Saturday, January 20, 2007

Slight decrease in panic

Mr. Spouse talked me down somewhat (and I think also now understands more than he did, or wants to, about pee sticks). And having a lie down because I felt completely wiped helped, too, I think. As did (sorry) examining the colour, or lack thereof, of said pee. I'll do another test on Monday morning before ringing the agency, but I do feel a bit better and we did go out for the curry.

We do, however, need to ask to be moved to the next course. If I miscarry after the next few days, but before the course (which starts the 2nd), I will not feel up to it in time. If we went when I was still pregnant, but we did then go ahead with adoption a) I would feel bad not telling them and b) they would, not unnaturally, feel cautious about trusting us when they found out. Which they would. What with medicals. And it is pretty important for your social worker to trust you. And they run at least 3 courses a year, and we should be able to start the home study before the course if the course isn't for a while. And even if they said we could do it anyway, then two days of the course clash with potential 7 or 8 week scans. And the only reason I won't have one of those scans is if I spontaneously miscarry before then, and am feeling awful and lying on the sofa. After which I will want to feel sorry for myself for a while, and not bare my soul to a social worker.

So as you can see we need to postpone the course... But thank you so much for your comments - that is what is so nice about blogging.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

After a few days mulling it over, I realize your post has made me quite sad, as I'm sure the experience has you. I can't bring myself to say, "you are not alone," because the misery of this experience is preceisely that you and Mr. are alone facing this, and everyone else's parallel experiences mean nothing for your own quest.

For what it is worth, I am also having another miscarriage. (And a bit confused as to when are we supposed to apply that word -- to the bleeding or the demise of the cell mass? I'm between the two.) Given that I am nearly 42, and that my miscarriages don't come naturally, this one pretty much brings me to an end. My husband and I have such an administratively complicated life, that I think we are more or less precluded from adopting. We will still manage something, I think, but will have to explore all sorts of complicated paths.

Oh dear, this is sounding like a listen-to-my-story comment, which isn't what I meant. I only meant that I am really sorry and saddened for you as well as for me and that I know just how cutting this is. I also think that for Rationalists -- as I would classify myself and (presumptuously?) you -- knowing that this is a "merely" a blighted cell mass doesn't diminish its poignancy. I imagine that loss gets harder and harder the further into the process one gets, and in that way I may have been lucky. But getting hope to fill your sails again, then being stranded, is very very hard.

So a few thoughts and wishes and empathy from a reader. Sorry for your troubles.