Wednesday, February 27, 2008


I keep meaning to post about my birthday, Valentines, my week of wellbeing, and other stuff. But instead I am going to go to bed.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Crazy lady...

Anyone else ever think of claiming they got a very faint positive, followed by a bleed, and weren't sure so wanted to go and get it checked out, just to make sure everything's still in place?

Or is it just me?

A post I've been meaning to write for a while, based on something geepeemum said (on her old site). Do we feel the need for others to validate our choices? If we are heading down a given route, do we suggest this to others in order to help us to feel this is the right choice? If they don't choose that route, does it make us feel it's less right, or that they are telling us it's less right?

So of our three or four couples of friends in similar circumstances, one continued to try to get pregnant despite three losses (and are now, what, 25 weeks pregnant?), but stated that adoption would never happen for them mainly because the husband would not accede to the home study/preparation process and the probable requirement for him to be an at-home dad. One is going for ICSI (MF; very negative about adopting from foster care) and one for international adoption, and then there's us - currently still trying but very much in favour of adopting from foster care.

I've had several people say "why aren't you doing IVF" (no point as the success rate is no higher than we currently have either for pregnancy or, hypothetically, for miscarriage); "would you consider donor eggs" (no, mainly because although we've a strong hunch we've no evidence my eggs are genetically cr*p but also because if we're going to have children that aren't related to us genetically we don't mind if they are unrelated to both of us); "why don't you think about adopting from overseas?" (because there's no guarantee we'd get a child who was either younger or less traumatised than one from the UK - sure, some people get lucky, but so do they with UK adoption).

But then I know I do it to others. I try and bring up adoption with the ICSI couple (she works in an inner city primary school and sees the result of some bad foster care arrangements)
and the now-pregnant couple. I talk about domestic adoption to the overseas adoption couple (I think they are less concerned than us about children who don't look like they could belong genetically to one or other of us). I think I even asked the overseas adoption couple if they'd considered donor eggs, though to be fair on me as it's not a choice of ours it wasn't a validation question, it was more curiosity and possibly devil's advocate (as they'd probably be asked it in preparation).

The other thing I think we may do is, if a couple has an outcome that is good for them but would be very much second (or last) choice for us, is to feel sorry for them. We don't know if they tried things in chronological order because of the way the world is arranged, not because that's the order of their choices. The overseas adoption couple tried IVF but didn't get beyond the first scan, but for them it was really that if they wanted to try it at any point, they had to do it before adoption, as you can't do them in parallel and after adoption would be too late. I don't get the sense that it was first choice, and adoption was second, at least not after they had realised natural pregnancy wasn't happening. But I've not been privy to many people's decision-making processes in that way.

Thursday, February 07, 2008


I am very bad at making English-style (or possibly really French-style) pancakes (crêpes). I can do American style ones, probably because that's what my mother taught me to make. Because of this, I am ashamed to say, despite my foodie pretensions, that I buy ready-made ones from Sainsbury's. I was thinking at the weekend how I could accomplish this as we had a busy day on Tuesday, including some horrid dental work on Mr Spouse, who was going to need a pickup afterwards, followed by choir.

I then remembered three years ago - not to the date, but to the festival - when I went to A&E with bleeding at 10 weeks in my first pregnancy, thought everything was going to be OK, went home and had ready-made pancakes, followed by a scan the next morning revealing an empty sac. I was confident that evening that NigelandDelia would make it. Mr Spouse wasn't.

Needless to say, the last few days have not been great. Three years ago we went to an Ash Wednesday service but yesterday I stayed late at work and we forgot until we'd finished dinner, at which point it was too late. We were both annoyed - it is a very appropriate service for our mood.

I have moaned before about my choir and the requirement to attend a certain number of rehearsals if you want to sing in the concert. I like some aspects of choir but don't feel excited about going to rehearsals, and it seems to be such an effort to make the required number of rehearsals, especially as work commitments can mean I then have to go when I'm feeling under the weather (as on Tuesday when I skipped it), so I think I am giving it up. It is a fairly prestigious choir with an audition requirement, but I guess I think they have an inflated opinion of themselves and the difficulty of the music as I have been told I can't sing in concerts I have definitely felt prepared for. We'll see what they say this term as the structure of the music means I am in a very small group for some pieces.

Sorry for the moan, got that off my chest now I think!