Sunday, April 08, 2012

Brain dump

We saw my mother-in-law yesterday. Mr Spouse was pleased that she was actually awake briefly, though she is very seriously ill and they have stopped treatment, he had not seen her awake on any of his previous visits, even when she was not as unwell and was fairly responsive a lot of the time. I was also pleased we were able to take Baby Spouse as she's in a private room now.  We are sad, and I hate that I am also resentful of the time this takes away from us as a family. Mr Spouse has already been spending ridiculous amounts of time on his work for his Masters, and this (and I know how this sounds) is just the last straw. Uncertainty.

We are due to go down to London on Monday (visitors will be received) and thence to European Capital where my mother has booked an apartment for us and my brother's family.  Being my mother, when she got an email saying "it is possible your booking for this apartment was hacked" and we said "ring the person you are getting the keys from" she refuses to do so. Being my family, my brother was supposed to be transferring the money in Euros but we are not sure if he's actually sent the balance. So we may be in London all next week, we may make a mercy dash back up north, or we may get to go on Eurostar and annoy the business travellers (OK, we aren't in business class). More uncertainty.

There is a major, and I mean major, issue with Nice Little Agency. I don't think any of my readers will have received details of this, but we will lose some money (not too much thankfully) and we may need extra legal work done for finalisation, and/or extra social worker time for post-placement reports, and we aren't sure what will happen about that, we aren't even sure if some of our paperwork may disappear. We think the worst that could happen is that we have to redo one report and shell out again for some others to be filed, but we really aren't sure. In some ways we have been lucky in this as if it had happened while we were in country, or before Baby Spouse was born, we'd be in much bigger trouble. But more uncertainty. 

Although the MIL issue is ongoing, the other two issues came up over the same couple of days and I've been feeling very out of sorts anyway.

I want something. I do not know what it is I want. OK, I'd like more sleep, but that's up and down, and some days are pretty good, and though Baby Spouse is probably having "a bit of a grow" as Mr Spouse says, and therefore not sleeping as well, it's not too desperate.  We had friends staying, and they basically brought the contents of their loft for us. Except it's not all there is - but our house is now the one that is overflowing. Our social worker thinks we have lots of clutter but we actually have just the right amount of clutter, and more makes me anxious.  

Not exercising also makes me anxious.  I have had a couple of days when I have felt awake enough, and had someone else to mind the baby, and I could have been for a run. These days don't come often. But I don't want to run (rare for me). I'm not sure if I'm too tired underneath, or bored of my route (some of my older varied routes are now too long for me, and I feel oddly anxious about going one direction because you have to run past people, so I've been going only along one out-and-back route).  And running is the best way I've found to keep my weight down, I'm hopelessly bad at dieting (to the point where I don't believe in it), plus it's the only realistic 30-40 minute door-to-door exercise option. 

But I want something else. It may be I want to do some other form of exercise. It may be I want a regular mummy meet up (except those are anxiety-provoking too - I bit my tongue through a round of birth stories the other day). It may be that just having Mr Spouse to ourselves with no mercy dashes and no coursework will be what I need. I feel sad and out of sorts, and it IS partly intermittent tiredness, and it is partly the MIL sadness, but that's not all.   

7 comments:

Rachel said...

Keep going to the new mom groups. Enduring all the birth stories and breast feeding issues is worth it in the end.

Sounds awful about the paperwork. Hope it can work out pretty smoothly.

Sorry about MIL.

Tough stuff.

Bernardeena said...

No great advice, but I didn't want to read and run. I am sorry about your MIL and I hope everything else sorts itself out and improves.

Claudia said...

I had the same feelings about mum groups. I hated getting blindsided by an epidural story just when I was starting to relax, you know? But now, the women in the group I went to are some of my closest friends (one, in particular) and the novelty of the whole popping-a-baby-out-of-their-vagina-thing has totally worn off and it's now a total non-issue. It is hard, though.

I'm sorry that things feel so tough. I think there's an odd 'hang on, is this it?' feeling after having waited for so long to be a mother. Hey, sometimes that stil hits me! I hope you're feeling a bit better this week xx

DrSpouse said...

I have not been back to the mummy groups in the last week or so (holiday time) but I think I feel like a fraud not just because I didn't give birth, but also because they don't know that. I am guessing this would have been more the case with Rachel than Claudia, though of course people could also assume Claudia's two are her bio kids I suppose!

Twangypearl the Elastic Girl said...

Yes! Exercise is the only thing that works for me, too. I find it massively mood-improving. Maybe you could jump on a bus (if such a thing is possible) and do the run home?

This sounds a unsettled sort of time in your life. Digits crossed that things will resolve in timely fashion and you can be at ease.

thefamilyof5 said...

do you not have any local adoption groups you could attend? perhaps your LA could advise what post adoption support they can offer x

DrSpouse said...

Hi, Family of 5, hopefully you've got enough of the picture to realise we are very unusual in UK adopters - no-one else will be in our position - so I'm not sure how helpful the adoption support groups will be.

We have now been told these are run by our VA (we weren't approved by an LA as it's a VA that does overseas adoption approval in our area). They might be good in the distant future, but they aren't going to be much help to someone with a baby of Baby S's age unfortunately.