Comment on another comment

So as not to carry on another discussion in the comments section at Henry Street - I know Rachel doesn't really want to have more discussion on this...

The premise of the Primal Wound is, as I understand it, that separation from the birth mother is intrinsically traumatic, whatever age it happens at.

All the evidence from studies of child development is that it is not particularly traumatic for children to be separated from their main caregiver when this happens early enough - before they have time to form an attachment. Leaving unsubstantiated theory aside, attachment occurs at around 6-9 months of age. Before this age, babies view caregivers relatively equally - carers that are more sensitive to their needs are preferred, but babies do not seem to experience a feeling of loss when the caregivers leave, either temporarily or permanently, so long as another sensitive caregiver is present. This makes sense in evolutionary terms (according to attachment theorists) because even in relatively recent evolutionary history infants might well lose their mothers at or around birth. In most societies in the world, infants are cared for by many caregivers in the first year of life - in some an older child or grandmother is the main caregiver right from the start - and major psychological trauma isn't exactly prevalent everywhere that infants are cared for in this way.

Of course adoption can be handled badly, and can also occur after infants have had time to attach to their mothers or primary caregivers. But as many have commented (see emory2001's eloquent review on Amazon), things can turn out badly in birth families too. Adoption can be bad. It can lead to trauma. Overly high expectations, not explaining adoption, making children think they were not loved, having them live in fear of being given away again, negative portrayals of birth parents or lack of contact or information that the child is ready for - obviously these are all bad, and are likely to occur only when children are adopted - though very similar things occur following acrimonious divorces with sole custody by an aggrieved parent. Also bad is telling a child they are the ultimate in an amazing genetic line, that the first-born always has to be a doctor, that they need to carry on the family line. These are only going to occur in biologically related families.

I don't believe it's the trauma of separation at birth that causes problems in adoptive families. Adoption is a special situation, in that it is unusual (in many societies children are not raised by both their biological parents, but it is usually either a step-parent plus one biological parent, or a biological relative). It therefore needs special handling, and only special parents can really do it. But you'll find that academic researchers (those who publish in peer-reviewed journals - not those who publish non-academic books) do not agree that change of caregiver at birth is intrinsically traumatic. See, for example, if you are into that kind of thing, Adoption Losses: Naturally Occurring or Socially Constructed IG Leon - Child Development, 2002, from which I quote:

"Mainstream adoption researchers and specialists(Brinich, 1980; Brodzinsky et al., 1992; Nickman, 1985) do not believe that infant adoption constitutes
an immediate loss at placement that inevitably disrupts early attachments."

and

"No empirical evidence documents the formation of attachment prepartum or immediately postpartum. Although selective responsiveness to early, familiar stimuli may begin at birth (Schechter, 2000), regarding this selective responsiveness as the continuation of a prenatal attachment by the newborn violates empirical data documenting attachments that have been formed not due to consanguinity or prepartum experience, but via repeated, mutual interactions of nurturance provided by caregiver to infant during the first months of life (Bowlby, 1969; Karan, 1994)"

Feel free to comment here - I don't tend to respond to comments, laziness I think really, but unless the discussion gets nasty I'll be leaving it open.

(And Tues 23rd's IComLeavWe comments are at:
Barren Albion (cheating really as she's not on the list and I spend loads of time at her blog anyway!)
Creating New Life
The Binky Diaries
Mrs Spock

Returned a comment made on the 23rd by Elusive BFP
(That was actually returned on the 24th and I don't think I made 5 comments on the 23rd - slacker! But to be fair all my comments on the 23rd were either non-ICLW people, or were returns of my comments, or don't have a link to their blog!)

Family group

We decided to explore on Saturday by taking a walk with a Sierra Club local chapter. We don't have an exact equivalent in the UK but the Ramblers are close. I had been in contact somehow with the Sierra Club before (to be honest, I don't think I ever went on any walks with them - I wonder if a friend was a member or something) and my impression was they were younger and more environmentally active than the Ramblers. Their list of local walks is quite similar though - some that are very much too long and hilly for us, and some that are weekday daytime, implying they have some retired and very active members.

This was a 3-mile stroll through some local canyons, though, followed by a short history tour - perfect. Except when we got there we found it was actually a walk of the Singles group! So, not exactly appropriate for this married couple. We were even asked (jokingly, we hope) to tell people if anyone there was married "to avoid misunderstandings". Though not having immediately and publicly come out as married may not be the only reason someone asked Mr Spouse if I was his daughter. I suppose I should be flattered I look young... But normally people say he looks young too.

The local Sierra Club chapter has a "20s-30s singles" group and this, more general, singles group. I suspect the 20s-30s is stretched a bit, unless there are actually no members at all in their 40s, as I was by far the youngest person in this particular group. Then it has a family group. I am not entirely sure if there are walks that are not associated with a particular sub-group. It seems that once one is married or attached, particularly if one is in ones 40s, one is supposed to have a family. Unless their definition of "family" means "partner and self", this means one is supposed to have children.

I am wondering, however, if the family group might not suit us anyway. Less likely to be walking really far, more likely to be walking at weekends, and more likely to be our age(s). If I were single I might try and muscle in on the 20s-30s group and if it were just Mr Spouse I think they'd probably think he was weird if he wanted to go to the family group, but a childless couple might be welcome. But I'm not completely sure about that - when I was in my 30s and Mr Spouse was in his 40s we were told we couldn't go to the (non-singles) 20s/30s Ramblers group locally because he was too old. Although people's kids (under 20) were allowed...

Edited to add: IComLeavWe comments for 22nd September at:

Stirrup Queens
Off my Mind but From my Heart
Maybe I Will have a Glass
Not the Path I Chose
Get Pregnant

Return comment:
Loving Thee... And more

News from the trenches

The problem with this IComLeaveWe is that I'm going to actually have to write some posts for people to comment on, aren't I?

Annoying holiday couple aka Mr Spouse's best man and wife are due to have their (very much waited for and conceived without intervention but after many many investigations) baby in four weeks' time. Mrs AHC is on maternity leave already but this is partly as she had a secondment from work in a different town which just ended so there seemed little point in going back to the regular job. Apparently the baby "is already 6lb 7" so they think "it's going to come early". No, dear, it's going to come at about 42w and is going to be 10lb. Am I allowed to tell her that? And that labour will be horrendous?

S & J aka my best woman and husband also have happy news - they should be 9w pregnant by now from a 2nd FET following a failed ICSI and an early miscarraige - well, last weekend they were 8w and they had seen the heartbeat at 6w so, given they don't have my horrendous history, I'm confident things will be well for them.

So I can think of a couple more things to say but I'll eke them out into another post, I think, so I have more for people to comment on!

Edited to add the 21st September IComLeavWe comment spots, really so I can remember myself!
I heart internet
Reservado para futura mama which gets my vote as cutest title
Life After Infertility and Loss
The Not So Secret Life of Us (I wonder if I'm the only one who used to be addicted to that TV series?)
Something to Blog About

And my return-comment was to
Mom of One For Now

A comment on a comment

This was going to get quite long to be a reply to a comment on someone else's post so I decided to make my own new post replying to a comment by Michelle on a post over at Henry Street.

Michelle says "What's interesting is how people try to conceive a child naturally, can't, then choose the adoption route."

I know that this is true for many families, that biological conception the "regular" way is their first choice, then adoption is only considered after at least that one option has been exhausted. Some will never even seek a diagnosis or investigations for infertility before going for adoption, although they will have tried to give birth but will not. Some, however, do choose adoption first - some are single parents, some are same-sex couples, some feel a very strong desire to adopt (and some of these go through foster care adoption, though some feel a really strong desire to adopt from a specific overseas country, or to go through domestic adoption), and some do have one or more biological children and have no infertility issues but feel that adoption is right to complete their family. Since adoption is about the child not the parents then there is a significant minority of parents who feel that bringing a new child into the world, rather than giving a home to a child who needs one, is not right for them.

But even looking at just heterosexual couples who have experienced fertility issues, the main reason I feel why people first try to conceive and then decide to adopt is that adoption is relatively speaking, extremely rare. Adults of my generation will know adopted peers but I know very few families who have adopted - and some of them I only know because we're investigating adoption. Some couples may have a strong bias towards genetic children - some though may even feel they don't want to have genetic children because of an inherited disease or because pregnancy presents a very specific health risk to the female partner. But finding families who have adopted, and adoption being a normal part of life, is just not where we are in the West, so it's not on many people's radar.

And it's also, completely rightly so, very hard to do. Adoption is about finding a family for a child who needs one - perhaps reproduction should be harder for most people, but good luck to anyone who tries to legislate that.

My take is that people go with the easiest option that they know most about (the one involving two adults who love each other very much...) and then if that fails, they move to an option that's acceptable for them and accessible to them. IVF, for example, is not acceptable to everyone, and not accessible to some either - I think more couples in the UK skip IVF as paying for medical care is not possible, or even on the radar, for a lot of people, and not everyone can get it paid for, while foster care adoption is free. People who choose adoption early, or even first, are often those who know about it first hand, from their extended family.

I have even heard about families who've been asked why they didn't consider IVF or some other form of ART if they are adopting - and some odd attitudes from social workers for couples who choose adoption either as their first choice or if they are not infertile (e.g. to add to or complete a family).

Sorry to harp on...

AKA why do I do this to myself?

Another conversation with another clueless health insurance employee - they lost my previous backup application, and now if they take me on the backup plan it might not be till November?? NOVEMBER! I'm seeing my nice doctor friend tonight to hopefully she'll talk me down.

So just browsing other blogs this morning, came across this. I am a regular reader of this blog, no idea why, except that there are often educational toys and children's literature on, which are kind of relevant to work, or perhaps it's that I'm a masochist. Anyway the little changing table has a little Snowy on it and we have one because Mr Spouse is obsessed (and we had to leave him - Snowy, that is, not Mr Spouse - in England). And I want a changing table to put Snowy on.

HOW much?

My GP's surgery in the UK wants £98 to write a letter about my medical history. Nearly $200. In advance, natch. If I was sure this would get me on to the plan I originally applied for, it would be worth it, as the secondary plan is about $200 per month more than the original plan. The benefits are similar (I'd rather have Better Plan from Other Company which is the same as the secondary plan in price but more extensive in coverage, but doubt I'd be accepted for that if I wasn't accepted for First Plan).

The receptionist was really snooty in her email, too, basically telling me there was no point in bothering (how does she know? has she tried?).

Denied...

Last night I got a notification that my application for health insurance was declined - with one of the only HMOs that will take me and Mr. Spouse - at least officially, though we may be able to persuade one of the others that he actually has an SSN when he doesn't really. I genuinely thought I would be OK as the only things I had to answer "yes, in the last five years" to on the application were about "female reproductive disorders or painful menstrual periods" and "other". There's no specific question about pregnancy or complications and I didn't think they could deny coverage based just on that question - I thought they'd ask for more information - and the "other" is migraines every second month, approx*.

But apparently these are both problems - and so is my BMI of just over 28 now (this is after losing 35lb which, again, there was no space to elaborate). I may get HIPAA coverage (switch off now if you are lucky enough not to care) as government coverage, even non-US government coverage, counts for this. But I was really, really upset and I'm not entirely sure why. I think it is because I strongly feel the need for a sympathetic, continuous medical presence in my life, even if it's just to go and be told "yes, you have a nasty rash, go away and put calamine lotion on it", or similar, every couple of months. The thing about recurrent miscarriage is that sympathetic continuous medical care is the only treatment, and this probably being due to the placebo effect makes no difference to its effectiveness. The placebo effect still works if you know it's a placebo. And I'm being denied even the placebo.

I'm not entirely sure if this is a serious, unappealable refusal, or if it's routine just to refuse in order to stall, and they expect everyone to come forward with medical evidence and then they'll accept most people. I'm going to try, anyway, and we'll apply to the second insurance company in the hopes they won't notice the lack of SSN.

*Thanks to whoever suggested acupuncture, I've tried it and it improved them but didn't get rid of them entirely.

Different

Just before setting off for SoCal I remembered that we had not yet given our Christmas donation to the Miscarriage Association - a substitute for Christmas cards, and in some ways a way of coming out to some family and friends who did not know what we'd been through. Oops. So I quickly logged on and sorted that out. I noticed they had a few leaflets on their site that hadn't been there before. One is called "When the trying stops" and I found it quite affecting.

Some couples' stories included fostering or adoption and some deciding to live without children. One sentence struck me - "some couples choose to move house". Although we have not moved permanently, and I don't necessarily feel either that we bought a big house to put children in it, nor that we have now moved to a house which is a "couple" house, I think I'm really appreciating the change of scene. It's partly the weather (we've had a not-so-great summer in the UK, and we're in a lovely coastal location here with nice but not too hot weather), and partly the feeling that I'm still on holiday (we've been here less than a week, and it's Labor Day today so I'm not in the office, and we went to a family wedding yesterday).

But I think it is the sense of a fresh start, that we are here for long enough to make a decent go of settling in, the release from (some) obligations. I definitely still feel even more petrified than normal of being pregnant, worried about healthcare, but I also feel somewhat free. It's a bit drastic, but a move of a few thousand miles with 5 suitcases between two of you is to be recommended.

I guess I'll have to get used to this...

OK, this is not really on topic, but it's one of those culture clash things that amused me. Probably TMI but I think you're all used to that, now, aren't you?

We arrived in our new, more Californian home on Tuesday and spent yesterday settling in. I decided I needed a quick leg wax before going to a wedding on Sunday so tried to book in with a salon round the corner. The beautician didn't have any spots on Saturday morning so squeezed me in there and then. I normally have only the bottom half of my legs done - I am not a very hairy lady, I am quite fair, and the hair doesn't grow fast either.

So normally I have great (in a relative sense of the word) waxing experiences. The beauticians say how easy it is to get the hair out, when I tell them it's been 6 weeks they say "ooh, it seems quite light for that long" and this started off the same. I get a few ingrown hairs and she complained about them, but that's common.

Then, however, she started about the top half of my legs. Apart from at the swimming pool, only I and Mr Spouse ever see these. I pointed out that I don't wear short shorts. "Oh, what about your husband?" she said. "Well, he doesn't mind" "But remember you are a woman!" I refrained from saying "and women have hairy legs..." I thought she might as well do the small patches on the backs of my thighs - I have had them done occasionally.

But then as I was getting ready to go she suggested "when you are ready for a partial bikini wax, just call me". Now this is something I've stayed far, far away from - the pain, the associations, just the whole idea. Ewwwww.

I think what got me was although you might get a beautician in the UK who would mention additional services they would be much more subtle about it ("ooh, shall I just do those bits as well?" "have you ever had a bikini wax") - I'm not sure if this woman was just more up front than I'm used to, or if her other customers would find her rude too.

My legs are pretty smooth, though!

OK, I'm going to come out and say it...

I put this in an email to a nice blogger friend (you know who you are) but I'm going to say it here too. I'm really scared about healthcare when we go to the US.

I have finally found some that I am eligible for (it is hard when you are a citizen but not a resident) which though basic, has a reasonable reputation and will cover pregnancy (I believe this is a legal requirement). But I know it won't be a research centre specialising in recurrent miscarriage, and I know if I want to have any more fertility investigations I will be paying, and I'm worried about the attitude I seem to detect from other bloggers of US gynaes/REs of "make sure you give the maximum amount of treatment just in case". I'm worried they'll say "oh, you must have a clotting/egg maturation/immune problem, let's give you heparin/FSH/steroids" or "oh, bedrest for the first trimester, natch" when I'll be thinking "No evidence/dangerous/thrombosis!" but being scared to say no Just In Case.

I have navigated the US healthcare system before, but I was young, single, and the worst thing that I ever got was the damn Bartholin cysts. I did have a brief expensive spell on COBRA but having never had much to do with the UK health system, either, I didn't have much to compare it with.

Please talk me down. Thank you.

Things I should be doing...

Tidying my office.
Ringing back parents in our study.
Filing papers.
Ringing another office about someone's A level results that keeps ringing me up to panic.

Things I am doing...

Reading blogs.
Reading internet fora.
Blogging.

Anyway I had a phone call the other day from a social worker who didn't say she was "from" our local authority but that she was contacting me "in connection with our application to foster with" our local authority. And her accent was very non-local. So I was a bit confused but rang her back and left a message. She rang me the next day (after working hours, very impressive for a social worker) and explained that she and some colleagues had been independently contracted (which involves organisation, and spending money, very impressive for a local authority) to do the approval process for 7 potential foster carers (7 households, I think). They would be travelling to our area and staying over and spending a few days doing each family. This will take them about 6 months in total, so they would probably still be contracted to do it when we got back.

Now, if you have been through the approval process (and I have not) you will be able to say that this would be quite gruelling. I have only done the preparation course and the idea of doing all that over a couple of days is pretty daunting! But the advantage would be that although it wouldn't start till we got back, it would be over quickly, and Mr Spouse would probably not have a job yet, so we could do it in the daytime. Also one hopes the social worker wouldn't have too much opportunity to go away and think up extra nasty questions between sessions.

So I am feeling quite positive about that. Plus a sweet colleague (the least forthcoming of men ever) at another university, who I knew fosters, chatted to me about the process at a conference the other week and his opinion was "they just want to see if you are normal, you have to be pretty bad to fail approval".

It sounds like our local authority are serious about getting this batch of carers approved as soon as possible (v. sensible for them), and like it shouldn't be too much of an ordeal, if we can stand 2-3 solid days of being grilled.

Am I weird?

(Please say no).

I am currently catching up on paperwork and phone calls relating to my study of children's language that has been going on for about 4 years now - I won't be able to call people at a reasonable hour nor post things to them while I'm overseas. One thing I've been doing is asking parents their dates of birth. Lots of the parents are older than me (but the kids in the study are rising-five). But I am obsessively working out how many of them were older than I am now, when their babies were born.

I am, at the very least, a sad individual. Sorry.

So...

It was OK... we went on a slow but rambling ramble where my friend and I could hang back while the blokes charged ahead. She had her FET just over a week ago and will do her HPT (as you may know, here people don't get blood tests but are advised to do HPTs) on Friday or Saturday. Judging by the timing, it may turn out like her first cycle and she may get her period before doing the test anyway. It was partly advice, partly her exhaustion, and partly just wanting to be cautious which has caused her to take things much more easy than normal - she's usually very active and energetic. I probably couldn't have called first as they were out and about in an area with little mobile phone reception but I might try and call one evening this week just to check in again.

She asked for advice on a good adoption website. I recommended the one I often read, but suggested she not look at too many stories on the message board, but use it for factual information. I was slightly surprised they are thinking about this at this stage - it would probably be a year away for them though. They get two more fresh ICSI cycles on the NHS but only if they can fit them in before my friend turns 40 (ironically with it being a male factor problem, she's the older of the couple), and she is finding the process increasingly wearisome, so doesn't really feel they want to try a third fresh cycle privately. Although this cycle was a FET she felt it was more difficult than either of the previous ones, and she doesn't think it's going to get much better if she does any more.

I feel like I've got more to say about my friends than ourselves. Two (or more) fertility journeys for the price of one. We are gearing up for our temporary move and still wrestling with health insurance, which is incredibly complicated, partly due to our mixed citizenship situation, and may end up with enrolling Mr Spouse in a slightly dodgy way using an ITIN (a tax number for non-citizens) as he doesn't have an SSN. ITINs are not supposed to be used for identification outside the tax system but some healthcare providers use them. Sssh. We don't care if it lets him enrol.

I'm not feeling overwhelmingly positive about trying again to get pregnant, as I think I feel at the moment that our best chances of building a family are through adoption/foster care, and that pregnancy isn't going to happen, or if it does, it isn't going to go anywhere. And we can't do anything about fostering/adoption at the moment. But it is also possible I'm just a bit tired and overwhelmed. I had my bacon saved by a kind colleague - not one I'm especially best friends with, just one that happened to be in the office - when I forgot to return something from the library that has a £1 per hour fine, and blithely decided to work at home instead of going in on Friday. Things are getting on top of me.

I'm going to go and watch some mindless TV now I think.

Etiquette advice please people...

Tomorrow off to meet up with my bestest infertility pal aka The Best Woman (1 fresh ICSI -ve, 1 FET +ve but miscarriage at 6w, if you remember). Just done another FET but I'm not sure which day she'll be on.

Unfortunately, although Mr Spouse knows all we'll also have my dad (aka Obliviousness personified but nosy scientist) in tow.

How do I ask about the procedure/how she's feeling/when she'll be testing, without my dad asking personal questions?

Also - I'm wondering if this is IVF-related, or just personal nervousness - she said "oh, I won't be able to do a long walk because of having the FET". Is it official advice not to do much exercise or just immediately after (as I say, not sure of the dates) or is it just because she's had no real chances at a 2ww that could possibly work? so she's just extra nervous?

Is there a way...

to hide the Blogger babies on the Blogger dashboard?

(Though the one with the ears on his hat has a certain je ne sais quoi).

The unexpected

I'm still not a very frequent blogger, and even less so when I don't have much going on. But I did think that perhaps taking a break from trying to get pregnant would make things a little different. I just wasn't prepared for exactly how it would make things different.

I think I thought we'd have quite a different sex life - either more evenly distributed through the month, or avoiding the Persona red days entirely as neither of us like using condoms. But in fact, I guess our sex life is more driven by either a) weekends or b) my hormones as it was more or less the same as it is other months.

I didn't particularly think I'd be successful in getting fit and losing weight - but I have. I have lost 8lb in the last approximately 90 days, and I've started running again (and I've surprised myself by being able to pick up the number of minutes for which I can run much more rapidly than in the past) and I've lost 2in off my waist. I have also been able to fit into clothes I haven't worn for over 10 years. I have weighed this little a couple of times in the last couple of years (and even a bit less) but I think perhaps it's been in the winter and these were summer clothes.

I didn't think I'd notice anything new about my body - I thought I knew everything - but I've also noticed (look away now if squeamish, but hey, you are all fertility readers really aren't you? Well, sorry if not...) a much more regular pattern of CM than I thought I had. Both months I had some thick EWCM at a point which I thought was about 4-5 days before I would normally get a positive OPK. So far, so expected. However, I think normally my mucus is, er, obscured after that point. The first month I then got some really fluid but definitely stretchy CM about 5 days after that - which normally I tend to discount, or be a bit confused by. Not thick EWCM, but definitely egg-white-ish. This was about 5 days later and I had previously thought my body had given up on EWCM by about 4-5 days before ovulation.
The second month I then got my OPK-equivalent on the Persona, er, the next day. So a short cycle this month.

Finally I wasn't expecting migraines. I think I may have fallen into the common pattern of regular migraines just before my period. Previously they were much more stress-related - usually a stress hangover, a classic situation being the day after a stressful week at work, when I hadn't been out the night before or drunk anything. I've had a couple of those in the last year, but I think two out of the previous three months I've had a migraine. Fortunately my regular Imigran works OK premenstrually too.

One thing I was expecting - the social worker we met before (the second one, who was a bit new to the field, rather than the mad, about-to-retire one we met first) rang me back about our going away. She wasn't completely sure she'd be our social worker when we got back, but she didn't think it was worth starting any of our home study before we go away. I guess I'll just have to try and remember what we did on the course.

Three weeks till we go to the US - it still seems slightly unreal.

Spare a thought for the single and childless

We spent the last week on holiday with an old friend, celebrating her 40th. We met while we were doing our PhDs and we are both still in academia. She is a very very lovely person, one of those "how is she still single" friends. She met a very nice man a few months ago and although he couldn't be there because of his work, he sounds lovely.

She was asking me how my "health" was (this seems to be code for Have You Had Any More Miscarriages Recently, but it's not a bad code), and I filled her in - I don't think she knew about all of them. Like some other people I've spoken to she thought that fostering and/or adoption were "such good things to do". I'm not sure we really think of it like that, we are not really seeing this as a vocation, rather as a way to either have children in our lives - even if temporarily - or become parents. I think we feel slightly drawn to foster care/adoption from foster care rather than the supposedly easier options of overseas adoption or (theoretically just possible) US domestic adoption, but largely because we are not sure they would actually be easier, not because we are trying to be saints.

My friend hasn't had that much luck with men so I'm really pleased for her, and she has said in the past she's not that bothered about having children, her nieces and nephew are enough. The new man has had the snip and again she said this was OK, he already had kids. But she also confessed that every time she hears someone is pregnant, she feels like she's been kicked. So it sounds like she's wavering between child-less and child-free. And she can't be the only one. I think some of it is her feeling it wouldn't happen for her with a partner, so resigning herself to being childless too. She is not the kind of person (partly I think through conviction - she is strongly Catholic) to get pregnant either with an acquaintance or through donor sperm.

I tried to say something to her about how I felt our childlessness was more public, but for single people or those who appear to have been happily partnered but childless for some time (probably including many gay couples) people may not feel there is an issue - it is obvious we are trying to have children and failing, because it is much harder to keep a miscarriage to ourselves. People should in theory think more of our feelings when discussing pregnancy and children - and they can be pretty insensitive around us.

She told me she'd thought about adoption as a single person some time ago but was put off by horror stories she read online. I am sure it is at least partly true that the horror stories are out there but the happy families don't post. We have a very good friend who is the single mum of two adopted boys and she's had ups and downs but is ultimately very happy. But I want to tell her how desirable she and her new bloke would be as adoptive parents - between them they represent a complex, though not unique, ethnic mix, though I get the feeling most of the children who would be perfect "matches" would have a Muslim mother, and that might make them slightly less exciting as potential adopters. I'd love to tell her not to give up hope of being a mother - but I'm not sure how her partner really feels about this, or if he knows how she feels. Or even if she does.

It is a lot easier being a married person who really wants to have children.

Yes, I still exist

Sorry for the silence - not a lot going on that you'd be interested in, too much otherwise.

Spoke to the wrong person at the fostering team (and they have a really irritating new central switchboard that makes you hang on for ages - need to get people's direct number, quickly) but their feeling was we would probably wait till we get back from the US to start our home study.

Had a job interview - didn't get it. Really wanted promotion in current position but would have been very happy to take the job so a bit annoyed.

Mr Spouse is looking at what he can do when in the US, including volunteering. Spontaneously suggested hearing children read at school, and I told him about the (scandalously huge, but quite clean and pleasant) county foster home that I used to volunteer at when I was over there before. The sheer number of children in institutional care was scary. I'm pretty pleased we don't have that many here, frankly.

About to go on holiday to some Alps which I gather will be quite rainy. But never mind. Old, old friend's 40th - very nice, sweet friend, similar work but a bit more committed to it so has done a bit better than me. Has recently met man who seems to be very good for her (though she showed me his website and he seemed to have a liking for cheesiness...). He can't come so I won't get to meet him. Shame. Seems to be someone who doesn't really have any hankering to be a parent - has three nieces and nephews and seems satisfied with that. Not exactly incomprehensible to me but a head state I can't quite enter fully.

Skiver

I don't normally blog from work - no idea why as I do almost every other conceivable timewasting internetty thing at work - but there is 1/2 an hour to go till our end of term social and I Cannot Be Rsed to do any more work. So there.

We finished our foster care course on Tuesday and I have mixed feelings. I was kind of left wanting more, but it will be nice to get a bit of time back (it seems to have rushed by, but to have become part of our lives) and I don't know where we go from here. They are supposed to be contacting us in the next week to tell us who will be our social worker, and I was slightly relieved to hear it won't necessarily be the person who came to visit us at home - she was OK, but the two who did the course seemed a bit more open. But it's very unlikely we'd be able to finish the whole of the home study before we go away.

Mr Spouse thinks I'm being overoptimistic, and that they'll want us to wait till we come back to start, but I am thinking I should try and persuade them that it would be better to start now at least or we'll have even longer between the course and the home study (like 10-12 months instead of 7-8 in the middle). I did (I think I mentioned) apply for another job earlier in the month but haven't heard yet about it and heard on the grapevine someone much more attractive than me applied for it so am assuming at least that we'll be coming back here, not moving elsewhere on our return.

But even being pretty certain we'll be in the area and available for approval as foster carers, it still feels like we've set ourselves back with this - we won't be approved for at least another year, more like 18 months, and our personal timetable was to think about stopping trying to get pregnant and going all out for adoption at the earliest by this September and the latest next September. It looks like we won't even be approved as foster carers then. Which is depressing.

In other news, small overseas baby comes home to my colleague in about a month - very exciting. You have no idea (well, some of you do, but probably you don't) how difficult it is to find an adoption-friendly baby card in the UK. Not one with prams or "the birth of your baby" obviously, but many others are out for a variety of reasons. I finally found one with "Brand new Mummy and Daddy" on it which is a bit twee, but much more appropriate. The Twins ones were also all very twee. I'm making progress on a pile of knitting for all these babies, including the post-recurrent-pregnancy-loss-in-her-40s baby that was born last month - the hierarchy seems to be:

Baby after infertility - proper knitted garment
Singleton with no problems - hat
Twins after infertility - hats
Twins with no problems - bootees and definitely at the bottom of the pile.

Applications will be received and dealt with in the proper order. But two jackets nearly finished and two sets of bootees queued up means you could be waiting some time. Though if you are also waiting some time for your child, perhaps that will suit.

(PS Just had a knock on my door and my supervisor came in with a short but pleasant request. Very glad I had switched to my email as he read over my shoulder a pithy email from Mr Spouse, instead of this post...)

For Someone Special

Okay, I know there have been a lot of blogs about Father's Day and I know it is hard for some people who can't have children or who can't be with their father. But to be honest it completely passes me by. I don't get on brilliantly with my father but not that badly, but I think he'd faint if I sent him a card or even mentioned it. It seems to me like Secretaries' Day or Grandparents' Day or something else made up by Hallmark. Mr Spouse never sent his father a card and I think would rather people shut up about it now his father is gone.

We had originally planned to make Fathers' Day cards at Rainbows this week and the girl who was organising it didn't turn up so we decided to make some cards anyway but first I went round and nosily asked everyone "who's in your family, and who lives in your house" which gave us the opportunity to work out that F lives with her mum and sees her gran and doesn't appear to have either a father or grandfather on the scene, and then to move extremely swiftly on and make a fuss of E who appeared to be telling us they had five bedrooms, one per child and one for Mum & Dad, but according to J in fact they only have a boys' bedroom and a girls' bedroom. F made two cards, one for mum and one for Nana; new girl S made one for her little brother even though she lives with her dad. So we were all diverse and happy.

The 14-year-old helpers were shocked that I didn't send my father a card. Perhaps he is, after all, sitting there wishing I would?

Tired and emotional

... and not just because of the Pimms I've just been drinking.

Today's session was quite draining, not just because it was all day on a Saturday. I won't go into too many details, partly because the very first thing we had stressed to us was confidentiality, but also because, really, you may not want to hear it. The first part was on working with parents and the (huge variety of) social workers we will encounter. I kind of knew there were a lot of social workers out there, from my mother who used to teach children who'd been excluded from school, and who had a couple of children ask "so, who's your social worker?" - in their world, everyone has one...

We had a very interesting chat at lunchtime - the chief social worker (she's in charge in our district, I think) suggested we might like to go for respite and short term caring, rather than just respite, as we'd probably get more out of placements, and we wouldn't need to do more than respite initially. Respite fits in with full time work but if we were to have children full time, especially younger than secondary school age, at least one of us would need to work part time. I can't see myself asking for part time hours just now, but it's something I've been thinking about, and Mr Spouse I think would also be happy with working slightly less than full time, in whatever he ends up doing in the future (itself not entirely sure). But if we are approved for both we could change tracks without reapproval.

The afternoon was the harrowing part - about abuse and neglect - not just harrowing in itself but because I started remembering all about A, the boy who lived with me when I was living overseas (see here). I remember being asked at the time if I was angry with his father or with the boys who likely abused him- and that's definitely an issue that we would be asked to face with some fostered children. I'm not sure if I'm really not angry with them (well, it's hard to be angry with his father as he was pretty pathetic) or if I was just getting on with caring for him and avoiding the issue. Some of the things that were suggested to us as reactions to children's inappropriate behaviour made me think, OK, yes, I did handle that well. Others made me realise that (probably because I was, erm, completely untrained and unprepared) I could have done something differently.

I never really finished the story about A, but there have been a few new things since I last wrote about him. I kind of feel I've closed the book on him, though I'd be happy to hear from him now of course. He finished school and got a couple of IGCSEs (the i is for International not Internet!) with pretty poor grades, but when last heard of had a job - probably thanks to his reasonable English. His behaviour was still a bit erratic but perhaps not quite as poor as when I knew him, but he is now past his teenage years and I know even for young people who have awful behaviour becoming an adult can sort things out a bit. I am less worried he is actually going to die and I think he has a little HIV awareness - and if he had become infected when he was a child I think he'd be at least quite sick by now. I know this sounds very morbid but I've had to face this.

Gosh - I didn't mean to get into that - it must be the Pimms. I am going to go and see what's for dinner (I have a feeling the answer is, whatever I make... as Mr Spouse is watching very boring important football. Just to annoy him I think Beans will be on the menu).

Anyway, where would an infertility blog be without TMI, so I'll leave you with this. Don't wear white trousers before CD7. Especially if you are on a break and checked your Persona this morning and it said "go for it!".

Me again...

So last night's session was also non-scary and dealt with Loss and also with Discrimination though these were linked. There are bits of material the social workers leading the group are given and you get the impression they get through these particular parts because they have to (and they aren't that comfortable using Powerpoint anyway), and then there are activities and discussions that are partly from their manual and partly not, which are a lot more rewarding.

I realised between writing that and coming back to finish this that the session could potentially have included lots of talking about losses we had experienced - since most of the potential foster carers have children of their own (apart from two adult children who have come along for the ride - 18 and 20 - and one young woman who is preparing to be a respite foster carer for her parents - 28), it is unlikely that anyone would have the same kinds of losses we've had. Though one couple I think have just the one 18-year-old so you never know. But anyway, we didn't have to "share" or anything like that.

Instead we talked about culture, race, discrimination, and losing things from your background/past/culture. I think some of it didn't really touch some people at all (if you have never lived anywhere but where you grew up, you don't know what it's like not to have it any more); some people had really interesting insights (one Northern Irish person and one who pointed out sectarianism also exists in our region - especially in Liverpool); and some thought it was all a bit PC ("why are we pretending to be gay?"). So, if we have foster kids we've to give them chip butties and let them watch telly all day, and the person who thought there were lots of gay people in high powered positions has to let the boys wear fairy outfits.

Onwards and upwards

So we now move into two months of Not Trying To, or to be more strictly accurate, Trying Not To. We have agreed on a slightly dodgy use of the Persona, namely, if we wish to be friendly on red days we will use protection, even though it tells you this is Risky, we do not really feel recent lack of success puts us in a high category of Risky.

I'm putting a positive spin on this for myself which is so far not working too badly: I can drink all I want, and all the coffee I want - which isn't that much, and I never really abstain from caffeine anyway, just try to keep it down to a cup a day, more so that withdrawal isn't too bad if I need to. (And - forgot to say this earlier - I am being a rebel on my vitamins. I think I'll find a general women's vitamin and take that as it probably will have things you can't take in pregnancy - just hate seeing the Mum To Be vitamins in the drawer).

I am also going to continue with my efforts to lose weight. At least if I started a pregnancy weighing less there would be less to lose and it would be marginally less depressing if I ended up on the sofa stuffing my face with chocolate again. And I do think being fitter has helped me get pregnant in the past - 2 of my pregnancies were when I was running and one when I was training for a long bike ride.

I've actually not been doing too badly on that - I am cycling to work at least twice a week (it is 9 hilly miles a day, people, hope you are impressed), swimming once most weeks, and concentrating a lot harder on my eating habits (I'm getting quite into Paul McKenna, which Mr Spouse teases me about no end - "I Can Make Myself Rich!") and I've lost 4lb over the last month, bringing my BMI down to just under 29.

Another post later on our foster care evening yesterday, but for now I need lunch, and Paul says eat when you are hungry. So I am following instructions.

Why do I do this to myself?

Period due today or tomorrow (most of my recent cycles have been 29 days but my breasts were sore very early 2 weeks ago so possibly today). Decided that as we're taking two months off and I had a FR test which expires next month, why not use it.

This of course causes me to wake up extra early and lie there being anxious. If I get up and test, will I be able to go back to sleep? If I don't get up and test, will I be able to go back to sleep? Are my stomach cramps due to complete inactivity in my digestive system (see, symptom spotting), the apricots I ate yesterday to ease that, or my period about to start? If I get up and test, will it wake Mr Spouse? If I tell him I'm testing, will he worry needlessly too?

So (comedy of errors begins here) I get up and pee into a specimen bottle we have in the medicine cabinet (don't ask). Go back to bed and still can't sleep. Get up and very quietly retrieve test from drawer. Dip in bottle and it is negative of course. Realise am also likely to wake Mr Spouse if I put the test box back in the drawer so decide to conceal it in spare room (his dressing room) in box of spare sheets which is on the table. Go back to bed and sleep, thankfully.

After Mr Spouse has left for work, get up and shower etc., still very tired, decide to retrieve test box and put in bin. Box of spare sheets no longer on table. Mr Spouse has tidied it away. Look under first sheet - not there. Look under second sheet - not there. Now I know it's not exactly healthy to conceal these things from one's husband, but I know he knows I do more tests than I tell him about and I know he worries just as much as me so I might as well just have one of us worrying. Look a bit harder - box still there. Box now in bin.

Neither a bang nor a whimper...

Which sounds like the end of something, but really was the start of our foster care course. It is a standard course used by a lot of local authorities, I won't go into masses of detail but it's not really restricted content as far as I'm aware.

The first evening, last night, was neither very exciting nor very scary, but in some ways quite reassuring. The content was very introductory, I was in fact left wanting more which is I suppose the point! The group seemed OK, mainly slightly quiet and unsure like we were, apart from one man who was loud and unsure (so Mr Spouse didn't have to tell me off for talking more than anyone else). I'm trying to play down the "I'm a child psychologist" but I've already had one person (a childminder, so also with lots of relevant experience) say "ooh, you'll be really good at this, it's all about psychology".

She probably does know what kind of psychology I do as she'll have done a lot on child development in her vocational training, and yes, I know both in theory and in practice about how to promote preschoolers' development, how to support primary age children in difficult tasks, and how to deal with a tantrum (at least, ignoring has never let me down yet!). But older children acting out, violent teenagers, depressed 10-year-olds, not so much - no more than anyone else with a small amount of common sense. And I think that's what most people mean by "child psychology".

So we felt fairly positive, and not too scared, at the end of the evening. I finally confessed to my mother what we are doing and she "thinks we are mad" but anyway, hopefully she'll be charmed round in the end - or just stay out of the way.

Freecycle

Of all the unusual ways to be blindsided by a pregnancy....

WANTED
Item: Phil & Teds double buggy
Info: my 2nd baby is due in november, and my little boy will be 13m old.

(this is from our local equivalent which operates a little differently; but this is someone I know who is a student - we all thought the first one was likely to have been unplanned - as far as I know she gets no maternity pay so I'm not sure she can really have thought a second would be a good idea just now!)

Compromise

Last week Mr Spouse and I had a bit of a barney. This coincided with me having yet another barney with my brother* so I had a couple of sleepless nights. It was started by me suggesting that he whisk me away as it was a very good night for whisking away, and him suggesting that we should not be trying to get pregnant before we go away in August. Late August! I was suggesting stopping trying when the next but one period was due - mid July; he was suggesting stopping now.

Next morning (in fact, very early, as I think we'd both been tossing and turning a bit) we both said "OK, how about a compromise - one more month". So we had, erm, an active weekend. And my calculations later proved that I was a bit optimistic - a July pregnancy would have meant going away exactly the time the last one failed - not good planning. Now, in my fantasy world where I get pregnant this cycle and it works, I'd be coming home for a short trip to the UK just in time for my 20 week scan, neatly avoiding some of the insurance issue too. I like this fantasy world as it also involves shocking my colleagues upon my arrival.

So we will see. In the meantime, we start our foster care course on Tuesday, and I'm practicing keeping my mouth shut in the face of weird analyses of child development by social workers.

*See: arrogant person who won't listen to me and must therefore be wrong; person who doesn't believe he should remind his children to say thank you; person who asked me to make an identical doll for his older daughter because she was jealous of younger daughter's birthday present, and told me I was being "perverse" when I said I would but it wouldn't be till her birthday.

Tee hee

Best woman (already had one kid) of my best woman (the one who has just had the miscarriage - following me?) just had twins. That's not the funny part - no doubt far from it - she found out it was twins more or less the same day my best woman found out the first ICSI didn't work.

The birth announcement includes first and middle names for both twins and I'm going to try really hard to make this non-Googleable, but when I forwarded the names to Mr Spouse his reply was:

"T'bias C'sp'r. Poor kid!"

(the girl's name wasn't quite as bad though I thought the middle name - He.tt.ie - was actually a nickname for, I think, Hester)*

"Don't be mean. Just you wait till we are fostering Chardonnay and Wayne"

"Yeah, I can just see you yelling out the back 'Chardonnay! Your dinner's ready!'"

Has a bit more street cred, don't you think, than "Hester! Toby! Your asparagus risotto is getting cold!"?

*I hate doing this but really, really don't want this Googleable!

Desperately sad news

My friends S & J who got married the same year as us have been doing ICSI (I related that already) - they had a fresh cycle last year, and it failed but they got about 6 frozen embryos. A few weeks ago she found out she was pregnant with two of the three they had to defrost - but I just got an email yesterday to say the pregnancy had failed. I felt a real shock when reading the email.

Understandably she doesn't feel like talking about it - I've written a card and am sending chocolate - I have said if she has any questions, or needs to get away, just ask.

I know they will have another round of frozen embryos (possibly two if they all work - they will only transfer two at a time here if you are under 40) but I am pretty sure there is no more ICSI after that, and that they can't afford any more.

But I think what I am really wondering is, how much do I actually understand her situation? I imagine it must be even more awful to lose a pregnancy after IVF, but what do I really know?

So, tell me, dear readers - if you know - what is it like? Is it different if you have had both types of losses? What if that's the only pregnancy you've had? Do you think that is worse than having, but losing, several pregnancies?

Not having a good day/week/month

Went to the acupuncturist this morning, who always asks me how I'm feeling about it when my period has started. Well, you kind of get used to it, you know. I don't know if she expects to magically fix me, or what, or if she's just trying to be sympathetic. But to be honest I'm not feeling that great. This time last year I was pregnant, and it was the most hopeful ever, and then it failed, and it's nearly the anniversary.

The GP says my progesterone level "indicates I'm ovulating", which I kind of guessed (even before having the test), and there's nothing more to do "since I've already been investigated thoroughly". I could probably push for more but frankly can't be *rs*d.

And I have a load of stuff to do at work, none of which is overwhelming individually, but I also have stuff to get ready before we go to the US in August, and finding insurance etc. just reminds me every time we look at pre-existing conditions or pregnancy clauses. Fortunately the one for me from the university is pretty generous and specifically includes pregnancy, or excludes pregnancy and its complications from its exclusions if you see what I mean - but Mr Spouse and I both need cancellation insurance for our travel and for other trips beforehand and these are more mean - sad emails have been going back and forth this afternoon.

I've been working on a paper today, and just pottering around, but I have loads of marking to do, and I could honestly have spent the entire day doing much nicer things like taking photos of my crafts etc. And if I don't get my marking done tonight I'm going to be doing that tomorrow instead of taking photos etc., going to my knitting group, going for a walk, the things I want to do. And I promised a couple of other people bits and pieces this week, which I haven't done...

And I feel like the last man standing in the world of People Trying To Get Pregnant On The Internet (which should tell me something about where I'm going wrong, shouldn't it?). But don't go away, just don't worry if I'm a bit quiet on your blog.

Tedious

So sorry that all my posts seem to be about me starting my period, or at least seem to include that information. What can I say, I don't have much to talk about.

I've just had a minor row with Mr Spouse, not really "about" anything except that we are both frazzled and tired, him because of a long day, me because of not sleeping well last night. I really need to sleep, and not fret and lie awake in bed like I did last night, over nothing in particular.

Step away from the Google

Not a huge issue really... Having been at a conference over the weekend (small, v. friendly, finally came out to my best gal-work-pal about the miscarriages and also to a woman who I know slightly less but who has been having a very difficult first trimester, and who started chatting to me about how badly informed she felt and how she got the impression she was just supposed to go away and put up with hyperemesis), I only just got a chance to call about my progesterone test. I think it was 28 (maybe 20!) which seems to be high? high normal? Anyway I'm not looking now, but have a telephone appointment with the GP on Thursday. I don't think she'll have any answers, though.

Of course this morning just as I surreptitiously put a small sample of FMU in the medicine cabinet (I wiped the bottle, don't worry) I noticed my period had started. I think I'm feeling extra bad about this one as it's the anniversary of my last miscarriage at the end of this month, and I can't help feeling sad about that, as well as worrying I won't have any more pregnancies either.

It felt really good to come out to C, who knew there were some "issues" but not really what they were. I've been kind of trying to tell her for a while, it just has been hard to bring it up - she started talking about her brother (who is an obstetrician) getting her sister-in-law in for extra scans so it finally seemed natural to bring it up - I related how Mr Spouse forgot that "normal people" don't get a scan till 12 weeks.

It was also good to rant about being told to "go away and come back when you are 12 weeks" to D. I don't know if D has any fertility issues but she is definitely a non-smug fertile - she says "I'm hoping to go on maternity leave in November". Other Smug Lady Who Is Convinced Everything Is Pregnancy Or Child-Related said "D will be on maternity leave". She also said "ooh, my hair went curly once I had been pregnant". Well, my hair went curly in my 30s, before any pregnancies, but of course she didn't listen to my theory. D is in a study of stress (I think) and pregnancy, and we discussed my wild idea of planning research into CBT and miscarriage. I don't think this would be a good area for me to research as I don't know anything about CBT (other than "it's a good thing") but I'm just wondering if I might ask the GP to refer me again to a different psychologist (I suspect scary shirt man will have moved on by now).

Privilege

I'm afraid I'm jumping on geepeemum's bandwagon with this one... it seemed intriguing.

1. Father went to college.

My dad has a degree from Oxbridge as well as a PhD ditto. I suspect my father is a tiny bit disappointed only one of his children went to his old college and that my PhD is from The Other Oxbridge.

2.Father finished college.

See above

3.Mother went to college.

Ivy League - one where, at the time she went there, there were separate women's and men's institutions.

4.Mother finished college.

Ditto. She has been heard to express regret at being the only person in her immediate family who only has a BSc - her father and brother, ex-husband (my dad) and two children all have PhDs, and her mother had a Masters.

5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.

My paternal grandfather, and his father, were doctors. My maternal grandfather, maternal uncle, and father, are all academics (only my maternal grandfather I think is "professor" as my dad didn't get that high and my maternal uncle is in a research institution so I'm not sure of his title - but what they call professors in the US, certainly). Sundry other academic relatives, too.

6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.

As my mother at the time was a secondary school teacher, and several children of the teachers were at my school, I'm guessing the same.

7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.

Many more

8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home

Probably yes. Oddly I don't think we do now, as I'm trying to be better at decluttering. I keep special books, and easily available ones that I think I'll read again soon, and get rid of the rest.

9. Were read children’s books by a parent.

Yes, until I could read myself, and even then my dad read us big book series - Narnia, Swallows and Amazons.

10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18.

I'm assuming this means music/dance etc. rather than "going to school and having lessons" - in which case yes - lots of music, some ballet but I was rubbish at that.

11.Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18.

Three musical instruments (piano, flute, bassoon) and ballet.

12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively.

Possibly, apart from the "absent-minded boffin" stereotype

13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18.

I think I'd heard of other children having a credit card when I was a child, but only in films.

14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs

Fees from the Local Authority, and grant from my parents for the first 4 years (I dithered) and then half parental money and half grant in the last year as my brother was also at university that year.

15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs

Not in my last year, and not for my PhD - not a penny for that, in fact - thank you, MRC.

16. Went to a private high school

Yes - I was due to start secondary school a couple of years after a big change to the school system - my dad who had been to private school (well, actually "public school") would have pushed for this anyway and my mum didn't resist much.

17. Went to summer camp

Unless Guide camp, or a few days at day camp in the US count, no.

18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18

I was a swot and didn't need tutoring, plus my dad is a hard scientist and could help with some of the basic stuff.

19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels

I think so - at least, I am pretty sure we had a skiing holiday in a hotel once when I was about 13, and a few nights in hotels on our way to and from places. Although some of them may have been motels. Mostly we went self-catering or stayed with relatives or friends, though. My family don't camp and definitely don't stay in caravans, although strangely there appears to be a picture of me aged 1 in wellies and nappy outside a caravan but perhaps it belonged to a friend of the family.

20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18.

No way, and are you kidding? Although I'm the oldest child and the second-oldest girl cousin, I still got a lot of my clothes from that cousin, and even a few from the boy cousin who's a couple of months older (but quite hefty). I'm not too sure any of my baby/young child clothes came from charity shops but as soon as I started having my own clothes budget, aged about 14, I was a regular - so much so that I started working in one and got a discount. My mother is a seamstress and knitter and one of the jumpers she made me was then my brother's

21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them

The first car I owned was a 1969 Beetle (so, 2 years younger than me) when I last lived in the US, at the age of 31 (meanly, Mr Spouse won't let me get another one when we go this year). The first car I bought in this country was however new.

22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.

Yes - prints done by a family friend who makes a living from her art (so, not famous, but definitely professional) and lots of historic stuff.

23. You and your family lived in a single-family house.

I think this means detached, rather than "not a flat" but I'm not entirely sure. We lived in a whole house, but it was terraced.

24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home

Yes - they bought it just before I was born for about £3000 and it had mushrooms in the basement!

25. You had your own room as a child

When I was about 10 the attic was converted to be my room. I chose the wallpaper - pink flowers, of course.

26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18

I'm not sure we had more than one phone in the house before I left home.

27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course

I'm assuming this is some kind of college preparation course. We did have special lessons at school for those taking the Oxbridge exams, but within school time.

28. Had your own TV in your room in high school.

We only had one telly in the house, and my parents still have one each (as they live in different houses now...)

29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college.

I had a building society account but I don't think that counts!

30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16.

First flew to the US to visit my grandparents when I was 3 months old. I think my childhood carbon footprint must have been horrendous.

31. Went on a cruise with your family.

Don't think the overnight ferry to Denmark counts.

32. Went on more than one cruise with your family.

33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up.

Yes, lots, and I do remember being bored at times!

34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

I wasn't aware though was probably told to turn the radiator down sometimes, and until we moved into this house I lived in small flats/houses (the largest being a small mid-terrace). We now live in a large end-of-terrace that is probably similar in heating costs to my parents' house and good grief, the heating bills. Thankfully double glazing should come soon.

22/34. Slightly higher than geepeemum but in that ballpark. I think some of these are either more common in the UK (private school is a bit more common, museums and art galleries are very accessible) or vanishingly rare here (cruises, children having their own phone lines)

*The original authors of this exercise are Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, and Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. If you participate, they ask that you PLEASE acknowledge their copyright.

[This was written ages ago but I never published it, I hope I've got the formatting at least slightly OK]

Car crash

Someone tell me, why am I compelled to watch/read these things?

In Mr Spouse's diabetes magazine, alongside the ads for stairlifts and bath hoists and comfy shoes, they have Real Life Stories. We read them, shocked ("She went blind at 19! He died of a hypo on his wedding day!"). This month was the story of a woman had seven miscarriages and two stillbirths. Now, diabetes increases the likelihood of miscarriage and stillbirth, and I have nothing for admiration for people who are, so to speak, further along in their allotted number of miscarriages (and possibly who can get pregnant more quickly than me), but in this case I didn't feel sympathy or admiration, or even glad that it wasn't me. It just made me angry. This woman wasn't controlling her diabetes, wasn't even really attempting to - she was in denial that she had diabetes, essentially.

Today I got home a bit early and was flicking through the offerings Tivo had decided we'd like when I came across Britain's Youngest Grannies. Another car crash - two who were upset their daughters had followed them by being teenage mothers (and in both cases the mother was 18 or 20 when their daughter was born while the daughter got pregnant at 15); and one who was pleased, and thought 25 was too old to be a mother. Then I turned off.

Anyway to get to my point, I was home early because of going to the GP who assured me I had no lumps in my breasts, that some pain at all points in the cycle is relatively common ("wear a supportive bra, take ibuprofen at the start of the cycle" - well, I am a 34F, so I know about supportive bras, thanks), and that there wasn't much point in doing day 2/3 FSH etc. - I definitely don't have PCOS, and I don't have any menopausal symptoms, and it wouldn't be a result I could do anything about, but that is worth repeating the day 21 progesterone. I am still pretty sure I am ovulating each month, but we'll see. I don't know if she'd be in favour of Clomid "just in case", if she'd give me it without sending me to the local hospital, or if she'll decide to refer me if the day 21 test is normal. I didn't get round to ringing the miscarriage clinic, and to be honest I think the local gynae will do another round of fertility investigations just as competently as they will (in fact she used to work with them), and will be easier to get to.

Oh, I forgot the best bit - she said "after all, you're only 41".

Yes, no, yes, no, yes...

That's more about our state of indecision and panic than in any particular order about decisions:
I didn't get my grant (boo) which means I'm going to have to bash away at several other grants (boo) in order to eventually get promotion (boo/hooray) and to have any chance, alternatively, of applying for another job. But it means that we are sorted as to what we are doing: we are going to Southern California for 8 months in August (hooray).

After dithering with Mr Spouse and dithering with the acupuncturist (who pointed out quite rightly that I don't have much time to be doing tests) but also getting increasingly irritated (boo) with the 3-4 days of somewhat tender boobs at the start of my cycle (not as tender as before my period, not tender enough to give me any thoughts of pregnancy, but tender enough to be very annoying), I decided to book in to see the GP. Mr Spouse wasn't too keen on the whole idea of more tests as he knows me very well ("you are just hoping they'll find something they can fix, I know you, and you know they won't") but was swayed by the "new symptom" card. I'm seeing the nice female GP who signed me off for four weeks after the last miscarriage, next week.

I'm going to try and call the clinic nurse, too, though as they are a) miscarriage not infertility for the most part and b) a long way away and c) a tertiary referral centre, I may need to get the primary-to-secondary referral anyway.

Both Mr Spouse and the acupuncturist (I'm regretting sending him to see her as I envisage them ganging up on me now...) asked what if I got pregnant before we went away. Mr Spouse and I had a little chat about it and I think we are both happier - if I was more than 12 weeks pregnant, I think we'd be confident to travel and would probably spend a few months there anyway (it would be nice to be preparing for leave, away from people who wanted a piece of me before I vanished!). If I was, say, 10 weeks pregnant we'd delay until we were more sure. If I got to the point where I could be 6 weeks pregnant at the time we left, I'd be the first one to call a break for a month. And if I found out I was pregnant while we were there, my medical insurance covers pregnancy.

You've got spam

I had a hugely long spam comment on one of my posts last night (it was a long post, and the spam was about 4x the length of the post). I've deleted it, but if anyone has any clues about how to deal with these - I think I'm probably quite lucky with just the one in 3 years.

I realised this morning that this is the longest I've lived in one dwelling and the longest I've been in one job/course of study since leaving school. Time for a move I think. I'm waiting to hear about the grant which will decide where we go for about 8-9 months, and when, but we are definitely going somewhere. I think Mr Spouse is more anxious than I am because his new job is continuing to bore him rigid.

Himself

Although he is, in general, Mr Sceptical, he has agreed with absolutely no argument to go to the acupuncturist when she next has a Saturday morning space. Isn't he nice? I think it should help his shoulder too, and she is a no-nonsense nurse so I think she won't tell him any guff about changing his diet and curing his diabetes, either. I went to a yoga class while on holiday and the teacher was waffling at the start about Ayurvedic medicine and how Western medicine has killed more than it has cured and I bit my tongue and didn't say "like my husband, you mean?".

He may get a bit suspicious if she tells him about the "more beans and pulses, lots of veg" as we had falafel burgers last night and he actually quite liked them...

It is nearly our fourth anniversary and I think I'm finally getting over the shock of being married, and becoming largely comfortable with it. I just ordered his present - it's "fruits and flowers" and he's allergic to most scented flowers, but aha! Hops are a flower, are they not? So he's getting this: not that he's a beginner but it only has one of each in case he doesn't like any of them. I've left an annotated Bravissimo catalogue lying around. I am not sure if he's being dense or subtle but he claimed not to have spotted it so I will have to put it in a more prominent place. I believe in having some surprises but also in getting presents that I actually want!

Would it be worth....

asking if the GP/local gynae/miscarriage clinic (as they are a general gynae clinic too) would do another day 3 FSH for me? Or getting one of those pee sticks**? As this is now about my 10th cycle. It's 2 years since my last FSH, which was 6 I seem to remember (just looking it up*). They might also suggest an HSG as none of the other factors are likely to have changed but they did a lap and dye after about 9 months without conception before, and I don't think I'm even slightly at risk of endo now (since I had none before, and no different symptoms). It just struck me that they might also want to redo the SA.

It doesn't seem worth them doing the LH (though they probably would - but all my Persona sticks are negative until at least day 14) or progesterone (as otherwise why would my boobs be hellish from about day 18 to about day 28?), but FSH might have changed.

Or would it just be really frustrating if the FSH was impossibly high, as we don't even know when we are going abroad (or in fact where, which is what determines when) and therefore when we'd come back and be able to move on to adoption - and the earliest it would be is a year from now? and therefore the plan has so far been just keep at it for the next year?

I have had a couple of random "will be nice when I can stop taking folate and vitamins pointlessly every bloomin' morning" thoughts and even one "should we just stop trying now, perhaps I'd feel better". I think the day may come when I actually feel OK about giving up (even if it's for a year or so) on trying to get pregnant. I'm not sure I actually felt it would be OK before - just that it would be necessary.

*It was 7.
**Edited for complete clarity - it would not be because of cost if I got a pee stick as all of this would be done on the NHS, and they have been very good about not making me wait too long for things, too. And I'm not sure if those FSH pee sticks are supposed to be that great, anyway - aren't they supposed to only tell you "sorry, luv, menopause all over"? The question is would the information actually help anything?

Next

We've been invited to go on the foster carers' course - it's not till June, but at least that means we can be sure we'll be able to go, and it's something to look forward to. I think even if I do get pregnant again before then we'll go anyway. I am not completely sure how positive Mr Spouse feels about this, but he didn't say "no point in doing that, is there, as we won't finish our approval before we go abroad" - instead he agreed with me that we might just squeeze it in or alternatively we might do part of it.

I'm happy to say my powers of magical thinking aren't what they were, and all was well at Slightly Annoying But Friendly Couple's scan. Sadly (oh how gutted I am) this will mean no more joint skiing trips with them. Equally surprisingly (not) is that there was no mention of the twins they were sure it was when we saw them last week. Him: "you've put on SO much weight dear, it MUST be twins" Her: "Harumph".

Me to her later "It's mainly fluid, you know you need the extra blood, twins are pretty rare you know". Her to me: "Oh, but they run in the family" Me: "What, your family?" Her: "No, there's one pair of twins in his family". Erm, don't think that counts... Other thing I did not say: "You know your chance of a miscarriage even at 13 weeks is greater than your chance of twins?"

I'm very well behaved, aren't I?

Back last night from our holiday - I did have internet while away (thank you to whoever didn't secure their Netgear box in the apartment block) but as my laptop was monopolised the whole time by Mr Spouse and, mainly the wife (but also the husband) of the couple we were with who needed to check Facebook hourly, and play Scrabble, and I didn't really want anyone looking over my shoulder while I blogged, no updates. But I have been reading. I think everyone managed without me.

Now, you may be detecting a tiny bit of resentment towards said wife. I am now going to totally exaggerate everything that is wrong with her in order to gain loads of sympathy from my dear readers. This is the couple made up of Mr Spouse's best man and his wife, who've been trying to get pregnant for (as far as I can work out) nearly 4 years - pretty much since they got married. They'd had 3 unsuccessful IUIs and were about to consider taking a break since the husband needed to go on a medicine that apparently causes birth defects (now I am not sure this is possible, since it's never been listed in all those Scare Story What Not To Do when you are TTC lists, but this is the woman who hasn't eaten blue cheese for 2 weeks every month for 4 years). Guess when they chose to tell us she was pregnant? That's right, the first evening of our holiday, when I'd just found out the activity I'd been longing to do had finished for the season an hour previously*. Obviously I am very happy for them. But.

This is also the wife that is "allergic" to everything in sight - not just the few things that lots of people can't have but are easily avoidable, but some of those ingredients that sneak into everything, and which I am pretty confident occur naturally in a lot of foods (funnily, she can eat those) and who is therefore a nightmare to shop and cook for. Add to that pregnancy restrictions ("darling, I don't think you can eat this pasta sauce, it says it has sheep's milk in it") and an unwillingness to go out to a restaurant that had main courses listed at about £10-£15 (they live in SE England, we are not sure whether they ever go out to dinner at home, and you should have seen the prices of lift passes!), and constantly telling us how she couldn't use the hot tub, what baby-related gifts she was going to buy her husband for his birthday present, how she kept having to email her parents to say she was still OK, worrying about falling over**, telling me she couldn't have a manicure "because they want to do something with your fingernails at the booking appointment" etc. etc.

She wasn't really that bad, in fact I think her husband fusses over her more (in general as well as now she is pregnant) and only moaned about the couple of infections she'd picked up rather than about pregnancy-related sickness, but you can appreciate that 10 days of this did not a relaxing holiday make.

I was very, very good and resisted telling her that when she went for her scan it was totally possible that there would be an empty sac. Hope you are all very proud of me. Now I feel mean as they were supposed to contact us when they had the scan and they should be back now, and no news, but then they do have all their Facebook contacts to update. And I may have offended her (though I think she understood) by asking for no pictures.

*Fortunately Mr Spouse is very very nice to me and we worked out it was cheaper to hire a car and go elsewhere where it was still happening, than for me to pay for a lift pass all week and ski with them and be miserable, and he even came with me and learned new things for part of the week.

**I had briefly considered what if I was pregnant on this holiday, and falling over didn't really bother me, but I thought I would probably sit on the sofa and watch DVDs/potter about on snowshoes/go shopping if I had been, not because of falling, but because of the exercise often being quite vigorous.

Is it really bad...

that one reason I was hoping I'd be pregnant is so I can be a bit more relaxed about the timing of, erm, activity? We don't do too badly, our minimum average per month I'd say was about twice a week, and although I do use Persona or sometimes OPK thingys I mainly do them so I know when the second half of my cycle starts as that's fairly predictable, the first half only varying by 1 or at most 3 days but it all helps in the Keep Calm enterprise. I'm not really into timing, more into quantity.

But an average of twice a week conceals a large range (from zero to, therefore, 4 or more) and sometimes I do feel like zero and if that's the second week of my cycle, well, I do feel like I've wasted one more month.

In slightly brighter news, the social worker I'd been muttering about ("where's this preparation course, we've been waiting ages, has she just forgotten about us, does she think people don't have lives and don't need any notice") actually hadn't told us the dates for this month's course because... it's next month. It won't be in the school holidays so it has to be logically after we get back from our skiing trip. Yes, we are a childless couple who goes on lots of foreign holidays. No clichés here.

Trigger-happy versus gun-shy

Why is it that on day 28 I can get up, think "yeah, why not test" and go ahead and do it without any premeditation, but on day 30 I spend half the night agonising about whether or not to test? Both negative, of course. And my period started later today, of course.

An online friend, R, whose 3-year-old has moderate spina bifida (operation at birth and more in the future, but walked at about 2 and very verbal and bright) just went for her second pregnancy 20 week scan. Multiple abnormalities. Probable Edwards syndrome. Having decided firmly against termination last time, this one is probably an even harder call for them, leaving aside the complete devastation they must be feeling.

In brighter news, Overseas Adoption Couple are just back from a week in Central America to visit their baby. The photos are beyond cute but the adoption hotel sounds surreal.

Trying from the laptop

Unusually I seem to be better working on the laptop on the sofa so I'm trying a quick update:

Valentine's day: Wishing of course for pink lines, fearing instead red loo paper, I in fact got neither and was left hoping. Of course my period started the next day. We did have a nice chocolatey meal in.

My birthday -1 (Monday 18th). Disorganisation means that I couldn't arrange for a massage on my birthday, when I was planning to take the day off, so I booked in for a manicure on the day itself and then investigated massages. While doing this I found a new acupuncturist so arranged to see her also.

My birthday - A nice day, in fact. Skive off work early, manicure, out to dinner with Mr Spouse. Sadly no chocolatey puddings on the menu. I have a very large almond crême brulée.

Thursday - Wake up with sore throat. Go for my first acupuncture session. Very sympathetic lady who seems to do quite a bit of obstetric work and does not seem phased by treating me during a risky pregnancy. Have one session and book in for a second. Feel better after session but at work immediately start feeling shaky, ache all over and feel nauseous. Go home and go to bed. Not sure when back/shoulders started to ache but feel it by now.

Friday - Feel slightly better and get some work done, then have afternoon off for massage. Very relaxing and shoulders feel better.

Saturday - Not entirely sure this was the cause, but I have a new stand-up craft table and used it today, and my back started getting worse.

Sunday to Wednesday - Back starts hurting more, start sleeping less, and start feeling increasingly despairing about even being awake in the bedroom at the same time as Mr Spouse. Did I mention he started a new job this week that involves a 7.15 train?

Wednesday - Go to acupuncturist again. Realise I am feeling guilty for a) giving acupuncturist any grounds for believing I could get pregnant this month and b) spending all that money on acupuncturist.

Thursday-Friday - Decide to take back in hand, so to speak. Cut down slightly on computer use on Thursday, cut out knitting, and have non-computer-based meeting on Friday. Back feels slightly better and I get some sleep.

Weekend - Mr Spouse feels more awake on Saturday morning. Make very short list of essential computer-based and standing-up-based tasks and then step away from computer. Back starts to feel even better. Avoid the issue of Mothering Sunday by not going to church in the morning, and then feeling too knackered from a long walk to go in the evening (traditionally less gooey anyway).

Today - Try to keep time at computer to 1/2 hour continuously. This is helped by power cut in the middle of the day.

That wasn't very quick... but you are now up to date. I don't feel as old as I did before my birthday, but I still feel old.

Sorry...

I've done something to my upper back which seems to be exacerbated by sitting at the computer. I'm trying really hard to minimise my non-work computer use... hence no posts.