Sunday, April 30, 2006

That seems to be that...

I bled much worse yesterday, and in fact my breasts were much less sore and swollen even when I woke up yesterday. A load of clots last night, and that seems to be it, it has eased off now. I am very tired and pretty numb, but not in floods of tears or anything. I've been taking my mind off it by knitting a little dress for my new niece who, ironically, arrived on Monday. I had already been making something for her older sister, and while I was making that, I had the audacity to think perhaps they could pass it back to our children when they are done.

My new niece has been given my mother's middle name as her first name. I like the name (although my mother normally doesn't own up to it, and is cross that she will have to now), as well as my mother's first name, and the combination was her maternal grandmother's name too. I had always thought I'd give my daughter the pair of names. I am grateful to my brother - though I doubt it was conscious - that he has not taken her first name for his own daughter. There may be a gap but there won't be another cousin with her name.

I dithered on Friday afternoon about ringing the consultant's secretary, for too long, so they were closed. The options on Saturday were then A&E, the GP out of hours service, or the ward where I had the other miscarriage. I rang the ward in the end, and I was glad I had - they told me I could come in if the bleeding or the pain were too bad to cope with, but need not do so if I didn't want to, and should make an appointment with my GP next week, and he would organise a scan. I don't think I want a scan unless they deem it medically necessary as I am sure it's all over, and the lack of a sac just means it was too early for one, not that I haven't got rid of all the material that was there.

What now? Well, it's our anniversary tomorrow, ironically. We have a hotel booked, so I may as well feel tired and miserable there, then Mr Spouse is off for a couple of days for work, and both the hotel and his work are near my mother's (they are also near Big Scary Department where I was supposed to be giving a talk on Tuesday), so I'll go there for a bit of TLC. Then I guess, working out who to tell about this (and who to tell there may have been a third, also), getting a referral to an official miscarriage clinic, and working out if there is much point in trying to get pregnant again.


Thalia said...

Katie, don't give up. This is really sad and really horrible, but it doesn't mean it will never be ok. Thinking of you.

DD said...

I know how it hurts to see the names you picture for your own potential family be given to someone else and your heart and head start playing emotional chess.

It sucks that any woman has to have X number of losses before they start looking at medical reasons, but I hope that it not only gives you some answers, but hope as well.

perceval said...

We are still thinking of and praying for you here. This is a horrible rollercoaster.

As for kids' names: When Ruth announced herself, we suddenly ditched the names we'd chosen all along (Elizabeth for a girl and Gabriel for a boy). With the child (adopted, IVF, home made) will come the name.

Pamplemousse said...

Sorry to hear your sad news, Katie.