Sunday, January 21, 2007

No change

Still bleeding, still red and clotty but also very mucous, still crampy. Basically very similar to the last one, apart from the mucus (I have now, I think, got the adjective and the noun right).

In answer to the comment that said I sound very calm - well, I suppose the panic has given way to the sadness already. I've alerted work, and just feel like I've bedded myself in for a few days of couch-dwelling, the old routine has kicked in. I have no idea where we go from here. I think it's too early to say. I don't know if we will feel up to the prep course - I thought we might, but now neither I nor Mr. Spouse are sure. I thought having another miscarriage would strengthen my resolve to adopt, but we were more optimistic about this one, and perhaps that's why I feel more cheated out of a biological child, or perhaps it's just the immediacy of it. Likewise I thought going through the hell again would make me think "give me contraceptives and give me them NOW" but I'm not sure of that either.

I do know that it makes me more convinced there is something actually wrong, not just bad luck, the pattern is too similar for each of them. And it also makes me less hopeful that they can do anything for us - if the only treatment is TLC and multiple scans, and we can't even make it to the hospital, and the only way to test for chromosomal abnormalities is to test the tissue in the lab, and we can't get that there either, then there's not much to be done.

You will forgive me for being a little despondent at this point, I know.

6 comments:

Thalia said...

Oh of course we will allow you anything at this point. It's just so horrible, getting a little bit further, allowing yourself to hope, then this. I wish I could think of something to do to support you better at this time.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I don't know if it helps but I have not a little admiration for the fact that you allow yourself to hope (even just a little). I'm just so damn sad that this is happening to you again.
DinoD

Michelle said...

I am so so sorry this had to happen. Your miscarriages sound very similar to mine, and the "answer" for me was to take baby aspirin.

geepeemum said...

I'm sorry too. Wish there was something more I could say....

Thalia said...

Just checkign in to see how you are doing. Thinking of you.

e said...

I am sorry this happened to you. I hope you find some answers soon.
x e (Purple Pen)