Hollywood

Mr Spouse is quite good at taking arty photos.

Tanzania - Small airplane

After losing my passport I had to get it replaced in Nairobi, which meant we had to leave our safari early and fly back instead of driving. This is the plane. Reassuring, no?

Tanzania - Ngorongoro crater

One of the biggest concentrations of large mammals on the planet.

Tanzania - Coffee growing area

It is truly gorgeous here. I had my passport stolen also but it does serve me right for leaving it lying around in the hotel lounge.

Back in the saddle

We interrupt your photostream to bring you other news.

At home, I cycle to and from work - about 4 and a bit miles, and quite hilly - a couple of times a week. I'm organised with clothing and cycle in bike clothes, change in the office, put on makeup etc. I got a bike back in September, probably, but then I didn't have a bike rack or a basket and then after that I had pleurisy (which is NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS though still quite painful). I feel fully restored now, touch wood.

So I finally got to ride the bike home from work yesterday. I didn't ride all the way to work as it's 6 miles up a very very steep hill, I rode about a mile and a half and then put the bike on the bus - a very good invention, in the UK you can if you are lucky put your bike inside small trains but not usually trams and definitely not buses - to go up the hill.

I wasn't entirely sure if I was going to ride home though as I had a lot to carry home and it is very very steep (did I say it's steep?) and it's pretty dark on the less busy road, and pretty busy on the less dark road. But I braved it and I was mighty glad I did. , Once I'd ridden home down the hill which is the first couple of miles of the ride home, the downtown part of our little suburb - we live the other side of downtown - was completely solid with traffic as a water main had burst. Oh how smug I felt, asking the nice man in the high-visi vest if I could push my bike round the corner, and walking past the traffic.

Then of course my light failed halfway home as I hadn't charged it enough. Grr. And my legs hurt. But very steep downhill with brakes on all the way, plus more up and down than I thought in downtown, meant a 6.5 mile journey still only took 50 minutes. Not too shabby.

Next up: Dr Spouse starts running again. Watch out, neighbourhood.

Tanzania - Lake Manyara

There is a very small giraffe in the distance, honest.

Tanzania - Coast Region

This is on the beach in the town where I lived for 2 years. You can basically see this view from my old house.

Zanzibar - Sunset from Beit-al-Ajab

Sorry - cannot resist another one. This is from the House of Wonders.

Zanzibar - Indian Ocean

Zanzibar - Stone Town

I could fill an entire year with daily pictures of Zanzibar. I think I've been there 10 times, the first time being in 1990 when it was really non-touristy. It changes every year, sometimes for good (it is a lot safer than it used to be and there are a lot more places to eat where you won't get a stomach bug, and places to stay where the loo isn't a hole in the ground), sometimes not.

Kenya

This is in a small town on the coast of Kenya, where I sometimes work - the monkeys hang around outside the office and play on the cars.

Mombasa

Same work trip as the previous picture.

Lake Victoria

From the Uganda side, I am very sorry it isn't from Kisumu (where Obama's father comes from). I have been to Mwanza, on the Tanzanian side, as well but it was a while ago, and to a couple of other places on the Ugandan side, but not to this part of Kenya. I was in Uganda visiting another student working here. It's very bizarre as it completely looks like the ocean, sandy beaches, blue water - but is fresh water.

Universal Studios

Cheesy, I know. I am sure I've been there at least 3 or 4 times.

Lombok, Indonesia

Visited about 18 months ago to supervise a student's fieldwork. I have prettier pictures but I love this one because it was just taken out of the window of the house I was staying in, but you probably can't see the kite very well.

Gol, also in Norway

Although this doesn't show the scenery - part of the same trip as the previous picture, but taken from the window of our rather cramped cabin where we had an ill-advised ski-ing holiday with my mad family.




(Have just noticed Blogger thinks it's tomorrow already - so that's why the times have been messed up.)

Nablopomo

So I've decided to jump on the bandwagon, but I need to do something really simple. I am on Facebook and I got into a kind of competition with my cousin into who had been to the most cities on the Cities I've Visited widget.

So I've decided I can easily post 29 (now) pictures of places I've been. Some may not be pictures I took myself but I'll try and post ones either Mr Spouse or a friend took. I'm not sure I'll write much in the way of comment on these, sorry!

Today: Oslo.

I'm sure you've all been on tenterhooks...

We ended up both being angels. I had already decided to knit a pair of angel wings for myself and was bowled over when Mr. Spouse said "OK, I'll have wings too". In the event he loved his wig but refused to wear the wings for more than about 5 minutes. Fortunately his only took a couple of days to knit:



while mine were a bit more complex:




You can almost see the full effect of my costume here, but sadly you can't quite see the bright green leggings I scored in a store in Palm Springs which said "everything $16". Except the leggings which were $8!

Losing it, part 0

I started to write a post a few weeks ago about my weight loss journey - and a very long one it has been too. But I am feeling a bit under the weather (I apparently had pleurisy, but not very badly - it sounds like something Victorian heroines die of, but it's really just one of those viruses, but in my chest). So I have done zero exercise as it hurts rather, or at least it did, then I felt OK and went up a mountain to somewhere with little oxygen and walked up a hill and my heart was about to burst, and then it started hurting again.

So I am not in a good place to talk about my newfound love of exercise. I actually feel bereft and cut off from exercise. Am I mad?

This is very dangerous

I had an "explain myself" office visit with a random OB/GYN just yesterday and she suggested she refer me over to an RE but also, as it happened to be CD3, that we do FSH/estradiol (and I have no clue if I've spelled that correctly, but in real time I will be able to tell you). I just got an email saying the results were ready and they are...

(Only FSH is back. So my spelling could still be completely wrong).

FSH 8.1

Well - that's about what one would expect up from 6 point something 2 years ago. Could be worse.

I was as I think I said unsure about having these done earlier in the year but I think I'm easily persuadable as I just said "OK, whatever" when she suggested this. Infertility treatment is not covered under my particular plan but apparently I should be OK with investigations linked to recurrent miscarriage, if they think there is any point in doing any of them. I cannot remember the name of every single clotting test done by my previous clinic, surprisingly enough, though I did find one of the consultants' email address and begged for some results or summaries to be sent! To be honest the chances of us getting pregnant while we are here are low, so I'm seeing this as a just-in-case set of contacts to have on hand.

However, this doctor did suggest they may consider Clomid, which all the doctors in the UK have said is completely pointless if you are already ovulating. If it is going to cause me to release more than about 2 eggs per cycle (I don't know, I have no idea what Clomid does really) then it could be worse than useless. It seems to be about $75 for 30 tablets so it wouldn't be TOO expensive an experiment if it did nothing.

She also mentioned - a theory I've never heard before - that it's possible to have a long, but insufficient, luteal phase - so insufficient maturation but taking a long time to do it. I guess another question is in order for the RE.

(Later - estradiol is 17.5. It says it should be less than 80.)

Someone is missing a trick

My name is Dr Spouse and I am a forum-aholic.

There, I've said it. I am addicted to several fora, including a very nice community of women which is primarily a UK-based forum. It has a bit of a history, and has come into being via another well-liked but creaky forum and a rather political sideways move into a parenting forum. Lots of the women are mothers, but not all, many many of them have had miscarriages, including recurrent miscarriage, and I love them all. Apart from the ones I have healthy debates with about vaccination (I'd be happy for it to be compulsory in the UK except for medical exceptions) and letting your husband give you housekeeping money that he expects accounts of (why? it's your joint house/kids so your joint money, no? we are not in the 1950s). And I love them too, really.

I still drop in to that forum but there are some things I'd usually ask there but can't. Where do I get fair-trade undies in the US? What about Hershey's seasonal flavoured Kisses, which stores have people seen them in? What's a good cookbook for Southern California? Do you need to cook the lasagna you buy here before putting it in the oven or did I just pick out a duff recipe that doesn't know you can get no-pre-cook lasagna? What can we use to air out our cold and poorly ventilated bathroom? How do we find out if the gas heater in our old rented house is safe? What are good clothing brands for women of my more top-heavy shape? What about running shorts, where can I find the kind I'm looking for?

Someone (perhaps the publishers of the magazines I seem to be reading here - mainly Real Simple but also Redbook) needs to cater for addicts like me. Sunset has a forum but it is poorly laid out and hardly has any recent posts. I found one "women"s forum but it hurt my eyes - if the signatures can be five times as big as the message, why would you read it? (it looked a lot like Babycenter and no, I am not going there either). There do seem to be lots of mothers' fora. Shame you have to be a mother to be a woman, isn't it?

Woman's Hour - Egg Donation

Somewhat neutral programme but this is a little-talked-about issue in the UK so worth some publicity. Should be available here probably until Friday 31st (a week from its broadcast).

One particularly pertinent comment was about the rate of non-paternity - if all children with a risk of different genetic origins to their presumed parentage (a conservative estimate for the UK where paternity is not disputed is 1-2% i.e. vastly higher than the rate of donor conception) were to demand investigation into their genetic paternity, we'd be up for near-universal paternity testing.

Of course

Cream trousers (the ones I've only recently been able to fit into) plus the white undies I have to wear with them = my period, two days early. What's with that? I'm not 100% sure when I ovulated, but I think it was on time, and it's rarely early. Don't tell me I'm starting to have short luteal phases (11 days isn't short, though, is it?).

And I need to have a repeat smear because the last one was done on CD3 and the sample wasn't good enough - and I have an early morning gynae appointment, just to familiarise the new people with my complex history, in 2 days' time. So I was kind of hoping it would hold off so I could get the smear the same day. But no. Gah.

Bizarre

Statcounter shows I have had no visits since late September. Clearly I have - not just IComLeavWe people and regulars but even someone who found a 2005 post where I reported a friend's doctor's recommendation for C.lomid, who clearly was on a mission to post her (what struck me as very mild and common) side effects Everywhere Possible On The Interweb That Even Mentioned C.lomid.

Anyone else found Statcounter is broken?

(It was the code - I realised I'd gone over to the new template and although it had brought over my links it hadn't imported the code).

The Kid (Spoilers - though what did you THINK happened??)

This book is nearly 10 years old now and it seems it was written when domestic open adoption was really new in the US. It's been an interesting and fun read and I've been wondering whether a fully accountable open adoption system (mother's choice of adoptive parents, full and frequent contact) would change the adoption culture in the UK, or whether it's too late for that.

Dan and his boyfriend are a very real couple and worry that they are too real. The birth mother who ends up choosing them is also very real. Having browsed a few "Dear Birthmother" letters, I can see that there must be a temptation (even if you are also a very real and down to earth couple) to paint yourself as cheesy and, at least socially, conservative. They worry that this will handicap them in being chosen by a birth mother; in fact, the mother that chooses them would almost certainly not have chosen a traditional couple, and certainly not a conservative couple.

Although this book is a personal story, I think what I got out of it most was information on how and why open adoption works, and in particular - and I suppose this slightly surprised me - how it can work well for mothers in really difficult situations, like the mother that chose this couple.

I suppose like Dan, I thought that birth mothers tended to be "nice girls" who wanted a "good Christian home"; the birth mother that chose them was actually afraid that her child would be taken away by Social Services and in some ways was quite desperate, and (it is clear, though I don't think she necessarily chose this couple because of this) needed a couple who would be accepting of her situation and make an effort to take care of her before the birth, and try and keep in touch although this might be very difficult, after the birth. Some of the couples I've either read blogs of* or read Dear Birthmother letters from, without being judgmental, would almost certainly not have the personal resources to understand an intentionally homeless girl and track her down thousands of miles away.

Dan Savage is, as many of you know, a sex columnist. Also (duh) gay. So if you are of a sensitive disposition then some of the asides and descriptions may be a bit much for you. I assume I'm not subconsiously being homophobic in saying this as I also find some of the descriptions in Belle du Jour a bit much for me. Aside from that (and it didn't really detract as you know who he is and what he does when you pick up the book) it's well written and an easy read. I've even recommended it to Mr Spouse who is not a very fast reader.

(Bother - realised just now after the post had gone up I forgot to say, one of my favourite parts was his assessment of the alternatives for them as a couple - I paraphrase - apart from adopting a kid, they could carry on partying until they were old and sad, travel loads and bore everyone with their travel pictures, or collect antiques. I often feel that the alternatives for a straight couple - especially one who like us was done with partying long ago - are somewhat similar).

*Note - not my regular blogs - just the odd one I come across that seems a bit clueless so tend not to read again...

Reader advice - Halloween

So, Halloween approaches, and my last Halloweens in the US were a) as a small child (monster head anyone?) or b) as a young single with trendy friends who threw trendy parties.

Mr Spouse is an old fart shy and retiring and doesn't want to do mega dressing up. In the UK dressing up for Halloween is rare but if you do it is usually something scary. I did suggest a pirate (he's a fan of Talk like a Pirate Day and they had some costumes in a local thrift store that was selling Target overstocks) but he vetoed that. He's a bit portly for most of the Doctors or I'd suggest one of them.

We are probably going to go on a haunted walking tour mid-evening and have had a Firm Notice round from the local residents' committee stating No Porch Lights On After 8. So we may be handing out candy early evening but are more likely to be out (the other going-out alternative is with a friend's stepkids, who are old enough to be trick-or-treading in the post-6pm slot).

I'm looking for something appropriate to a) my age (no Playboy bunnies please) b) the weather (it will be a bit chilly outside, but not freezing) c) Mr Spouse's conservatism* in these matters (so nothing completely over the top for me if he'll only wear a thrift store suit or something) d) lack of dressing up box or sewing machine e) not unlimited funds f) preference for some of the items to be recycled/semi-homemade - it is fun putting these things together, so I'd rather not just rent a costume!


*NB that's a small c and not politically. Just to clarify.

Happiness Sold Separately (Spoilers)

I just finished reading this book and at one level, felt it was so far, so predictable (couple can't have kids, couple do IVF, wife in deep depression, husband has affair). At some point in their assisted conception roundabout she had one pregnancy which ended in miscarriage very early, and which was kind of glossed over. By about a third of the way through the book, I was thinking "well, my life is rubbish, but at least it isn't that rubbish". Although I haven't done IVF, the author appears to at least have done her research well.

Later, following a brief reconciliation, in a fairly predictable "pregnancy as dramatic device" storyline, she gets pregnant and they have two successful ultrasounds and a very happy early pregnancy doctor. Those who have followed my own story will perhaps be able to see what is coming. At her 12 week scan they don't see a heartbeat; woe is everyone; a neighbour dares to say "some things aren't meant to be"; chromosomal analysis reveals a lethal trisomy.

So far so likely, but we then veer into Very Unlikely/Has Been Reading Julia's Blog. The main character is diagnosed with a balanced translocation ("It's as if you have a spoon in your fork drawer and a fork in your spoon drawer" - while a good analogy it didn't really explain the consequences of an unbalanced translocation, but no matter). Following this the husband was lured to meet his ex-girlfriend by the ex-girlfriend's pre-teen son, who was obsessed with the husband, and had probably deliberately told the ex-girlfriend's violent ex-boyfriend (hope you are keeping up) that they would all be in a certain place. So, they were, and violent ex-boyfriend stabbed husband.

Of course I am at this point (and it was the middle of the night, because I couldn't sleep) thinking even more "Gosh, I'm glad my life is only a minimum amount of rubbish!". But then I still couldn't sleep.

One line I especially liked, towards the end of the book, is when they see a counsellor who suggests they also discuss "living child-free" and the main character says she doesn't feel free. I'm not sure I will ever feel "free", not having children.

Remembering

Remembering:

NigelandDelia
No 2
No 3
Sproutetta

I'm a little late but here's a candle

Oh dear

Have just found out that a friend's son - age 14 I think, adopted at the age of 6 after some time in foster care and, before that, neglect/abuse from his birth parents - has been arrested and is likely to be convicted, and is currently on remand (pre-trial) in what used to be called Borstal.

I feel strangely personally affected by this - we know L and her sons fairly well, but don't see them that often, and Mr Spouse and I have often noticed that while this son (the older one) is Trouble with a capital T, he comes across as rather childish in some ways, while the younger one seems to ingratiate himself with adults, and be The Good One. I know No 1 can be difficult and he has been in (minor) trouble before but I suppose we both feel that no 2 is not as innocent as he makes out, and have perhaps underplayed the troubles of No 1. But I have also I think invested slightly in "oh, what nice boys, see, adopted children with awful early backgrounds can turn out very nice" (the second one was placed with her at a younger age, with a slightly different background).

Without putting too much on our friend, I know that both boys have shown some problems at earlier ages, and some of the "therapies" that have been recommended to her are, at best, unproven. There is very little help available to families in her situation, but this does mean a vacuum in which dodgy therapies have room to grow.

And of course I also know of birth children (see: people I went to school with, see also: children of my parents' friends) who have had a loving family since the year dot and who have still got mentally ill/addicted to drugs/in trouble with the police.

And likewise I know (although they are still mainly young) of lovely children adopted by friends from foster care, who (so far) have no non-age-appropriate behaviour or developmental problems.

But it worries me.

Niggle

Phew! I feel able to blog again after being worn out with IComLeavWe!

I blogged a few weeks ago about feeling quite refreshed and able to disconnect slightly from our horrible recent history while we are in a new place. I'm not sure it's quite that simple.

Most of the bloggers I read are from the US and I think I've been able to slightly distance myself from some of their stories and paths to parenthood, it now seems a lot more immediate, since I am here too. These people have done IVF with the fanciest, most famous doctors/been prescribed weird and wonderful miscarriage-prevention regimens/adopted perfect beautiful infant children. What if this could work for us, too?

Also, I'm catching up with some old friends from when I used to work here (I arrived here 10 years ago and stayed for 2 years, yet it seems like yesterday - how did that happen?). Of course they all have (more) kids, apart from one Very Dear Friend who has stepkids, and a nephew she actually sees frequently. And - very close to the bone for me - a sister who is pregnant, I was going to say for the second time, but actually for the fifth time after 3 miscarriages and one (I think) preemie (the nephew), at risk of early labour again but still Pregnant! and nearly having A Baby!* and with clotting problems, so of course I know people will compare us, and wonder why I can't do what she did, and how on earth can I feel jealous of someone who's had 3 miscarriages? Except, fortunately, Very Dear Friend will not do this as she is a) knowledgeable and b) very dear.

And on the stepkids and nephews/nieces front - I've been watching The Starter Wife which, by the way, Fun, it's The O.C. for adults - and it occurs to me that Mr Spouse very annoyingly didn't bother with a starter wife, and kids for me to be Not-Wicked Stepmother to - he went straight to Younger Model/Grownup Wife. And how dare my brother move to another country. I'd never do - er, oops.

Some important definitions and why I think they matter

Sorry if this is patronising but I have to explain this to my students so I'm going into Lecturer Mode.

Self-help books:
Most parenting guides, and most books on adoption, trauma and the like fall under this heading. To use a health analogy, these are like either a well-written book on cooking for diabetics, or the Atkins guide. Some individuals may like both - may swear by both - but medically, one can be pretty harmful. Just because something is in a book does not mean it's right, or harmless, or based on any evidence. I hope you all know the same is true for web pages. All the authors in the links given fall under this heading except one (see below).

Peer-review:
When researchers do independent studies (not funded by an organisation with an axe to grind) they need to publish them. They can publish in a book, which could be either a scientific book (mainly intended for scientists), or in a college textbook (though rarely without publishing elsewhere first), or in a self-help book. They can also publish on a web page - but see above about web pages.

They can write in a scientific manner and include a lot of references to other people's work. But you're I'm sure all acutely aware it's really easy to misquote or selectively quote other people's work.

So unless another researcher has reviewed the first researcher's work, without knowing who they were (to avoid personal bias), then anything even well-known scientists write could be a misquote, could be based on no evidence, or could be based on anecdotes - on just one person (see below). Peer reviewed work has found that children do not suffer from a change of caregiver at birth purely due to the change of caregiver. The nice links that antiadoption gave me were in fact none of them peer reviewed. In fact, one of the authors (Bruce Perry) she links to is also quite a well-respected author who's written a lot of peer-reviewed papers. He writes on trauma due to maltreatment and severe neglect, and its effects on behaviour and on the brain. He has done absolutely no work that I'm aware of on separation at birth and placement with a loving replacement caregiver.

I think we're all in agreement that mothers who are trying to decide whether to place their newborn for adoption have not maltreated their child, nor have they neglected them. If the adoptive parents maltreat their child, this is awful, if a birth parent maltreats their child, this is also awful, but not really relevant to the question of whether separation at birth and continuing care by loving replacement carers is traumatic. As I said in my previous post, I've seen no peer reviewed work with evidence that it is.


Scientific evidence:
When one person tells you that blood type eating, propping their legs up, having their bumps read, or regression therapy works for them, you might be a bit sceptical. How do they know they weren't going to get thin/pregnant/sane anyway? The gold standard is to randomly compare different conditions in different groups of people - half in each condition - and see what the outcome is - which group improves more. You can do this with therapies for mental health problems. There is no point in comparing a child on a therapy with themselves before the therapy as children grow, and people get better on their own.

But you can't randomly allocate children to being placed for adoption at birth and not being placed. You can only look at naturally occuring situations. You can look at children who are cared for by relatives and neighbours, not their birth mother. You can look at children whose mother died at birth. You can look at children adopted at birth. And when you have two groups, you can look at what else was different (were the grandparents ill and frail? was the father wrapped up in his new wife? were the adoptive or birth parents unrealistic in their expectations, or overindulgent? was the birth mother a sufferer from mental illness so didn't take care of her health/think she could care for her baby?) and only after you've allowed for that can you conclude that separation at birth hurts children. And there is no evidence that it does.

Remember, boys and girls, if you read it on the web it isn't necessarily true. Hope that didn't shock you too much. Here's a large pinch of salt for you to read both my posts and everything else on the web with.

(An an aside - yes, there is a lot of evidence that adoption is traumatic for the birth mother in particular, though I don't know if anyone's looked at outcomes for the birth father. There is a lot that can be done to help people in this situation - and good and bad practices no doubt exist in a variety of places. A new parent's feelings for a child are usually called bonding rather than attachment, as they operate a bit differently - a lot faster, for a start. Even parents who must give up their child - in some cases, who are legally forced to because they have abused them - bond to their child).

I'm beginning to regret this

but I feel I should follow through. I'm not going to post any more at the moment on trauma due to separation at birth. I think however I should explain some terms I used in my previous post as I'm not sure commenters have really understood them.

First consider this scenario. You are in your first day at school. Before going to school you knew there would be a teacher and you were told the teacher would be nice and school would be fun. You arrive at school and are waiting in the classroom. Someone puts their head in the door and waves at the class. "Hi!" they say. They leave and then shortly after someone else comes in. "I'm going to be your teacher!" they say. They are very nice and you enjoy school. Later you find that the first person was supposed to be your teacher. But you never knew them - so you didn't have a chance to miss them. You like your new teacher - you end up having the original teacher a few years later and you like them too. Everyone is happy.

If you had been a little child beginning school and had got used to the first teacher, you'd be sad if they left. If the second teacher had been mean, you'd be upset when you found they weren't really supposed to be your teacher. If you were the teacher and you had learned all the information about your class and felt like you knew them, you'd be sad. If you saw the teacher around the school, or met them when you were older, and no-one had told you they were first supposed to be your teacher, you'd be confused. The first teacher at school is a really important person, and children become extremely attached to their teacher, eager to please, and if they are a bad teacher, this really does get children off to a bad start.

But the child who never knew the first teacher - saw them for less than a minute - but has the whole situation explained to them properly, and gets to know the other teacher - is going to do just fine.

Right - that is the anecdotal post. I'm now going to start a new posts explaining some important definitions.

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW

That was me yesterday before going to the Urgent Care facility with my Bartholin cyst.


OOWWWWWOWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW
TTHHHSSSSFFFFFFFFFFFFF
(that was me yesterday while being "numbed" with lidocaine before having the abscess drained. How do you spell that sound you make while sucking through your teeth?).

They tried to put a catheter in but the gland was quite small (perhaps why it gets blocked) and it just came out. So I may need to have this done again at some point, or have it stitched open.

(Can I just have another OW?)

I now feel much better, you'll be happy to hear. No-one could make me a gynae appointment with New Plan next week as far as I tell, though I'm going to ring back on Monday, and if nothing comes up, go back to Urgent Care.

(Wiki link for the lazy. I have had several cysts in the past and some have become abscesses - this was definitely an abscess).

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Woke up early this morning and checked my email. Message from Best Woman who is losing the pregnancy (2nd FET after ICSI, lost the 1st FET, ICSI didn't work). They had seen the heartbeat and then she stopped feeling sick and started spotting at about 10 weeks. Scan on Friday showed no heartbeat. They've decided to "wait and see" but the hospital said come back in 2 weeks if it hasn't completed by then. I'm not sure they gave her enough information (I think I must be lucky in feeling I've had sufficient information at most points during my miscarriages - but then I'm nosy and ask questions like "what would happen in the old days before scans?" and "how come they say most pregnancies fail early when the first 12 weeks are all supposed to be dangerous?") and she said it was actually pretty helpful talking to me.

I'm not sure she realised how unlucky it is to have the pregnancy fail after seeing a heartbeat but I don't know if she would want to have any further investigations about causes of miscarriage - they can only have ICSI until next July, when she is 40, as they can't afford the fresh cycles themselves, so the clock is ticking on treatment and I happen to know the main miscarriage clinic in her area tells you to stop trying to get pregnant while undergoing investigations.

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I'm not being lazy, honest, but am a bit blogged/commented out, so will blog a bit more about the comments on my "comment on another comment" post, another time. And very sorry to those who have not had comments returned/those participating in ICLW - have been a bit slack - in my defence, I've been in pain!

Should I tell?

I have far too many blogs. I have this one, which doesn't have that much day-to-day stuff on it. I have my original one, a short-but-sweet blog with the odd photo, funny item and thought, some profound, but basically I do not mention this part of my life on there. It's not on blogger (it's on an independent system a friend set up) so it doesn't link in here.

I also have a blog under a different name that is a walk through the saints associated with each day of the church year (there are some gaps, to put it mildly, even though a few friends collaborate) and I have the blog of my 11-year-old diary, which also has a few gaps - though I left the diary itself in the UK so won't be finishing that this year.

My mum knows about the 11-year-old diary but doesn't really "get" blogs. No-one else in the family knows about my blogs except Mr Spouse, who knows this one exists but kindly doesn't read it, and reads the 11-year-old diary when it is updated, and also the independent chatty one, which is also rarely updated.

I would in some ways like to post more about the rest of my life here - it would be more interesting for my regular readers, and for any new readers I get. I have several friends whose blogs I read and for whom I log out as Dr Spouse to post a comment, so they can't see this one. Most would find it very much TMI. You can see this one, but not my other Blogger blogs, on my profile. I'm sure if you looked hard you could find me (though hopefully not under my full name as I removed the only comment with my name - when I became a media tart).

Do you have separate blogs? Who do you tell about your IF blog? Do they care??

Take-home

This post at Building Heavenly Bridges has made me think what I would like/have liked in a take-home pack from the hospital after having miscarriages 1 and 4 (the others happened at home).

The first time I got a leaflet from The Miscarriage Association, and I believe something that . The second time I got some hospital maxi pads, a compliment on my pyjamas, and a promise to carry out chromosomal analysis on the foetus.

I later got something about the annual church service that is held in my area for those that have lost a baby, which we did go to that year.

Although I've not felt a need to have such things, I know other women have found poems, prayers, and remembrance items such as bracelets to be helpful. I find more therapy in knitting and watching trashy TV. Perhaps women should be given vouchers for DVDs, and suggestions on where to get memorial jewellery. It might be nice to have a memory box or folder, and to be asked if you wanted scan pictures.

I think what I needed most especially in the first weeks and months after the first miscarriage, though, was someone to talk to. There is no local support group in my area, although hundreds of women must miscarry in the area every year (based on the birth rate which I know). There's someone available on the phone once a week at an inconvenient time (I suspect it's before her kids get home from school), about 50 miles away.

What would you have wanted?

(Comments left for:
Reservado para futura mama - sorry, a repeat
Bernardeena - not strictly an ICLW person

Finally

So a couple of weeks ago I was moaning to my doctor friend about having no insurance. "What if you get hit by a bus?" Well, we explained, we are OK if we get hit by a bus, but not if we get stomach flu or a nasty skin condition or need a flu jab or a new prescription for high dose folate or, briefly explaining the last few years, if I get pregnant. Turns out her sister is about 20w with her 5th pregnancy - one living child - factor V Leiden. A lot of it around.

But she pointed out that she knows lots of specialists (although as a psychiatrist it might look odd if she prescribed insulin for Mr Spouse!) and could no doubt find someone for us to see at a slightly reduced cost.

However in double quick time the HMO we had applied to and been rejected for regular coverage has - surprise! - approved us for the expensive, but roughly the same level of coverage, HIPAA plan. Hint for those in dire straits moving from another country - foreign coverage counts under HIPAA. And they didn't even need to check with my GP, so no expensive letter or snooty administrator telling them the wrong things on the phone. So I'm covered from the 1st (only problem - I have a Bartholin cyst recurring now. Ouch. Normally they last 3 days, 2 of which are a weekend, and so I never get them seen. This one's been about 5 days - I'm torn between hoping it goes away tomorrow and hoping it lasts long enough to be seen by the doc - not too sure I'd even get an appointment before the 1st anyway!)

Comments today
Baby Dust Diaries
To Baby and Beyond
From Such Great Heights
Hultman House
Mommy needs Therapy

Returned a comment from
Building Heavenly Bridges
(which has also given me a thought for a post)

Can you say "Mommy"?

Because I can't! Apparently I called my mother "mommy" for the first two years of my life (as that's what she called herself) but then went to nursery and it became Mummy, and then later Mum, though it's switched back, but I refer to her as "my mum" or "my mother".

In US English the vowel sounds in "cot" and "caught" are the same - so words that are spelled as if they should be pronounced with a short /o/* are actually pronounced with more of an /a/. The sound isn't, however, quite like the British English "caught" so, as I notice that kind of thing, I notice that when I try to say "mommy" I don't sound like Americans do when they say the word. There are about 15 vowels in US English and 20 in British English, if you are interested. Unfortunately it doesn't make the job of learning to read or spell easier for US children as the phoneme**/grapheme*** correspondence is no more direct.

Since my mother gave up being Mommy quite some time ago, this wouldn't be a problem - if it weren't for the (no doubt annoying to mothers) habit of professionals who work with children of referring to the mother of the child as Mommy/Mummy. "Give it to Mum, now". "Let's see which doll Mummy has!". "Mummy, could you just open the box and show her what's inside?". I'm sure this grates just as much as "Ooh, you mustn't do X, it's bad for Baby". So shoot me, I can't always remember Mummy's name in the thick of a session. And you do need to use it to tell the child what to do: "Can you sit on Mummy's lap now and watch the pictures?".

So if you come across some confused children in this part of the world, it's probably because I'm getting involved in some assessment sessions with them...

Today's ICLW comments (it's I for International people NOT N for National, just saying!):
Elusive BFP
The Binky Diaries
Planning Doesn't Work
I Believe in Miracles
Production not Reproduction

If anyone knows of a way to track comments you have written - at least through Blogger - I'd be happy to hear about it. Just realised I commented on at least two of these already, not that it's bad but just like to spread it around!

*letters between slash marks = individual sounds in words, for the uninitiated.
**speech sound, which can be spelled with more than one letter
***representation of speech sound in letters, which can be more than one letter e.g. TH is just one sound, so is AW, and so is A_E as in GAME.

Comment on another comment

So as not to carry on another discussion in the comments section at Henry Street - I know Rachel doesn't really want to have more discussion on this...

The premise of the Primal Wound is, as I understand it, that separation from the birth mother is intrinsically traumatic, whatever age it happens at.

All the evidence from studies of child development is that it is not particularly traumatic for children to be separated from their main caregiver when this happens early enough - before they have time to form an attachment. Leaving unsubstantiated theory aside, attachment occurs at around 6-9 months of age. Before this age, babies view caregivers relatively equally - carers that are more sensitive to their needs are preferred, but babies do not seem to experience a feeling of loss when the caregivers leave, either temporarily or permanently, so long as another sensitive caregiver is present. This makes sense in evolutionary terms (according to attachment theorists) because even in relatively recent evolutionary history infants might well lose their mothers at or around birth. In most societies in the world, infants are cared for by many caregivers in the first year of life - in some an older child or grandmother is the main caregiver right from the start - and major psychological trauma isn't exactly prevalent everywhere that infants are cared for in this way.

Of course adoption can be handled badly, and can also occur after infants have had time to attach to their mothers or primary caregivers. But as many have commented (see emory2001's eloquent review on Amazon), things can turn out badly in birth families too. Adoption can be bad. It can lead to trauma. Overly high expectations, not explaining adoption, making children think they were not loved, having them live in fear of being given away again, negative portrayals of birth parents or lack of contact or information that the child is ready for - obviously these are all bad, and are likely to occur only when children are adopted - though very similar things occur following acrimonious divorces with sole custody by an aggrieved parent. Also bad is telling a child they are the ultimate in an amazing genetic line, that the first-born always has to be a doctor, that they need to carry on the family line. These are only going to occur in biologically related families.

I don't believe it's the trauma of separation at birth that causes problems in adoptive families. Adoption is a special situation, in that it is unusual (in many societies children are not raised by both their biological parents, but it is usually either a step-parent plus one biological parent, or a biological relative). It therefore needs special handling, and only special parents can really do it. But you'll find that academic researchers (those who publish in peer-reviewed journals - not those who publish non-academic books) do not agree that change of caregiver at birth is intrinsically traumatic. See, for example, if you are into that kind of thing, Adoption Losses: Naturally Occurring or Socially Constructed IG Leon - Child Development, 2002, from which I quote:

"Mainstream adoption researchers and specialists(Brinich, 1980; Brodzinsky et al., 1992; Nickman, 1985) do not believe that infant adoption constitutes
an immediate loss at placement that inevitably disrupts early attachments."

and

"No empirical evidence documents the formation of attachment prepartum or immediately postpartum. Although selective responsiveness to early, familiar stimuli may begin at birth (Schechter, 2000), regarding this selective responsiveness as the continuation of a prenatal attachment by the newborn violates empirical data documenting attachments that have been formed not due to consanguinity or prepartum experience, but via repeated, mutual interactions of nurturance provided by caregiver to infant during the first months of life (Bowlby, 1969; Karan, 1994)"

Feel free to comment here - I don't tend to respond to comments, laziness I think really, but unless the discussion gets nasty I'll be leaving it open.

(And Tues 23rd's IComLeavWe comments are at:
Barren Albion (cheating really as she's not on the list and I spend loads of time at her blog anyway!)
Creating New Life
The Binky Diaries
Mrs Spock

Returned a comment made on the 23rd by Elusive BFP
(That was actually returned on the 24th and I don't think I made 5 comments on the 23rd - slacker! But to be fair all my comments on the 23rd were either non-ICLW people, or were returns of my comments, or don't have a link to their blog!)

Family group

We decided to explore on Saturday by taking a walk with a Sierra Club local chapter. We don't have an exact equivalent in the UK but the Ramblers are close. I had been in contact somehow with the Sierra Club before (to be honest, I don't think I ever went on any walks with them - I wonder if a friend was a member or something) and my impression was they were younger and more environmentally active than the Ramblers. Their list of local walks is quite similar though - some that are very much too long and hilly for us, and some that are weekday daytime, implying they have some retired and very active members.

This was a 3-mile stroll through some local canyons, though, followed by a short history tour - perfect. Except when we got there we found it was actually a walk of the Singles group! So, not exactly appropriate for this married couple. We were even asked (jokingly, we hope) to tell people if anyone there was married "to avoid misunderstandings". Though not having immediately and publicly come out as married may not be the only reason someone asked Mr Spouse if I was his daughter. I suppose I should be flattered I look young... But normally people say he looks young too.

The local Sierra Club chapter has a "20s-30s singles" group and this, more general, singles group. I suspect the 20s-30s is stretched a bit, unless there are actually no members at all in their 40s, as I was by far the youngest person in this particular group. Then it has a family group. I am not entirely sure if there are walks that are not associated with a particular sub-group. It seems that once one is married or attached, particularly if one is in ones 40s, one is supposed to have a family. Unless their definition of "family" means "partner and self", this means one is supposed to have children.

I am wondering, however, if the family group might not suit us anyway. Less likely to be walking really far, more likely to be walking at weekends, and more likely to be our age(s). If I were single I might try and muscle in on the 20s-30s group and if it were just Mr Spouse I think they'd probably think he was weird if he wanted to go to the family group, but a childless couple might be welcome. But I'm not completely sure about that - when I was in my 30s and Mr Spouse was in his 40s we were told we couldn't go to the (non-singles) 20s/30s Ramblers group locally because he was too old. Although people's kids (under 20) were allowed...

Edited to add: IComLeavWe comments for 22nd September at:

Stirrup Queens
Off my Mind but From my Heart
Maybe I Will have a Glass
Not the Path I Chose
Get Pregnant

Return comment:
Loving Thee... And more

News from the trenches

The problem with this IComLeaveWe is that I'm going to actually have to write some posts for people to comment on, aren't I?

Annoying holiday couple aka Mr Spouse's best man and wife are due to have their (very much waited for and conceived without intervention but after many many investigations) baby in four weeks' time. Mrs AHC is on maternity leave already but this is partly as she had a secondment from work in a different town which just ended so there seemed little point in going back to the regular job. Apparently the baby "is already 6lb 7" so they think "it's going to come early". No, dear, it's going to come at about 42w and is going to be 10lb. Am I allowed to tell her that? And that labour will be horrendous?

S & J aka my best woman and husband also have happy news - they should be 9w pregnant by now from a 2nd FET following a failed ICSI and an early miscarraige - well, last weekend they were 8w and they had seen the heartbeat at 6w so, given they don't have my horrendous history, I'm confident things will be well for them.

So I can think of a couple more things to say but I'll eke them out into another post, I think, so I have more for people to comment on!

Edited to add the 21st September IComLeavWe comment spots, really so I can remember myself!
I heart internet
Reservado para futura mama which gets my vote as cutest title
Life After Infertility and Loss
The Not So Secret Life of Us (I wonder if I'm the only one who used to be addicted to that TV series?)
Something to Blog About

And my return-comment was to
Mom of One For Now

A comment on a comment

This was going to get quite long to be a reply to a comment on someone else's post so I decided to make my own new post replying to a comment by Michelle on a post over at Henry Street.

Michelle says "What's interesting is how people try to conceive a child naturally, can't, then choose the adoption route."

I know that this is true for many families, that biological conception the "regular" way is their first choice, then adoption is only considered after at least that one option has been exhausted. Some will never even seek a diagnosis or investigations for infertility before going for adoption, although they will have tried to give birth but will not. Some, however, do choose adoption first - some are single parents, some are same-sex couples, some feel a very strong desire to adopt (and some of these go through foster care adoption, though some feel a really strong desire to adopt from a specific overseas country, or to go through domestic adoption), and some do have one or more biological children and have no infertility issues but feel that adoption is right to complete their family. Since adoption is about the child not the parents then there is a significant minority of parents who feel that bringing a new child into the world, rather than giving a home to a child who needs one, is not right for them.

But even looking at just heterosexual couples who have experienced fertility issues, the main reason I feel why people first try to conceive and then decide to adopt is that adoption is relatively speaking, extremely rare. Adults of my generation will know adopted peers but I know very few families who have adopted - and some of them I only know because we're investigating adoption. Some couples may have a strong bias towards genetic children - some though may even feel they don't want to have genetic children because of an inherited disease or because pregnancy presents a very specific health risk to the female partner. But finding families who have adopted, and adoption being a normal part of life, is just not where we are in the West, so it's not on many people's radar.

And it's also, completely rightly so, very hard to do. Adoption is about finding a family for a child who needs one - perhaps reproduction should be harder for most people, but good luck to anyone who tries to legislate that.

My take is that people go with the easiest option that they know most about (the one involving two adults who love each other very much...) and then if that fails, they move to an option that's acceptable for them and accessible to them. IVF, for example, is not acceptable to everyone, and not accessible to some either - I think more couples in the UK skip IVF as paying for medical care is not possible, or even on the radar, for a lot of people, and not everyone can get it paid for, while foster care adoption is free. People who choose adoption early, or even first, are often those who know about it first hand, from their extended family.

I have even heard about families who've been asked why they didn't consider IVF or some other form of ART if they are adopting - and some odd attitudes from social workers for couples who choose adoption either as their first choice or if they are not infertile (e.g. to add to or complete a family).

Sorry to harp on...

AKA why do I do this to myself?

Another conversation with another clueless health insurance employee - they lost my previous backup application, and now if they take me on the backup plan it might not be till November?? NOVEMBER! I'm seeing my nice doctor friend tonight to hopefully she'll talk me down.

So just browsing other blogs this morning, came across this. I am a regular reader of this blog, no idea why, except that there are often educational toys and children's literature on, which are kind of relevant to work, or perhaps it's that I'm a masochist. Anyway the little changing table has a little Snowy on it and we have one because Mr Spouse is obsessed (and we had to leave him - Snowy, that is, not Mr Spouse - in England). And I want a changing table to put Snowy on.

HOW much?

My GP's surgery in the UK wants £98 to write a letter about my medical history. Nearly $200. In advance, natch. If I was sure this would get me on to the plan I originally applied for, it would be worth it, as the secondary plan is about $200 per month more than the original plan. The benefits are similar (I'd rather have Better Plan from Other Company which is the same as the secondary plan in price but more extensive in coverage, but doubt I'd be accepted for that if I wasn't accepted for First Plan).

The receptionist was really snooty in her email, too, basically telling me there was no point in bothering (how does she know? has she tried?).

Denied...

Last night I got a notification that my application for health insurance was declined - with one of the only HMOs that will take me and Mr. Spouse - at least officially, though we may be able to persuade one of the others that he actually has an SSN when he doesn't really. I genuinely thought I would be OK as the only things I had to answer "yes, in the last five years" to on the application were about "female reproductive disorders or painful menstrual periods" and "other". There's no specific question about pregnancy or complications and I didn't think they could deny coverage based just on that question - I thought they'd ask for more information - and the "other" is migraines every second month, approx*.

But apparently these are both problems - and so is my BMI of just over 28 now (this is after losing 35lb which, again, there was no space to elaborate). I may get HIPAA coverage (switch off now if you are lucky enough not to care) as government coverage, even non-US government coverage, counts for this. But I was really, really upset and I'm not entirely sure why. I think it is because I strongly feel the need for a sympathetic, continuous medical presence in my life, even if it's just to go and be told "yes, you have a nasty rash, go away and put calamine lotion on it", or similar, every couple of months. The thing about recurrent miscarriage is that sympathetic continuous medical care is the only treatment, and this probably being due to the placebo effect makes no difference to its effectiveness. The placebo effect still works if you know it's a placebo. And I'm being denied even the placebo.

I'm not entirely sure if this is a serious, unappealable refusal, or if it's routine just to refuse in order to stall, and they expect everyone to come forward with medical evidence and then they'll accept most people. I'm going to try, anyway, and we'll apply to the second insurance company in the hopes they won't notice the lack of SSN.

*Thanks to whoever suggested acupuncture, I've tried it and it improved them but didn't get rid of them entirely.

Different

Just before setting off for SoCal I remembered that we had not yet given our Christmas donation to the Miscarriage Association - a substitute for Christmas cards, and in some ways a way of coming out to some family and friends who did not know what we'd been through. Oops. So I quickly logged on and sorted that out. I noticed they had a few leaflets on their site that hadn't been there before. One is called "When the trying stops" and I found it quite affecting.

Some couples' stories included fostering or adoption and some deciding to live without children. One sentence struck me - "some couples choose to move house". Although we have not moved permanently, and I don't necessarily feel either that we bought a big house to put children in it, nor that we have now moved to a house which is a "couple" house, I think I'm really appreciating the change of scene. It's partly the weather (we've had a not-so-great summer in the UK, and we're in a lovely coastal location here with nice but not too hot weather), and partly the feeling that I'm still on holiday (we've been here less than a week, and it's Labor Day today so I'm not in the office, and we went to a family wedding yesterday).

But I think it is the sense of a fresh start, that we are here for long enough to make a decent go of settling in, the release from (some) obligations. I definitely still feel even more petrified than normal of being pregnant, worried about healthcare, but I also feel somewhat free. It's a bit drastic, but a move of a few thousand miles with 5 suitcases between two of you is to be recommended.

I guess I'll have to get used to this...

OK, this is not really on topic, but it's one of those culture clash things that amused me. Probably TMI but I think you're all used to that, now, aren't you?

We arrived in our new, more Californian home on Tuesday and spent yesterday settling in. I decided I needed a quick leg wax before going to a wedding on Sunday so tried to book in with a salon round the corner. The beautician didn't have any spots on Saturday morning so squeezed me in there and then. I normally have only the bottom half of my legs done - I am not a very hairy lady, I am quite fair, and the hair doesn't grow fast either.

So normally I have great (in a relative sense of the word) waxing experiences. The beauticians say how easy it is to get the hair out, when I tell them it's been 6 weeks they say "ooh, it seems quite light for that long" and this started off the same. I get a few ingrown hairs and she complained about them, but that's common.

Then, however, she started about the top half of my legs. Apart from at the swimming pool, only I and Mr Spouse ever see these. I pointed out that I don't wear short shorts. "Oh, what about your husband?" she said. "Well, he doesn't mind" "But remember you are a woman!" I refrained from saying "and women have hairy legs..." I thought she might as well do the small patches on the backs of my thighs - I have had them done occasionally.

But then as I was getting ready to go she suggested "when you are ready for a partial bikini wax, just call me". Now this is something I've stayed far, far away from - the pain, the associations, just the whole idea. Ewwwww.

I think what got me was although you might get a beautician in the UK who would mention additional services they would be much more subtle about it ("ooh, shall I just do those bits as well?" "have you ever had a bikini wax") - I'm not sure if this woman was just more up front than I'm used to, or if her other customers would find her rude too.

My legs are pretty smooth, though!

OK, I'm going to come out and say it...

I put this in an email to a nice blogger friend (you know who you are) but I'm going to say it here too. I'm really scared about healthcare when we go to the US.

I have finally found some that I am eligible for (it is hard when you are a citizen but not a resident) which though basic, has a reasonable reputation and will cover pregnancy (I believe this is a legal requirement). But I know it won't be a research centre specialising in recurrent miscarriage, and I know if I want to have any more fertility investigations I will be paying, and I'm worried about the attitude I seem to detect from other bloggers of US gynaes/REs of "make sure you give the maximum amount of treatment just in case". I'm worried they'll say "oh, you must have a clotting/egg maturation/immune problem, let's give you heparin/FSH/steroids" or "oh, bedrest for the first trimester, natch" when I'll be thinking "No evidence/dangerous/thrombosis!" but being scared to say no Just In Case.

I have navigated the US healthcare system before, but I was young, single, and the worst thing that I ever got was the damn Bartholin cysts. I did have a brief expensive spell on COBRA but having never had much to do with the UK health system, either, I didn't have much to compare it with.

Please talk me down. Thank you.

Things I should be doing...

Tidying my office.
Ringing back parents in our study.
Filing papers.
Ringing another office about someone's A level results that keeps ringing me up to panic.

Things I am doing...

Reading blogs.
Reading internet fora.
Blogging.

Anyway I had a phone call the other day from a social worker who didn't say she was "from" our local authority but that she was contacting me "in connection with our application to foster with" our local authority. And her accent was very non-local. So I was a bit confused but rang her back and left a message. She rang me the next day (after working hours, very impressive for a social worker) and explained that she and some colleagues had been independently contracted (which involves organisation, and spending money, very impressive for a local authority) to do the approval process for 7 potential foster carers (7 households, I think). They would be travelling to our area and staying over and spending a few days doing each family. This will take them about 6 months in total, so they would probably still be contracted to do it when we got back.

Now, if you have been through the approval process (and I have not) you will be able to say that this would be quite gruelling. I have only done the preparation course and the idea of doing all that over a couple of days is pretty daunting! But the advantage would be that although it wouldn't start till we got back, it would be over quickly, and Mr Spouse would probably not have a job yet, so we could do it in the daytime. Also one hopes the social worker wouldn't have too much opportunity to go away and think up extra nasty questions between sessions.

So I am feeling quite positive about that. Plus a sweet colleague (the least forthcoming of men ever) at another university, who I knew fosters, chatted to me about the process at a conference the other week and his opinion was "they just want to see if you are normal, you have to be pretty bad to fail approval".

It sounds like our local authority are serious about getting this batch of carers approved as soon as possible (v. sensible for them), and like it shouldn't be too much of an ordeal, if we can stand 2-3 solid days of being grilled.

Am I weird?

(Please say no).

I am currently catching up on paperwork and phone calls relating to my study of children's language that has been going on for about 4 years now - I won't be able to call people at a reasonable hour nor post things to them while I'm overseas. One thing I've been doing is asking parents their dates of birth. Lots of the parents are older than me (but the kids in the study are rising-five). But I am obsessively working out how many of them were older than I am now, when their babies were born.

I am, at the very least, a sad individual. Sorry.

So...

It was OK... we went on a slow but rambling ramble where my friend and I could hang back while the blokes charged ahead. She had her FET just over a week ago and will do her HPT (as you may know, here people don't get blood tests but are advised to do HPTs) on Friday or Saturday. Judging by the timing, it may turn out like her first cycle and she may get her period before doing the test anyway. It was partly advice, partly her exhaustion, and partly just wanting to be cautious which has caused her to take things much more easy than normal - she's usually very active and energetic. I probably couldn't have called first as they were out and about in an area with little mobile phone reception but I might try and call one evening this week just to check in again.

She asked for advice on a good adoption website. I recommended the one I often read, but suggested she not look at too many stories on the message board, but use it for factual information. I was slightly surprised they are thinking about this at this stage - it would probably be a year away for them though. They get two more fresh ICSI cycles on the NHS but only if they can fit them in before my friend turns 40 (ironically with it being a male factor problem, she's the older of the couple), and she is finding the process increasingly wearisome, so doesn't really feel they want to try a third fresh cycle privately. Although this cycle was a FET she felt it was more difficult than either of the previous ones, and she doesn't think it's going to get much better if she does any more.

I feel like I've got more to say about my friends than ourselves. Two (or more) fertility journeys for the price of one. We are gearing up for our temporary move and still wrestling with health insurance, which is incredibly complicated, partly due to our mixed citizenship situation, and may end up with enrolling Mr Spouse in a slightly dodgy way using an ITIN (a tax number for non-citizens) as he doesn't have an SSN. ITINs are not supposed to be used for identification outside the tax system but some healthcare providers use them. Sssh. We don't care if it lets him enrol.

I'm not feeling overwhelmingly positive about trying again to get pregnant, as I think I feel at the moment that our best chances of building a family are through adoption/foster care, and that pregnancy isn't going to happen, or if it does, it isn't going to go anywhere. And we can't do anything about fostering/adoption at the moment. But it is also possible I'm just a bit tired and overwhelmed. I had my bacon saved by a kind colleague - not one I'm especially best friends with, just one that happened to be in the office - when I forgot to return something from the library that has a £1 per hour fine, and blithely decided to work at home instead of going in on Friday. Things are getting on top of me.

I'm going to go and watch some mindless TV now I think.

Etiquette advice please people...

Tomorrow off to meet up with my bestest infertility pal aka The Best Woman (1 fresh ICSI -ve, 1 FET +ve but miscarriage at 6w, if you remember). Just done another FET but I'm not sure which day she'll be on.

Unfortunately, although Mr Spouse knows all we'll also have my dad (aka Obliviousness personified but nosy scientist) in tow.

How do I ask about the procedure/how she's feeling/when she'll be testing, without my dad asking personal questions?

Also - I'm wondering if this is IVF-related, or just personal nervousness - she said "oh, I won't be able to do a long walk because of having the FET". Is it official advice not to do much exercise or just immediately after (as I say, not sure of the dates) or is it just because she's had no real chances at a 2ww that could possibly work? so she's just extra nervous?

Is there a way...

to hide the Blogger babies on the Blogger dashboard?

(Though the one with the ears on his hat has a certain je ne sais quoi).

The unexpected

I'm still not a very frequent blogger, and even less so when I don't have much going on. But I did think that perhaps taking a break from trying to get pregnant would make things a little different. I just wasn't prepared for exactly how it would make things different.

I think I thought we'd have quite a different sex life - either more evenly distributed through the month, or avoiding the Persona red days entirely as neither of us like using condoms. But in fact, I guess our sex life is more driven by either a) weekends or b) my hormones as it was more or less the same as it is other months.

I didn't particularly think I'd be successful in getting fit and losing weight - but I have. I have lost 8lb in the last approximately 90 days, and I've started running again (and I've surprised myself by being able to pick up the number of minutes for which I can run much more rapidly than in the past) and I've lost 2in off my waist. I have also been able to fit into clothes I haven't worn for over 10 years. I have weighed this little a couple of times in the last couple of years (and even a bit less) but I think perhaps it's been in the winter and these were summer clothes.

I didn't think I'd notice anything new about my body - I thought I knew everything - but I've also noticed (look away now if squeamish, but hey, you are all fertility readers really aren't you? Well, sorry if not...) a much more regular pattern of CM than I thought I had. Both months I had some thick EWCM at a point which I thought was about 4-5 days before I would normally get a positive OPK. So far, so expected. However, I think normally my mucus is, er, obscured after that point. The first month I then got some really fluid but definitely stretchy CM about 5 days after that - which normally I tend to discount, or be a bit confused by. Not thick EWCM, but definitely egg-white-ish. This was about 5 days later and I had previously thought my body had given up on EWCM by about 4-5 days before ovulation.
The second month I then got my OPK-equivalent on the Persona, er, the next day. So a short cycle this month.

Finally I wasn't expecting migraines. I think I may have fallen into the common pattern of regular migraines just before my period. Previously they were much more stress-related - usually a stress hangover, a classic situation being the day after a stressful week at work, when I hadn't been out the night before or drunk anything. I've had a couple of those in the last year, but I think two out of the previous three months I've had a migraine. Fortunately my regular Imigran works OK premenstrually too.

One thing I was expecting - the social worker we met before (the second one, who was a bit new to the field, rather than the mad, about-to-retire one we met first) rang me back about our going away. She wasn't completely sure she'd be our social worker when we got back, but she didn't think it was worth starting any of our home study before we go away. I guess I'll just have to try and remember what we did on the course.

Three weeks till we go to the US - it still seems slightly unreal.

Spare a thought for the single and childless

We spent the last week on holiday with an old friend, celebrating her 40th. We met while we were doing our PhDs and we are both still in academia. She is a very very lovely person, one of those "how is she still single" friends. She met a very nice man a few months ago and although he couldn't be there because of his work, he sounds lovely.

She was asking me how my "health" was (this seems to be code for Have You Had Any More Miscarriages Recently, but it's not a bad code), and I filled her in - I don't think she knew about all of them. Like some other people I've spoken to she thought that fostering and/or adoption were "such good things to do". I'm not sure we really think of it like that, we are not really seeing this as a vocation, rather as a way to either have children in our lives - even if temporarily - or become parents. I think we feel slightly drawn to foster care/adoption from foster care rather than the supposedly easier options of overseas adoption or (theoretically just possible) US domestic adoption, but largely because we are not sure they would actually be easier, not because we are trying to be saints.

My friend hasn't had that much luck with men so I'm really pleased for her, and she has said in the past she's not that bothered about having children, her nieces and nephew are enough. The new man has had the snip and again she said this was OK, he already had kids. But she also confessed that every time she hears someone is pregnant, she feels like she's been kicked. So it sounds like she's wavering between child-less and child-free. And she can't be the only one. I think some of it is her feeling it wouldn't happen for her with a partner, so resigning herself to being childless too. She is not the kind of person (partly I think through conviction - she is strongly Catholic) to get pregnant either with an acquaintance or through donor sperm.

I tried to say something to her about how I felt our childlessness was more public, but for single people or those who appear to have been happily partnered but childless for some time (probably including many gay couples) people may not feel there is an issue - it is obvious we are trying to have children and failing, because it is much harder to keep a miscarriage to ourselves. People should in theory think more of our feelings when discussing pregnancy and children - and they can be pretty insensitive around us.

She told me she'd thought about adoption as a single person some time ago but was put off by horror stories she read online. I am sure it is at least partly true that the horror stories are out there but the happy families don't post. We have a very good friend who is the single mum of two adopted boys and she's had ups and downs but is ultimately very happy. But I want to tell her how desirable she and her new bloke would be as adoptive parents - between them they represent a complex, though not unique, ethnic mix, though I get the feeling most of the children who would be perfect "matches" would have a Muslim mother, and that might make them slightly less exciting as potential adopters. I'd love to tell her not to give up hope of being a mother - but I'm not sure how her partner really feels about this, or if he knows how she feels. Or even if she does.

It is a lot easier being a married person who really wants to have children.

Yes, I still exist

Sorry for the silence - not a lot going on that you'd be interested in, too much otherwise.

Spoke to the wrong person at the fostering team (and they have a really irritating new central switchboard that makes you hang on for ages - need to get people's direct number, quickly) but their feeling was we would probably wait till we get back from the US to start our home study.

Had a job interview - didn't get it. Really wanted promotion in current position but would have been very happy to take the job so a bit annoyed.

Mr Spouse is looking at what he can do when in the US, including volunteering. Spontaneously suggested hearing children read at school, and I told him about the (scandalously huge, but quite clean and pleasant) county foster home that I used to volunteer at when I was over there before. The sheer number of children in institutional care was scary. I'm pretty pleased we don't have that many here, frankly.

About to go on holiday to some Alps which I gather will be quite rainy. But never mind. Old, old friend's 40th - very nice, sweet friend, similar work but a bit more committed to it so has done a bit better than me. Has recently met man who seems to be very good for her (though she showed me his website and he seemed to have a liking for cheesiness...). He can't come so I won't get to meet him. Shame. Seems to be someone who doesn't really have any hankering to be a parent - has three nieces and nephews and seems satisfied with that. Not exactly incomprehensible to me but a head state I can't quite enter fully.

Skiver

I don't normally blog from work - no idea why as I do almost every other conceivable timewasting internetty thing at work - but there is 1/2 an hour to go till our end of term social and I Cannot Be Rsed to do any more work. So there.

We finished our foster care course on Tuesday and I have mixed feelings. I was kind of left wanting more, but it will be nice to get a bit of time back (it seems to have rushed by, but to have become part of our lives) and I don't know where we go from here. They are supposed to be contacting us in the next week to tell us who will be our social worker, and I was slightly relieved to hear it won't necessarily be the person who came to visit us at home - she was OK, but the two who did the course seemed a bit more open. But it's very unlikely we'd be able to finish the whole of the home study before we go away.

Mr Spouse thinks I'm being overoptimistic, and that they'll want us to wait till we come back to start, but I am thinking I should try and persuade them that it would be better to start now at least or we'll have even longer between the course and the home study (like 10-12 months instead of 7-8 in the middle). I did (I think I mentioned) apply for another job earlier in the month but haven't heard yet about it and heard on the grapevine someone much more attractive than me applied for it so am assuming at least that we'll be coming back here, not moving elsewhere on our return.

But even being pretty certain we'll be in the area and available for approval as foster carers, it still feels like we've set ourselves back with this - we won't be approved for at least another year, more like 18 months, and our personal timetable was to think about stopping trying to get pregnant and going all out for adoption at the earliest by this September and the latest next September. It looks like we won't even be approved as foster carers then. Which is depressing.

In other news, small overseas baby comes home to my colleague in about a month - very exciting. You have no idea (well, some of you do, but probably you don't) how difficult it is to find an adoption-friendly baby card in the UK. Not one with prams or "the birth of your baby" obviously, but many others are out for a variety of reasons. I finally found one with "Brand new Mummy and Daddy" on it which is a bit twee, but much more appropriate. The Twins ones were also all very twee. I'm making progress on a pile of knitting for all these babies, including the post-recurrent-pregnancy-loss-in-her-40s baby that was born last month - the hierarchy seems to be:

Baby after infertility - proper knitted garment
Singleton with no problems - hat
Twins after infertility - hats
Twins with no problems - bootees and definitely at the bottom of the pile.

Applications will be received and dealt with in the proper order. But two jackets nearly finished and two sets of bootees queued up means you could be waiting some time. Though if you are also waiting some time for your child, perhaps that will suit.

(PS Just had a knock on my door and my supervisor came in with a short but pleasant request. Very glad I had switched to my email as he read over my shoulder a pithy email from Mr Spouse, instead of this post...)