Friday, June 29, 2007

The construction of pregnancy

or to be more specific, this last pregnancy.

We always want to give meaning to things, to associate them with what we feel they should be linked to. On a Monday in April we saw our consultant and heard that neither PGD (as we don't have a balanced translocation, and it is flawed anyway) nor PGS (as it is also flawed) would help us. Up until then I had been feeling that although we might have a family, it would not start in our kingsized bed. We then visited the small-but-very-convenient-for-our-London-flat clinic, and they also quite honestly told us they didn't think they could help. It is entirely possible that we then went straight home and conceived Sprout. Either then, or over that weekend.

The previous day, my friend A who was 3 days older than me, and the mother of two under-5s, died. We heard about this on the Sunday and went to her funeral the following Friday, a week before I found out I was pregnant.

I could not help but feel that this last pregnancy was linked to her. At the start I felt that either a) it was her soul coming back [cheesy, I know, and definitely not something I'd normally think) or b) that because she had had a miscarriage previously, it would be her first baby's soul or c) because she had died, this meant the pregnancy was doomed or possibly d) because she had had a successful pregnancy following a miscarriage* then this would be OK.

I didn't think that much about these associations, though obviously a fair bit about A herself, over the weeks of the pregnancy. But now I am thinking about them again. Just thought I'd share that.

In other news, I tried to get an appointment at May's V. Pricey Alternaclinic but they have no spaces for when I am down in London next week, so I will give them a ring after they fail to give me a cancellation, and try to nip down some other time. However, the idea of having a break seems to have gone out of the window. Possibly more on that shortly, but I don't think I'm taking my laptop away with us, so you may have to wait another week.

*In fact, I happen to know they didn't take a break after her nearly-14-week miscarriage and conceived their first daughter immediately.


Thalia said...

Good to hear from you. I thought a lot about things like your feelings about A and her miscarried babies in the early part of this pregnancy, particularly since the timing was so close to the due date from the baby I lost last summer.

I hope you have a good trip, interested to hear more about the clinic when they finally manage to squeeze you in!

littletadpole said...

It's funny how you can jig and rejig premonitions around, isn't it? I hope they can fit you in; alternatively, maybe you can find another good practitioner in London.


geepeemum said...

I did so many of those premonition type things. My 2nd pregnancy was due the day before my 31st birthday and for some reason that seemed hugely significant - that I'd have a baby (as planned) whilst I was 30. Also one pregnancy my LMP was 31 December which also took on significance. Now I remember that I didn't have an implantation bleed in any of my m/c pregnancies but did in both my successful pregnancies - so that'll be a thing I will take forward if we ever give it another go.....
(Btw, i also didn't take a break after our 3rd miscarriage and concieved our daughter almsot immediately. I'm only saying that because sometimes I think there's a fair bit of presssure to take a break and I don't always think it's necessary).

May said...

Condolences on the loss of your friend A. So sad.

How was London? I'm sorry Dr Alternative is booked so solid - my Mum managed to get me an appointment fairly quickly, so I assumed it was get-into-able. Perhaps she got the receptionist in a head-lock.