I'm sure this says something about me, or something

I'm typing this while drinking a small sherry. Fino, of course, not sweet.

The hospital visit went OK. I was actually grateful they decided not to scan me - there didn't seem much point, the doctor said (yes, an actual doctor - OK, I saw a doctor last time for the research test but before that it was a nurse). And she really seemed to be taking seriously the fact that we have problems getting pregnant as well as staying pregnant. Previously the gynae at the local hospital seemed to only consider the fertility problems, and the nurse at the RPL clinic seemed to assume we’d get pregnant again quickly. But it was still really, really hard, and not helped by the fact that I didn’t sleep that well last night.

One big question we had was whether there was any way to increase the frequency of getting pregnant; if we have, as I’m assuming, approximately a 50% chance of keeping each pregnancy, which doesn’t really decrease if there’s no known reason for losing them, then two pregnancies in 18 months is desperate (that’s about our average) but two pregnancies in six months would be hard, but at least quicker. No, she said, short of IVF, not really. Clomid is only if you can’t ovulate at all. IUI I know has about a 10% success rate per cycle which is about what we’re on anyway. IVF, as I think I’ve already said, seems like an expensive way to get where we are anyway.

They don't do scans at 5 weeks, as you can't see anything one way or the other. They will see people and do blood tests, but since they couldn't decide to do an ERPC any earlier than I'd be likely to miscarry spontaneously, they can't really do any tissue analysis either. All the blood test would be is watching it happen, as she put it, not preventing it or finding out any extra information.

However she looked at all the results and wasn’t happy with the hormone tests – she asked if I’d had an ovarian scan, which I haven’t. She’s wondering about PCOS. I think she’s wondering in a “well, everything else has been investigated mega thoroughly, but these hormone tests weren’t done by me and there’s been no scan” rather than in a “look at this large hairy woman with 2 periods a year, my word” type way, since although I had mild blood sugar issues when I was 2 ½ stone heavier, I am, as you have worked out, now 2 ½ stone lighter (middle of “overweight” – 5ft 3 and size 12-14), have clockwork periods and am the waxing lady’s dream; she just does waxing Reiki, I think, with me. Though the latter has probably got a lot to do with my Celtic/Germanic/Nordic/splash-of-maybe-Native-American heritage.

So I have an ovarian scan* in 3 weeks’ time which should, based on the last miscarriage, be about the equivalent of CD 27. However, I sneakily did another test (which I promised Mr Spouse I wouldn't) when I got back from the hospital and the hormone levels are still not zero (though the digital bit confirmed what we already knew, the stick had a faint second line again). So it may be another two weeks from now before I ovulate again. But I believe cysts are there a lot of the time, perhaps someone else can help me out here.

She also asked (thank you! Finally!) whether anyone had done any genetic tests on Mr. Spouse. I have asked about this the last two visits, I said. He comes from a family with a lot of only children, I said. Oh, dear, she said. So they poked him about 50 times with a needle and finally got some blood out and after the geneticists have grown it very very slowly in their lab we (probably both of us again; obviously they are doing chromosome tests on me too) will be back in the clinic in early April. Which I guess is about the right length of time for us to get our heads back into decision-making gear, since they are very much not in that gear at the moment.

I am aware this all sounds very rational and together. I don’t feel rational or together but the facts are easier to report than the actual state of my head. I get the feeling work is worried I may go AWOL again on them at short notice; I’m not sure I want to tell anyone other than immediate friends what’s up so they may just have to carry on worrying. Bad luck, work. I did chat on the phone to S who has had the China adoption issues due to the age of her husband; they are thinking about Guatemala instead, and she made me cry by saying “you will have a child, you will be a mother some day, don’t give up hope.”

I’ve finished the sherry now and am just trying to work out if some Green and Black’s will make me feel sick, or cheer me up, and what to veg out in front of on the telly tonight while I try and finish Mr. Spouse’s cuddly, but subtly male charcoal coloured, jumper. One advantage of miscarriages – lots of time to knit.

*Yes, I've had a lap and dye which revealed no problems with my uterus, plus I've had a couple of regular scans - just no ovarian scan - apparently you can't see much of the ovaries, especially if you aren't really looking, during the lap and dye.