The future

I'm taking a break from my tropical sojourn to talk about the future.

It's kind of hard for me to talk about because I really have no idea what the future will hold and yet I'm in a place where I really want to know.

I do feel confident that, if we don't mess up, Baby Spouse will be a pleasant child who is able to do most things for himself. I think we have dodged various bullets - we know that he does not have a major global delay and we know he does not have frank autism (sorry for sounding bleak but that's with my professional hat on!). 

Beyond that, I have no idea if he'll struggle academically, make friends, go to university, find the fact he's adopted hard, or much really but I think to me the big things (that he is able to know love and to be sociable, and that he is unlikely to need lifelong care) are in place. I think when we set out to adopt, those were the basics we were hoping for.

I'm also hopeful that Baby Spouse will see his birth family and grow to know them. I can't predict which family members this will involve, though I'd bet something it won't be his birth father, which is sad.

But it's really the big things in our lives that I'm not sure about. Will we carry on doing the same jobs (I'd say probably for Mr Spouse, maybe not for me)? How much longer will we both work (it's more likely that Mr Spouse would retire early than that I'd give up working entirely)?  Will we adopt again? (currently under discussion still, with the gender division falling along fairly predictable lines, though Mr Spouse seems to be coping OK while I'm away, which doesn't bode too badly, though there has been a development also which could go either way - we'll see).

Loss

If you're a long time reader, or if you've read the crib sheet (see tabs above) you'll know we had at least 4, probably 5 or 6 miscarriages. During our home study, our social worker asked if we were "over" our losses. I'm not sure you ever get "over" losing a child, but we weren't at the time interested in pursuing pregnancy again.  I feel even less inclined to do so now, I realised the other day.  I have an implant (this blog is all about too much information, didn't you know?) and I'll need to renew it early next year.  We'll definitely be doing something, though given my age, it might be that we don't need to.

But that doesn't mean it's all in the past.  A couple of acquaintances have daughters the same age as our first child would have been.  I generally forget this but occasionally they mention something which makes me think of this. 

I know this is supposed to be an adoption post, and I am coming to that.  We will some day need to tell our child(ren) why we don't have birth children. Obviously this will be at an age appropriate level but just like children needing to know that they are adopted, I can't see that we would conceal that we lost babies.  

I feel more apprehensive about this I think, than telling him/them about their reasons for being adopted.  There is some training for telling children that their birth parents couldn't look after them. I've never really discussed with anyone how to tell them that their were children before them that died - and yet it's something that parents will need to tell their birth children too. I've even even told I shouldn't be doing his, but to me, if we're open about adoption, we should be open about other things too.

Where was I?

Oh yes, moaning about childcare again.

Well, things seem to have settled down a bit.  Baby Spouse has had a couple of days at his new childminder (for one of which I wasn't at work - I did manage some sewing but mainly caught up on the washing. Sad, I know).  Although I wouldn't say work are being supportive, they have stopped being actively obstructive.  

I've got one more week in the office and then I'm heading off to one of the tropical destinations that used to be my regular haunts (yes, it's for work, and the work itself mainly involves sitting in poorly air conditioned offices trying to get ancient computers and even more ancient internet to work, bumping round picturesque, impoverished villages in a Jeep, and trying not to offend lovely parents whose culture I don't know enough about while visiting their homes, and frighten children ditto). I'm leaving Mr Spouse in charge of Baby Spouse, in conjunction with Lovely Babysitter.

To say this is a military undertaking timed to the last second would be the understatement of the year. We have days when the Lovely Babysitter can drop him off, days when she can pick him up, and days when she can do both. As Mr Spouse works a distance away, this is helpful. We have one day when he will need to do both, and will be in work for about 4 hours. We have one day (thankfully just one) when LB will be putting him to bed.  LB will be a lot richer at the end of this, I can tell you.

I have a feeling this might be make or break with Mr Spouse's estimation of his ability to cope with one child, and therefore two.  I'm hoping it's not the second.

And me? I'm buying insect repellant, malaria tablets, and looking at the website for the hotel I'm going to be staying in.  It looks quite relaxing. Does it make it any better when I tell you it will take 24h to get there? And that I'll be very jetlagged?