Sunday, February 10, 2013

What might have been

nh at Getting There posted about the baby she lost and how hard February is for her.
I was reminded that it is nearly Ash Wednesday, which was the day we found out we'd lost Nigelanddelia. I could work out how old he or she would be but the main thing is that it would be an age at which we'd have long ago been thinking about baby siblings.
Along the way of trying to have a family I've sometimes thought, if we had had this baby, what about that one. It's never been that real, but now we have a real baby. And thinking about not having him seems impossible, completely unthinkable.
So I suppose what I'd really like is to have both of them. But I feel guilty for thinking about not having ever had either of them.


motherissues said...

I am sort of in that space. The teen boys who came before Mara and didn't end up staying with us are on my mind a lot. If we'd adopted one or both of them, we wouldn't have Mara (and Nia) now and I find that basically unimaginable, and yet I love them and wish there would have been a way.... This is another one of those ambiguous losses in adoption, I think.

nh said...

It's tough isn't it? It's not that one would be better than the other; there is no other, but you can't help wondering about the what if's.