So we now move into two months of Not Trying To, or to be more strictly accurate, Trying Not To. We have agreed on a slightly dodgy use of the Persona, namely, if we wish to be friendly on red days we will use protection, even though it tells you this is Risky, we do not really feel recent lack of success puts us in a high category of Risky.
I'm putting a positive spin on this for myself which is so far not working too badly: I can drink all I want, and all the coffee I want - which isn't that much, and I never really abstain from caffeine anyway, just try to keep it down to a cup a day, more so that withdrawal isn't too bad if I need to. (And - forgot to say this earlier - I am being a rebel on my vitamins. I think I'll find a general women's vitamin and take that as it probably will have things you can't take in pregnancy - just hate seeing the Mum To Be vitamins in the drawer).
I am also going to continue with my efforts to lose weight. At least if I started a pregnancy weighing less there would be less to lose and it would be marginally less depressing if I ended up on the sofa stuffing my face with chocolate again. And I do think being fitter has helped me get pregnant in the past - 2 of my pregnancies were when I was running and one when I was training for a long bike ride.
I've actually not been doing too badly on that - I am cycling to work at least twice a week (it is 9 hilly miles a day, people, hope you are impressed), swimming once most weeks, and concentrating a lot harder on my eating habits (I'm getting quite into Paul McKenna, which Mr Spouse teases me about no end - "I Can Make Myself Rich!") and I've lost 4lb over the last month, bringing my BMI down to just under 29.
Another post later on our foster care evening yesterday, but for now I need lunch, and Paul says eat when you are hungry. So I am following instructions.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Monday, June 09, 2008
Why do I do this to myself?
Period due today or tomorrow (most of my recent cycles have been 29 days but my breasts were sore very early 2 weeks ago so possibly today). Decided that as we're taking two months off and I had a FR test which expires next month, why not use it.
This of course causes me to wake up extra early and lie there being anxious. If I get up and test, will I be able to go back to sleep? If I don't get up and test, will I be able to go back to sleep? Are my stomach cramps due to complete inactivity in my digestive system (see, symptom spotting), the apricots I ate yesterday to ease that, or my period about to start? If I get up and test, will it wake Mr Spouse? If I tell him I'm testing, will he worry needlessly too?
So (comedy of errors begins here) I get up and pee into a specimen bottle we have in the medicine cabinet (don't ask). Go back to bed and still can't sleep. Get up and very quietly retrieve test from drawer. Dip in bottle and it is negative of course. Realise am also likely to wake Mr Spouse if I put the test box back in the drawer so decide to conceal it in spare room (his dressing room) in box of spare sheets which is on the table. Go back to bed and sleep, thankfully.
After Mr Spouse has left for work, get up and shower etc., still very tired, decide to retrieve test box and put in bin. Box of spare sheets no longer on table. Mr Spouse has tidied it away. Look under first sheet - not there. Look under second sheet - not there. Now I know it's not exactly healthy to conceal these things from one's husband, but I know he knows I do more tests than I tell him about and I know he worries just as much as me so I might as well just have one of us worrying. Look a bit harder - box still there. Box now in bin.
This of course causes me to wake up extra early and lie there being anxious. If I get up and test, will I be able to go back to sleep? If I don't get up and test, will I be able to go back to sleep? Are my stomach cramps due to complete inactivity in my digestive system (see, symptom spotting), the apricots I ate yesterday to ease that, or my period about to start? If I get up and test, will it wake Mr Spouse? If I tell him I'm testing, will he worry needlessly too?
So (comedy of errors begins here) I get up and pee into a specimen bottle we have in the medicine cabinet (don't ask). Go back to bed and still can't sleep. Get up and very quietly retrieve test from drawer. Dip in bottle and it is negative of course. Realise am also likely to wake Mr Spouse if I put the test box back in the drawer so decide to conceal it in spare room (his dressing room) in box of spare sheets which is on the table. Go back to bed and sleep, thankfully.
After Mr Spouse has left for work, get up and shower etc., still very tired, decide to retrieve test box and put in bin. Box of spare sheets no longer on table. Mr Spouse has tidied it away. Look under first sheet - not there. Look under second sheet - not there. Now I know it's not exactly healthy to conceal these things from one's husband, but I know he knows I do more tests than I tell him about and I know he worries just as much as me so I might as well just have one of us worrying. Look a bit harder - box still there. Box now in bin.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Neither a bang nor a whimper...
Which sounds like the end of something, but really was the start of our foster care course. It is a standard course used by a lot of local authorities, I won't go into masses of detail but it's not really restricted content as far as I'm aware.
The first evening, last night, was neither very exciting nor very scary, but in some ways quite reassuring. The content was very introductory, I was in fact left wanting more which is I suppose the point! The group seemed OK, mainly slightly quiet and unsure like we were, apart from one man who was loud and unsure (so Mr Spouse didn't have to tell me off for talking more than anyone else). I'm trying to play down the "I'm a child psychologist" but I've already had one person (a childminder, so also with lots of relevant experience) say "ooh, you'll be really good at this, it's all about psychology".
She probably does know what kind of psychology I do as she'll have done a lot on child development in her vocational training, and yes, I know both in theory and in practice about how to promote preschoolers' development, how to support primary age children in difficult tasks, and how to deal with a tantrum (at least, ignoring has never let me down yet!). But older children acting out, violent teenagers, depressed 10-year-olds, not so much - no more than anyone else with a small amount of common sense. And I think that's what most people mean by "child psychology".
So we felt fairly positive, and not too scared, at the end of the evening. I finally confessed to my mother what we are doing and she "thinks we are mad" but anyway, hopefully she'll be charmed round in the end - or just stay out of the way.
The first evening, last night, was neither very exciting nor very scary, but in some ways quite reassuring. The content was very introductory, I was in fact left wanting more which is I suppose the point! The group seemed OK, mainly slightly quiet and unsure like we were, apart from one man who was loud and unsure (so Mr Spouse didn't have to tell me off for talking more than anyone else). I'm trying to play down the "I'm a child psychologist" but I've already had one person (a childminder, so also with lots of relevant experience) say "ooh, you'll be really good at this, it's all about psychology".
She probably does know what kind of psychology I do as she'll have done a lot on child development in her vocational training, and yes, I know both in theory and in practice about how to promote preschoolers' development, how to support primary age children in difficult tasks, and how to deal with a tantrum (at least, ignoring has never let me down yet!). But older children acting out, violent teenagers, depressed 10-year-olds, not so much - no more than anyone else with a small amount of common sense. And I think that's what most people mean by "child psychology".
So we felt fairly positive, and not too scared, at the end of the evening. I finally confessed to my mother what we are doing and she "thinks we are mad" but anyway, hopefully she'll be charmed round in the end - or just stay out of the way.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Freecycle
Of all the unusual ways to be blindsided by a pregnancy....
WANTED
Item: Phil & Teds double buggy
Info: my 2nd baby is due in november, and my little boy will be 13m old.
(this is from our local equivalent which operates a little differently; but this is someone I know who is a student - we all thought the first one was likely to have been unplanned - as far as I know she gets no maternity pay so I'm not sure she can really have thought a second would be a good idea just now!)
WANTED
Item: Phil & Teds double buggy
Info: my 2nd baby is due in november, and my little boy will be 13m old.
(this is from our local equivalent which operates a little differently; but this is someone I know who is a student - we all thought the first one was likely to have been unplanned - as far as I know she gets no maternity pay so I'm not sure she can really have thought a second would be a good idea just now!)
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Compromise
Last week Mr Spouse and I had a bit of a barney. This coincided with me having yet another barney with my brother* so I had a couple of sleepless nights. It was started by me suggesting that he whisk me away as it was a very good night for whisking away, and him suggesting that we should not be trying to get pregnant before we go away in August. Late August! I was suggesting stopping trying when the next but one period was due - mid July; he was suggesting stopping now.
Next morning (in fact, very early, as I think we'd both been tossing and turning a bit) we both said "OK, how about a compromise - one more month". So we had, erm, an active weekend. And my calculations later proved that I was a bit optimistic - a July pregnancy would have meant going away exactly the time the last one failed - not good planning. Now, in my fantasy world where I get pregnant this cycle and it works, I'd be coming home for a short trip to the UK just in time for my 20 week scan, neatly avoiding some of the insurance issue too. I like this fantasy world as it also involves shocking my colleagues upon my arrival.
So we will see. In the meantime, we start our foster care course on Tuesday, and I'm practicing keeping my mouth shut in the face of weird analyses of child development by social workers.
*See: arrogant person who won't listen to me and must therefore be wrong; person who doesn't believe he should remind his children to say thank you; person who asked me to make an identical doll for his older daughter because she was jealous of younger daughter's birthday present, and told me I was being "perverse" when I said I would but it wouldn't be till her birthday.
Next morning (in fact, very early, as I think we'd both been tossing and turning a bit) we both said "OK, how about a compromise - one more month". So we had, erm, an active weekend. And my calculations later proved that I was a bit optimistic - a July pregnancy would have meant going away exactly the time the last one failed - not good planning. Now, in my fantasy world where I get pregnant this cycle and it works, I'd be coming home for a short trip to the UK just in time for my 20 week scan, neatly avoiding some of the insurance issue too. I like this fantasy world as it also involves shocking my colleagues upon my arrival.
So we will see. In the meantime, we start our foster care course on Tuesday, and I'm practicing keeping my mouth shut in the face of weird analyses of child development by social workers.
*See: arrogant person who won't listen to me and must therefore be wrong; person who doesn't believe he should remind his children to say thank you; person who asked me to make an identical doll for his older daughter because she was jealous of younger daughter's birthday present, and told me I was being "perverse" when I said I would but it wouldn't be till her birthday.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Tee hee
Best woman (already had one kid) of my best woman (the one who has just had the miscarriage - following me?) just had twins. That's not the funny part - no doubt far from it - she found out it was twins more or less the same day my best woman found out the first ICSI didn't work.
The birth announcement includes first and middle names for both twins and I'm going to try really hard to make this non-Googleable, but when I forwarded the names to Mr Spouse his reply was:
"T'bias C'sp'r. Poor kid!"
(the girl's name wasn't quite as bad though I thought the middle name - He.tt.ie - was actually a nickname for, I think, Hester)*
"Don't be mean. Just you wait till we are fostering Chardonnay and Wayne"
"Yeah, I can just see you yelling out the back 'Chardonnay! Your dinner's ready!'"
Has a bit more street cred, don't you think, than "Hester! Toby! Your asparagus risotto is getting cold!"?
*I hate doing this but really, really don't want this Googleable!
The birth announcement includes first and middle names for both twins and I'm going to try really hard to make this non-Googleable, but when I forwarded the names to Mr Spouse his reply was:
"T'bias C'sp'r. Poor kid!"
(the girl's name wasn't quite as bad though I thought the middle name - He.tt.ie - was actually a nickname for, I think, Hester)*
"Don't be mean. Just you wait till we are fostering Chardonnay and Wayne"
"Yeah, I can just see you yelling out the back 'Chardonnay! Your dinner's ready!'"
Has a bit more street cred, don't you think, than "Hester! Toby! Your asparagus risotto is getting cold!"?
*I hate doing this but really, really don't want this Googleable!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Desperately sad news
My friends S & J who got married the same year as us have been doing ICSI (I related that already) - they had a fresh cycle last year, and it failed but they got about 6 frozen embryos. A few weeks ago she found out she was pregnant with two of the three they had to defrost - but I just got an email yesterday to say the pregnancy had failed. I felt a real shock when reading the email.
Understandably she doesn't feel like talking about it - I've written a card and am sending chocolate - I have said if she has any questions, or needs to get away, just ask.
I know they will have another round of frozen embryos (possibly two if they all work - they will only transfer two at a time here if you are under 40) but I am pretty sure there is no more ICSI after that, and that they can't afford any more.
But I think what I am really wondering is, how much do I actually understand her situation? I imagine it must be even more awful to lose a pregnancy after IVF, but what do I really know?
So, tell me, dear readers - if you know - what is it like? Is it different if you have had both types of losses? What if that's the only pregnancy you've had? Do you think that is worse than having, but losing, several pregnancies?
Understandably she doesn't feel like talking about it - I've written a card and am sending chocolate - I have said if she has any questions, or needs to get away, just ask.
I know they will have another round of frozen embryos (possibly two if they all work - they will only transfer two at a time here if you are under 40) but I am pretty sure there is no more ICSI after that, and that they can't afford any more.
But I think what I am really wondering is, how much do I actually understand her situation? I imagine it must be even more awful to lose a pregnancy after IVF, but what do I really know?
So, tell me, dear readers - if you know - what is it like? Is it different if you have had both types of losses? What if that's the only pregnancy you've had? Do you think that is worse than having, but losing, several pregnancies?
Friday, May 16, 2008
Not having a good day/week/month
Went to the acupuncturist this morning, who always asks me how I'm feeling about it when my period has started. Well, you kind of get used to it, you know. I don't know if she expects to magically fix me, or what, or if she's just trying to be sympathetic. But to be honest I'm not feeling that great. This time last year I was pregnant, and it was the most hopeful ever, and then it failed, and it's nearly the anniversary.
The GP says my progesterone level "indicates I'm ovulating", which I kind of guessed (even before having the test), and there's nothing more to do "since I've already been investigated thoroughly". I could probably push for more but frankly can't be *rs*d.
And I have a load of stuff to do at work, none of which is overwhelming individually, but I also have stuff to get ready before we go to the US in August, and finding insurance etc. just reminds me every time we look at pre-existing conditions or pregnancy clauses. Fortunately the one for me from the university is pretty generous and specifically includes pregnancy, or excludes pregnancy and its complications from its exclusions if you see what I mean - but Mr Spouse and I both need cancellation insurance for our travel and for other trips beforehand and these are more mean - sad emails have been going back and forth this afternoon.
I've been working on a paper today, and just pottering around, but I have loads of marking to do, and I could honestly have spent the entire day doing much nicer things like taking photos of my crafts etc. And if I don't get my marking done tonight I'm going to be doing that tomorrow instead of taking photos etc., going to my knitting group, going for a walk, the things I want to do. And I promised a couple of other people bits and pieces this week, which I haven't done...
And I feel like the last man standing in the world of People Trying To Get Pregnant On The Internet (which should tell me something about where I'm going wrong, shouldn't it?). But don't go away, just don't worry if I'm a bit quiet on your blog.
The GP says my progesterone level "indicates I'm ovulating", which I kind of guessed (even before having the test), and there's nothing more to do "since I've already been investigated thoroughly". I could probably push for more but frankly can't be *rs*d.
And I have a load of stuff to do at work, none of which is overwhelming individually, but I also have stuff to get ready before we go to the US in August, and finding insurance etc. just reminds me every time we look at pre-existing conditions or pregnancy clauses. Fortunately the one for me from the university is pretty generous and specifically includes pregnancy, or excludes pregnancy and its complications from its exclusions if you see what I mean - but Mr Spouse and I both need cancellation insurance for our travel and for other trips beforehand and these are more mean - sad emails have been going back and forth this afternoon.
I've been working on a paper today, and just pottering around, but I have loads of marking to do, and I could honestly have spent the entire day doing much nicer things like taking photos of my crafts etc. And if I don't get my marking done tonight I'm going to be doing that tomorrow instead of taking photos etc., going to my knitting group, going for a walk, the things I want to do. And I promised a couple of other people bits and pieces this week, which I haven't done...
And I feel like the last man standing in the world of People Trying To Get Pregnant On The Internet (which should tell me something about where I'm going wrong, shouldn't it?). But don't go away, just don't worry if I'm a bit quiet on your blog.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Tedious
So sorry that all my posts seem to be about me starting my period, or at least seem to include that information. What can I say, I don't have much to talk about.
I've just had a minor row with Mr Spouse, not really "about" anything except that we are both frazzled and tired, him because of a long day, me because of not sleeping well last night. I really need to sleep, and not fret and lie awake in bed like I did last night, over nothing in particular.
I've just had a minor row with Mr Spouse, not really "about" anything except that we are both frazzled and tired, him because of a long day, me because of not sleeping well last night. I really need to sleep, and not fret and lie awake in bed like I did last night, over nothing in particular.
Step away from the Google
Not a huge issue really... Having been at a conference over the weekend (small, v. friendly, finally came out to my best gal-work-pal about the miscarriages and also to a woman who I know slightly less but who has been having a very difficult first trimester, and who started chatting to me about how badly informed she felt and how she got the impression she was just supposed to go away and put up with hyperemesis), I only just got a chance to call about my progesterone test. I think it was 28 (maybe 20!) which seems to be high? high normal? Anyway I'm not looking now, but have a telephone appointment with the GP on Thursday. I don't think she'll have any answers, though.
Of course this morning just as I surreptitiously put a small sample of FMU in the medicine cabinet (I wiped the bottle, don't worry) I noticed my period had started. I think I'm feeling extra bad about this one as it's the anniversary of my last miscarriage at the end of this month, and I can't help feeling sad about that, as well as worrying I won't have any more pregnancies either.
It felt really good to come out to C, who knew there were some "issues" but not really what they were. I've been kind of trying to tell her for a while, it just has been hard to bring it up - she started talking about her brother (who is an obstetrician) getting her sister-in-law in for extra scans so it finally seemed natural to bring it up - I related how Mr Spouse forgot that "normal people" don't get a scan till 12 weeks.
It was also good to rant about being told to "go away and come back when you are 12 weeks" to D. I don't know if D has any fertility issues but she is definitely a non-smug fertile - she says "I'm hoping to go on maternity leave in November". Other Smug Lady Who Is Convinced Everything Is Pregnancy Or Child-Related said "D will be on maternity leave". She also said "ooh, my hair went curly once I had been pregnant". Well, my hair went curly in my 30s, before any pregnancies, but of course she didn't listen to my theory. D is in a study of stress (I think) and pregnancy, and we discussed my wild idea of planning research into CBT and miscarriage. I don't think this would be a good area for me to research as I don't know anything about CBT (other than "it's a good thing") but I'm just wondering if I might ask the GP to refer me again to a different psychologist (I suspect scary shirt man will have moved on by now).
Of course this morning just as I surreptitiously put a small sample of FMU in the medicine cabinet (I wiped the bottle, don't worry) I noticed my period had started. I think I'm feeling extra bad about this one as it's the anniversary of my last miscarriage at the end of this month, and I can't help feeling sad about that, as well as worrying I won't have any more pregnancies either.
It felt really good to come out to C, who knew there were some "issues" but not really what they were. I've been kind of trying to tell her for a while, it just has been hard to bring it up - she started talking about her brother (who is an obstetrician) getting her sister-in-law in for extra scans so it finally seemed natural to bring it up - I related how Mr Spouse forgot that "normal people" don't get a scan till 12 weeks.
It was also good to rant about being told to "go away and come back when you are 12 weeks" to D. I don't know if D has any fertility issues but she is definitely a non-smug fertile - she says "I'm hoping to go on maternity leave in November". Other Smug Lady Who Is Convinced Everything Is Pregnancy Or Child-Related said "D will be on maternity leave". She also said "ooh, my hair went curly once I had been pregnant". Well, my hair went curly in my 30s, before any pregnancies, but of course she didn't listen to my theory. D is in a study of stress (I think) and pregnancy, and we discussed my wild idea of planning research into CBT and miscarriage. I don't think this would be a good area for me to research as I don't know anything about CBT (other than "it's a good thing") but I'm just wondering if I might ask the GP to refer me again to a different psychologist (I suspect scary shirt man will have moved on by now).
Friday, May 02, 2008
Privilege
I'm afraid I'm jumping on geepeemum's bandwagon with this one... it seemed intriguing.
1. Father went to college.
My dad has a degree from Oxbridge as well as a PhD ditto. I suspect my father is a tiny bit disappointed only one of his children went to his old college and that my PhD is from The Other Oxbridge.2.Father finished college.
See above
3.Mother went to college.
Ivy League - one where, at the time she went there, there were separate women's and men's institutions.
4.Mother finished college.
Ditto. She has been heard to express regret at being the only person in her immediate family who only has a BSc - her father and brother, ex-husband (my dad) and two children all have PhDs, and her mother had a Masters.
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.
My paternal grandfather, and his father, were doctors. My maternal grandfather, maternal uncle, and father, are all academics (only my maternal grandfather I think is "professor" as my dad didn't get that high and my maternal uncle is in a research institution so I'm not sure of his title - but what they call professors in the US, certainly). Sundry other academic relatives, too.
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.
As my mother at the time was a secondary school teacher, and several children of the teachers were at my school, I'm guessing the same.
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.
Many more
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
Probably yes. Oddly I don't think we do now, as I'm trying to be better at decluttering. I keep special books, and easily available ones that I think I'll read again soon, and get rid of the rest.
9. Were read children’s books by a parent.
Yes, until I could read myself, and even then my dad read us big book series - Narnia, Swallows and Amazons.
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18.
I'm assuming this means music/dance etc. rather than "going to school and having lessons" - in which case yes - lots of music, some ballet but I was rubbish at that.
11.Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18.
Three musical instruments (piano, flute, bassoon) and ballet.
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively.
Possibly, apart from the "absent-minded boffin" stereotype
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18.
I think I'd heard of other children having a credit card when I was a child, but only in films.
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
Fees from the Local Authority, and grant from my parents for the first 4 years (I dithered) and then half parental money and half grant in the last year as my brother was also at university that year.
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
Not in my last year, and not for my PhD - not a penny for that, in fact - thank you, MRC.
16. Went to a private high school
Yes - I was due to start secondary school a couple of years after a big change to the school system - my dad who had been to private school (well, actually "public school") would have pushed for this anyway and my mum didn't resist much.
17. Went to summer camp
Unless Guide camp, or a few days at day camp in the US count, no.
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18
I was a swot and didn't need tutoring, plus my dad is a hard scientist and could help with some of the basic stuff.
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels
I think so - at least, I am pretty sure we had a skiing holiday in a hotel once when I was about 13, and a few nights in hotels on our way to and from places. Although some of them may have been motels. Mostly we went self-catering or stayed with relatives or friends, though. My family don't camp and definitely don't stay in caravans, although strangely there appears to be a picture of me aged 1 in wellies and nappy outside a caravan but perhaps it belonged to a friend of the family.
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18.
No way, and are you kidding? Although I'm the oldest child and the second-oldest girl cousin, I still got a lot of my clothes from that cousin, and even a few from the boy cousin who's a couple of months older (but quite hefty). I'm not too sure any of my baby/young child clothes came from charity shops but as soon as I started having my own clothes budget, aged about 14, I was a regular - so much so that I started working in one and got a discount. My mother is a seamstress and knitter and one of the jumpers she made me was then my brother's
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
The first car I owned was a 1969 Beetle (so, 2 years younger than me) when I last lived in the US, at the age of 31 (meanly, Mr Spouse won't let me get another one when we go this year). The first car I bought in this country was however new.
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.
Yes - prints done by a family friend who makes a living from her art (so, not famous, but definitely professional) and lots of historic stuff.
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house.
I think this means detached, rather than "not a flat" but I'm not entirely sure. We lived in a whole house, but it was terraced.
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
Yes - they bought it just before I was born for about £3000 and it had mushrooms in the basement!
25. You had your own room as a child
When I was about 10 the attic was converted to be my room. I chose the wallpaper - pink flowers, of course.
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18
I'm not sure we had more than one phone in the house before I left home.
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course
I'm assuming this is some kind of college preparation course. We did have special lessons at school for those taking the Oxbridge exams, but within school time.
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school.
We only had one telly in the house, and my parents still have one each (as they live in different houses now...)
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college.
I had a building society account but I don't think that counts!
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16.
First flew to the US to visit my grandparents when I was 3 months old. I think my childhood carbon footprint must have been horrendous.
31. Went on a cruise with your family.
Don't think the overnight ferry to Denmark counts.
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family.
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up.
Yes, lots, and I do remember being bored at times!
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family
I wasn't aware though was probably told to turn the radiator down sometimes, and until we moved into this house I lived in small flats/houses (the largest being a small mid-terrace). We now live in a large end-of-terrace that is probably similar in heating costs to my parents' house and good grief, the heating bills. Thankfully double glazing should come soon.
22/34. Slightly higher than geepeemum but in that ballpark. I think some of these are either more common in the UK (private school is a bit more common, museums and art galleries are very accessible) or vanishingly rare here (cruises, children having their own phone lines)
*The original authors of this exercise are Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, and Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. If you participate, they ask that you PLEASE acknowledge their copyright.
[This was written ages ago but I never published it, I hope I've got the formatting at least slightly OK]Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Car crash
Someone tell me, why am I compelled to watch/read these things?
In Mr Spouse's diabetes magazine, alongside the ads for stairlifts and bath hoists and comfy shoes, they have Real Life Stories. We read them, shocked ("She went blind at 19! He died of a hypo on his wedding day!"). This month was the story of a woman had seven miscarriages and two stillbirths. Now, diabetes increases the likelihood of miscarriage and stillbirth, and I have nothing for admiration for people who are, so to speak, further along in their allotted number of miscarriages (and possibly who can get pregnant more quickly than me), but in this case I didn't feel sympathy or admiration, or even glad that it wasn't me. It just made me angry. This woman wasn't controlling her diabetes, wasn't even really attempting to - she was in denial that she had diabetes, essentially.
Today I got home a bit early and was flicking through the offerings Tivo had decided we'd like when I came across Britain's Youngest Grannies. Another car crash - two who were upset their daughters had followed them by being teenage mothers (and in both cases the mother was 18 or 20 when their daughter was born while the daughter got pregnant at 15); and one who was pleased, and thought 25 was too old to be a mother. Then I turned off.
Anyway to get to my point, I was home early because of going to the GP who assured me I had no lumps in my breasts, that some pain at all points in the cycle is relatively common ("wear a supportive bra, take ibuprofen at the start of the cycle" - well, I am a 34F, so I know about supportive bras, thanks), and that there wasn't much point in doing day 2/3 FSH etc. - I definitely don't have PCOS, and I don't have any menopausal symptoms, and it wouldn't be a result I could do anything about, but that is worth repeating the day 21 progesterone. I am still pretty sure I am ovulating each month, but we'll see. I don't know if she'd be in favour of Clomid "just in case", if she'd give me it without sending me to the local hospital, or if she'll decide to refer me if the day 21 test is normal. I didn't get round to ringing the miscarriage clinic, and to be honest I think the local gynae will do another round of fertility investigations just as competently as they will (in fact she used to work with them), and will be easier to get to.
Oh, I forgot the best bit - she said "after all, you're only 41".
In Mr Spouse's diabetes magazine, alongside the ads for stairlifts and bath hoists and comfy shoes, they have Real Life Stories. We read them, shocked ("She went blind at 19! He died of a hypo on his wedding day!"). This month was the story of a woman had seven miscarriages and two stillbirths. Now, diabetes increases the likelihood of miscarriage and stillbirth, and I have nothing for admiration for people who are, so to speak, further along in their allotted number of miscarriages (and possibly who can get pregnant more quickly than me), but in this case I didn't feel sympathy or admiration, or even glad that it wasn't me. It just made me angry. This woman wasn't controlling her diabetes, wasn't even really attempting to - she was in denial that she had diabetes, essentially.
Today I got home a bit early and was flicking through the offerings Tivo had decided we'd like when I came across Britain's Youngest Grannies. Another car crash - two who were upset their daughters had followed them by being teenage mothers (and in both cases the mother was 18 or 20 when their daughter was born while the daughter got pregnant at 15); and one who was pleased, and thought 25 was too old to be a mother. Then I turned off.
Anyway to get to my point, I was home early because of going to the GP who assured me I had no lumps in my breasts, that some pain at all points in the cycle is relatively common ("wear a supportive bra, take ibuprofen at the start of the cycle" - well, I am a 34F, so I know about supportive bras, thanks), and that there wasn't much point in doing day 2/3 FSH etc. - I definitely don't have PCOS, and I don't have any menopausal symptoms, and it wouldn't be a result I could do anything about, but that is worth repeating the day 21 progesterone. I am still pretty sure I am ovulating each month, but we'll see. I don't know if she'd be in favour of Clomid "just in case", if she'd give me it without sending me to the local hospital, or if she'll decide to refer me if the day 21 test is normal. I didn't get round to ringing the miscarriage clinic, and to be honest I think the local gynae will do another round of fertility investigations just as competently as they will (in fact she used to work with them), and will be easier to get to.
Oh, I forgot the best bit - she said "after all, you're only 41".
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Yes, no, yes, no, yes...
That's more about our state of indecision and panic than in any particular order about decisions:
I didn't get my grant (boo) which means I'm going to have to bash away at several other grants (boo) in order to eventually get promotion (boo/hooray) and to have any chance, alternatively, of applying for another job. But it means that we are sorted as to what we are doing: we are going to Southern California for 8 months in August (hooray).
After dithering with Mr Spouse and dithering with the acupuncturist (who pointed out quite rightly that I don't have much time to be doing tests) but also getting increasingly irritated (boo) with the 3-4 days of somewhat tender boobs at the start of my cycle (not as tender as before my period, not tender enough to give me any thoughts of pregnancy, but tender enough to be very annoying), I decided to book in to see the GP. Mr Spouse wasn't too keen on the whole idea of more tests as he knows me very well ("you are just hoping they'll find something they can fix, I know you, and you know they won't") but was swayed by the "new symptom" card. I'm seeing the nice female GP who signed me off for four weeks after the last miscarriage, next week.
I'm going to try and call the clinic nurse, too, though as they are a) miscarriage not infertility for the most part and b) a long way away and c) a tertiary referral centre, I may need to get the primary-to-secondary referral anyway.
Both Mr Spouse and the acupuncturist (I'm regretting sending him to see her as I envisage them ganging up on me now...) asked what if I got pregnant before we went away. Mr Spouse and I had a little chat about it and I think we are both happier - if I was more than 12 weeks pregnant, I think we'd be confident to travel and would probably spend a few months there anyway (it would be nice to be preparing for leave, away from people who wanted a piece of me before I vanished!). If I was, say, 10 weeks pregnant we'd delay until we were more sure. If I got to the point where I could be 6 weeks pregnant at the time we left, I'd be the first one to call a break for a month. And if I found out I was pregnant while we were there, my medical insurance covers pregnancy.
I didn't get my grant (boo) which means I'm going to have to bash away at several other grants (boo) in order to eventually get promotion (boo/hooray) and to have any chance, alternatively, of applying for another job. But it means that we are sorted as to what we are doing: we are going to Southern California for 8 months in August (hooray).
After dithering with Mr Spouse and dithering with the acupuncturist (who pointed out quite rightly that I don't have much time to be doing tests) but also getting increasingly irritated (boo) with the 3-4 days of somewhat tender boobs at the start of my cycle (not as tender as before my period, not tender enough to give me any thoughts of pregnancy, but tender enough to be very annoying), I decided to book in to see the GP. Mr Spouse wasn't too keen on the whole idea of more tests as he knows me very well ("you are just hoping they'll find something they can fix, I know you, and you know they won't") but was swayed by the "new symptom" card. I'm seeing the nice female GP who signed me off for four weeks after the last miscarriage, next week.
I'm going to try and call the clinic nurse, too, though as they are a) miscarriage not infertility for the most part and b) a long way away and c) a tertiary referral centre, I may need to get the primary-to-secondary referral anyway.
Both Mr Spouse and the acupuncturist (I'm regretting sending him to see her as I envisage them ganging up on me now...) asked what if I got pregnant before we went away. Mr Spouse and I had a little chat about it and I think we are both happier - if I was more than 12 weeks pregnant, I think we'd be confident to travel and would probably spend a few months there anyway (it would be nice to be preparing for leave, away from people who wanted a piece of me before I vanished!). If I was, say, 10 weeks pregnant we'd delay until we were more sure. If I got to the point where I could be 6 weeks pregnant at the time we left, I'd be the first one to call a break for a month. And if I found out I was pregnant while we were there, my medical insurance covers pregnancy.
Friday, April 18, 2008
You've got spam
I had a hugely long spam comment on one of my posts last night (it was a long post, and the spam was about 4x the length of the post). I've deleted it, but if anyone has any clues about how to deal with these - I think I'm probably quite lucky with just the one in 3 years.
I realised this morning that this is the longest I've lived in one dwelling and the longest I've been in one job/course of study since leaving school. Time for a move I think. I'm waiting to hear about the grant which will decide where we go for about 8-9 months, and when, but we are definitely going somewhere. I think Mr Spouse is more anxious than I am because his new job is continuing to bore him rigid.
I realised this morning that this is the longest I've lived in one dwelling and the longest I've been in one job/course of study since leaving school. Time for a move I think. I'm waiting to hear about the grant which will decide where we go for about 8-9 months, and when, but we are definitely going somewhere. I think Mr Spouse is more anxious than I am because his new job is continuing to bore him rigid.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Himself
Although he is, in general, Mr Sceptical, he has agreed with absolutely no argument to go to the acupuncturist when she next has a Saturday morning space. Isn't he nice? I think it should help his shoulder too, and she is a no-nonsense nurse so I think she won't tell him any guff about changing his diet and curing his diabetes, either. I went to a yoga class while on holiday and the teacher was waffling at the start about Ayurvedic medicine and how Western medicine has killed more than it has cured and I bit my tongue and didn't say "like my husband, you mean?".
He may get a bit suspicious if she tells him about the "more beans and pulses, lots of veg" as we had falafel burgers last night and he actually quite liked them...
It is nearly our fourth anniversary and I think I'm finally getting over the shock of being married, and becoming largely comfortable with it. I just ordered his present - it's "fruits and flowers" and he's allergic to most scented flowers, but aha! Hops are a flower, are they not? So he's getting this: not that he's a beginner but it only has one of each in case he doesn't like any of them. I've left an annotated Bravissimo catalogue lying around. I am not sure if he's being dense or subtle but he claimed not to have spotted it so I will have to put it in a more prominent place. I believe in having some surprises but also in getting presents that I actually want!
He may get a bit suspicious if she tells him about the "more beans and pulses, lots of veg" as we had falafel burgers last night and he actually quite liked them...
It is nearly our fourth anniversary and I think I'm finally getting over the shock of being married, and becoming largely comfortable with it. I just ordered his present - it's "fruits and flowers" and he's allergic to most scented flowers, but aha! Hops are a flower, are they not? So he's getting this: not that he's a beginner but it only has one of each in case he doesn't like any of them. I've left an annotated Bravissimo catalogue lying around. I am not sure if he's being dense or subtle but he claimed not to have spotted it so I will have to put it in a more prominent place. I believe in having some surprises but also in getting presents that I actually want!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Would it be worth....
asking if the GP/local gynae/miscarriage clinic (as they are a general gynae clinic too) would do another day 3 FSH for me? Or getting one of those pee sticks**? As this is now about my 10th cycle. It's 2 years since my last FSH, which was 6 I seem to remember (just looking it up*). They might also suggest an HSG as none of the other factors are likely to have changed but they did a lap and dye after about 9 months without conception before, and I don't think I'm even slightly at risk of endo now (since I had none before, and no different symptoms). It just struck me that they might also want to redo the SA.
It doesn't seem worth them doing the LH (though they probably would - but all my Persona sticks are negative until at least day 14) or progesterone (as otherwise why would my boobs be hellish from about day 18 to about day 28?), but FSH might have changed.
Or would it just be really frustrating if the FSH was impossibly high, as we don't even know when we are going abroad (or in fact where, which is what determines when) and therefore when we'd come back and be able to move on to adoption - and the earliest it would be is a year from now? and therefore the plan has so far been just keep at it for the next year?
I have had a couple of random "will be nice when I can stop taking folate and vitamins pointlessly every bloomin' morning" thoughts and even one "should we just stop trying now, perhaps I'd feel better". I think the day may come when I actually feel OK about giving up (even if it's for a year or so) on trying to get pregnant. I'm not sure I actually felt it would be OK before - just that it would be necessary.
*It was 7.
**Edited for complete clarity - it would not be because of cost if I got a pee stick as all of this would be done on the NHS, and they have been very good about not making me wait too long for things, too. And I'm not sure if those FSH pee sticks are supposed to be that great, anyway - aren't they supposed to only tell you "sorry, luv, menopause all over"? The question is would the information actually help anything?
It doesn't seem worth them doing the LH (though they probably would - but all my Persona sticks are negative until at least day 14) or progesterone (as otherwise why would my boobs be hellish from about day 18 to about day 28?), but FSH might have changed.
Or would it just be really frustrating if the FSH was impossibly high, as we don't even know when we are going abroad (or in fact where, which is what determines when) and therefore when we'd come back and be able to move on to adoption - and the earliest it would be is a year from now? and therefore the plan has so far been just keep at it for the next year?
I have had a couple of random "will be nice when I can stop taking folate and vitamins pointlessly every bloomin' morning" thoughts and even one "should we just stop trying now, perhaps I'd feel better". I think the day may come when I actually feel OK about giving up (even if it's for a year or so) on trying to get pregnant. I'm not sure I actually felt it would be OK before - just that it would be necessary.
*It was 7.
**Edited for complete clarity - it would not be because of cost if I got a pee stick as all of this would be done on the NHS, and they have been very good about not making me wait too long for things, too. And I'm not sure if those FSH pee sticks are supposed to be that great, anyway - aren't they supposed to only tell you "sorry, luv, menopause all over"? The question is would the information actually help anything?
Friday, April 11, 2008
Next
We've been invited to go on the foster carers' course - it's not till June, but at least that means we can be sure we'll be able to go, and it's something to look forward to. I think even if I do get pregnant again before then we'll go anyway. I am not completely sure how positive Mr Spouse feels about this, but he didn't say "no point in doing that, is there, as we won't finish our approval before we go abroad" - instead he agreed with me that we might just squeeze it in or alternatively we might do part of it.
I'm happy to say my powers of magical thinking aren't what they were, and all was well at Slightly Annoying But Friendly Couple's scan. Sadly (oh how gutted I am) this will mean no more joint skiing trips with them. Equally surprisingly (not) is that there was no mention of the twins they were sure it was when we saw them last week. Him: "you've put on SO much weight dear, it MUST be twins" Her: "Harumph".
Me to her later "It's mainly fluid, you know you need the extra blood, twins are pretty rare you know". Her to me: "Oh, but they run in the family" Me: "What, your family?" Her: "No, there's one pair of twins in his family". Erm, don't think that counts... Other thing I did not say: "You know your chance of a miscarriage even at 13 weeks is greater than your chance of twins?"
I'm very well behaved, aren't I?
I'm happy to say my powers of magical thinking aren't what they were, and all was well at Slightly Annoying But Friendly Couple's scan. Sadly (oh how gutted I am) this will mean no more joint skiing trips with them. Equally surprisingly (not) is that there was no mention of the twins they were sure it was when we saw them last week. Him: "you've put on SO much weight dear, it MUST be twins" Her: "Harumph".
Me to her later "It's mainly fluid, you know you need the extra blood, twins are pretty rare you know". Her to me: "Oh, but they run in the family" Me: "What, your family?" Her: "No, there's one pair of twins in his family". Erm, don't think that counts... Other thing I did not say: "You know your chance of a miscarriage even at 13 weeks is greater than your chance of twins?"
I'm very well behaved, aren't I?
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Back last night from our holiday - I did have internet while away (thank you to whoever didn't secure their Netgear box in the apartment block) but as my laptop was monopolised the whole time by Mr Spouse and, mainly the wife (but also the husband) of the couple we were with who needed to check Facebook hourly, and play Scrabble, and I didn't really want anyone looking over my shoulder while I blogged, no updates. But I have been reading. I think everyone managed without me.
Now, you may be detecting a tiny bit of resentment towards said wife. I am now going to totally exaggerate everything that is wrong with her in order to gain loads of sympathy from my dear readers. This is the couple made up of Mr Spouse's best man and his wife, who've been trying to get pregnant for (as far as I can work out) nearly 4 years - pretty much since they got married. They'd had 3 unsuccessful IUIs and were about to consider taking a break since the husband needed to go on a medicine that apparently causes birth defects (now I am not sure this is possible, since it's never been listed in all those Scare Story What Not To Do when you are TTC lists, but this is the woman who hasn't eaten blue cheese for 2 weeks every month for 4 years). Guess when they chose to tell us she was pregnant? That's right, the first evening of our holiday, when I'd just found out the activity I'd been longing to do had finished for the season an hour previously*. Obviously I am very happy for them. But.
This is also the wife that is "allergic" to everything in sight - not just the few things that lots of people can't have but are easily avoidable, but some of those ingredients that sneak into everything, and which I am pretty confident occur naturally in a lot of foods (funnily, she can eat those) and who is therefore a nightmare to shop and cook for. Add to that pregnancy restrictions ("darling, I don't think you can eat this pasta sauce, it says it has sheep's milk in it") and an unwillingness to go out to a restaurant that had main courses listed at about £10-£15 (they live in SE England, we are not sure whether they ever go out to dinner at home, and you should have seen the prices of lift passes!), and constantly telling us how she couldn't use the hot tub, what baby-related gifts she was going to buy her husband for his birthday present, how she kept having to email her parents to say she was still OK, worrying about falling over**, telling me she couldn't have a manicure "because they want to do something with your fingernails at the booking appointment" etc. etc.
She wasn't really that bad, in fact I think her husband fusses over her more (in general as well as now she is pregnant) and only moaned about the couple of infections she'd picked up rather than about pregnancy-related sickness, but you can appreciate that 10 days of this did not a relaxing holiday make.
I was very, very good and resisted telling her that when she went for her scan it was totally possible that there would be an empty sac. Hope you are all very proud of me. Now I feel mean as they were supposed to contact us when they had the scan and they should be back now, and no news, but then they do have all their Facebook contacts to update. And I may have offended her (though I think she understood) by asking for no pictures.
*Fortunately Mr Spouse is very very nice to me and we worked out it was cheaper to hire a car and go elsewhere where it was still happening, than for me to pay for a lift pass all week and ski with them and be miserable, and he even came with me and learned new things for part of the week.
**I had briefly considered what if I was pregnant on this holiday, and falling over didn't really bother me, but I thought I would probably sit on the sofa and watch DVDs/potter about on snowshoes/go shopping if I had been, not because of falling, but because of the exercise often being quite vigorous.
Now, you may be detecting a tiny bit of resentment towards said wife. I am now going to totally exaggerate everything that is wrong with her in order to gain loads of sympathy from my dear readers. This is the couple made up of Mr Spouse's best man and his wife, who've been trying to get pregnant for (as far as I can work out) nearly 4 years - pretty much since they got married. They'd had 3 unsuccessful IUIs and were about to consider taking a break since the husband needed to go on a medicine that apparently causes birth defects (now I am not sure this is possible, since it's never been listed in all those Scare Story What Not To Do when you are TTC lists, but this is the woman who hasn't eaten blue cheese for 2 weeks every month for 4 years). Guess when they chose to tell us she was pregnant? That's right, the first evening of our holiday, when I'd just found out the activity I'd been longing to do had finished for the season an hour previously*. Obviously I am very happy for them. But.
This is also the wife that is "allergic" to everything in sight - not just the few things that lots of people can't have but are easily avoidable, but some of those ingredients that sneak into everything, and which I am pretty confident occur naturally in a lot of foods (funnily, she can eat those) and who is therefore a nightmare to shop and cook for. Add to that pregnancy restrictions ("darling, I don't think you can eat this pasta sauce, it says it has sheep's milk in it") and an unwillingness to go out to a restaurant that had main courses listed at about £10-£15 (they live in SE England, we are not sure whether they ever go out to dinner at home, and you should have seen the prices of lift passes!), and constantly telling us how she couldn't use the hot tub, what baby-related gifts she was going to buy her husband for his birthday present, how she kept having to email her parents to say she was still OK, worrying about falling over**, telling me she couldn't have a manicure "because they want to do something with your fingernails at the booking appointment" etc. etc.
She wasn't really that bad, in fact I think her husband fusses over her more (in general as well as now she is pregnant) and only moaned about the couple of infections she'd picked up rather than about pregnancy-related sickness, but you can appreciate that 10 days of this did not a relaxing holiday make.
I was very, very good and resisted telling her that when she went for her scan it was totally possible that there would be an empty sac. Hope you are all very proud of me. Now I feel mean as they were supposed to contact us when they had the scan and they should be back now, and no news, but then they do have all their Facebook contacts to update. And I may have offended her (though I think she understood) by asking for no pictures.
*Fortunately Mr Spouse is very very nice to me and we worked out it was cheaper to hire a car and go elsewhere where it was still happening, than for me to pay for a lift pass all week and ski with them and be miserable, and he even came with me and learned new things for part of the week.
**I had briefly considered what if I was pregnant on this holiday, and falling over didn't really bother me, but I thought I would probably sit on the sofa and watch DVDs/potter about on snowshoes/go shopping if I had been, not because of falling, but because of the exercise often being quite vigorous.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Is it really bad...
that one reason I was hoping I'd be pregnant is so I can be a bit more relaxed about the timing of, erm, activity? We don't do too badly, our minimum average per month I'd say was about twice a week, and although I do use Persona or sometimes OPK thingys I mainly do them so I know when the second half of my cycle starts as that's fairly predictable, the first half only varying by 1 or at most 3 days but it all helps in the Keep Calm enterprise. I'm not really into timing, more into quantity.
But an average of twice a week conceals a large range (from zero to, therefore, 4 or more) and sometimes I do feel like zero and if that's the second week of my cycle, well, I do feel like I've wasted one more month.
In slightly brighter news, the social worker I'd been muttering about ("where's this preparation course, we've been waiting ages, has she just forgotten about us, does she think people don't have lives and don't need any notice") actually hadn't told us the dates for this month's course because... it's next month. It won't be in the school holidays so it has to be logically after we get back from our skiing trip. Yes, we are a childless couple who goes on lots of foreign holidays. No clichés here.
But an average of twice a week conceals a large range (from zero to, therefore, 4 or more) and sometimes I do feel like zero and if that's the second week of my cycle, well, I do feel like I've wasted one more month.
In slightly brighter news, the social worker I'd been muttering about ("where's this preparation course, we've been waiting ages, has she just forgotten about us, does she think people don't have lives and don't need any notice") actually hadn't told us the dates for this month's course because... it's next month. It won't be in the school holidays so it has to be logically after we get back from our skiing trip. Yes, we are a childless couple who goes on lots of foreign holidays. No clichés here.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Trigger-happy versus gun-shy
Why is it that on day 28 I can get up, think "yeah, why not test" and go ahead and do it without any premeditation, but on day 30 I spend half the night agonising about whether or not to test? Both negative, of course. And my period started later today, of course.
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