Friday, March 21, 2014

The post that I do not want to write

My computer seems to be conspiring with me to prevent this, too - and my phone has decided to implode - we've been living with this news all this week and it gets no easier.

Nella decided she had had enough of NA and that she'd find a new new agency.  We think she'd been talking to them for a few days, because all of a sudden we heard that she was moving to them and already had a couple she was working with and no longer wanted to work with us.

That is basically it. We feel like someone has died. Mr Spouse was afraid of saying that it felt like one of the miscarriages - but I felt that way too. "Our" baby will still be out there, though - instead of a notional due date, there will be a real baby that we may never see grow up. We've talked to our social worker about our feelings, as well as about what to do now.

I don't think we can give up hope that she will change her mind (or it is slightly possible that she would be left with no other alternatives if she continues to burn her bridges left, right and centre, now there's a great mixed metaphor!).  It's also entirely possible that the new couple might decide she's too much like hard work.  We have put out some feelers but we aren't really sure which of them would be a mistake, if any.

Our SW had originally worded our PAR (the full form that includes the home study) to say we were approved for a sibling of Baby Spouse.  Her manager pointed out that this should really be just for "a baby" (before this all blew up) so that is changing. It's not going to make much difference to the time taken to approve us here (a 3 week delay to panel), and it's still therefore possible that we would be ready in time should she change her mind.

We have decided for now to go with the "sibling, or other baby, from the US" option but our heart is not in the "or". It will take a bit longer to get ready for the "or" so we have a little time to have a break, a holiday, that kind of thing. We do have other options and we are worried that we might burn our boats on those, though, if we end up waiting too long on this option.

I'm basically in denial at the moment - I have hinted to a couple of people that this might not be happening but there are just too many people to tell, at work etc. etc.

I think that Baby Spouse has worked out something is up, too; he's been very clingy, and his nursery worker said he was looking at the picture they have of us all and saying "Daddy, Daddy" and getting very upset, several times this week (though Mr Spouse was late home a couple of times too, and we've all been very tired).


stevie said...

So sorry. I hope things work out in your favor one way or another.

nutsinmay said...

I'm so sorry. What a mess. Such sadness. Many many hugs.

Twangypearl the Elastic Girl said...

I too am very sorry. It's just such an awful pity. For the Spouse youngster too. Xx

Rachel said...

I am so, so sorry to read about this. How awful for all of you. I am thinking healing thoughts. Love to you and the family.

missohkay said...

I am so sorry. We had a lost referral before E (though obviously very different circumstances than this) and it really did feel like a miscarriage to us. Very complicated to have a sibling of Baby Spouse's out there in the world too. Sending good thoughts to your family and Nella.

Claudia said...

I've just read this - oh, I'm so so sorry.

Persnickety said...

I am so sorry to read this. I hope it all works out, but so sorry you have to go through this.