Friday, October 11, 2013

Loss

If you're a long time reader, or if you've read the crib sheet (see tabs above) you'll know we had at least 4, probably 5 or 6 miscarriages. During our home study, our social worker asked if we were "over" our losses. I'm not sure you ever get "over" losing a child, but we weren't at the time interested in pursuing pregnancy again.  I feel even less inclined to do so now, I realised the other day.  I have an implant (this blog is all about too much information, didn't you know?) and I'll need to renew it early next year.  We'll definitely be doing something, though given my age, it might be that we don't need to.

But that doesn't mean it's all in the past.  A couple of acquaintances have daughters the same age as our first child would have been.  I generally forget this but occasionally they mention something which makes me think of this. 

I know this is supposed to be an adoption post, and I am coming to that.  We will some day need to tell our child(ren) why we don't have birth children. Obviously this will be at an age appropriate level but just like children needing to know that they are adopted, I can't see that we would conceal that we lost babies.  

I feel more apprehensive about this I think, than telling him/them about their reasons for being adopted.  There is some training for telling children that their birth parents couldn't look after them. I've never really discussed with anyone how to tell them that their were children before them that died - and yet it's something that parents will need to tell their birth children too. I've even even told I shouldn't be doing his, but to me, if we're open about adoption, we should be open about other things too.

4 comments:

Fiona Ferguson said...

You and I have a lot in common , I also suffered six miscarriages.The only advice I give is to go with your gut .My girls always knew our real reason for adopting it did not mean we cared any less for them .What it did help with was the whole picture of life , Everybody suffers loss ,some more than others but when your stories entwine you came with a very similar journey of pain .Pain that heals in time but never truly goes away .

Twangypearl the Elastic Girl said...

I am so sorry for those losses, Dr Spouse. What an awful time.

I know they (The Authorities) counsel Age-Appropriate Openness in these cases - but to me HOW you do it is everything. On the other hand, it does make sense to have the child grow up with these realities, so it is part of life.

Rachel said...

I do tell H now that I couldn't grow a baby in my uterus. I suppose I will tell him about our losses someday. I mean, I honestly haven't thought much about it. But my guess it might come up as a question. Not sure how it would come up. It's interesting to think about now that you've brought it up.

H does talk about whether or not he grew in my belly and he's kind of obsessed with death, so maybe it would make sense to bring it up sometime.

missohkay said...

I don't care much about pursuing pregnancy now either. I do wonder how to approach the losses with E when she is old enough, as well as the fact that we were originally matched with another girl before we were matched with her. Tough stuff to work through no matter the age, methinks.