Sunday, July 31, 2011

I shouldn't be too surprised

Our friends (my best woman and her husband) who had one? two? miscarriages and two rounds of IVF plus FET (again, can't remember the numbers, but I definitely supported her through it, that goes without saying) had their baby baptised this morning. I found out through a mutual friend's FB post, who is his godmother. Now, she is currently a closer (both geographically and socially) friend than I am, though I actually knew both of them first. But I'm upset they didn't even invite us.

I have no godchildren, except for my younger niece. My niece is delightful, but my brother and sister-in-law I know had little choice in "friends or family who have actually been baptised" since sister-in-law is Catholic, they live in a Catholic country, and there was no real choice of the church to use - so the godparents had to be baptised - and they wanted one from my brother's side, which basically leaves me - and you can't really be a different aunt-and-godmother when you have a niece that you are not godmother to.

I am not bitter about this in the way that I am definitely bitter, and proud, of being childless. But clearly my friends who have lots of friends who go to church see me way down the list of potential godparents. And my friends who have almost no friends who go to church (this is how my friend C got about 5 godparent gigs) perhaps aren't bothering. But at least Mr Spouse's best man and his irritating wife* actually invited us to their son's (fancy, expensive) dedication (I think they have "sponsors" not godparents but we were happy not to be them as they are Baptist and our theology is a little different).

When we thought we would have children within, ooh, a decade of marriage, we had some ideas for godparents. Mr Spouse's best man would obviously not do, as he does not believe in infant baptism (and neither would his wife. How sad). I was assuming that my best woman would be a shoo-in**, and we had some other ideas - particularly other people who'd played a big part in our wedding. Some of those we keep up with quite a lot, others not so much, but I realise I don't have any other particularly good ideas.

Few of my family go to church (though there is one couple that we were thinking of asking anyway). Few of Mr Spouse's family are alive. We have not made that many friends who are really young enough (sounds mean, but to be pragmatic), because most people our age at church have children and don't socialise with sad childless couples. Fairly new friends are hard to predict - will they stay friends? - and most of our fairly new friends don't go to church anyway. Which is why you fall back on old friends. Or at least those you thought were old friends.

*If you can't remember that far back, they struggled to get pregnant but then announced to us that she was pregnant the minute we joined them for a ski-ing holiday, staying in the same condo, no escape. OK, avoiding the wine and hot tub might have been a clue, so they couldn't really have kept it quiet, but pre-warning would have been nice. And they are currently smug about the fact that we "have to" adopt and they don't, and full of Good Advice about how to bring up children.

**yes, that is how you spell it.


Rachel said...

It sucks to feel snubbed. It makes life feel like high school again. I hate it. I'm sorry.

Lorna said...

I'm sorry too. In their defence, maybe they felt the christening would have upset you too much but they could have given you the option.
And there is nothing worse than someone who gives you advice on how to bring up children - grrr,
Hope you get positive news soon re the adoption.
By the way, I totally share those feelings re who to choose as godparents, I have lots of friends who are a different religion, very few who are the same religion and since having miscarriages, my relationship with some potential godparent family members has deteriorated.......

DrSpouse said...

I doubt it's that, Lorna, though I appreciate you're trying to be charitable! If we can cope with staying in their house with them and the baby for a week (which we did last year) I think they'd work out we could cope with a christening. And if it was huge and overwhelming, all the more reason to give us a heads up.
I was in bits last night and Mr Spouse has suggested I email a mutual friend, which I think I will, though not the godmother, as she will probably just feel caught in the middle.

Twangypearl the Elastic Girl said...

Honestly, it seems fairly obvious that the right thing is to invite and accept any refusal in gracious manner. People, grr.

Personally I can't wait to hear about your child's baptism/christening (if you decide to christen him or her, of course, sounds like you will) - what a great day. And, oh! who to invite? ;)