That seems to be that...

I bled much worse yesterday, and in fact my breasts were much less sore and swollen even when I woke up yesterday. A load of clots last night, and that seems to be it, it has eased off now. I am very tired and pretty numb, but not in floods of tears or anything. I've been taking my mind off it by knitting a little dress for my new niece who, ironically, arrived on Monday. I had already been making something for her older sister, and while I was making that, I had the audacity to think perhaps they could pass it back to our children when they are done.

My new niece has been given my mother's middle name as her first name. I like the name (although my mother normally doesn't own up to it, and is cross that she will have to now), as well as my mother's first name, and the combination was her maternal grandmother's name too. I had always thought I'd give my daughter the pair of names. I am grateful to my brother - though I doubt it was conscious - that he has not taken her first name for his own daughter. There may be a gap but there won't be another cousin with her name.

I dithered on Friday afternoon about ringing the consultant's secretary, for too long, so they were closed. The options on Saturday were then A&E, the GP out of hours service, or the ward where I had the other miscarriage. I rang the ward in the end, and I was glad I had - they told me I could come in if the bleeding or the pain were too bad to cope with, but need not do so if I didn't want to, and should make an appointment with my GP next week, and he would organise a scan. I don't think I want a scan unless they deem it medically necessary as I am sure it's all over, and the lack of a sac just means it was too early for one, not that I haven't got rid of all the material that was there.

What now? Well, it's our anniversary tomorrow, ironically. We have a hotel booked, so I may as well feel tired and miserable there, then Mr Spouse is off for a couple of days for work, and both the hotel and his work are near my mother's (they are also near Big Scary Department where I was supposed to be giving a talk on Tuesday), so I'll go there for a bit of TLC. Then I guess, working out who to tell about this (and who to tell there may have been a third, also), getting a referral to an official miscarriage clinic, and working out if there is much point in trying to get pregnant again.

Not good

I've started bleeding - not enough yet that I'm sure everything's gone, but it certainly isn't getting better, and it seems to be getting worse. I came home from work a couple of hours ago, and had to stop and get some pads on the way home. I also have dull, general aches rather than the twinges that I've had up till now.

I think I am going to go and lie down and feel sad now. We are supposed to be going away for the weekend, as it's our anniversary, so I don't know if that will happen either.

Hurrah for the busy woman!

When I was in hospital having my lap and dye, the nurses were commenting on the gynae, and I think someone made the classic comment "if you want something done, ask a busy woman". So, rather than going to my fairly-sympathetic-but-hardly-any-clinics-and-doesn't-see-the-point-of- early-scans-you-could-lose-it-after-the-scan-anyway male GP, I decided to entrust my anxiety to the gynae's secretary, who rang me back (on my mobile, while I was having lunch with a friend who only knows there have been "hospital appointments" and "an operation", so I'm glad she didn't want any more details over the phone). And I'm going to have a scan in 2 weeks' time. 7 weeks is probably good as I know you can sometimes see a heartbeat at 6, but not seeing one then is not bad. I may have to go on my own, I have just realised - Mr Spouse will be away a couple of days that week. Hmm. Perhaps his boss can be persuaded he doesn't need him on that trip. What if I went and there was no heartbeat and I was on my own? What if I went and saw a heartbeat on my own and then next time there wasn't one and he never got to see it? But I don't think he'll want to go to bi-weekly scans, if I have them, to be honest... Dilemma.

Limboville

I have stopped feeling very scared every moment of the day, although knicker-watch continues, I have not had to run out in the middle of anything in the last couple of days, and I actually slept well the last two nights. But I still feel low-level scared with bursts of petrified.

I can see that I've had a fair few visitors in the last couple of days but I think people may be holding off on commenting - partly because one person always seems to have good news as another has bad news. But I also know that, if someone else in my situation found themselves unexpectedly pregnant, I would feel jealous of their happiness. But I don't feel happy at the moment - just scared.

The acupuncturist did treat me, and explained what she wasn't doing because I was pregnant. She also told me to eat a better breakfast (yes, mum - although kedgeree was mentioned- bleugh) and not to drink coffee at all. A quick Google actually scared me into going to half caf this morning, as the strength I normally drink it, even one cup could be too much.

Now we have to decide what to do about the IVF and adoption open evenings we have booked for next month - the adoption one is a bit easier as they don't book up so we can just go to the next one, and they will see you for a chat at other times. But the IVF one is booked months in advance normally so it's harder to know what to do about that one. Of course, I could have miscarried before it, but it's unlikely I'll have had a scan.

Nothing really...

Another very faint positive. I would have thought it would be stronger today, and it was supposed to be a more sensitive test, but then it was a cheapo one I got off the internet for £1. Someone else I know on the web bought these and got about 10 negatives and then a positive with a digital test, if you can believe anything so ridiculous. If there are no further developments I might buy a better one at the end of the week...

But living in a small town leads to dilemmas here (hence buying them from the internet, or from Waterloo). I can't buy them from the chemist where I've promised to pick up Mr Spouse's prescription some day this week, it being right by my bus stop, as someone from choir works there. And obviously I can't buy them from the student shop at work as ANYONE might see me. Plus I think they have them behind the counter and you have to ask for them. Bet they don't sell many, what do you think?

I am a statistic

Apparently, according to that very reliable source The Internet, 30% of couples with unexplained infertility become pregnant within three months of a lap and dye. I think I’ve just landed in the 30%.

I’m really scared as I type these words that it will turn out to be a false alarm, chemical pregnancy, or whatever you want to call it. I thought my period was due on Thursday or Friday but last month’s bleed was weird and took ages to start, and I may have ovulated two weeks ago today (except I didn’t use the ovulation thingy according to the instructions, so who knows?) which would make it due today. But on Friday I got a “maybe evaporation line, maybe positive” and on Sunday a “faint but it’s really there and it appeared quickly, even if the outline isn’t that clear”, with some not very sensitive cheapo tests picked up at Boots at Waterloo when Mr. Spouse wasn’t looking (naughty Dr. Spouse). We've jut been to various far places on the train, which is why Waterloo.

So I suspect that it was actually due Friday or Saturday as I don’t think I’d get a positive with that test before it was due. I am, of course, on constant knicker-watch and will probably continue to be so for the next week or two. Who am I kidding? The next month or, hopefully, eight and a half. I have cramps (had them last time, but of course also just before periods) and weird pains in my groin (very like ones I get just before a period, but they’ve been going on for about five days, so I can only assume it’s stretching or something).

As I say, I’m really scared it will be a “chem”, but I think that even if I bled tonight I would push it to be recognised as my third miscarriage, even though this hasn’t made 5 weeks yet, and neither did the second. But if I don’t, I’ll try again with a more sensitive test in the morning, to see if I can get a stronger line.

I am currently trying really hard not to hope for the best, but definitely fearing the worst. I think the worst would probably be finding out the pregnancy was not viable after weeks and weeks. No, actually, the worst would probably be an ectopic, but never having had one before I am at least realistic in working out my chances of that are very low (about 1% I believe). Losing a pregnancy, and being worse off reproductively than before it, would be awful. I think losing the pregnancy late would then be a greater fear than losing it early; but not too early, as otherwise it won’t get taken seriously in treatment. I can’t possibly think ahead to anything else, except maybe seeing my GP maybe next week if maybe possibly just maybe I get that far. OK, I’m lying. I have thought about wangling, or paying for, an early ultrasound in a couple of weeks’ time. How can I be so confident it will even last beyond tomorrow??! How can I get some sleep??

Ironically, I had just booked an acupuncture appointment which is supposed to be tomorrow. I’m not sure whether to cancel, in which case I’d probably have to pay anyway, or go along and have a chat and pay, booking one for a couple of weeks’ time when apparently it’s safe (or we will be trying again, anyway).

Although I hardly ever do this, I am also doing a lot of very, very focussed praying…

Men and miscarriage

I was reminded by yesterday's post to put up a link to a very helpful page written by the Miscarriage Association:

Men and Miscarriage

Deja vu, part 2

I got an email from a friend yesterday:

I have just been told that the pregnancy we had is going to end (at around 11 weeks).

We went for an ultrasound, but though the sac was clearly visible, there was no sign of a baby. So I guess in a way, the pregnancy has already ended. I haven't had any bleeding or any pain, yet. The obstetrician was jolly nice and said we could choose whether to have expectant management - just waiting - medical management - medicine to make you have a miscarriage - or a D and C under anaesthetic.

More or less exactly what happened with us. But I actually felt OK about it - I forwarded it to Mr Spouse and he said he was having flashbacks and remembering how sad he was. I think I just felt happy to be able to help, and also I suppose happy that it wasn't happening to me just now.

He reminded me also to ask about my friend's husband and how he was doing; so many people rang him after our miscarriage and asked "How is she?", forgetting it was his baby too.