Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Lesson learned

We have always been told, and other adopters have said, that we need to remember that any information about our child's birth family or background is theirs to decide if they want to share when they are older. I've learned this the hard way this week.

I was updating my mum on the phone calls (two now) that we've had with the expectant mother, and told her some information that I thought was neutral, or even quite positive. Her reaction was extreme, and negative. Now, I know she has buttons, and clearly this pushes one of htem, but they are buttons that normal people would hide, and wouldn't even think to say anything about. I was very offended and hung up on her, and then emailed her to explain the whole "even if you think it's shareable, it isn't" conversation. From now on I will be behaving like the proverbial clam. Sorry if you were hoping for details. But thankfully my mother now has apologised.

We did have a second conversation as I said with N* as I'll call her, which was a little less awkward than the first one, with a couple of confusing pieces of information, and a couple that made other things make more sense (one of which made it seem like, all other things being equal, there is another reason why N is unlikely to be able to parent). One of the confusing pieces of information made more sense when we got another email from the social worker. It wasn't anything that N wanted to be kept private, nor was it something she specifically asked us to tell the social worker, but I'm glad we passed on the information - we have found the social worker a teeny bit brief/rushed on occasion, but it's helpful to know what she's dealing with.

Sorry to be so cryptic here but I think you get why!

*I have just come back to change this, after I realised that of course my former foster son is also A and that I'd referred to him in the very next post. Gah. I'll have to try and remember to keep the pseudonyms straight.

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