that the only reason people go through it more than once is that you forget how awful it was? I think that must be what has happened to me with each miscarriage. I look at myself from the outside, thinking how other people must see me, and I think that I must seem, to them, who have never experienced it, rather like those who have experienced seven, ten, teens of miscarriages appear to me - slightly crazy and slightly obsessed.
I mean this with no disrespect to those who are in this boat - in some ways I find their stories inspirational - but although I know (either personally or online) several people who have decided that they have had enough of trying to get pregnant, either on their own or with medical help, I am not sure I know of anyone who made that decision after recurrent miscarriage. I have read that once you've done three properly regulated IVF cycles your chances start to drop, but there don't seem to be those statistics for recurrent miscarriages.
But I also feel that, with this 4th or possibly 5th miscarriage, that I have entered the big leagues. I had various blogs on my bloglines list of people who had had 2 or 3 miscarriages, but several of them have recently moved to the "parents" section (one through adoption, but most through carefully monitored pregnancies, just like mine was...). I know there are more people out there, some of them who are being seen at our clinic. I am not sure how much lower our chances are now (I'm guessing about 50% per pregnancy). Like I say, I don't know if our chances are now about the same with each pregnancy, or are exponentially dropping.
I'm just trying to carry on carrying on here, watching TV, avoiding having my mother to stay, eating peanut butter candy (Thalia is fantastic, but thank you to the other people who offered, you are also fantastic), buying shoes, weeping in cafés, arguing with Mr. Spouse and then both of us apologising, avoiding pregnant friends and those with babies (managed two yesterday on the 10 minute walk to and from town). Mr. Spouse says he is trying to be happy for them by thinking that he couldn't possibly wish this on them.
2 comments:
I'm pretty sure people looked at me as crazy, stupid, and a number of other things. The only thing I could come up with for myself was...that eventually I would have to fall on the "good" side of statistics rather than the abysmal side. I cried the day I saw the diagnosis of "habitual aborter".
I don't have any great words of wisdom. Just know that you're not nuts. Ultimately what I chose was that my husband and I would keep on trying as long as both of us remembered what we were trying for and that we could support one another when the miscarriages happened.
I can't remember what the chances were... I know when we first went to the RE - we were told we had a "50/50 shot" after the other miscarriages I have no idea if our odds were worse or the same.
I think lots of people look on people who carry on and on as crazy. When you're in it it's different though. I know for me it was only 3 times but I know of (don't know them poersonally) 2 couples who decided 3 was enough and they weren't going to carry on.... and I think they are the ones who are crazy. But maybe that's because statistics worked out for me in the end and it all came out ok. I guess there's no right or wrong. But to carry on isn't crazy.....
PS My word verification now is PEACE. I hope some of that comes your way.
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