You know what this feels like...

It doesn't feel like the home stretch. It feels exactly like having just got a positive test and waiting to tell people until we are more sure. It feels like saying, well, if we get to six weeks we'll tell family, we'll only tell work if we get to 12 weeks.

At least I don't have to be on knicker watch.

Not to do list...

We had a bit of a panic and a few cross words were exchanged last night. I think we just feel overwhelmed and this is preventing us from feeling excited. Today I feel a little bit excited, but mainly just knackered (I hadn't been sleeping well even before this) and very slightly less overwhelmed...

Today we needed to:
Send yet more money to Official Hague Person - check
Ask OHP if they need to contact the UK "central authority" now - check
Send forms to Nice Little Agency - check
Start to think about who to tell, and when
Panic about calling the expectant mother - double check
Thinking about asking the nursery at work what to do about a place that we may, or may not, need - check

However we will not be:
Telling more than immediate family (the list is less than 10 people, and does not include my boss, anyone on Facebook, thanks guys)
Telling work
Buying any baby stuff
Knitting any baby stuff

But I have to confess that I did look up what vacation spots there are within a few hours' drive of the city the baby will be born in...

Welll.......

It looks like it's going to be a good week for the Spousehold.

An expensive week, but a good week.

The expectant mother has picked us. And although perhaps there were other situations we weren't picked for because the parents didn't have full information, there are other things that mean this is a good match for us. But one of the things that made her happy was us wanting to meet, and she knows it won't be that often, and I'm just going to look up vacation spots suitable for children near her city...

It's probably a boy (you know how it is with ultrasounds, sorry, sonograms as I must remember to call them), due in January. So 3 months to bite my fingernails. Will she decide to parent before the birth, will the father turn up, will she decide to parent after the birth, will the state authorities take ages to allow us to travel out of state, will the baby get sick, will the baby die, will the US authorities take ages to allow us to travel out of the US, will the UK authorities play ball... some of you have been there, done that, please hold my hand!

Although Mr Spouse has been a little worried about costs, he has basically said "go for it"; we aren't entirely sure exactly how much we owe as we have three different copies of the totals/estimates. We will wait and see what they say... and then empty the bank account. Thank goodness for low mortgage interest rates meaning we have a little in the savings.

In other news, my dad is getting a major award from a member of the Royal Family next week. I'm beavering away on the sewing machine to make a dress and have also stupidly decided to make a hat from a hat blank (one of those things you don't know how hard it will be so you say, yes, why not). The dress has some restitching on the neckline, the hem, and a bunch of hand sewing to do. The hat... well... I'll remain silent. I'm just hoping we'll meet a Goodie.

Just a quickie...

Another call about a situation, this time pretty much OK, no major worries, yes please show our profile. Photo on their profile of expectant mother with child she does not live with - so please emphasise we'd be open to visits, but couldn't promise very often. Oh, you'd be open to visits?

Erm, have they not read our profile?

We have not put this specifically on the full colour profile in so many words as we were told some parents are not keen and wouldn't want to be pushed into this. But it says this on our agency forms, we told them, have they forgotten? Have they not been telling expectant parents?

Anyway hoping this might be the right one for us, should hear tomorrow or the next day.

A second opinion

I may have said, and I'm too lazy to check, but I've been having some checks for exercise-induced asthma. It was when Mr Spouse said there was no need for me to ring the bell after I've got back from a run, I just need to stand outside the front door and cough...

The first GP I could get in to see got me to do a peak flow diary. It was inconclusive, so he suggested I wait a couple of months, keep up the exercise and try again. In the meantime, I saw my regular GP for a repeat adoption medical* and he asked why the first GP wasn't just trying me on an inhaler. The first GP got me to do another peak flow diary. It was borderline (clearer, but borderline), so he sent me to do a more complicated breathing test with the nurse. Not surprisingly, since I only get breathless after half an hour's exercise, and I had just strolled 10 minutes from the house, it was fine.

The nurse also asked why I'd never tried an inhaler, and when I told her about the two GPs different attitudes she left a note for my regular GP saying "please prescribe an inhaler".

Ahem.

In other news, I had an email exchange today and then had to call a colleague because she's going into hospital tomorrow. A few years younger than me, on her second (but this time very happy) marriage, no kids, devoted aunt. I shared that when I had GA it made me groggy for most of a week. Sounds like she's having one too. Hmm... thirty-something woman, apparently very healthy, having a procedure under GA...

*involving a long saga of lost post and unreadable photocopies. Gah.

Anniversary

In 1998, I spent the 4th July at the Marine Club next to one of the US embassies that was bombed the next month. We all knew who Bin Laden and Al Qaeda were. We also knew that US embassy personnel had delayed ambulances getting to the office building next to the Nairobi embassy, that had also blown up.

Ten years ago today, I was in the air, first flying to Nairobi overnight, and then at the time the planes were in the air over the East Coast of the US, I was on an internal flight. Because I'd flown overnight, I went straight to a colleague's house and had a nap. I woke up later that afternoon and everyone was listening to the BBC World Service. I could not believe what I was hearing, to the point where I thought it was a joke, or exaggerated. I did not see any pictures of the attacks until several days later, and then only stills on the web.

This weekend there has also been news of a  ferry disaster in an ocean I know very well. I have never taken that ferry but once I was on a catamaran ferry in that stretch of water and we suddenly slowed and stopped. We picked up two fishermen clinging to their outrigger boat. They had been there for at least 24 hours and were suffering from dehydration and, because the sea is cold and it is not that warm at this time of year, imminent hypothermia. Poverty kills, in unexpected ways. One of the biggest causes of death in developing countries is road accidents, from poorly maintained vehicles or poorly skilled drivers, or both

The lazy woman's blogging

Nothing much at this end - another suggestion of a match from our agency which once again was well outside our parameters (but we firmly reset the parameters and we think they understood this time).

Might as well do a meme or two (though I hate hate hate that word). This looks fairly mindless though May's H says it is hard. I will let you know when I get to the bottom.

1. Yourself: distracted

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend [husband]: woodworking

3. Your hair: highlighted

4. Your mother/stepmother: stingy

5. Your dog: non-existent

6. Your favorite item: Bernina

7. Your dream last night: none

8. Your favorite drink: coffee

9. Your dream car: VW

10. The room you are in: office

12. Your fear: widowhood

13. What you want to be in 10 years: mum

14. Who you hung out with last night: fabric

15. What you’re not: concentrating

16. Muffin: cranberry

17: One of your wish list items: Chosen

18: Time: teatime

19. The last thing you did: writing

20. What you are wearing: chinos

21. Your favorite weather: tropical

22. Your favorite book: Wimsey

23. The last thing you ate: halloumi

24. Your life: full

25. Your mood: distracted

26. Your best friend(s): none

27. What are you thinking about right now? writing

28. Your car: A-class

29. What are you doing at the moment?: cogitating

30. Your summer: chilly

31. Your relationship status: lovely

32. What is on your TV?: nowt

33. What is the weather like?: chilly

34. When is the last time you laughed?: yesterday

OK, that wasn't tooooo hard but I had to change some of the answers.

I'm currently making this and contemplating a hat for a VIP award ceremony next month (not me that is getting the award). Mr Spouse is still on DIY leave and has assembled a glass-fronted bookcase to keep ornaments in, and away from small children, as well as making (from scratch) window-alcove cupboards, a small table for my laptop (which I really just use as a hard drive), new legs for my cutting table, and project managing the new loo under the stairs (which so far really consists of ringing round all the workmen only to find that at least one is on holiday - they start in 3 weeks which gives us that long to pack up all the stuff).

Coming out

Although there are a lot of people who know we are prospective adoptive parents, I'm not really ready to tell a whole bunch of other people, and even the ones that know, I'd rather not remind them as I'm not up for boring questions about when it will happen.

So whenever something comes up for which the true explanation is "we want it/want to know it for when we have a baby" I tend to fudge the issue. Excuses range from "it will be handy to have another loo when we have visitors" to "ooh, my nieces will like that doll".

I'm just going to leave it all as a big surprise.

Oh yes

The friend with the christening. Emailed (normally she's allergic to email) to say do we want to meet up when she's up our way. Considering how to reply. I imagine she actually did not get get birthday present, but still feel it would have been at least polite to tell us about the christening.

I don't normally do this

But do please stop by On the Edge to say congratulations. They  met their little girl  today!

(Though they are, perhaps, doomed if she doesn't like pink).

Redux

I feel there's been a lot missing, but not very much happened. Anyway:

Mother and niece (7) came to stay. Mother annoyed everyone. Niece and I went on holiday with the Brownies. All Brownies behaved themselves well and undertook many adventurous activities, fear only being displayed for the most part in the face of potato, peas, and bed-times, not in the face of Climbing Up Large Structures And Jumping Off In A Harness.

Self and Brownies and Niece arrived back home, immediately followed by mother (who does not know the alarm code, who KNOWS she does not know the alarm code, so what did she think she'd do if we weren't back yet?). Mother annoyed everyone.

Several areas of London and Manchester burnt to a crisp/smashed to pieces. Include a) high street shops near my former church (where we got married) b) residential street opposite ditto c) precinct 1/2 mile from mother-in-law's flat and d) small row of shops 100m from MIL's flat. Does not include high street shops nearer my old flat (but not much nearer - church is about 1 1/2 miles away, other shops about 1 mile) as these are heartily defended by Turkish shopkeepers with baseball bats.

Despite rioting, the flat, which was for rent, gets an offer within a week of being on the market. London housing is crazy.

Your author becomes not only published but paid for. If you have not yet seen the link on that other place, email me (as it does, not surprisingly, reveal my name).

MIL turns 91 and thankfully does not have any idea about the rioting round the corner from her house. Also has no idea who I am. She is at least polite and does not say this to my face.

Mother is arranging 70th birthday which is in January, for which she "just wants to stay home and have everyone to stay and cook for them". Even just her two children, their spouses, and my two nieces won't fit round her table. Despite being very rude about them, I do know she has kept a few friends over the years. She does not like the idea of going out anywhere or going to stay anywhere, but wants to take the same people to Paris at Easter, wondering (yet again) why we cannot commit to that yet.

Added into the mix now is that Mr Spouse has surprised no-one but himself and got a First in his degree and is moving on to do an MSc in Something Boring and Businessy which includes a fairly lengthy work placement, which again cannot be predicted, probably cannot be changed, and my mother cannot understand why it can't be cancelled, predicted, or changed.

I shouldn't be too surprised

Our friends (my best woman and her husband) who had one? two? miscarriages and two rounds of IVF plus FET (again, can't remember the numbers, but I definitely supported her through it, that goes without saying) had their baby baptised this morning. I found out through a mutual friend's FB post, who is his godmother. Now, she is currently a closer (both geographically and socially) friend than I am, though I actually knew both of them first. But I'm upset they didn't even invite us.

I have no godchildren, except for my younger niece. My niece is delightful, but my brother and sister-in-law I know had little choice in "friends or family who have actually been baptised" since sister-in-law is Catholic, they live in a Catholic country, and there was no real choice of the church to use - so the godparents had to be baptised - and they wanted one from my brother's side, which basically leaves me - and you can't really be a different aunt-and-godmother when you have a niece that you are not godmother to.

I am not bitter about this in the way that I am definitely bitter, and proud, of being childless. But clearly my friends who have lots of friends who go to church see me way down the list of potential godparents. And my friends who have almost no friends who go to church (this is how my friend C got about 5 godparent gigs) perhaps aren't bothering. But at least Mr Spouse's best man and his irritating wife* actually invited us to their son's (fancy, expensive) dedication (I think they have "sponsors" not godparents but we were happy not to be them as they are Baptist and our theology is a little different).

When we thought we would have children within, ooh, a decade of marriage, we had some ideas for godparents. Mr Spouse's best man would obviously not do, as he does not believe in infant baptism (and neither would his wife. How sad). I was assuming that my best woman would be a shoo-in**, and we had some other ideas - particularly other people who'd played a big part in our wedding. Some of those we keep up with quite a lot, others not so much, but I realise I don't have any other particularly good ideas.

Few of my family go to church (though there is one couple that we were thinking of asking anyway). Few of Mr Spouse's family are alive. We have not made that many friends who are really young enough (sounds mean, but to be pragmatic), because most people our age at church have children and don't socialise with sad childless couples. Fairly new friends are hard to predict - will they stay friends? - and most of our fairly new friends don't go to church anyway. Which is why you fall back on old friends. Or at least those you thought were old friends.

*If you can't remember that far back, they struggled to get pregnant but then announced to us that she was pregnant the minute we joined them for a ski-ing holiday, staying in the same condo, no escape. OK, avoiding the wine and hot tub might have been a clue, so they couldn't really have kept it quiet, but pre-warning would have been nice. And they are currently smug about the fact that we "have to" adopt and they don't, and full of Good Advice about how to bring up children.

**yes, that is how you spell it.

You can stop biting your fingernails

We decided not to have our profile shown. There wasn't anything specific, just a combination of things adding up to us feeling there was too much to handle. I was about 75% positive but Mr Spouse more like 50/50 I'm estimating.

One positive was that we had a nice chat with a social worker at Nice Little Agency. Our profile has been shown other times (they don't tell us about all of them if it's firmly within our criteria) but we aren't currently under consideration (I didn't think we were). They don't need any other copies of our profile just now (we get them printed over there and shipped locally). All well. Apart from our impatience of course!

Restrictive

We are currently in limbo with another situation - I am away with work (fly back this afternoon so won't be able to discuss with Mr Spouse till tomorrow afternoon) and we heard about it on Weds or Thurs so there's been a bit of angst my end, not knowing what will happen. It is a bit tricksy though I think also the expectant parents are not in a huge rush, so can wait a few days to be shown profiles - but I get the impression there are not many prospective adopters lining up to be shown either so we would not be in competition, or not with too many.

This couple already knows they are expecting a boy (ultrasound mistakes notwithstanding) and after reading May's post about names (sorry love, I can't find your post, would you like to provide a driveby link in the comments?) I realised that I have very very restrictive criteria for naming a boy (and, it happens, a girl). I am not quite sure Mr Spouse realises quite how restrictive they are. One of the names must be my father's and the other must be a family name, and it mustn't be the same name as my uncle much as I like that name, because Mr Spouse has a Welsh last name, and it is the "matching" first name. And it mustn't be the same as my cousin (because that would give the child the exact same name as my dad), and it mustn't be the same as my brother (because there are too many of those in the family). There's about 2 options left.

So instead of wondering "is this our baby?" I am now wondering "is this going to be Tarquin Worthington Spouse Jones, or is a different baby going to be Tarquin Worthington Spouse Jones?". Which is a bit of an existential question.

Answers

I'm seeking them. Several of them, the main ones at the moment seem to be "how long will we have to wait to be parents", "will anything go wrong between a match and a placement, and between placement and finalisation" and "will our child love us, will we love them, will we cope as parents, and will they have such difficulties that our life won't be the same again". Secondary to that is "is there any point in our stopping using contraceptives after a placement".

Someone should tell me to stop seeking answers on the internet. Of course I can no more do that than fly to the moon.

What is interesting (and probably partly what makes me keep looking) is the differing sets of answers you find depending on where you look. One UK adoption board, and some "adoption situations" sites (similar to adoption facilitators) seem to give the answer to the first question as "really quickly, it's magic" (with the addendum by the second group of sites of "if you have lots of money"). The other main UK board, and the main US board I read, give the answer "not for years and years and you might end up giving up or changing route". Well, at least we've already done the changing route thing.

The UK adoption message boards generally suggest that nothing will go wrong between match and finalisation unless (and it's a big unless) the social workers are truly incompetent. But the US board has lots of horror stories. In contrast, there's a lot of stiff-upper-lip, kids are resilient, even those that have come through foster care, sure we can't leave our 13 year old alone for a minute but we love him, on the US boards and blogs; the smaller of the UK boards has a lot of sunshine, roses, and toddlers with "normal toddler tantrums" but the larger UK board can be really depressing. If you are considering adoption, steer clear. Or at least try and work out that the people who can spend lots of time posting are those with school age children who have such significant needs that the adoptive parents no longer work.

On the final question, one of the UK boards is linked to fertility treatment boards. So their answer is, pray hard enough and you'll get enough fairy dust that despite your great age you will have a healthy pregnancy. Even though I still have the wobbles, as in the post of the other day, I'm no longer sure I want to be pregnant. I want to have a baby, but I don't think I want to be pregnant.

Jealous

Probably 3 or 4 years ago Overseas Adoption Colleague applied for promotion - it's a complicated process in my job, and involves masses of paperwork, usually only scrutinised once a year, and with petty bureaucrats dogging your every step. OAC was told it was "too soon" despite her stellar publication and funding record. About 2 years ago I did the same and was told something similar. I do have some funding - not as much as OAC, but more than a lot of people in my department. I have a pretty good publications record, perhaps not quite as good as OAC, but getting there. I was told it was mainly my lack of funding that was the problem.

OAC was just awarded promotion, which is very good. Very happy for her.

So was Colleague 2. Colleague 2 has a better publications record than I do but has no funding. Zero. None. Not very happy at all with that.

Also not happy with the fact that I spotted yesterday that Colleague 3 is pregnant. I thought at first she'd actually eaten some dessert (not really fair on Colleague 3, as she has as healthy appetite but is naturally small and very active). But no, she was wearing a top with those twee little tucks down the side. Dead giveaway. Of course no-one has told me this (just like Colleague 4 invited Colleagues 2, 3 and 5 through 7 to his wedding but didn't invite us...).

I wish I wasn't like this - but I was trying really hard to hold it together while driving home yesterday, and collapsed on the sofa with Mr Spouse, in tears, when I got there.

These two things feel so closely linked together. It feels like other people are being given things because they are adequate and I am not. I wish I didn't feel like this.

I think it could be the waiting

I'm feeling a bit "meh" as they say.

I've been trying to do productive but nice things - sewing, knitting, Brownies, running (did I mention I ran a 5K race in 33 minutes in a howling gale - third in my age group out of three? I'm aiming for 10K in September).

But I fear I may be veering towards obsessive - must run on Sunday and Tuesday or Thursday, must also run or do some other exercise on Tuesday or Thursday (I have recently tried Zumba, as have a couple of female neighbours near my age, so we have been egging each other on), must finish this skirt this weekend, must go to church, must read this book... and then this other one...

The weather isn't helping - typical British summer - cool, rainy, cloudy and unpredictable. I feel as if I should be relaxing and taking in the sun, and wearing all my nice summer clothes - instead I am stuck in autumn clothes which always make me feel like I should be gearing up for a new academic year.

I'm faced with another Sunday routine (it's getting bad when Sundays have routines) tomorrow - church, get a run in before lunch as there isn't really time after, then Brownies, which is a meeting I'm organising all of (usually we mix and match and either all do a bit towards each meeting, or take it in turns - but I tend to do all the admin and parent letters - so I always feel somehow responsible for that anyway).

I want to go somewhere, do something different, but I have to be back mid-afternoon - I was looking at National Trust houses for example - but one we haven't seen an hour away, doesn't open till 1pm - what use is that?

So instead, I'm doing what I keep trying to tell myself not to, i.e. tiring myself out by keeping myself up too late. I'm my own worst enemy.

Planning

We all know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men*.

Discussion on a forum today was about whether people had planned their families - the implication being that the opposite was the Oops baby.

Clearly if we ever had plans about the best time to have children they went West long ago.

But to me what others call "planned" I call "hope plus luck".

To me, if you say "I planned to get a promotion" then you are just being a bit arrogant. Maybe I'm alone, but you can try, you can do your best, you can be lucky, but to say you planned it implies others who plan - but do not get - or don't plan - are inadequate.

And I may be alone, but it always seems to me that it's similar for having children. So it always feels to me that they are saying something negative about my planning skills if they do.

I'm sure it's possible I'm being oversensitive. But there are so many implications of inadequacy in this game. Why didn't you get married earlier? Why didn't you "just" do IVF? Why did you "let" them take so long to approve you to adopt/send the paperwork overseas/find a match? Why are you doing something so unethical? Why aren't you prepared to adopt a British child?

So I could really do without another one.

*in case you've forgotten, they gang aft agley.

Open Adoption Roundtable #26

How do/would you talk with children about siblings in open adoption? How do you approach this as a (first or adoptive) parent, or how was it handled in your family if you grew up with siblings who didn't live with you? For prospective adoptive parents or first parents without other children, has this been something you've thought about how you would approach?

I have not shared many details of the situations we've been shown and I am going to be annoyingly non-specific here, to the point of boringness, nay tediousness, but I can definitely say that siblings were involved. Of the three situations we've been given details of, at least one had a child/ren that were being raised by their parents, at least one had child/ren that had already been adopted, and at least one had a child protective services order that meant no further children would be raised (at least not unless circumstances changed drastically). We saw a couple of pictures (and though all of the expectant parents were, still, expecting, and we didn't see any ultrasounds, it was a bit heart-wrenching to see what a child might look like).

So we have already had to think about siblings.

We were given full details including general living area of the placed sibling/s (and obviously the parented sibling/s). We knew how many and how old, not just for the purposes of getting a full health/pregnancy history but seemingly for the purpose of getting a better idea of the situation. All three sets of expectant parents asked for at least some degree of openness, but we don't know how much they already have with their placed child/ren - though at least one picture was of a placed child so in at least one case there are at least pictures being shared.

So we can know that our child, if any of these situations had worked out, or indeed in future situations, would be able to know about all older sibling/s (unless there are some that the expectant parents are not disclosing to the agency). We would have to address issues of, why was A raised and not me, and/or why was my mother not "allowed" to "keep" me.

If the future repeats the past, there could be further siblings but we would have no idea if we would get to know about any that were placed (in the one case not voluntarily). I think from our side, we would try to get in touch with the adoptive parents of the placed child/ren.

Contact with birth siblings is actually far more common in the UK than is contact with birth parents. It would be very rare here for adoptive parents not to have information about birth siblings, either older or younger, and adoptive parents here would understand that more (and do express frustration with the adopters of their child's siblings, who won't keep contact).

So I guess you could say we have a plan, or at least we've thought about the issues. But the practicalities are different. At least one of the placed child/ren lives in a different state to their birth parents. So although we are definitely planning to visit at least the state of our child's birth, even if we can't visit birth parents, that would mean we'd have to try and visit multiple locations to have direct contact with sibling/s - is that even practical in the long term? Would their adoptive parents want that? I know I've connected with cousins I saw rarely growing up, but is that inevitable assuming you are both willing, or does it assume some similar values in your upbringing?

But as far as talking to our child/ren, we have definitely had to think about that. Even in the UK, where most birth siblings of a child who was removed will also be removed, some will still be in the home (perhaps if half siblings, with their father). Some will be living with birth relatives. So we have been asked to think about how to talk to children about parented siblings.

In some ways that's harder than placed siblings - though of course we know children (whether birth or adopted) have all those impractical questions that make parents weep or despair, about why their parents can't have another child, have five more children, adopt their sibling/s.

I know it is all handwaving at this stage and it's easy to say it will all be fine and dandy if we are open - and I'm sure it won't - but I'm hoping that one aspect of "open" will be "open about the whole birth family" right from the start.

Not For the Likes of Us

I have heard this, not in those precise words, but almost, from other people about adoption, on a number of occasions since we announced we were thinking of adoption. Usually it is from people who actually don't need to make the decision: they have birth children, or they are trying to build a family but have not yet exhausted other avenues, or they may have children in the future but they are not particularly driven to do so.

Usually the reasons given are one of a) you're really brave, b) I don't think I could love an adopted child as much, or c) the process sounds too hard and I doubt we'd get approved/chosen.

Frankly I resent the implication that we are special, unique, or in some way gifted. I don't feel brave - I mainly feel scared - that we won't be chosen, yes, but also scared of being a mum, and scared that we won't do the right things for our child, and that I won't have any semblance of my old life - but that is fear of really major changes such as having a child that is so disabled I won't be able to work - not of missing a Saturday lie-in. I feel these are the kind of fears all prospective parents should have, but they aren't forced to think about parenthood as much as we have been. I do also feel broke, of course!

And although we don't have living birth children to compare, perhaps the ones we don't have would have been perfect. Perhaps we'll have more than one child and, like other thinking parents, we'll worry we'll love one more than the other.

And to be honest if we - medical problems, age and all, and in a fairly traditional part of the country, and very indecisive too, can be approved, I can't think anyone who doesn't actually have a criminal record or is imminently about to divorce or can't be bothered to spend some time with children, wouldn't be approved to adopt - possibly not everyone will find the first agency they approach is the one for them, it is true.

So there just remains matching. And I'm currently torn between "hurry up" and "I have too much to get done!"

Oh yeah, and the being broke bit.