I keep meaning to post about my birthday, Valentines, my week of wellbeing, and other stuff. But instead I am going to go to bed.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Crazy lady...
Anyone else ever think of claiming they got a very faint positive, followed by a bleed, and weren't sure so wanted to go and get it checked out, just to make sure everything's still in place?
Or is it just me?
A post I've been meaning to write for a while, based on something geepeemum said (on her old site). Do we feel the need for others to validate our choices? If we are heading down a given route, do we suggest this to others in order to help us to feel this is the right choice? If they don't choose that route, does it make us feel it's less right, or that they are telling us it's less right?
So of our three or four couples of friends in similar circumstances, one continued to try to get pregnant despite three losses (and are now, what, 25 weeks pregnant?), but stated that adoption would never happen for them mainly because the husband would not accede to the home study/preparation process and the probable requirement for him to be an at-home dad. One is going for ICSI (MF; very negative about adopting from foster care) and one for international adoption, and then there's us - currently still trying but very much in favour of adopting from foster care.
I've had several people say "why aren't you doing IVF" (no point as the success rate is no higher than we currently have either for pregnancy or, hypothetically, for miscarriage); "would you consider donor eggs" (no, mainly because although we've a strong hunch we've no evidence my eggs are genetically cr*p but also because if we're going to have children that aren't related to us genetically we don't mind if they are unrelated to both of us); "why don't you think about adopting from overseas?" (because there's no guarantee we'd get a child who was either younger or less traumatised than one from the UK - sure, some people get lucky, but so do they with UK adoption).
But then I know I do it to others. I try and bring up adoption with the ICSI couple (she works in an inner city primary school and sees the result of some bad foster care arrangements) and the now-pregnant couple. I talk about domestic adoption to the overseas adoption couple (I think they are less concerned than us about children who don't look like they could belong genetically to one or other of us). I think I even asked the overseas adoption couple if they'd considered donor eggs, though to be fair on me as it's not a choice of ours it wasn't a validation question, it was more curiosity and possibly devil's advocate (as they'd probably be asked it in preparation).
The other thing I think we may do is, if a couple has an outcome that is good for them but would be very much second (or last) choice for us, is to feel sorry for them. We don't know if they tried things in chronological order because of the way the world is arranged, not because that's the order of their choices. The overseas adoption couple tried IVF but didn't get beyond the first scan, but for them it was really that if they wanted to try it at any point, they had to do it before adoption, as you can't do them in parallel and after adoption would be too late. I don't get the sense that it was first choice, and adoption was second, at least not after they had realised natural pregnancy wasn't happening. But I've not been privy to many people's decision-making processes in that way.
Or is it just me?
A post I've been meaning to write for a while, based on something geepeemum said (on her old site). Do we feel the need for others to validate our choices? If we are heading down a given route, do we suggest this to others in order to help us to feel this is the right choice? If they don't choose that route, does it make us feel it's less right, or that they are telling us it's less right?
So of our three or four couples of friends in similar circumstances, one continued to try to get pregnant despite three losses (and are now, what, 25 weeks pregnant?), but stated that adoption would never happen for them mainly because the husband would not accede to the home study/preparation process and the probable requirement for him to be an at-home dad. One is going for ICSI (MF; very negative about adopting from foster care) and one for international adoption, and then there's us - currently still trying but very much in favour of adopting from foster care.
I've had several people say "why aren't you doing IVF" (no point as the success rate is no higher than we currently have either for pregnancy or, hypothetically, for miscarriage); "would you consider donor eggs" (no, mainly because although we've a strong hunch we've no evidence my eggs are genetically cr*p but also because if we're going to have children that aren't related to us genetically we don't mind if they are unrelated to both of us); "why don't you think about adopting from overseas?" (because there's no guarantee we'd get a child who was either younger or less traumatised than one from the UK - sure, some people get lucky, but so do they with UK adoption).
But then I know I do it to others. I try and bring up adoption with the ICSI couple (she works in an inner city primary school and sees the result of some bad foster care arrangements) and the now-pregnant couple. I talk about domestic adoption to the overseas adoption couple (I think they are less concerned than us about children who don't look like they could belong genetically to one or other of us). I think I even asked the overseas adoption couple if they'd considered donor eggs, though to be fair on me as it's not a choice of ours it wasn't a validation question, it was more curiosity and possibly devil's advocate (as they'd probably be asked it in preparation).
The other thing I think we may do is, if a couple has an outcome that is good for them but would be very much second (or last) choice for us, is to feel sorry for them. We don't know if they tried things in chronological order because of the way the world is arranged, not because that's the order of their choices. The overseas adoption couple tried IVF but didn't get beyond the first scan, but for them it was really that if they wanted to try it at any point, they had to do it before adoption, as you can't do them in parallel and after adoption would be too late. I don't get the sense that it was first choice, and adoption was second, at least not after they had realised natural pregnancy wasn't happening. But I've not been privy to many people's decision-making processes in that way.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Pancakes
I am very bad at making English-style (or possibly really French-style) pancakes (crêpes). I can do American style ones, probably because that's what my mother taught me to make. Because of this, I am ashamed to say, despite my foodie pretensions, that I buy ready-made ones from Sainsbury's. I was thinking at the weekend how I could accomplish this as we had a busy day on Tuesday, including some horrid dental work on Mr Spouse, who was going to need a pickup afterwards, followed by choir.
I then remembered three years ago - not to the date, but to the festival - when I went to A&E with bleeding at 10 weeks in my first pregnancy, thought everything was going to be OK, went home and had ready-made pancakes, followed by a scan the next morning revealing an empty sac. I was confident that evening that NigelandDelia would make it. Mr Spouse wasn't.
Needless to say, the last few days have not been great. Three years ago we went to an Ash Wednesday service but yesterday I stayed late at work and we forgot until we'd finished dinner, at which point it was too late. We were both annoyed - it is a very appropriate service for our mood.
I have moaned before about my choir and the requirement to attend a certain number of rehearsals if you want to sing in the concert. I like some aspects of choir but don't feel excited about going to rehearsals, and it seems to be such an effort to make the required number of rehearsals, especially as work commitments can mean I then have to go when I'm feeling under the weather (as on Tuesday when I skipped it), so I think I am giving it up. It is a fairly prestigious choir with an audition requirement, but I guess I think they have an inflated opinion of themselves and the difficulty of the music as I have been told I can't sing in concerts I have definitely felt prepared for. We'll see what they say this term as the structure of the music means I am in a very small group for some pieces.
Sorry for the moan, got that off my chest now I think!
I then remembered three years ago - not to the date, but to the festival - when I went to A&E with bleeding at 10 weeks in my first pregnancy, thought everything was going to be OK, went home and had ready-made pancakes, followed by a scan the next morning revealing an empty sac. I was confident that evening that NigelandDelia would make it. Mr Spouse wasn't.
Needless to say, the last few days have not been great. Three years ago we went to an Ash Wednesday service but yesterday I stayed late at work and we forgot until we'd finished dinner, at which point it was too late. We were both annoyed - it is a very appropriate service for our mood.
I have moaned before about my choir and the requirement to attend a certain number of rehearsals if you want to sing in the concert. I like some aspects of choir but don't feel excited about going to rehearsals, and it seems to be such an effort to make the required number of rehearsals, especially as work commitments can mean I then have to go when I'm feeling under the weather (as on Tuesday when I skipped it), so I think I am giving it up. It is a fairly prestigious choir with an audition requirement, but I guess I think they have an inflated opinion of themselves and the difficulty of the music as I have been told I can't sing in concerts I have definitely felt prepared for. We'll see what they say this term as the structure of the music means I am in a very small group for some pieces.
Sorry for the moan, got that off my chest now I think!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Do I have the energy??!
With both of us being really sick last month while we were on holiday, not very much action took place (stop reading now if you really don't care!). I decided once we were hale and hearty that this month could be different.
We have a short trip over a weekend to a European capital, sounds perfect, especially (so those mice-and-men type plans went) given where it was in my cycle. But a lot of ganging agley has happened, with my cycle realigning itself earlier, and the three previous days being a work visit for me, and it looks like unless things get more delayed this cycle, we'll need to get active a few days earlier, and time it a bit better (I said stop reading - but basically morning I'm leaving on the trip, plus evening he joins me).
Question is, do I a) explain this to him in graphic detail or b) say I'm disappointed we'll miss the best days but can we do our best or c) not tell him anything and just try and persuade him I've been deprived/know I'm going to miss him loads??!
I have occasionally in the past suggested "the meter says today is a good day" and it's not been received totally negatively, but usually it's been in a situation where either today or tomorrow would do equally well. He doesn't have performance issues as such (the pointy pills, small yellow triangular ones not blue ones, are for his diabetes. The blue ones have to be taken on an empty stomach and interfere with digestion - how useful is that for diabetics who have to eat regularly?) but hates feeling pressured emotionally. He doesn't need the pointy pills that often, anyway, so it's not a case of needing advance notice.
We have a short trip over a weekend to a European capital, sounds perfect, especially (so those mice-and-men type plans went) given where it was in my cycle. But a lot of ganging agley has happened, with my cycle realigning itself earlier, and the three previous days being a work visit for me, and it looks like unless things get more delayed this cycle, we'll need to get active a few days earlier, and time it a bit better (I said stop reading - but basically morning I'm leaving on the trip, plus evening he joins me).
Question is, do I a) explain this to him in graphic detail or b) say I'm disappointed we'll miss the best days but can we do our best or c) not tell him anything and just try and persuade him I've been deprived/know I'm going to miss him loads??!
I have occasionally in the past suggested "the meter says today is a good day" and it's not been received totally negatively, but usually it's been in a situation where either today or tomorrow would do equally well. He doesn't have performance issues as such (the pointy pills, small yellow triangular ones not blue ones, are for his diabetes. The blue ones have to be taken on an empty stomach and interfere with digestion - how useful is that for diabetics who have to eat regularly?) but hates feeling pressured emotionally. He doesn't need the pointy pills that often, anyway, so it's not a case of needing advance notice.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Now I've gone and done it.
Come back! Come back! All is forgiven! Of course I didn't mean I was going to delete your blog from bloglines.
Here's what. I promise I'll never delete anyone's blog that has commented on my blog. That should give you sufficient reason tonever comment on mine.
Here's what. I promise I'll never delete anyone's blog that has commented on my blog. That should give you sufficient reason to
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Plus ca change...
New fretting this week - my period arrived two days early, despite knowing when I ovulated (at least, I know the earliest possible). I've never had a variable luteal phase, nor much in the way of spotting, so I'm panicking my reproductive system is packing up. Of course I know it hasn't and this can happen, but you know how it is. The dreadful cold that is only just going away meant precious little chance of anything other than a period, though, so I wasn't too surprised.
We are seeing a different social worker for the fostering tomorrow (the one we saw previously seemed really relaxed, probably because she was just about to retire. She didn't tell us that bit). I'm working from home so I guess it will be my lunch hour. Mr Spouse is still job-hunting so it's a good time to start the process - though I'm not actually clear if she is wanting another introductory chat, or this is the start of the home study proper. It's not normally done till after the preparation course in adoption, but perhaps they just want to get on with it for foster carers.
Almost everyone on my bloglines seems to be pregnant, even the ones in my "infertility/miscarriage/adoption" category, apart of course from the ones that have been matched with children. I only have one "parents" category (no "parenting after..." versus "never had any trouble...") but all the ones who are pregnant there, too, seem to be ones who graduated from the other category. Perhaps I want the bloggers I read to have a big struggle rather than just an average one as I'm thinking of crossing a few people off. Although some of them are people who have had a big struggle but I don't seem to be able to keep up with their prolific posting - I don't seem to read blogs as much these days.
Strangely, though, one of the most prolific blogs (Daddy Types) is so not about infertiles, and I would never delete that one. They have such fun toys!
On another note, why oh why oh why does Blogger tell me at least three times every time I bring it up that I don't have cookies enabled? On about the third or fourth attempt it will then show me the dashboard as if it had never refused me anything.
We are seeing a different social worker for the fostering tomorrow (the one we saw previously seemed really relaxed, probably because she was just about to retire. She didn't tell us that bit). I'm working from home so I guess it will be my lunch hour. Mr Spouse is still job-hunting so it's a good time to start the process - though I'm not actually clear if she is wanting another introductory chat, or this is the start of the home study proper. It's not normally done till after the preparation course in adoption, but perhaps they just want to get on with it for foster carers.
Almost everyone on my bloglines seems to be pregnant, even the ones in my "infertility/miscarriage/adoption" category, apart of course from the ones that have been matched with children. I only have one "parents" category (no "parenting after..." versus "never had any trouble...") but all the ones who are pregnant there, too, seem to be ones who graduated from the other category. Perhaps I want the bloggers I read to have a big struggle rather than just an average one as I'm thinking of crossing a few people off. Although some of them are people who have had a big struggle but I don't seem to be able to keep up with their prolific posting - I don't seem to read blogs as much these days.
Strangely, though, one of the most prolific blogs (Daddy Types) is so not about infertiles, and I would never delete that one. They have such fun toys!
On another note, why oh why oh why does Blogger tell me at least three times every time I bring it up that I don't have cookies enabled? On about the third or fourth attempt it will then show me the dashboard as if it had never refused me anything.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Not another pregnant friend
That could be read as "Not another pregnant friend" (why do the have the temerity to keep reproducing when we can't?) or "My friend is not pregnant/no longer pregnant". In fact it is "Not your average pregnant friend". Our friend M has just had her 20 week anomaly scan and all was well. This after 3 unexplained miscarriages (and a possible fourth very early one). She is 44. We are very pleased for her. I do not feel any of the normal jealousy - I just feel this is a hopeful sign for us.
I rang the friend with the failed ICSI after Christmas and had a nice long chat and she is obviously finding the twins news hard. She heard the day after her period started (she was asked to test on a set day anyway and so it was the day before she got a negative test). She is a very positive person and seems to be putting a brave face on it but must make a mental note to call her often and see how she is doing. I don't call my friends enough.
We spent King's Day with my nieces who are mainly nice and (although my mother has opinions on everything and anything) on the whole thriving though I am heartily glad we were staying down the road and not with them, given the lack of bedtimes (I know their little cousins have later bedtimes than British kids, but they have them) and my brother's insistence that his children will not need to go to school because he will be able to teach them everything they need to know, and ditto that I know nothing about current research into the best educational methods.
I should be back at work but I have the tail end of dreadful flu and a meeting which involves a long journey - part of it tomorrow and part on Monday - so I am ignoring work and nagging Mr Spouse and blogging.
I rang the friend with the failed ICSI after Christmas and had a nice long chat and she is obviously finding the twins news hard. She heard the day after her period started (she was asked to test on a set day anyway and so it was the day before she got a negative test). She is a very positive person and seems to be putting a brave face on it but must make a mental note to call her often and see how she is doing. I don't call my friends enough.
We spent King's Day with my nieces who are mainly nice and (although my mother has opinions on everything and anything) on the whole thriving though I am heartily glad we were staying down the road and not with them, given the lack of bedtimes (I know their little cousins have later bedtimes than British kids, but they have them) and my brother's insistence that his children will not need to go to school because he will be able to teach them everything they need to know, and ditto that I know nothing about current research into the best educational methods.
I should be back at work but I have the tail end of dreadful flu and a meeting which involves a long journey - part of it tomorrow and part on Monday - so I am ignoring work and nagging Mr Spouse and blogging.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Holy Innocents
Today is the day the Church remembers the children massacred by Herod: Rachel weeping for her children.
It is also my due date. It has been an OK day, or even a good day. We're in a posh hotel for a few nights before going away to see the family hordes, and had my mother and mother-in-law for Christmas, so need a break. Today was a museum, shopping, and church. Tomorrow a massage, returning some Christmas presents, and a meal out in the evening; for once I seem to have a more interesting new year planned than most of my friends.
It is also my due date. It has been an OK day, or even a good day. We're in a posh hotel for a few nights before going away to see the family hordes, and had my mother and mother-in-law for Christmas, so need a break. Today was a museum, shopping, and church. Tomorrow a massage, returning some Christmas presents, and a meal out in the evening; for once I seem to have a more interesting new year planned than most of my friends.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Should I call? Or will it make it worse?
1) Very close friend S (was my best woman) and her husband J - I blogged about this - had a recently failed ICSI cycle. Just got a Christmas card from her best woman R. She has a son about the age our first would have been, and confided she had to have some kind of op (to remove polyps? is that even likely?) and then got pregnant. She is expecting twins. I imagine S knew about R's pregnancy before we did, but she hasn't mentioned it, though this may be because R didn't want her to. Not sure if I should call and see how she's doing in light of this.
2) Friend S at work - adopting from central America - I saw a few days ago that adoptions have been closed from her country - now, I am assuming she knows as the news is a little old, but after she got her referral, no idea how these things work, whether they would just slam the door on everyone, or process people who had got beyond a certain stage, or if the cutoff is in the future. They had originally planned to adopt from China but her husband M is too old, and I told her as soon as I saw the news, they contacted their agency who asked if they'd like to be rushed through, and they said no, they'd switch countries. So I feel like the bearer of bad news/as if I am poking them with a stick reminding them if they already know.
Dilemmas. I would maybe email the second couple before going back to work in January, as I don't know them that well, but a friendly Christmas call to my friends S & J would be appropriate anyway.
(Edited: I just looked up more about the overseas adoption news and it looks like they may have gotten far enough along in the process that they will be OK. But I'm still not sure whether to ask or not)
2) Friend S at work - adopting from central America - I saw a few days ago that adoptions have been closed from her country - now, I am assuming she knows as the news is a little old, but after she got her referral, no idea how these things work, whether they would just slam the door on everyone, or process people who had got beyond a certain stage, or if the cutoff is in the future. They had originally planned to adopt from China but her husband M is too old, and I told her as soon as I saw the news, they contacted their agency who asked if they'd like to be rushed through, and they said no, they'd switch countries. So I feel like the bearer of bad news/as if I am poking them with a stick reminding them if they already know.
Dilemmas. I would maybe email the second couple before going back to work in January, as I don't know them that well, but a friendly Christmas call to my friends S & J would be appropriate anyway.
(Edited: I just looked up more about the overseas adoption news and it looks like they may have gotten far enough along in the process that they will be OK. But I'm still not sure whether to ask or not)
Friday, December 21, 2007
Just relax(in)
I was intrigued to find, at a small internal conference, a poster by a student in another department at my university, on this link - the possibility that relaxin may be crucial for embryo implantation. I think this is well-known in animal research but it seems they are only just transferring it to humans. Not that relevant to me, but I'm not sure the article would have meant much to me at all if I hadn't had a few pregnancies and/or read up about reproductive physiology a bit.
Anyway I am pretty exhausted after a long haul up to Christmas, and am in theory supposed to be doing some work today, but so far have only answered a few emails and developed period pain and a headache. I'm not sure if I really wanted to be stressed and pregnant again on the anniversary of my first positive pregnancy test and Sproutetta's due date (both the 30th) but I'm not.
It's been 6 cycles since my last pregnancy ended and this is the point at which I started making appointments to see the GP the first time around - and started the blog. I am not sure seeing anyone about fertility is what I want to do at this stage - all the fixable and permanent/structural things, as well as MF, have been ruled out, both medically and by our approximately 6-9 month latency of pregnancy on average. I know I'm ovulating every month as I get very clear progesterone symptoms (actually feeling hot, sore boobs, some cramps). If I didn't have a calendar I would still know when day 21 was. I suppose I could ask for an FSH test but although if it was massively elevated it might make us decide to give up on even trying to get pregnant, we aren't in a position to do anything else in the next year, so we might as well just carry on. I guess I feel OK about this.
I was very weepy yesterday watching Cranford (it's a period drama, based very loosely on some novels by Mrs Gaskell) for some bizarre reason (a small boy with a thirst for literacy but whose father doesn't see the point of books is taken in by a kindly clerk, who dies and leaves him money to go to school and indeed to build a school). Mr Spouse gave me a hug and suggested we steal a small Central American baby when we go to the US. "No-one will notice", he said kindly.
Anyway I am pretty exhausted after a long haul up to Christmas, and am in theory supposed to be doing some work today, but so far have only answered a few emails and developed period pain and a headache. I'm not sure if I really wanted to be stressed and pregnant again on the anniversary of my first positive pregnancy test and Sproutetta's due date (both the 30th) but I'm not.
It's been 6 cycles since my last pregnancy ended and this is the point at which I started making appointments to see the GP the first time around - and started the blog. I am not sure seeing anyone about fertility is what I want to do at this stage - all the fixable and permanent/structural things, as well as MF, have been ruled out, both medically and by our approximately 6-9 month latency of pregnancy on average. I know I'm ovulating every month as I get very clear progesterone symptoms (actually feeling hot, sore boobs, some cramps). If I didn't have a calendar I would still know when day 21 was. I suppose I could ask for an FSH test but although if it was massively elevated it might make us decide to give up on even trying to get pregnant, we aren't in a position to do anything else in the next year, so we might as well just carry on. I guess I feel OK about this.
I was very weepy yesterday watching Cranford (it's a period drama, based very loosely on some novels by Mrs Gaskell) for some bizarre reason (a small boy with a thirst for literacy but whose father doesn't see the point of books is taken in by a kindly clerk, who dies and leaves him money to go to school and indeed to build a school). Mr Spouse gave me a hug and suggested we steal a small Central American baby when we go to the US. "No-one will notice", he said kindly.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Miscommunication
The other day:
Me: Mmm, hellooooo, are you awake?
Him: What does your meter* say?
Me: Red, why?
Him: Well, that's more complicated, not sure I feel like...
Me: Well, you're a bit late to think about that, we've been ignoring it so far!
Him: Oh, I thought we were paying attention to it...
I apologised the next day for not discussing it with him.
Him: Oh, I just do what you tell me. I don't mind.
You can see why I love him.
Me: Mmm, hellooooo, are you awake?
Him: What does your meter* say?
Me: Red, why?
Him: Well, that's more complicated, not sure I feel like...
Me: Well, you're a bit late to think about that, we've been ignoring it so far!
Him: Oh, I thought we were paying attention to it...
I apologised the next day for not discussing it with him.
Him: Oh, I just do what you tell me. I don't mind.
You can see why I love him.
Friday, November 30, 2007
More news from the trenches
Recently I have noticed that when I am awake at night worrying, or sitting at my desk trying to think of something to write on a project, or lying on my yoga mat, it is mainly not having a baby that is preoccupying my mind. It is mainly work, or Alien Spouse*'s work, or family arrangements, or what we're doing at the weekend, or the dismal state of repair/tidiness of our house (the last much improved recently actually).
I'm not sure if this is a sign of a lot going on at work, or in other parts of my life, or if my mood has actually improved, or if it's the omega 3s, or having a somewhat less stressed Alien Spouse, but it's quite good. I even heard that one of the admin people at work is expecting a second baby (her first was born two months before our first would have been - so I knew she was pregnant when I wasn't telling people I was), and managed not to cry at my desk later.
In other news, and I am shamefully late with this first one, S at work and her husband have heard they have a referral for a baby in Central America. Fabulous news as they were not sure the programme was even continuing. Very young baby - as it is so rare in the UK to adopt from overseas I have probably already said too much.
Secondly however I got a text from my best woman tonight saying she had a negative test after their first ICSI. "Gutted" obviously, but clearly that doesn't even begin to describe it. I don't know whether to call or leave them to have some space so I think I will text back and suggest she calls if she needs to. I think we are probably lucky that we haven't had to consider that - although it has at times been very frustrating to have month after month of nothing, we've never really had one big cycle that everything was hanging on, nor any reason to believe we can't get pregnant on our own. Having something they can theoretically fix must make it much worse when the fixing doesn't work.
*In preparation for our possible US stay we've been looking up visas - I am a citizen, which seems to make things more complicated, not less. But this makes him an Alien Spouse. I told him to comb his tentacles and hide them under a hat at the interview.
I'm not sure if this is a sign of a lot going on at work, or in other parts of my life, or if my mood has actually improved, or if it's the omega 3s, or having a somewhat less stressed Alien Spouse, but it's quite good. I even heard that one of the admin people at work is expecting a second baby (her first was born two months before our first would have been - so I knew she was pregnant when I wasn't telling people I was), and managed not to cry at my desk later.
In other news, and I am shamefully late with this first one, S at work and her husband have heard they have a referral for a baby in Central America. Fabulous news as they were not sure the programme was even continuing. Very young baby - as it is so rare in the UK to adopt from overseas I have probably already said too much.
Secondly however I got a text from my best woman tonight saying she had a negative test after their first ICSI. "Gutted" obviously, but clearly that doesn't even begin to describe it. I don't know whether to call or leave them to have some space so I think I will text back and suggest she calls if she needs to. I think we are probably lucky that we haven't had to consider that - although it has at times been very frustrating to have month after month of nothing, we've never really had one big cycle that everything was hanging on, nor any reason to believe we can't get pregnant on our own. Having something they can theoretically fix must make it much worse when the fixing doesn't work.
*In preparation for our possible US stay we've been looking up visas - I am a citizen, which seems to make things more complicated, not less. But this makes him an Alien Spouse. I told him to comb his tentacles and hide them under a hat at the interview.
Monday, November 12, 2007
It never rains but it pours...
Sorry for the deluge of posts after the silence! I had been very mysterious about a couple of things before going away but the summary is I'd applied for a job, had a telephone interview while I was away, but didn't get it. I should hear this week whether my work is going to give me a sabbatical but if they don't, although I will be complaining vociferously (there are equal opps issues) that should mean we are staying put and not just doing the training and approval process for foster care, but actually going ahead with some placements, in 2008. If we did go away on sabbatical we'd probably get the training and approval out of the way before we went, but no placements.
I think you need to reconfirm your approval annually, so we'd then need to be reconfirmed when we returned. But that wouldn't be a big deal. And by that time we would probably have decided whether that is our long-term future or whether we want to switch to adoption - but I'd be happy to do the respite foster caring while we went through adoption approval.
I think you need to reconfirm your approval annually, so we'd then need to be reconfirmed when we returned. But that wouldn't be a big deal. And by that time we would probably have decided whether that is our long-term future or whether we want to switch to adoption - but I'd be happy to do the respite foster caring while we went through adoption approval.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
If you had never seen or heard of an ultrasound
what would you think of it?
A colleague is starting a research project which will involve giving ultrasounds to pregnant women in a developing country. While there are lots of benefits, I am sure, especially as many of these mothers are at risk of mental health problems and bonding with their baby may help them with this, lots of them are at risk for other things - particularly stillbirth - some of which might be noticed on an ultrasound before they are noticed at birth. Would it be isolating or traumatic to find out something was badly wrong before birth, when you knew other women who'd had a stillbirth or a neonatal death but mainly they had found out after the birth that something was wrong? Would you think the ultrasound had caused the problem?
I've been involved with the consent explanations for this - the information sheet you get when participating in medical research, in this case including an oral explanation - and I've probably had the most ultrasounds of anyone involved on the project, including the British colleague with two children. So I'm gathering my thoughts for further information that the women might need, that we can add to the explanations.
A colleague is starting a research project which will involve giving ultrasounds to pregnant women in a developing country. While there are lots of benefits, I am sure, especially as many of these mothers are at risk of mental health problems and bonding with their baby may help them with this, lots of them are at risk for other things - particularly stillbirth - some of which might be noticed on an ultrasound before they are noticed at birth. Would it be isolating or traumatic to find out something was badly wrong before birth, when you knew other women who'd had a stillbirth or a neonatal death but mainly they had found out after the birth that something was wrong? Would you think the ultrasound had caused the problem?
I've been involved with the consent explanations for this - the information sheet you get when participating in medical research, in this case including an oral explanation - and I've probably had the most ultrasounds of anyone involved on the project, including the British colleague with two children. So I'm gathering my thoughts for further information that the women might need, that we can add to the explanations.
Surprise...
is the name of a two-year-old chimpanzee. She lives with her mother, Katie, in a refuge for orphaned and trafficked chimpanzees. As the refuge area is only theoretically big enough for four chimps to have enough to eat in the wild, and in fact more than 40 live there (they are fed four times daily by their keepers), the females are given contraceptive implants - but, like humans, they don't always work. Hence Surprise. We saw her and the other 40 on their island last Saturday.
All of the other chimps want to care for Surprise, but Katie only lets those who have been nice to her in the past have contact with the baby. Most of the new chimps who come into the refuge are quite young, less than 3 years old (chimps stay with their mother until they are about 12) - usually they are orphaned when their parents are killed, or discovered when someone is trying to sell them as house pets or to a circus - and the other adult chimps also compete to become a foster carer for the new babies. Seems that chimps can also feel childless.
I am of course very interested in primate communication, though, so I'll not have any comments about how very human they are, and how they can TALK you know, TALK. They have some gestures - but according to my data, the ones they develop spontaneously or learn from each other are about the level of a 6 to 7 month-old human infant. If you are at all interested, the difference between the species seems to be mainly due to the human infant's desperate desire to connect with, copy, and attend to the same things as, older humans. Chimps may love each other and they are definitely affectionate but they when they make eye contact it is direct - they don't seem to work out that someone else looking at something means they are paying attention to it, nor therefore to extrapolate that the look-er wants them to pay attention too.
All of the other chimps want to care for Surprise, but Katie only lets those who have been nice to her in the past have contact with the baby. Most of the new chimps who come into the refuge are quite young, less than 3 years old (chimps stay with their mother until they are about 12) - usually they are orphaned when their parents are killed, or discovered when someone is trying to sell them as house pets or to a circus - and the other adult chimps also compete to become a foster carer for the new babies. Seems that chimps can also feel childless.
I am of course very interested in primate communication, though, so I'll not have any comments about how very human they are, and how they can TALK you know, TALK. They have some gestures - but according to my data, the ones they develop spontaneously or learn from each other are about the level of a 6 to 7 month-old human infant. If you are at all interested, the difference between the species seems to be mainly due to the human infant's desperate desire to connect with, copy, and attend to the same things as, older humans. Chimps may love each other and they are definitely affectionate but they when they make eye contact it is direct - they don't seem to work out that someone else looking at something means they are paying attention to it, nor therefore to extrapolate that the look-er wants them to pay attention too.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Off
Tomorrow afternoon, to foreign and warm, but probably quite rainy climes - it's the rainy season - Mr Spouse said "ooh, there will be thunderstorms, shall I take a raincoat" and I pointed out that a) he'd just get sweaty and b) that just means lots of rain as that's what tropical rain does.
He has been with me before but it was the dry season. He has just left his increasingly horrible job, the nicest part about it recently being the large redundancy payment, and will be looking for a new one when we get back.
I actually have a post in my head but may not get time to write it tomorrow, so behave yourselves while I'm gone.
He has been with me before but it was the dry season. He has just left his increasingly horrible job, the nicest part about it recently being the large redundancy payment, and will be looking for a new one when we get back.
I actually have a post in my head but may not get time to write it tomorrow, so behave yourselves while I'm gone.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Stuck
I have been feeling a little stuck recently - possibly because we are having an enforced break for a month (maybe two), but this has been highlighted by lovely news from three adoption blogs - jennyanydots has been linked with a child and has started visiting Mothercare; and both Jonathan at Life and Times * and Vivien at Getting off the Rollercoaster have been approved to adopt. Meanwhile we haven't been able to sign up for this month's foster carer preparation course as it extends into our overseas trip, and there is so much uncertainty at work. And I feel bad to compare people who have been through such a lot, to where I am now, but can't help feeling perhaps we should have chosen not to keep trying, and we might be there ourselves now.
This might involve longer periods overseas, which would be lovely but which would mean no adoption process for at least two years, or it might mean a move within the UK next year, but moving to a different area could make things harder or easier. We just don't know. If we do go overseas, we might get trained as foster carers and do some caring before we go, or we might not have time. And other things that I would like to do and in fact have told people I will do - like starting a new Brownie group - are having to be on hold, and I can't tell people why, exactly the same as when I was pregnant in the spring.
My mother and one of my many aunts were visiting at the weekend and we were looking at our wedding photos. We saw my grandfather (father of this aunt, but not my mother) and his wife (stepmother that this aunt grew up with) as well as my father-in-law and my friend A, all of whom have died since then, two of them somewhat (in A's case very) before their time. I also saw all the babies and two or three pregnant ladies and remembered that at the time I thought "it will be my turn next". I felt sad. I said it was because of A - and of course, it was, but also for other reasons.
And of course now there are the usual large number of large pregnant ladies around, only now I know that's what I would have been like now, which I am finding Hard. I actually don't feel as sad as I did around this stage two years ago, before my first due date, and although this sounds like I am feeling really negative at the moment, in fact I am surprisingly OK - I am, for a wonder, throwing myself into my work (ignore the timestamp on this... I have almost got my October list of things to do, done, so am giving myself a break) hence lack of commenting on other people's blogs.
We are discussing what to do for Christmas, when I would have been imminently due - my preference is somewhere far, far away or at least private - my due date was Dec 30th officially so I am hoping that concentrating on that particular date will help me get through Christmas, and will mean I can cope with family in the New Year when people seem to be planning a get-together, with my insensitive brother, very busy sister-in-law and noisy nieces.
*blog very general and mainly about software - but there are so few UK adoption blogs, even including the few overseas adoption blogs, that I feel I need to read them all.
This might involve longer periods overseas, which would be lovely but which would mean no adoption process for at least two years, or it might mean a move within the UK next year, but moving to a different area could make things harder or easier. We just don't know. If we do go overseas, we might get trained as foster carers and do some caring before we go, or we might not have time. And other things that I would like to do and in fact have told people I will do - like starting a new Brownie group - are having to be on hold, and I can't tell people why, exactly the same as when I was pregnant in the spring.
My mother and one of my many aunts were visiting at the weekend and we were looking at our wedding photos. We saw my grandfather (father of this aunt, but not my mother) and his wife (stepmother that this aunt grew up with) as well as my father-in-law and my friend A, all of whom have died since then, two of them somewhat (in A's case very) before their time. I also saw all the babies and two or three pregnant ladies and remembered that at the time I thought "it will be my turn next". I felt sad. I said it was because of A - and of course, it was, but also for other reasons.
And of course now there are the usual large number of large pregnant ladies around, only now I know that's what I would have been like now, which I am finding Hard. I actually don't feel as sad as I did around this stage two years ago, before my first due date, and although this sounds like I am feeling really negative at the moment, in fact I am surprisingly OK - I am, for a wonder, throwing myself into my work (ignore the timestamp on this... I have almost got my October list of things to do, done, so am giving myself a break) hence lack of commenting on other people's blogs.
We are discussing what to do for Christmas, when I would have been imminently due - my preference is somewhere far, far away or at least private - my due date was Dec 30th officially so I am hoping that concentrating on that particular date will help me get through Christmas, and will mean I can cope with family in the New Year when people seem to be planning a get-together, with my insensitive brother, very busy sister-in-law and noisy nieces.
*blog very general and mainly about software - but there are so few UK adoption blogs, even including the few overseas adoption blogs, that I feel I need to read them all.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Other people's stories
Just for a change.
S, my colleague at work, and her husband, M (however I put those two together if you are British it spells something silly or unfortunate) have been approved for adoption in Guatemala. These are the couple who had only just started when adoption in China was closed to those over 45 (I believe - too young for them anyway). She sounds very tired of the process and not at all excited - the US agency they would go through has just warned them that things may be closing down in Guatemala. They are not sure they would try another country, having initially thought about Russia, then China, they feel this may be the end of the road.
The other S, my best woman, and her husband, J, have an IVF information and planning appointment next week. I am assuming she will be starting downregulation (that's the sniffing, right?) a week later on her next CD1. I think she needs to get on t'internet as I think I know more about it than she does. I say IVF, but it will actually be ICSI - turns out J has low sperm count and motility (I think - perhaps it was poor morphology). She sounds slightly overwhelmed, which is not surprising since they were only told in August that they would need this and could have 2 rounds on the NHS, starting right now as she is 38, though he is a lot younger.
Apparently J's brother also has male factor, and in his case it is not fixable, and has probably contributed to the breakdown of his marriage. Both her sisters-in-law (one each side) are pregnant, one in SE Asia (S: She was a bit worried at the start of the pregnancy, not sure why. Me: Er, malaria? Very bad for babies? Causes miscarriages? S: I thought it was only dangerous after birth. Me: No - mosquitoes like pregnant women, too, because they are warm, and the parasite likes bits of you with lots of small capillaries, like your brain or the placenta. Actually (though I didn't say this) it is a huge risk factor throughout pregnancy).
Went to see Dr Alternative yesterday, who again recommended homeopathy (I had stopped taking it on the grounds that a) I don't believe in it and b) it was making me feel ill). Might not do me any harm to give up coffee again, though. He was even more pleasant this time, though he still harped on IVF, and it still won't increase our chances of pregnancy over what we've managed so far, nor decrease our chances of miscarriage, he was more accepting of our reasons not to do it. He reminded me I need to find a different, less food-Nazi, acupuncturist locally. He also said I looked well, and I think I do feel well. I've had a fairly calm summer, and I actually think some of the supplements might be helping me feel calmer and more productive. If I had to put my finger on it I'd say the omega-3s.
S, my colleague at work, and her husband, M (however I put those two together if you are British it spells something silly or unfortunate) have been approved for adoption in Guatemala. These are the couple who had only just started when adoption in China was closed to those over 45 (I believe - too young for them anyway). She sounds very tired of the process and not at all excited - the US agency they would go through has just warned them that things may be closing down in Guatemala. They are not sure they would try another country, having initially thought about Russia, then China, they feel this may be the end of the road.
The other S, my best woman, and her husband, J, have an IVF information and planning appointment next week. I am assuming she will be starting downregulation (that's the sniffing, right?) a week later on her next CD1. I think she needs to get on t'internet as I think I know more about it than she does. I say IVF, but it will actually be ICSI - turns out J has low sperm count and motility (I think - perhaps it was poor morphology). She sounds slightly overwhelmed, which is not surprising since they were only told in August that they would need this and could have 2 rounds on the NHS, starting right now as she is 38, though he is a lot younger.
Apparently J's brother also has male factor, and in his case it is not fixable, and has probably contributed to the breakdown of his marriage. Both her sisters-in-law (one each side) are pregnant, one in SE Asia (S: She was a bit worried at the start of the pregnancy, not sure why. Me: Er, malaria? Very bad for babies? Causes miscarriages? S: I thought it was only dangerous after birth. Me: No - mosquitoes like pregnant women, too, because they are warm, and the parasite likes bits of you with lots of small capillaries, like your brain or the placenta. Actually (though I didn't say this) it is a huge risk factor throughout pregnancy).
Went to see Dr Alternative yesterday, who again recommended homeopathy (I had stopped taking it on the grounds that a) I don't believe in it and b) it was making me feel ill). Might not do me any harm to give up coffee again, though. He was even more pleasant this time, though he still harped on IVF, and it still won't increase our chances of pregnancy over what we've managed so far, nor decrease our chances of miscarriage, he was more accepting of our reasons not to do it. He reminded me I need to find a different, less food-Nazi, acupuncturist locally. He also said I looked well, and I think I do feel well. I've had a fairly calm summer, and I actually think some of the supplements might be helping me feel calmer and more productive. If I had to put my finger on it I'd say the omega-3s.
Friday, September 28, 2007
No nothing
Here we have:
No pregnancies, ongoing or otherwise (so Vivien is quite safe here)
No trying to get pregnant, either - Mr Spouse has decided that we will be OK using Persona-as-it-was-intended for the next month. We'll see how he feels after 10 red days...
No foster carer preparation course (it starts before we go away to Foreign Parts but we wouldn't finish it)
No social worker (she was supposed to come round and check our forms, but got held up at work - not complaining - but she didn't call - I think this is common - still, they aren't as bad as workmen, eh?)
No actual tears, yet, but they may be triggered by either my neighbour/workmate bringing her sick baby in to the office as she can't go to nursery and there's a big job on at the moment or the thought that our lovely family house that was supposed to have nappies in the airing cupboard and a new loo under the stairs when they grew into bathroom-hogging teenagers, may never see children, if my pending job application goes anywhere.
No pregnancies, ongoing or otherwise (so Vivien is quite safe here)
No trying to get pregnant, either - Mr Spouse has decided that we will be OK using Persona-as-it-was-intended for the next month. We'll see how he feels after 10 red days...
No foster carer preparation course (it starts before we go away to Foreign Parts but we wouldn't finish it)
No social worker (she was supposed to come round and check our forms, but got held up at work - not complaining - but she didn't call - I think this is common - still, they aren't as bad as workmen, eh?)
No actual tears, yet, but they may be triggered by either my neighbour/workmate bringing her sick baby in to the office as she can't go to nursery and there's a big job on at the moment or the thought that our lovely family house that was supposed to have nappies in the airing cupboard and a new loo under the stairs when they grew into bathroom-hogging teenagers, may never see children, if my pending job application goes anywhere.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Philosophical
I'm not quite sure why we bothered with all that, erm, as Mr Spouse put it, activity, as it's CD1, bang on time, today. Of course I did a small test yesterday, and of course I've been wondering what would happen if I were pregnant. What would have happened was:
But it's scary doing that for a non-medical reason - which is why we haven't since I had a complete meltdown two months after the first miscarriage and Mr Spouse insisted. I feel like I have about 10 eggs left and skipping a month leaves me with 9.
Edit, in response to comment, as it seemed simpler than a v long comment myself, or a whole new post:
I've had four miscarriages, and apart from the most recent one, no pregnancy has effectively developed beyond 6 weeks. This doesn't fit the pattern of an anatomical irregularity, though I'm not completely familiar with this, my understanding is these are usually later first-trimester. My most developed foetus was only just under 8w.
But I've also had: lap & dye, numerous internal scans, and very good care from one of the main research centres in the UK in recurrent miscarriage. RCOG guidelines (medics' version here) suggest that internal scans are just as good as HSG (which I've effectively had, anyway) in diagnosing these.
- I wouldn't be able to have my travel vaccinations tomorrow
- I would have had to wait to see if I miscarried at 5w again to book our overseas trip
- If I hadn't we wouldn't have been able to go to malarial parts at the end of October
- Mr Spouse would have been very cross as he has arranged for his last day at work to allow this trip
- and to use part of his large redundancy payment for the trip, too - I'm going for work but he's going along for the ride
- Things would have got very complicated with a potential new job application too as
- I have a very very long notice period and although
- I actually am hoping applying for this will nudge my current employers into a possible promotion
- I wouldn't have been able to say anything to either of them and
- if I had moved jobs I wouldn't have got salary-related maternity pay.
But it's scary doing that for a non-medical reason - which is why we haven't since I had a complete meltdown two months after the first miscarriage and Mr Spouse insisted. I feel like I have about 10 eggs left and skipping a month leaves me with 9.
Edit, in response to comment, as it seemed simpler than a v long comment myself, or a whole new post:
I've had four miscarriages, and apart from the most recent one, no pregnancy has effectively developed beyond 6 weeks. This doesn't fit the pattern of an anatomical irregularity, though I'm not completely familiar with this, my understanding is these are usually later first-trimester. My most developed foetus was only just under 8w.
But I've also had: lap & dye, numerous internal scans, and very good care from one of the main research centres in the UK in recurrent miscarriage. RCOG guidelines (medics' version here) suggest that internal scans are just as good as HSG (which I've effectively had, anyway) in diagnosing these.
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