Monday, December 26, 2011

What if...

you post something on your blog about desperately wanting a baby and then people comment "you haven't been waiting that long", is that wrong (for the record, this IS the person I moan about on FB)? Is it more wrong to comment that on the blog, than behind their back (or is it more wrong to do the opposite)?
And, if someone comments that being a parent is not all roses and you don't have a baby for very long, is that also wrong?
And further, if that same someone is told NOT to make unhelpful comments, and then replies that they find it hard to cope with their adult child with learning disabilities, is that also wrong?
A grey area, at best. I know how much those without children hate being told about the bad times, when they don't seem that bad. This sounded bad.  But I have never heard adoption bloggers or posters on forums (even the dreaded Adoption Is Scary forum that I avoid since my "we're matched!" post got zero replies... where all children have serious problems) say that people shouldn't think the grass is greener, and that they  would think again about adopting.
I rarely reply to this person but I am replying now (I guess I now count her as at the stage where she should be complaining!) but I am replying to say more or less what I've said here - it's now that you are actively trying to be a parent that you will get more sympathy, but also that many parents who have difficulties are very glad they chose to parent that particular child, even knowing some of the possible difficulties beforehand.
But I can't help hoping that our future child is as easy as the colleague's baby we met today. Only two pukes on my black dress. Serves me right for wearing that colour. 


Rachel said...

Being a parent can be hard. Really, really hard. And frustrating. But nobody - NOBODY - can tell me it's harder than not having a child when wanting one. I've done both. Wanting to pull your hair out and jump off a bridge because your child is driving you crazy (Which happens. Almost daily now that he's 2.) is still SO MUCH BETTER than wanting to be a parent.

I don't know what it's like to have problems with your adult children, and I often wonder what I will do if that happens, but I hope that I will always cherish the times when he was small.

I think all those comments are rude. One's blog is one's safe space to say what you need to say. You need not be "corrected" about your feelings.

Claudia said...

Yeah - my opinion is that feelings are real, whichever way they fall! Both of those things (wanting and having) can be incredibly hard. The one thing that is harder abiout parenting than waiting is that there's no big hope that the difficulty will one day go away! While waiting, there's the hope that one day the waiting will end and the pain will go away. Whereas my two year olds are never going away! (And I don't want them to, obviously, but it does mean that there's no way to look forward and daydream about a time when things will be different).

Having said all that - whatever we are going through NOW is what we are going through NOW. It really doesn't matter at all what is coming in the future, this is what we need sympathy for NOW. (And actually, my pet hate is people telling childless people that parenting 'isn't all easy'. As if we thought it would be!!! I kept wanting to say - I'm childless, not STUPID).