Thursday, October 18, 2007

Stuck

I have been feeling a little stuck recently - possibly because we are having an enforced break for a month (maybe two), but this has been highlighted by lovely news from three adoption blogs - jennyanydots has been linked with a child and has started visiting Mothercare; and both Jonathan at Life and Times * and Vivien at Getting off the Rollercoaster have been approved to adopt. Meanwhile we haven't been able to sign up for this month's foster carer preparation course as it extends into our overseas trip, and there is so much uncertainty at work. And I feel bad to compare people who have been through such a lot, to where I am now, but can't help feeling perhaps we should have chosen not to keep trying, and we might be there ourselves now.

This might involve longer periods overseas, which would be lovely but which would mean no adoption process for at least two years, or it might mean a move within the UK next year, but moving to a different area could make things harder or easier. We just don't know. If we do go overseas, we might get trained as foster carers and do some caring before we go, or we might not have time. And other things that I would like to do and in fact have told people I will do - like starting a new Brownie group - are having to be on hold, and I can't tell people why, exactly the same as when I was pregnant in the spring.

My mother and one of my many aunts were visiting at the weekend and we were looking at our wedding photos. We saw my grandfather (father of this aunt, but not my mother) and his wife (stepmother that this aunt grew up with) as well as my father-in-law and my friend A, all of whom have died since then, two of them somewhat (in A's case very) before their time. I also saw all the babies and two or three pregnant ladies and remembered that at the time I thought "it will be my turn next". I felt sad. I said it was because of A - and of course, it was, but also for other reasons.

And of course now there are the usual large number of large pregnant ladies around, only now I know that's what I would have been like now, which I am finding Hard. I actually don't feel as sad as I did around this stage two years ago, before my first due date, and although this sounds like I am feeling really negative at the moment, in fact I am surprisingly OK - I am, for a wonder, throwing myself into my work (ignore the timestamp on this... I have almost got my October list of things to do, done, so am giving myself a break) hence lack of commenting on other people's blogs.

We are discussing what to do for Christmas, when I would have been imminently due - my preference is somewhere far, far away or at least private - my due date was Dec 30th officially so I am hoping that concentrating on that particular date will help me get through Christmas, and will mean I can cope with family in the New Year when people seem to be planning a get-together, with my insensitive brother, very busy sister-in-law and noisy nieces.

*blog very general and mainly about software - but there are so few UK adoption blogs, even including the few overseas adoption blogs, that I feel I need to read them all.

3 comments:

Geohde said...

I find it very hard to be around pregnant women. Especially the obnoxious type that deny they can do ANYTHING because they're PREGNANT. Was a cup? No pregnant. Urgh.

Although I concede that perhaps I'm oversensitive.

Geohde said...

wash...

not was

May said...

Ah, stuckness, uncertainty, and sorrow. You poor thing. And I think going away somewhere quiet and peaceful for Christmas is an excellent idea. Family mean well, boless them, but DAMN but they can rub things in.

I hope things resolve quickly, so at least you can have a plan. I like plans. Plans are good.

Big hug