his arm is not back to normal, and he's not able to do any of the DIY stuff we need to get done, but he's also not really done much of the lighter stuff around the house, partly because tidying up also involves lifting. And I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself too - I've had a virus the past few days (I am worried it is the pleuritic thing I had last year, unfortunately), have loads of marking to do and a grant deadline.
But in general he has been enjoying working less (I say less because he's been very committed to his volunteer work and has spent quite a bit of time at it) and I have only slightly felt that I'm benefiting from having a stay-at-home husband (he does, to be fair, do a reasonable amount of cleaning, but he is not one for elaborate or particularly imaginative cooking). And I know it's because I'm jealous. I would really quite like to be at home, at least part-time, preferably with kid(s). I am worried we won't be able to afford this.
This is a slightly irrational fear - we can definitely afford for me to take a good chunk of adoption leave, and if it's appropriate for me to go part-time after that, but money is an issue, he has a good pension from his old job that he can take early. I think it's partly triggered by various discussions that are ongoing on a website I frequent which main centre round how much, or little, women make after paying for nursery fees. In fact, I suspect that even if the answer was "nothing" for me, I'd still work. I enjoy my job, and if I stopped until a child was school age, that would really be it for my career. I do also slightly worry that what a colleague with older children says is true - that working part time also means curtains. In either case I don't want that. Work is not just about money for me. But life is not just about work, either.
*I say back, but in fact he never went when he was 18 so it will be to university, but to retrain in a subject he really enjoys and which is pretty marketable, but in which he has no formal qualifications.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Persona
That's my public profile, not the Clearblue-marketed contraceptive monitor, in case you were wondering.
I have just started another blog, which is very embryonic, and is intended to be a "communicating science to the public" type thing. I'm not hiding it, but it's not something I'm desperately promoting yet, either.
However, if I link to that from a non-IF site or blog that I read, I wouldn't mind people knowing it's there. I don't necessarily, though, want people to find this place - it's possible I may ultimately go public at work with the new one.
So, I reset my Blogger profile for Dr. Spouse to only show the new blog, not this one. Now, if I comment via Wordpress or Typepad I just put in the drspouse url and you can get here via that link. But if I comment on someone's IF-related Blogger blog then you get to the new blog, no longer here.
I'm assuming people can google Dr Spouse and find this blog, anyway*, but really they could find me that way if they were desperate - I tend to use Dr Spouse as my alias on some work-related sites too.
What with keeping friends and (more particularly) family away from this blog, I'm getting confused. Any suggestions? The one I've just come up with is, when commenting on non-IF blogs, just enter "name" (Dr Spouse) and the new blog address. I have a couple of friends' blogs where I just put in my first name, no address or login, though I caught myself out once by accidentally commenting as Dr Spouse while I was logged in, and had to go back and delete and recomment.
It's so confusing having multiple personalities!
*Actually, I just checked, and although there is an unfortunate British academic who is really called Dr. Spouse, this blog doesn't come up anywhere near the top.
I have just started another blog, which is very embryonic, and is intended to be a "communicating science to the public" type thing. I'm not hiding it, but it's not something I'm desperately promoting yet, either.
However, if I link to that from a non-IF site or blog that I read, I wouldn't mind people knowing it's there. I don't necessarily, though, want people to find this place - it's possible I may ultimately go public at work with the new one.
So, I reset my Blogger profile for Dr. Spouse to only show the new blog, not this one. Now, if I comment via Wordpress or Typepad I just put in the drspouse url and you can get here via that link. But if I comment on someone's IF-related Blogger blog then you get to the new blog, no longer here.
I'm assuming people can google Dr Spouse and find this blog, anyway*, but really they could find me that way if they were desperate - I tend to use Dr Spouse as my alias on some work-related sites too.
What with keeping friends and (more particularly) family away from this blog, I'm getting confused. Any suggestions? The one I've just come up with is, when commenting on non-IF blogs, just enter "name" (Dr Spouse) and the new blog address. I have a couple of friends' blogs where I just put in my first name, no address or login, though I caught myself out once by accidentally commenting as Dr Spouse while I was logged in, and had to go back and delete and recomment.
It's so confusing having multiple personalities!
*Actually, I just checked, and although there is an unfortunate British academic who is really called Dr. Spouse, this blog doesn't come up anywhere near the top.
Friday, May 15, 2009
And a bath bun
With, er, lemon curd?
Anyway, we went over to the latest adoption agency today as I said and had what was a pretty productive, but lengthy and tiring, chat. It was almost all focussed on the adoption process and our story to date, and very little on what we do and enjoy and are like, but that will no doubt come later.
The social worker we spoke to seemed relatively knowledgeable about both inter-country adoption in general (as she should be, but this part is going to be very helpful as the arcane windings of the DCSF are no doubt going to become part of our own personal family swear-words) and US domestic adoption ("please don't say in your profile you are hoping to 'complete your family circle' as I will have to strangle you". "No, that's OK, and we also promise not to say 'we think God has brought you into our lives'".). There were a couple of things that might be slightly concerning - because the law is different in the two countries about things like TPR, we'll have to tread carefully on our opinion of the two, and also since we won't be doing a Hague adoption, but everyone here has Hague firmly planted in their heads, we may have to keep reminding them, for example, that we are allowed to be pleased about birth parents, rather than agencies, choosing us - this is a Hague no-no.
Anyway, they don't do the CRB check now because, as I hoped, they sensibly do it later in parallel with other things; we may (fingers and toes very firmly crossed!) not have to do all of the preparation course, having done our fostering course; and even if we do have to do it, then dates in July are perfectly possible given the time frame (there's also an August one that would clash with a trip we're planning).
So, we are supposed to go away and "think", and I know we've been "thinking" for about 3 years, but I suspect we're not supposed to ring back this afternoon, perhaps next week will be soon enough, and while we're doing that, and she did say it would be today, she'll ring DCSF and say "this is an unusual case, is it OK with you", which is not a question you want after you've shelled out for a home study. But she was very impressed with the name of our UK lawyer, and said if we need people at DCSF to quake in their boots, it's the right name (many thanks, 3rdculturemum - old blog link, I'm afraid).
And yes, we will need criminal records checks from the US (easy to do as per instructions from US Embassy website) and from the two African countries where I've lived for longer periods of time (er... will they accept dodgy PI website court report summaries, do you think? There are lots of those about!), and our referees will need re-poking, and convincing that indeed, this time, we are serious, yes, honest. As she said, it makes you feel like you are doing something. Here begins death by paperwork.
So, we came home on the train, it is raining VERY hard, and I had to go and run a couple of errands, though I was supposed to be getting on with some hard writing this afternoon - but I feel like someone hit me with a big stick. So I bought a bun and had a cup of tea. But I've never had a Bath bun that had lemon curd in it. Strange.
Anyway, we went over to the latest adoption agency today as I said and had what was a pretty productive, but lengthy and tiring, chat. It was almost all focussed on the adoption process and our story to date, and very little on what we do and enjoy and are like, but that will no doubt come later.
The social worker we spoke to seemed relatively knowledgeable about both inter-country adoption in general (as she should be, but this part is going to be very helpful as the arcane windings of the DCSF are no doubt going to become part of our own personal family swear-words) and US domestic adoption ("please don't say in your profile you are hoping to 'complete your family circle' as I will have to strangle you". "No, that's OK, and we also promise not to say 'we think God has brought you into our lives'".). There were a couple of things that might be slightly concerning - because the law is different in the two countries about things like TPR, we'll have to tread carefully on our opinion of the two, and also since we won't be doing a Hague adoption, but everyone here has Hague firmly planted in their heads, we may have to keep reminding them, for example, that we are allowed to be pleased about birth parents, rather than agencies, choosing us - this is a Hague no-no.
Anyway, they don't do the CRB check now because, as I hoped, they sensibly do it later in parallel with other things; we may (fingers and toes very firmly crossed!) not have to do all of the preparation course, having done our fostering course; and even if we do have to do it, then dates in July are perfectly possible given the time frame (there's also an August one that would clash with a trip we're planning).
So, we are supposed to go away and "think", and I know we've been "thinking" for about 3 years, but I suspect we're not supposed to ring back this afternoon, perhaps next week will be soon enough, and while we're doing that, and she did say it would be today, she'll ring DCSF and say "this is an unusual case, is it OK with you", which is not a question you want after you've shelled out for a home study. But she was very impressed with the name of our UK lawyer, and said if we need people at DCSF to quake in their boots, it's the right name (many thanks, 3rdculturemum - old blog link, I'm afraid).
And yes, we will need criminal records checks from the US (easy to do as per instructions from US Embassy website) and from the two African countries where I've lived for longer periods of time (er... will they accept dodgy PI website court report summaries, do you think? There are lots of those about!), and our referees will need re-poking, and convincing that indeed, this time, we are serious, yes, honest. As she said, it makes you feel like you are doing something. Here begins death by paperwork.
So, we came home on the train, it is raining VERY hard, and I had to go and run a couple of errands, though I was supposed to be getting on with some hard writing this afternoon - but I feel like someone hit me with a big stick. So I bought a bun and had a cup of tea. But I've never had a Bath bun that had lemon curd in it. Strange.
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