Answers

I'm seeking them. Several of them, the main ones at the moment seem to be "how long will we have to wait to be parents", "will anything go wrong between a match and a placement, and between placement and finalisation" and "will our child love us, will we love them, will we cope as parents, and will they have such difficulties that our life won't be the same again". Secondary to that is "is there any point in our stopping using contraceptives after a placement".

Someone should tell me to stop seeking answers on the internet. Of course I can no more do that than fly to the moon.

What is interesting (and probably partly what makes me keep looking) is the differing sets of answers you find depending on where you look. One UK adoption board, and some "adoption situations" sites (similar to adoption facilitators) seem to give the answer to the first question as "really quickly, it's magic" (with the addendum by the second group of sites of "if you have lots of money"). The other main UK board, and the main US board I read, give the answer "not for years and years and you might end up giving up or changing route". Well, at least we've already done the changing route thing.

The UK adoption message boards generally suggest that nothing will go wrong between match and finalisation unless (and it's a big unless) the social workers are truly incompetent. But the US board has lots of horror stories. In contrast, there's a lot of stiff-upper-lip, kids are resilient, even those that have come through foster care, sure we can't leave our 13 year old alone for a minute but we love him, on the US boards and blogs; the smaller of the UK boards has a lot of sunshine, roses, and toddlers with "normal toddler tantrums" but the larger UK board can be really depressing. If you are considering adoption, steer clear. Or at least try and work out that the people who can spend lots of time posting are those with school age children who have such significant needs that the adoptive parents no longer work.

On the final question, one of the UK boards is linked to fertility treatment boards. So their answer is, pray hard enough and you'll get enough fairy dust that despite your great age you will have a healthy pregnancy. Even though I still have the wobbles, as in the post of the other day, I'm no longer sure I want to be pregnant. I want to have a baby, but I don't think I want to be pregnant.

Jealous

Probably 3 or 4 years ago Overseas Adoption Colleague applied for promotion - it's a complicated process in my job, and involves masses of paperwork, usually only scrutinised once a year, and with petty bureaucrats dogging your every step. OAC was told it was "too soon" despite her stellar publication and funding record. About 2 years ago I did the same and was told something similar. I do have some funding - not as much as OAC, but more than a lot of people in my department. I have a pretty good publications record, perhaps not quite as good as OAC, but getting there. I was told it was mainly my lack of funding that was the problem.

OAC was just awarded promotion, which is very good. Very happy for her.

So was Colleague 2. Colleague 2 has a better publications record than I do but has no funding. Zero. None. Not very happy at all with that.

Also not happy with the fact that I spotted yesterday that Colleague 3 is pregnant. I thought at first she'd actually eaten some dessert (not really fair on Colleague 3, as she has as healthy appetite but is naturally small and very active). But no, she was wearing a top with those twee little tucks down the side. Dead giveaway. Of course no-one has told me this (just like Colleague 4 invited Colleagues 2, 3 and 5 through 7 to his wedding but didn't invite us...).

I wish I wasn't like this - but I was trying really hard to hold it together while driving home yesterday, and collapsed on the sofa with Mr Spouse, in tears, when I got there.

These two things feel so closely linked together. It feels like other people are being given things because they are adequate and I am not. I wish I didn't feel like this.

I think it could be the waiting

I'm feeling a bit "meh" as they say.

I've been trying to do productive but nice things - sewing, knitting, Brownies, running (did I mention I ran a 5K race in 33 minutes in a howling gale - third in my age group out of three? I'm aiming for 10K in September).

But I fear I may be veering towards obsessive - must run on Sunday and Tuesday or Thursday, must also run or do some other exercise on Tuesday or Thursday (I have recently tried Zumba, as have a couple of female neighbours near my age, so we have been egging each other on), must finish this skirt this weekend, must go to church, must read this book... and then this other one...

The weather isn't helping - typical British summer - cool, rainy, cloudy and unpredictable. I feel as if I should be relaxing and taking in the sun, and wearing all my nice summer clothes - instead I am stuck in autumn clothes which always make me feel like I should be gearing up for a new academic year.

I'm faced with another Sunday routine (it's getting bad when Sundays have routines) tomorrow - church, get a run in before lunch as there isn't really time after, then Brownies, which is a meeting I'm organising all of (usually we mix and match and either all do a bit towards each meeting, or take it in turns - but I tend to do all the admin and parent letters - so I always feel somehow responsible for that anyway).

I want to go somewhere, do something different, but I have to be back mid-afternoon - I was looking at National Trust houses for example - but one we haven't seen an hour away, doesn't open till 1pm - what use is that?

So instead, I'm doing what I keep trying to tell myself not to, i.e. tiring myself out by keeping myself up too late. I'm my own worst enemy.

Planning

We all know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men*.

Discussion on a forum today was about whether people had planned their families - the implication being that the opposite was the Oops baby.

Clearly if we ever had plans about the best time to have children they went West long ago.

But to me what others call "planned" I call "hope plus luck".

To me, if you say "I planned to get a promotion" then you are just being a bit arrogant. Maybe I'm alone, but you can try, you can do your best, you can be lucky, but to say you planned it implies others who plan - but do not get - or don't plan - are inadequate.

And I may be alone, but it always seems to me that it's similar for having children. So it always feels to me that they are saying something negative about my planning skills if they do.

I'm sure it's possible I'm being oversensitive. But there are so many implications of inadequacy in this game. Why didn't you get married earlier? Why didn't you "just" do IVF? Why did you "let" them take so long to approve you to adopt/send the paperwork overseas/find a match? Why are you doing something so unethical? Why aren't you prepared to adopt a British child?

So I could really do without another one.

*in case you've forgotten, they gang aft agley.

Open Adoption Roundtable #26

How do/would you talk with children about siblings in open adoption? How do you approach this as a (first or adoptive) parent, or how was it handled in your family if you grew up with siblings who didn't live with you? For prospective adoptive parents or first parents without other children, has this been something you've thought about how you would approach?

I have not shared many details of the situations we've been shown and I am going to be annoyingly non-specific here, to the point of boringness, nay tediousness, but I can definitely say that siblings were involved. Of the three situations we've been given details of, at least one had a child/ren that were being raised by their parents, at least one had child/ren that had already been adopted, and at least one had a child protective services order that meant no further children would be raised (at least not unless circumstances changed drastically). We saw a couple of pictures (and though all of the expectant parents were, still, expecting, and we didn't see any ultrasounds, it was a bit heart-wrenching to see what a child might look like).

So we have already had to think about siblings.

We were given full details including general living area of the placed sibling/s (and obviously the parented sibling/s). We knew how many and how old, not just for the purposes of getting a full health/pregnancy history but seemingly for the purpose of getting a better idea of the situation. All three sets of expectant parents asked for at least some degree of openness, but we don't know how much they already have with their placed child/ren - though at least one picture was of a placed child so in at least one case there are at least pictures being shared.

So we can know that our child, if any of these situations had worked out, or indeed in future situations, would be able to know about all older sibling/s (unless there are some that the expectant parents are not disclosing to the agency). We would have to address issues of, why was A raised and not me, and/or why was my mother not "allowed" to "keep" me.

If the future repeats the past, there could be further siblings but we would have no idea if we would get to know about any that were placed (in the one case not voluntarily). I think from our side, we would try to get in touch with the adoptive parents of the placed child/ren.

Contact with birth siblings is actually far more common in the UK than is contact with birth parents. It would be very rare here for adoptive parents not to have information about birth siblings, either older or younger, and adoptive parents here would understand that more (and do express frustration with the adopters of their child's siblings, who won't keep contact).

So I guess you could say we have a plan, or at least we've thought about the issues. But the practicalities are different. At least one of the placed child/ren lives in a different state to their birth parents. So although we are definitely planning to visit at least the state of our child's birth, even if we can't visit birth parents, that would mean we'd have to try and visit multiple locations to have direct contact with sibling/s - is that even practical in the long term? Would their adoptive parents want that? I know I've connected with cousins I saw rarely growing up, but is that inevitable assuming you are both willing, or does it assume some similar values in your upbringing?

But as far as talking to our child/ren, we have definitely had to think about that. Even in the UK, where most birth siblings of a child who was removed will also be removed, some will still be in the home (perhaps if half siblings, with their father). Some will be living with birth relatives. So we have been asked to think about how to talk to children about parented siblings.

In some ways that's harder than placed siblings - though of course we know children (whether birth or adopted) have all those impractical questions that make parents weep or despair, about why their parents can't have another child, have five more children, adopt their sibling/s.

I know it is all handwaving at this stage and it's easy to say it will all be fine and dandy if we are open - and I'm sure it won't - but I'm hoping that one aspect of "open" will be "open about the whole birth family" right from the start.

Not For the Likes of Us

I have heard this, not in those precise words, but almost, from other people about adoption, on a number of occasions since we announced we were thinking of adoption. Usually it is from people who actually don't need to make the decision: they have birth children, or they are trying to build a family but have not yet exhausted other avenues, or they may have children in the future but they are not particularly driven to do so.

Usually the reasons given are one of a) you're really brave, b) I don't think I could love an adopted child as much, or c) the process sounds too hard and I doubt we'd get approved/chosen.

Frankly I resent the implication that we are special, unique, or in some way gifted. I don't feel brave - I mainly feel scared - that we won't be chosen, yes, but also scared of being a mum, and scared that we won't do the right things for our child, and that I won't have any semblance of my old life - but that is fear of really major changes such as having a child that is so disabled I won't be able to work - not of missing a Saturday lie-in. I feel these are the kind of fears all prospective parents should have, but they aren't forced to think about parenthood as much as we have been. I do also feel broke, of course!

And although we don't have living birth children to compare, perhaps the ones we don't have would have been perfect. Perhaps we'll have more than one child and, like other thinking parents, we'll worry we'll love one more than the other.

And to be honest if we - medical problems, age and all, and in a fairly traditional part of the country, and very indecisive too, can be approved, I can't think anyone who doesn't actually have a criminal record or is imminently about to divorce or can't be bothered to spend some time with children, wouldn't be approved to adopt - possibly not everyone will find the first agency they approach is the one for them, it is true.

So there just remains matching. And I'm currently torn between "hurry up" and "I have too much to get done!"

Oh yeah, and the being broke bit.

Blast from the past

*Warning - spoilers!*

Things you don't even remember happening can come back and bite you on the bum.

I was reminded of this by a post by Jenn at Insert Bad Movie Title Here. I've blogged before about dramatic story lines and those that use pregnancy as dramatic device. I have of course become increasingly aware of adoption story lines but it's still the miscarriage/infant loss story lines that affect me most.

I've been participating in an online book group with a particularly unfortunate series of choices - January's was Sister, which involves prenatal diagnosis of serious illness and (we think) the murder of a pregnant woman. March was Behind the Scenes at the Museum in which several children die, including the protagonist's twin, and there is an additional plot line of "just don't tell the children, they'll forget". April had this plotline too, and a very traumatic birth plus an infertile/recurrent miscarrying bitter twisted stepmother (of course, only infertile women are bitter and twisted, and they all are bitter and twisted), in The Hand that First Held Mine.

Mr Spouse keeps asking me why I read or watch this stuff. I actually don't know why - perhaps once I've started I feel obligated to finish (though I used to read some of the child-abuse-lit e.g. A Child Called It, but I no longer read that nor would feel obligated to finish a book with that theme. People have been raving about Room but there's no way I'm touching that).

Perhaps I like a good cry. Perhaps I like a good rant - at the moment, that's what I get from a lot of the adoption story lines. The US ones are full of legal impossibilities or poor legal practice. The UK ones are full of people who decide one day to adopt and the next are going to approval panel and the following day have a gorgeous, well-behaved toddler ("but she's not my own flesh and blood!") in the house.

Anyway, before all this nastiness happened, there was Only Fools and Horses. Then the creator of the show did a bunch of other stuff, some more dodgy than others, (and some of it overlapped and was my teenage viewing) and then he died recently and there was a retrospective - and it slapped me in the face with the miscarriage of two of the characters. Clearly it meant absolutely nothing to me at the time so I had blanked it.

I even find this in some children's books I'm re-reading - there is a story line involving children being sent away, or children dying and no-one talking about it ever again (The Dark is Rising), and how did I not remember that?

I guess you just can never be the same again.

One of those odd thoughts that strikes you

We (as in, my imaginary friends inside the computer and I) have been discussing a very important point of the Royal Wedding* - how soon there will be a Royal Baby. Of course the mutterati are muttering that she'll be starting soon, perhaps she's already pregnant, and perhaps she got checked out already too? My point was that since 1/3 of infertility is male factor, that won't help, but perhaps Wills has already been to make a quick deposit to be checked? And of course with 1/3 unexplained, everything could come back fine and they could still have problems.

But my mind then runs on (of course) to what if Wills is shooting blanks - how does the Royal Succession deal with donor insemination? I'm assuming donor eggs are fine since who cares where the mother's side comes from (well, perhaps if the donor was Catholic??!) but would he have to turn to Harry for a donation? And if Harry obliged, what would happen if Harry already had a child? Or if Wills & Kate got lucky later on and had a child without help, what would that mean?

All important issues I'm sure you understand.

*Don't worry, I'm not watching it. I've got the day off but I'm about to go into town to buy some last minute items for Brownie Camp which starts this afternoon!

No news...

...in this case is definitely not good news. But it does save us from making a decision, and we have slightly clarified the boundaries (even though we don't really know where they are ourselves) with NLA, too.

Instead I'll show you the finished quilt I was talking about a while back:


(Isn't it nice how photos make things look so much more professional?!)

First reserve

So, after a nailbiting couple of days, our profile was shown, but we hadn't seen the additional information. We were not first choice but it has all been so rushed, the couple that were picked had also not had the full picture, so they are holding us second in case there is a dealbreaker for the other couple.

It is hard though - it's a really important decision, but not much time to decide - and there are some aspects Mr Spouse in particular is quite uncomfortable with. He's wondering if these are inevitable (I think we may have some prejudices about why parents place children for adoption - but I also think that we may just be seeing one particular cross-section at the moment).

Anyway I'm not quite sure what we'd do if the first couple say no, but we are talking it over. I feel if it doesn't work out either way, there are enough situations we shouldn't have to wait tooooo long.

Which brings me to my second point. Panic.

The baby in this situation is due in 6 weeks. It occurs to me that, for the next 18 months or longer, we need to be ready to fly - and be away for a month or longer - at this notice or considerably less. I can see work taking major advantage of me over this and trying to persuade me to keep in email touch/answer questions while I'm out on leave. And "work" is not just my colleagues in the building, but also multiple collaborators worldwide, many of whom have gone back to work a month after giving birth - so lots of emotional blackmail and likely some projects that will just collapse.

But you'll laugh if I say the most worry is taking place over how to hand over my Brownie unit. It's my project, I started it and I'm the public face and the one the girls are expecting to go on holiday with!

(Sorry for the slight case of leaving-you-hanging, we are still in this situation but I started writing on Thursday, only for the dog to eat my homework)

Possibly maybe

We got another call - this time a situation (a couple) we feel happy with. We are just waiting on some further information but our profile may be shown to them tomorrow.

I kind of thought that Nice Little Agency wouldn't call us every time they were thinking of showing our profile - but perhaps they are going to - I'm going to spend the next year or so on tenterhooks if we don't get picked quickly!

Another bite

We got another email asking if our profile could be shown to an expectant couple. We said no, again! Are we mad?
If you remember, we have to use Official Hague Person as well as Nice Little Agency - we've paid a deposit with both, and we've only been "officially waiting" for 6 weeks now. OHP asked us originally if we just wanted to use them, and network ourselves. They have contacts in a variety of agencies and it was a family who are going through one of these agencies.

We reckoned however that we have not given NLA enough of a chance to search for us. We assume (I think I said this already) that they are also showing our profile to expectant parents that they do not ask us about (and the reason OHP asked us was, we think, because it's another agency rather than a parent they have direct contact with).

We did in this case, as in the other, get to see the (anonymised - though not very efficiently, ahem) profile of the expectant parents. We won't share the details either here or with our social worker, but I think we might give her a small taster of the kind of situation, and also let her know that we are having this type of enquiry - I'm not sure she'll really like it from the point of view of the whole intercountry procedure, but the way I see it, we have to have official matches notified through OHP and through our UK agency, but this is not an official match.

The way I see it, if it's a toss up between showing us some of the information unofficially, so we can say yes, no, or more information please - and showing our profile to some scared and vulnerable expectant parents, having them say yes please we like Dr and Mr Spouse, and then having us say no thanks - take the first option every time. Don't put scared and vulnerable people through indecision. It feels weird though that we are not the most scared and vulnerable people in this situation.

Anyway there were also quite a few factors that are a bit difficult to decide about - in fact, individually they would probably be just fine, it's that there were so many of them - plus some other factors that we had further questions about - so, as with our previous nibble, it is good to clarify what we'd want more information on, and good to know we are marketable.

Stunned

We had a call last night asking if Nice Little Agency could show our profile to an expectant couple.

We said no. I'm going to start being a little more circumspect than I normally am, though if you are a regular reader/commenter I'm happy to share more by email. But basically there was a risk and a financial element and the risk was one we had not had a chance to consider, and the agency thought our reasons for saying no made sense.

I don't think they will now mark us down as hard to please and indecisive but sod's law of course dictates there will be no other matches in the next year.

Why do I bother?

As of today, we are officially "parents in waiting". Of course this does not mean the paperwork has stopped, as several things need renewing, but our ducks are enough in a row that NLA is going to start showing our profile.

My mother, on the other hand... I've been trying to keep her updated and in fact have just sent an email to say exactly that. She has a fairly big birthday coming up early next year and wants to do something exciting, so she was trying to make some suggestions and maybe even book something. I said that we could not really commit as we have about a 50% chance of a match in the next year. "What do you mean, a match?" was her reply. I have left her to think about why that was a silly answer.

Well that wasn't awkward...

I had a visitor at work yesterday and was taking her out to lunch, with another colleague, in my car. We had just been talking about my visitor's kids (she's a good friend, and she also works with kids). My colleague said "oh, your car is tidy, for someone with children"!!

Both I and my visitor experienced a slight disconnect - we first thought he was meaning the car was hers, but he knew she hadn't driven up. And his surprise when I replied "but I haven't got children" made it plain he didn't mean that. So we were left with no clue as to why he thought I did.

But is it legal?

NLA says that all they need from us now to start showing our profile is a) some money (of course) and b) the actual profile. Both should be with them by the end of the week. They are pretty good at communicating with us directly, not so good at remembering to cc in OHP. Since we know OHP is the one that really has to decide if our paperwork is in order, they are the ones who really need to give the go-ahead. But it's nice to know we're nearly there.

On the communicating to us but forgetting OHP, the way it works with overseas adoption in the UK is that we are only supposed to hear about a match through our agency (and they hear from OHP and the UK government department). This is supposed to make it all legal and mean all matches meet our criteria and everything is above board. But I just know NLA is going to forget this and tell us first. Well, it's not my job to tell them the law.

Of COURSE

the paperwork isn't complete. Why would it be complete?

Still do to: resend some profiles to NLA (they didn't arrive - plan is to get them printed locally rather than ship them) and a small pair of agreements for them (which we knew weren't there but hadn't got round to). Renew for OHP (head-desk-repeat) our criminal record checks and probably our medical reports. And (head-desk-multiple times because this one they could have told us without seeing the dates on the paperwork because they have seen UK home studies before, get our referees to write exactly the same thing they wrote on our referee forms only in a referee letter.

My head hurts now.

Finally...

Our UK paperwork is on its way across the Atlantic.
We sent some copies of our profile to Official Hague Person and Nice Little Agency. OHP confirmed receipt but I had to remind NLA today they hadn't let us know it had arrived.

We got an email asking to schedule our annual review, from our UK social worker. We are planning a short jaunt that week (taking advantage of being able to take holidays out of school term time, though I suppose that will go on for a few years yet), but although it is definitely a few months away, it just brings home that we've been waiting nearly a year and aren't even "live" yet. We also probably need to renew (or at least get another stamp on) medicals etc.

Sigh.

I have a proposal

Rather than ask for, or hope for, an apology every time someone makes a crass comment, I think I'll start charging. Say, £5 a time, should pay for a holiday in "you know you'll just get pregnant now you're adopting" and possibly even the whole adoption process in "ooh just take my kids, please, no, take them".

Making history

I surely must be the only person in the world who picked up their very first prescription of the contraceptive pill (progesterone only, to see if it suits me before trying the implant), and varifocals, on the same day.

I should hasten to add that I only need the close work section of the glasses when I am wearing the distance glasses, which were recently upgraded to enable me to actually see the leaves on the trees - I don't need them with my contact lenses in, which is what I wear most of the time, and I don't need them without my glasses on. I'm not that bad!

In other news, it turns out TMI friend has quite short cycles (I know you don't want to know that but I don't either, so you're just going to have to read this with your eyes closed) which slightly explains why we get the I that is TM every five minutes. I will stop posting about her. Until I get really annoyed again. I should hide her, but it's like a car crash - you can't stop looking.