The problem with this IComLeaveWe is that I'm going to actually have to write some posts for people to comment on, aren't I?
Annoying holiday couple aka Mr Spouse's best man and wife are due to have their (very much waited for and conceived without intervention but after many many investigations) baby in four weeks' time. Mrs AHC is on maternity leave already but this is partly as she had a secondment from work in a different town which just ended so there seemed little point in going back to the regular job. Apparently the baby "is already 6lb 7" so they think "it's going to come early". No, dear, it's going to come at about 42w and is going to be 10lb. Am I allowed to tell her that? And that labour will be horrendous?
S & J aka my best woman and husband also have happy news - they should be 9w pregnant by now from a 2nd FET following a failed ICSI and an early miscarraige - well, last weekend they were 8w and they had seen the heartbeat at 6w so, given they don't have my horrendous history, I'm confident things will be well for them.
So I can think of a couple more things to say but I'll eke them out into another post, I think, so I have more for people to comment on!
Edited to add the 21st September IComLeavWe comment spots, really so I can remember myself!
I heart internet
Reservado para futura mama which gets my vote as cutest title
Life After Infertility and Loss
The Not So Secret Life of Us (I wonder if I'm the only one who used to be addicted to that TV series?)
Something to Blog About
And my return-comment was to
Mom of One For Now
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
A comment on a comment
This was going to get quite long to be a reply to a comment on someone else's post so I decided to make my own new post replying to a comment by Michelle on a post over at Henry Street.
Michelle says "What's interesting is how people try to conceive a child naturally, can't, then choose the adoption route."
I know that this is true for many families, that biological conception the "regular" way is their first choice, then adoption is only considered after at least that one option has been exhausted. Some will never even seek a diagnosis or investigations for infertility before going for adoption, although they will have tried to give birth but will not. Some, however, do choose adoption first - some are single parents, some are same-sex couples, some feel a very strong desire to adopt (and some of these go through foster care adoption, though some feel a really strong desire to adopt from a specific overseas country, or to go through domestic adoption), and some do have one or more biological children and have no infertility issues but feel that adoption is right to complete their family. Since adoption is about the child not the parents then there is a significant minority of parents who feel that bringing a new child into the world, rather than giving a home to a child who needs one, is not right for them.
But even looking at just heterosexual couples who have experienced fertility issues, the main reason I feel why people first try to conceive and then decide to adopt is that adoption is relatively speaking, extremely rare. Adults of my generation will know adopted peers but I know very few families who have adopted - and some of them I only know because we're investigating adoption. Some couples may have a strong bias towards genetic children - some though may even feel they don't want to have genetic children because of an inherited disease or because pregnancy presents a very specific health risk to the female partner. But finding families who have adopted, and adoption being a normal part of life, is just not where we are in the West, so it's not on many people's radar.
And it's also, completely rightly so, very hard to do. Adoption is about finding a family for a child who needs one - perhaps reproduction should be harder for most people, but good luck to anyone who tries to legislate that.
My take is that people go with the easiest option that they know most about (the one involving two adults who love each other very much...) and then if that fails, they move to an option that's acceptable for them and accessible to them. IVF, for example, is not acceptable to everyone, and not accessible to some either - I think more couples in the UK skip IVF as paying for medical care is not possible, or even on the radar, for a lot of people, and not everyone can get it paid for, while foster care adoption is free. People who choose adoption early, or even first, are often those who know about it first hand, from their extended family.
I have even heard about families who've been asked why they didn't consider IVF or some other form of ART if they are adopting - and some odd attitudes from social workers for couples who choose adoption either as their first choice or if they are not infertile (e.g. to add to or complete a family).
Michelle says "What's interesting is how people try to conceive a child naturally, can't, then choose the adoption route."
I know that this is true for many families, that biological conception the "regular" way is their first choice, then adoption is only considered after at least that one option has been exhausted. Some will never even seek a diagnosis or investigations for infertility before going for adoption, although they will have tried to give birth but will not. Some, however, do choose adoption first - some are single parents, some are same-sex couples, some feel a very strong desire to adopt (and some of these go through foster care adoption, though some feel a really strong desire to adopt from a specific overseas country, or to go through domestic adoption), and some do have one or more biological children and have no infertility issues but feel that adoption is right to complete their family. Since adoption is about the child not the parents then there is a significant minority of parents who feel that bringing a new child into the world, rather than giving a home to a child who needs one, is not right for them.
But even looking at just heterosexual couples who have experienced fertility issues, the main reason I feel why people first try to conceive and then decide to adopt is that adoption is relatively speaking, extremely rare. Adults of my generation will know adopted peers but I know very few families who have adopted - and some of them I only know because we're investigating adoption. Some couples may have a strong bias towards genetic children - some though may even feel they don't want to have genetic children because of an inherited disease or because pregnancy presents a very specific health risk to the female partner. But finding families who have adopted, and adoption being a normal part of life, is just not where we are in the West, so it's not on many people's radar.
And it's also, completely rightly so, very hard to do. Adoption is about finding a family for a child who needs one - perhaps reproduction should be harder for most people, but good luck to anyone who tries to legislate that.
My take is that people go with the easiest option that they know most about (the one involving two adults who love each other very much...) and then if that fails, they move to an option that's acceptable for them and accessible to them. IVF, for example, is not acceptable to everyone, and not accessible to some either - I think more couples in the UK skip IVF as paying for medical care is not possible, or even on the radar, for a lot of people, and not everyone can get it paid for, while foster care adoption is free. People who choose adoption early, or even first, are often those who know about it first hand, from their extended family.
I have even heard about families who've been asked why they didn't consider IVF or some other form of ART if they are adopting - and some odd attitudes from social workers for couples who choose adoption either as their first choice or if they are not infertile (e.g. to add to or complete a family).
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Sorry to harp on...
AKA why do I do this to myself?
Another conversation with another clueless health insurance employee - they lost my previous backup application, and now if they take me on the backup plan it might not be till November?? NOVEMBER! I'm seeing my nice doctor friend tonight to hopefully she'll talk me down.
So just browsing other blogs this morning, came across this. I am a regular reader of this blog, no idea why, except that there are often educational toys and children's literature on, which are kind of relevant to work, or perhaps it's that I'm a masochist. Anyway the little changing table has a little Snowy on it and we have one because Mr Spouse is obsessed (and we had to leave him - Snowy, that is, not Mr Spouse - in England). And I want a changing table to put Snowy on.
Another conversation with another clueless health insurance employee - they lost my previous backup application, and now if they take me on the backup plan it might not be till November?? NOVEMBER! I'm seeing my nice doctor friend tonight to hopefully she'll talk me down.
So just browsing other blogs this morning, came across this. I am a regular reader of this blog, no idea why, except that there are often educational toys and children's literature on, which are kind of relevant to work, or perhaps it's that I'm a masochist. Anyway the little changing table has a little Snowy on it and we have one because Mr Spouse is obsessed (and we had to leave him - Snowy, that is, not Mr Spouse - in England). And I want a changing table to put Snowy on.
Friday, September 12, 2008
HOW much?
My GP's surgery in the UK wants £98 to write a letter about my medical history. Nearly $200. In advance, natch. If I was sure this would get me on to the plan I originally applied for, it would be worth it, as the secondary plan is about $200 per month more than the original plan. The benefits are similar (I'd rather have Better Plan from Other Company which is the same as the secondary plan in price but more extensive in coverage, but doubt I'd be accepted for that if I wasn't accepted for First Plan).
The receptionist was really snooty in her email, too, basically telling me there was no point in bothering (how does she know? has she tried?).
The receptionist was really snooty in her email, too, basically telling me there was no point in bothering (how does she know? has she tried?).
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Denied...
Last night I got a notification that my application for health insurance was declined - with one of the only HMOs that will take me and Mr. Spouse - at least officially, though we may be able to persuade one of the others that he actually has an SSN when he doesn't really. I genuinely thought I would be OK as the only things I had to answer "yes, in the last five years" to on the application were about "female reproductive disorders or painful menstrual periods" and "other". There's no specific question about pregnancy or complications and I didn't think they could deny coverage based just on that question - I thought they'd ask for more information - and the "other" is migraines every second month, approx*.
But apparently these are both problems - and so is my BMI of just over 28 now (this is after losing 35lb which, again, there was no space to elaborate). I may get HIPAA coverage (switch off now if you are lucky enough not to care) as government coverage, even non-US government coverage, counts for this. But I was really, really upset and I'm not entirely sure why. I think it is because I strongly feel the need for a sympathetic, continuous medical presence in my life, even if it's just to go and be told "yes, you have a nasty rash, go away and put calamine lotion on it", or similar, every couple of months. The thing about recurrent miscarriage is that sympathetic continuous medical care is the only treatment, and this probably being due to the placebo effect makes no difference to its effectiveness. The placebo effect still works if you know it's a placebo. And I'm being denied even the placebo.
I'm not entirely sure if this is a serious, unappealable refusal, or if it's routine just to refuse in order to stall, and they expect everyone to come forward with medical evidence and then they'll accept most people. I'm going to try, anyway, and we'll apply to the second insurance company in the hopes they won't notice the lack of SSN.
*Thanks to whoever suggested acupuncture, I've tried it and it improved them but didn't get rid of them entirely.
But apparently these are both problems - and so is my BMI of just over 28 now (this is after losing 35lb which, again, there was no space to elaborate). I may get HIPAA coverage (switch off now if you are lucky enough not to care) as government coverage, even non-US government coverage, counts for this. But I was really, really upset and I'm not entirely sure why. I think it is because I strongly feel the need for a sympathetic, continuous medical presence in my life, even if it's just to go and be told "yes, you have a nasty rash, go away and put calamine lotion on it", or similar, every couple of months. The thing about recurrent miscarriage is that sympathetic continuous medical care is the only treatment, and this probably being due to the placebo effect makes no difference to its effectiveness. The placebo effect still works if you know it's a placebo. And I'm being denied even the placebo.
I'm not entirely sure if this is a serious, unappealable refusal, or if it's routine just to refuse in order to stall, and they expect everyone to come forward with medical evidence and then they'll accept most people. I'm going to try, anyway, and we'll apply to the second insurance company in the hopes they won't notice the lack of SSN.
*Thanks to whoever suggested acupuncture, I've tried it and it improved them but didn't get rid of them entirely.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Different
Just before setting off for SoCal I remembered that we had not yet given our Christmas donation to the Miscarriage Association - a substitute for Christmas cards, and in some ways a way of coming out to some family and friends who did not know what we'd been through. Oops. So I quickly logged on and sorted that out. I noticed they had a few leaflets on their site that hadn't been there before. One is called "When the trying stops" and I found it quite affecting.
Some couples' stories included fostering or adoption and some deciding to live without children. One sentence struck me - "some couples choose to move house". Although we have not moved permanently, and I don't necessarily feel either that we bought a big house to put children in it, nor that we have now moved to a house which is a "couple" house, I think I'm really appreciating the change of scene. It's partly the weather (we've had a not-so-great summer in the UK, and we're in a lovely coastal location here with nice but not too hot weather), and partly the feeling that I'm still on holiday (we've been here less than a week, and it's Labor Day today so I'm not in the office, and we went to a family wedding yesterday).
But I think it is the sense of a fresh start, that we are here for long enough to make a decent go of settling in, the release from (some) obligations. I definitely still feel even more petrified than normal of being pregnant, worried about healthcare, but I also feel somewhat free. It's a bit drastic, but a move of a few thousand miles with 5 suitcases between two of you is to be recommended.
Some couples' stories included fostering or adoption and some deciding to live without children. One sentence struck me - "some couples choose to move house". Although we have not moved permanently, and I don't necessarily feel either that we bought a big house to put children in it, nor that we have now moved to a house which is a "couple" house, I think I'm really appreciating the change of scene. It's partly the weather (we've had a not-so-great summer in the UK, and we're in a lovely coastal location here with nice but not too hot weather), and partly the feeling that I'm still on holiday (we've been here less than a week, and it's Labor Day today so I'm not in the office, and we went to a family wedding yesterday).
But I think it is the sense of a fresh start, that we are here for long enough to make a decent go of settling in, the release from (some) obligations. I definitely still feel even more petrified than normal of being pregnant, worried about healthcare, but I also feel somewhat free. It's a bit drastic, but a move of a few thousand miles with 5 suitcases between two of you is to be recommended.
Friday, August 29, 2008
I guess I'll have to get used to this...
OK, this is not really on topic, but it's one of those culture clash things that amused me. Probably TMI but I think you're all used to that, now, aren't you?
We arrived in our new, more Californian home on Tuesday and spent yesterday settling in. I decided I needed a quick leg wax before going to a wedding on Sunday so tried to book in with a salon round the corner. The beautician didn't have any spots on Saturday morning so squeezed me in there and then. I normally have only the bottom half of my legs done - I am not a very hairy lady, I am quite fair, and the hair doesn't grow fast either.
So normally I have great (in a relative sense of the word) waxing experiences. The beauticians say how easy it is to get the hair out, when I tell them it's been 6 weeks they say "ooh, it seems quite light for that long" and this started off the same. I get a few ingrown hairs and she complained about them, but that's common.
Then, however, she started about the top half of my legs. Apart from at the swimming pool, only I and Mr Spouse ever see these. I pointed out that I don't wear short shorts. "Oh, what about your husband?" she said. "Well, he doesn't mind" "But remember you are a woman!" I refrained from saying "and women have hairy legs..." I thought she might as well do the small patches on the backs of my thighs - I have had them done occasionally.
But then as I was getting ready to go she suggested "when you are ready for a partial bikini wax, just call me". Now this is something I've stayed far, far away from - the pain, the associations, just the whole idea. Ewwwww.
I think what got me was although you might get a beautician in the UK who would mention additional services they would be much more subtle about it ("ooh, shall I just do those bits as well?" "have you ever had a bikini wax") - I'm not sure if this woman was just more up front than I'm used to, or if her other customers would find her rude too.
My legs are pretty smooth, though!
We arrived in our new, more Californian home on Tuesday and spent yesterday settling in. I decided I needed a quick leg wax before going to a wedding on Sunday so tried to book in with a salon round the corner. The beautician didn't have any spots on Saturday morning so squeezed me in there and then. I normally have only the bottom half of my legs done - I am not a very hairy lady, I am quite fair, and the hair doesn't grow fast either.
So normally I have great (in a relative sense of the word) waxing experiences. The beauticians say how easy it is to get the hair out, when I tell them it's been 6 weeks they say "ooh, it seems quite light for that long" and this started off the same. I get a few ingrown hairs and she complained about them, but that's common.
Then, however, she started about the top half of my legs. Apart from at the swimming pool, only I and Mr Spouse ever see these. I pointed out that I don't wear short shorts. "Oh, what about your husband?" she said. "Well, he doesn't mind" "But remember you are a woman!" I refrained from saying "and women have hairy legs..." I thought she might as well do the small patches on the backs of my thighs - I have had them done occasionally.
But then as I was getting ready to go she suggested "when you are ready for a partial bikini wax, just call me". Now this is something I've stayed far, far away from - the pain, the associations, just the whole idea. Ewwwww.
I think what got me was although you might get a beautician in the UK who would mention additional services they would be much more subtle about it ("ooh, shall I just do those bits as well?" "have you ever had a bikini wax") - I'm not sure if this woman was just more up front than I'm used to, or if her other customers would find her rude too.
My legs are pretty smooth, though!
Friday, August 15, 2008
OK, I'm going to come out and say it...
I put this in an email to a nice blogger friend (you know who you are) but I'm going to say it here too. I'm really scared about healthcare when we go to the US.
I have finally found some that I am eligible for (it is hard when you are a citizen but not a resident) which though basic, has a reasonable reputation and will cover pregnancy (I believe this is a legal requirement). But I know it won't be a research centre specialising in recurrent miscarriage, and I know if I want to have any more fertility investigations I will be paying, and I'm worried about the attitude I seem to detect from other bloggers of US gynaes/REs of "make sure you give the maximum amount of treatment just in case". I'm worried they'll say "oh, you must have a clotting/egg maturation/immune problem, let's give you heparin/FSH/steroids" or "oh, bedrest for the first trimester, natch" when I'll be thinking "No evidence/dangerous/thrombosis!" but being scared to say no Just In Case.
I have navigated the US healthcare system before, but I was young, single, and the worst thing that I ever got was the damn Bartholin cysts. I did have a brief expensive spell on COBRA but having never had much to do with the UK health system, either, I didn't have much to compare it with.
Please talk me down. Thank you.
I have finally found some that I am eligible for (it is hard when you are a citizen but not a resident) which though basic, has a reasonable reputation and will cover pregnancy (I believe this is a legal requirement). But I know it won't be a research centre specialising in recurrent miscarriage, and I know if I want to have any more fertility investigations I will be paying, and I'm worried about the attitude I seem to detect from other bloggers of US gynaes/REs of "make sure you give the maximum amount of treatment just in case". I'm worried they'll say "oh, you must have a clotting/egg maturation/immune problem, let's give you heparin/FSH/steroids" or "oh, bedrest for the first trimester, natch" when I'll be thinking "No evidence/dangerous/thrombosis!" but being scared to say no Just In Case.
I have navigated the US healthcare system before, but I was young, single, and the worst thing that I ever got was the damn Bartholin cysts. I did have a brief expensive spell on COBRA but having never had much to do with the UK health system, either, I didn't have much to compare it with.
Please talk me down. Thank you.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Things I should be doing...
Tidying my office.
Ringing back parents in our study.
Filing papers.
Ringing another office about someone's A level results that keeps ringing me up to panic.
Things I am doing...
Reading blogs.
Reading internet fora.
Blogging.
Anyway I had a phone call the other day from a social worker who didn't say she was "from" our local authority but that she was contacting me "in connection with our application to foster with" our local authority. And her accent was very non-local. So I was a bit confused but rang her back and left a message. She rang me the next day (after working hours, very impressive for a social worker) and explained that she and some colleagues had been independently contracted (which involves organisation, and spending money, very impressive for a local authority) to do the approval process for 7 potential foster carers (7 households, I think). They would be travelling to our area and staying over and spending a few days doing each family. This will take them about 6 months in total, so they would probably still be contracted to do it when we got back.
Now, if you have been through the approval process (and I have not) you will be able to say that this would be quite gruelling. I have only done the preparation course and the idea of doing all that over a couple of days is pretty daunting! But the advantage would be that although it wouldn't start till we got back, it would be over quickly, and Mr Spouse would probably not have a job yet, so we could do it in the daytime. Also one hopes the social worker wouldn't have too much opportunity to go away and think up extra nasty questions between sessions.
So I am feeling quite positive about that. Plus a sweet colleague (the least forthcoming of men ever) at another university, who I knew fosters, chatted to me about the process at a conference the other week and his opinion was "they just want to see if you are normal, you have to be pretty bad to fail approval".
It sounds like our local authority are serious about getting this batch of carers approved as soon as possible (v. sensible for them), and like it shouldn't be too much of an ordeal, if we can stand 2-3 solid days of being grilled.
Ringing back parents in our study.
Filing papers.
Ringing another office about someone's A level results that keeps ringing me up to panic.
Things I am doing...
Reading blogs.
Reading internet fora.
Blogging.
Anyway I had a phone call the other day from a social worker who didn't say she was "from" our local authority but that she was contacting me "in connection with our application to foster with" our local authority. And her accent was very non-local. So I was a bit confused but rang her back and left a message. She rang me the next day (after working hours, very impressive for a social worker) and explained that she and some colleagues had been independently contracted (which involves organisation, and spending money, very impressive for a local authority) to do the approval process for 7 potential foster carers (7 households, I think). They would be travelling to our area and staying over and spending a few days doing each family. This will take them about 6 months in total, so they would probably still be contracted to do it when we got back.
Now, if you have been through the approval process (and I have not) you will be able to say that this would be quite gruelling. I have only done the preparation course and the idea of doing all that over a couple of days is pretty daunting! But the advantage would be that although it wouldn't start till we got back, it would be over quickly, and Mr Spouse would probably not have a job yet, so we could do it in the daytime. Also one hopes the social worker wouldn't have too much opportunity to go away and think up extra nasty questions between sessions.
So I am feeling quite positive about that. Plus a sweet colleague (the least forthcoming of men ever) at another university, who I knew fosters, chatted to me about the process at a conference the other week and his opinion was "they just want to see if you are normal, you have to be pretty bad to fail approval".
It sounds like our local authority are serious about getting this batch of carers approved as soon as possible (v. sensible for them), and like it shouldn't be too much of an ordeal, if we can stand 2-3 solid days of being grilled.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Am I weird?
(Please say no).
I am currently catching up on paperwork and phone calls relating to my study of children's language that has been going on for about 4 years now - I won't be able to call people at a reasonable hour nor post things to them while I'm overseas. One thing I've been doing is asking parents their dates of birth. Lots of the parents are older than me (but the kids in the study are rising-five). But I am obsessively working out how many of them were older than I am now, when their babies were born.
I am, at the very least, a sad individual. Sorry.
I am currently catching up on paperwork and phone calls relating to my study of children's language that has been going on for about 4 years now - I won't be able to call people at a reasonable hour nor post things to them while I'm overseas. One thing I've been doing is asking parents their dates of birth. Lots of the parents are older than me (but the kids in the study are rising-five). But I am obsessively working out how many of them were older than I am now, when their babies were born.
I am, at the very least, a sad individual. Sorry.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
So...
It was OK... we went on a slow but rambling ramble where my friend and I could hang back while the blokes charged ahead. She had her FET just over a week ago and will do her HPT (as you may know, here people don't get blood tests but are advised to do HPTs) on Friday or Saturday. Judging by the timing, it may turn out like her first cycle and she may get her period before doing the test anyway. It was partly advice, partly her exhaustion, and partly just wanting to be cautious which has caused her to take things much more easy than normal - she's usually very active and energetic. I probably couldn't have called first as they were out and about in an area with little mobile phone reception but I might try and call one evening this week just to check in again.
She asked for advice on a good adoption website. I recommended the one I often read, but suggested she not look at too many stories on the message board, but use it for factual information. I was slightly surprised they are thinking about this at this stage - it would probably be a year away for them though. They get two more fresh ICSI cycles on the NHS but only if they can fit them in before my friend turns 40 (ironically with it being a male factor problem, she's the older of the couple), and she is finding the process increasingly wearisome, so doesn't really feel they want to try a third fresh cycle privately. Although this cycle was a FET she felt it was more difficult than either of the previous ones, and she doesn't think it's going to get much better if she does any more.
I feel like I've got more to say about my friends than ourselves. Two (or more) fertility journeys for the price of one. We are gearing up for our temporary move and still wrestling with health insurance, which is incredibly complicated, partly due to our mixed citizenship situation, and may end up with enrolling Mr Spouse in a slightly dodgy way using an ITIN (a tax number for non-citizens) as he doesn't have an SSN. ITINs are not supposed to be used for identification outside the tax system but some healthcare providers use them. Sssh. We don't care if it lets him enrol.
I'm not feeling overwhelmingly positive about trying again to get pregnant, as I think I feel at the moment that our best chances of building a family are through adoption/foster care, and that pregnancy isn't going to happen, or if it does, it isn't going to go anywhere. And we can't do anything about fostering/adoption at the moment. But it is also possible I'm just a bit tired and overwhelmed. I had my bacon saved by a kind colleague - not one I'm especially best friends with, just one that happened to be in the office - when I forgot to return something from the library that has a £1 per hour fine, and blithely decided to work at home instead of going in on Friday. Things are getting on top of me.
I'm going to go and watch some mindless TV now I think.
She asked for advice on a good adoption website. I recommended the one I often read, but suggested she not look at too many stories on the message board, but use it for factual information. I was slightly surprised they are thinking about this at this stage - it would probably be a year away for them though. They get two more fresh ICSI cycles on the NHS but only if they can fit them in before my friend turns 40 (ironically with it being a male factor problem, she's the older of the couple), and she is finding the process increasingly wearisome, so doesn't really feel they want to try a third fresh cycle privately. Although this cycle was a FET she felt it was more difficult than either of the previous ones, and she doesn't think it's going to get much better if she does any more.
I feel like I've got more to say about my friends than ourselves. Two (or more) fertility journeys for the price of one. We are gearing up for our temporary move and still wrestling with health insurance, which is incredibly complicated, partly due to our mixed citizenship situation, and may end up with enrolling Mr Spouse in a slightly dodgy way using an ITIN (a tax number for non-citizens) as he doesn't have an SSN. ITINs are not supposed to be used for identification outside the tax system but some healthcare providers use them. Sssh. We don't care if it lets him enrol.
I'm not feeling overwhelmingly positive about trying again to get pregnant, as I think I feel at the moment that our best chances of building a family are through adoption/foster care, and that pregnancy isn't going to happen, or if it does, it isn't going to go anywhere. And we can't do anything about fostering/adoption at the moment. But it is also possible I'm just a bit tired and overwhelmed. I had my bacon saved by a kind colleague - not one I'm especially best friends with, just one that happened to be in the office - when I forgot to return something from the library that has a £1 per hour fine, and blithely decided to work at home instead of going in on Friday. Things are getting on top of me.
I'm going to go and watch some mindless TV now I think.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Etiquette advice please people...
Tomorrow off to meet up with my bestest infertility pal aka The Best Woman (1 fresh ICSI -ve, 1 FET +ve but miscarriage at 6w, if you remember). Just done another FET but I'm not sure which day she'll be on.
Unfortunately, although Mr Spouse knows all we'll also have my dad (aka Obliviousness personified but nosy scientist) in tow.
How do I ask about the procedure/how she's feeling/when she'll be testing, without my dad asking personal questions?
Also - I'm wondering if this is IVF-related, or just personal nervousness - she said "oh, I won't be able to do a long walk because of having the FET". Is it official advice not to do much exercise or just immediately after (as I say, not sure of the dates) or is it just because she's had no real chances at a 2ww that could possibly work? so she's just extra nervous?
Unfortunately, although Mr Spouse knows all we'll also have my dad (aka Obliviousness personified but nosy scientist) in tow.
How do I ask about the procedure/how she's feeling/when she'll be testing, without my dad asking personal questions?
Also - I'm wondering if this is IVF-related, or just personal nervousness - she said "oh, I won't be able to do a long walk because of having the FET". Is it official advice not to do much exercise or just immediately after (as I say, not sure of the dates) or is it just because she's had no real chances at a 2ww that could possibly work? so she's just extra nervous?
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Is there a way...
to hide the Blogger babies on the Blogger dashboard?
(Though the one with the ears on his hat has a certain je ne sais quoi).
(Though the one with the ears on his hat has a certain je ne sais quoi).
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
The unexpected
I'm still not a very frequent blogger, and even less so when I don't have much going on. But I did think that perhaps taking a break from trying to get pregnant would make things a little different. I just wasn't prepared for exactly how it would make things different.
I think I thought we'd have quite a different sex life - either more evenly distributed through the month, or avoiding the Persona red days entirely as neither of us like using condoms. But in fact, I guess our sex life is more driven by either a) weekends or b) my hormones as it was more or less the same as it is other months.
I didn't particularly think I'd be successful in getting fit and losing weight - but I have. I have lost 8lb in the last approximately 90 days, and I've started running again (and I've surprised myself by being able to pick up the number of minutes for which I can run much more rapidly than in the past) and I've lost 2in off my waist. I have also been able to fit into clothes I haven't worn for over 10 years. I have weighed this little a couple of times in the last couple of years (and even a bit less) but I think perhaps it's been in the winter and these were summer clothes.
I didn't think I'd notice anything new about my body - I thought I knew everything - but I've also noticed (look away now if squeamish, but hey, you are all fertility readers really aren't you? Well, sorry if not...) a much more regular pattern of CM than I thought I had. Both months I had some thick EWCM at a point which I thought was about 4-5 days before I would normally get a positive OPK. So far, so expected. However, I think normally my mucus is, er, obscured after that point. The first month I then got some really fluid but definitely stretchy CM about 5 days after that - which normally I tend to discount, or be a bit confused by. Not thick EWCM, but definitely egg-white-ish. This was about 5 days later and I had previously thought my body had given up on EWCM by about 4-5 days before ovulation.
The second month I then got my OPK-equivalent on the Persona, er, the next day. So a short cycle this month.
Finally I wasn't expecting migraines. I think I may have fallen into the common pattern of regular migraines just before my period. Previously they were much more stress-related - usually a stress hangover, a classic situation being the day after a stressful week at work, when I hadn't been out the night before or drunk anything. I've had a couple of those in the last year, but I think two out of the previous three months I've had a migraine. Fortunately my regular Imigran works OK premenstrually too.
One thing I was expecting - the social worker we met before (the second one, who was a bit new to the field, rather than the mad, about-to-retire one we met first) rang me back about our going away. She wasn't completely sure she'd be our social worker when we got back, but she didn't think it was worth starting any of our home study before we go away. I guess I'll just have to try and remember what we did on the course.
Three weeks till we go to the US - it still seems slightly unreal.
I think I thought we'd have quite a different sex life - either more evenly distributed through the month, or avoiding the Persona red days entirely as neither of us like using condoms. But in fact, I guess our sex life is more driven by either a) weekends or b) my hormones as it was more or less the same as it is other months.
I didn't particularly think I'd be successful in getting fit and losing weight - but I have. I have lost 8lb in the last approximately 90 days, and I've started running again (and I've surprised myself by being able to pick up the number of minutes for which I can run much more rapidly than in the past) and I've lost 2in off my waist. I have also been able to fit into clothes I haven't worn for over 10 years. I have weighed this little a couple of times in the last couple of years (and even a bit less) but I think perhaps it's been in the winter and these were summer clothes.
I didn't think I'd notice anything new about my body - I thought I knew everything - but I've also noticed (look away now if squeamish, but hey, you are all fertility readers really aren't you? Well, sorry if not...) a much more regular pattern of CM than I thought I had. Both months I had some thick EWCM at a point which I thought was about 4-5 days before I would normally get a positive OPK. So far, so expected. However, I think normally my mucus is, er, obscured after that point. The first month I then got some really fluid but definitely stretchy CM about 5 days after that - which normally I tend to discount, or be a bit confused by. Not thick EWCM, but definitely egg-white-ish. This was about 5 days later and I had previously thought my body had given up on EWCM by about 4-5 days before ovulation.
The second month I then got my OPK-equivalent on the Persona, er, the next day. So a short cycle this month.
Finally I wasn't expecting migraines. I think I may have fallen into the common pattern of regular migraines just before my period. Previously they were much more stress-related - usually a stress hangover, a classic situation being the day after a stressful week at work, when I hadn't been out the night before or drunk anything. I've had a couple of those in the last year, but I think two out of the previous three months I've had a migraine. Fortunately my regular Imigran works OK premenstrually too.
One thing I was expecting - the social worker we met before (the second one, who was a bit new to the field, rather than the mad, about-to-retire one we met first) rang me back about our going away. She wasn't completely sure she'd be our social worker when we got back, but she didn't think it was worth starting any of our home study before we go away. I guess I'll just have to try and remember what we did on the course.
Three weeks till we go to the US - it still seems slightly unreal.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Spare a thought for the single and childless
We spent the last week on holiday with an old friend, celebrating her 40th. We met while we were doing our PhDs and we are both still in academia. She is a very very lovely person, one of those "how is she still single" friends. She met a very nice man a few months ago and although he couldn't be there because of his work, he sounds lovely.
She was asking me how my "health" was (this seems to be code for Have You Had Any More Miscarriages Recently, but it's not a bad code), and I filled her in - I don't think she knew about all of them. Like some other people I've spoken to she thought that fostering and/or adoption were "such good things to do". I'm not sure we really think of it like that, we are not really seeing this as a vocation, rather as a way to either have children in our lives - even if temporarily - or become parents. I think we feel slightly drawn to foster care/adoption from foster care rather than the supposedly easier options of overseas adoption or (theoretically just possible) US domestic adoption, but largely because we are not sure they would actually be easier, not because we are trying to be saints.
My friend hasn't had that much luck with men so I'm really pleased for her, and she has said in the past she's not that bothered about having children, her nieces and nephew are enough. The new man has had the snip and again she said this was OK, he already had kids. But she also confessed that every time she hears someone is pregnant, she feels like she's been kicked. So it sounds like she's wavering between child-less and child-free. And she can't be the only one. I think some of it is her feeling it wouldn't happen for her with a partner, so resigning herself to being childless too. She is not the kind of person (partly I think through conviction - she is strongly Catholic) to get pregnant either with an acquaintance or through donor sperm.
I tried to say something to her about how I felt our childlessness was more public, but for single people or those who appear to have been happily partnered but childless for some time (probably including many gay couples) people may not feel there is an issue - it is obvious we are trying to have children and failing, because it is much harder to keep a miscarriage to ourselves. People should in theory think more of our feelings when discussing pregnancy and children - and they can be pretty insensitive around us.
She told me she'd thought about adoption as a single person some time ago but was put off by horror stories she read online. I am sure it is at least partly true that the horror stories are out there but the happy families don't post. We have a very good friend who is the single mum of two adopted boys and she's had ups and downs but is ultimately very happy. But I want to tell her how desirable she and her new bloke would be as adoptive parents - between them they represent a complex, though not unique, ethnic mix, though I get the feeling most of the children who would be perfect "matches" would have a Muslim mother, and that might make them slightly less exciting as potential adopters. I'd love to tell her not to give up hope of being a mother - but I'm not sure how her partner really feels about this, or if he knows how she feels. Or even if she does.
It is a lot easier being a married person who really wants to have children.
She was asking me how my "health" was (this seems to be code for Have You Had Any More Miscarriages Recently, but it's not a bad code), and I filled her in - I don't think she knew about all of them. Like some other people I've spoken to she thought that fostering and/or adoption were "such good things to do". I'm not sure we really think of it like that, we are not really seeing this as a vocation, rather as a way to either have children in our lives - even if temporarily - or become parents. I think we feel slightly drawn to foster care/adoption from foster care rather than the supposedly easier options of overseas adoption or (theoretically just possible) US domestic adoption, but largely because we are not sure they would actually be easier, not because we are trying to be saints.
My friend hasn't had that much luck with men so I'm really pleased for her, and she has said in the past she's not that bothered about having children, her nieces and nephew are enough. The new man has had the snip and again she said this was OK, he already had kids. But she also confessed that every time she hears someone is pregnant, she feels like she's been kicked. So it sounds like she's wavering between child-less and child-free. And she can't be the only one. I think some of it is her feeling it wouldn't happen for her with a partner, so resigning herself to being childless too. She is not the kind of person (partly I think through conviction - she is strongly Catholic) to get pregnant either with an acquaintance or through donor sperm.
I tried to say something to her about how I felt our childlessness was more public, but for single people or those who appear to have been happily partnered but childless for some time (probably including many gay couples) people may not feel there is an issue - it is obvious we are trying to have children and failing, because it is much harder to keep a miscarriage to ourselves. People should in theory think more of our feelings when discussing pregnancy and children - and they can be pretty insensitive around us.
She told me she'd thought about adoption as a single person some time ago but was put off by horror stories she read online. I am sure it is at least partly true that the horror stories are out there but the happy families don't post. We have a very good friend who is the single mum of two adopted boys and she's had ups and downs but is ultimately very happy. But I want to tell her how desirable she and her new bloke would be as adoptive parents - between them they represent a complex, though not unique, ethnic mix, though I get the feeling most of the children who would be perfect "matches" would have a Muslim mother, and that might make them slightly less exciting as potential adopters. I'd love to tell her not to give up hope of being a mother - but I'm not sure how her partner really feels about this, or if he knows how she feels. Or even if she does.
It is a lot easier being a married person who really wants to have children.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Yes, I still exist
Sorry for the silence - not a lot going on that you'd be interested in, too much otherwise.
Spoke to the wrong person at the fostering team (and they have a really irritating new central switchboard that makes you hang on for ages - need to get people's direct number, quickly) but their feeling was we would probably wait till we get back from the US to start our home study.
Had a job interview - didn't get it. Really wanted promotion in current position but would have been very happy to take the job so a bit annoyed.
Mr Spouse is looking at what he can do when in the US, including volunteering. Spontaneously suggested hearing children read at school, and I told him about the (scandalously huge, but quite clean and pleasant) county foster home that I used to volunteer at when I was over there before. The sheer number of children in institutional care was scary. I'm pretty pleased we don't have that many here, frankly.
About to go on holiday to some Alps which I gather will be quite rainy. But never mind. Old, old friend's 40th - very nice, sweet friend, similar work but a bit more committed to it so has done a bit better than me. Has recently met man who seems to be very good for her (though she showed me his website and he seemed to have a liking for cheesiness...). He can't come so I won't get to meet him. Shame. Seems to be someone who doesn't really have any hankering to be a parent - has three nieces and nephews and seems satisfied with that. Not exactly incomprehensible to me but a head state I can't quite enter fully.
Spoke to the wrong person at the fostering team (and they have a really irritating new central switchboard that makes you hang on for ages - need to get people's direct number, quickly) but their feeling was we would probably wait till we get back from the US to start our home study.
Had a job interview - didn't get it. Really wanted promotion in current position but would have been very happy to take the job so a bit annoyed.
Mr Spouse is looking at what he can do when in the US, including volunteering. Spontaneously suggested hearing children read at school, and I told him about the (scandalously huge, but quite clean and pleasant) county foster home that I used to volunteer at when I was over there before. The sheer number of children in institutional care was scary. I'm pretty pleased we don't have that many here, frankly.
About to go on holiday to some Alps which I gather will be quite rainy. But never mind. Old, old friend's 40th - very nice, sweet friend, similar work but a bit more committed to it so has done a bit better than me. Has recently met man who seems to be very good for her (though she showed me his website and he seemed to have a liking for cheesiness...). He can't come so I won't get to meet him. Shame. Seems to be someone who doesn't really have any hankering to be a parent - has three nieces and nephews and seems satisfied with that. Not exactly incomprehensible to me but a head state I can't quite enter fully.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Skiver
I don't normally blog from work - no idea why as I do almost every other conceivable timewasting internetty thing at work - but there is 1/2 an hour to go till our end of term social and I Cannot Be Rsed to do any more work. So there.
We finished our foster care course on Tuesday and I have mixed feelings. I was kind of left wanting more, but it will be nice to get a bit of time back (it seems to have rushed by, but to have become part of our lives) and I don't know where we go from here. They are supposed to be contacting us in the next week to tell us who will be our social worker, and I was slightly relieved to hear it won't necessarily be the person who came to visit us at home - she was OK, but the two who did the course seemed a bit more open. But it's very unlikely we'd be able to finish the whole of the home study before we go away.
Mr Spouse thinks I'm being overoptimistic, and that they'll want us to wait till we come back to start, but I am thinking I should try and persuade them that it would be better to start now at least or we'll have even longer between the course and the home study (like 10-12 months instead of 7-8 in the middle). I did (I think I mentioned) apply for another job earlier in the month but haven't heard yet about it and heard on the grapevine someone much more attractive than me applied for it so am assuming at least that we'll be coming back here, not moving elsewhere on our return.
But even being pretty certain we'll be in the area and available for approval as foster carers, it still feels like we've set ourselves back with this - we won't be approved for at least another year, more like 18 months, and our personal timetable was to think about stopping trying to get pregnant and going all out for adoption at the earliest by this September and the latest next September. It looks like we won't even be approved as foster carers then. Which is depressing.
In other news, small overseas baby comes home to my colleague in about a month - very exciting. You have no idea (well, some of you do, but probably you don't) how difficult it is to find an adoption-friendly baby card in the UK. Not one with prams or "the birth of your baby" obviously, but many others are out for a variety of reasons. I finally found one with "Brand new Mummy and Daddy" on it which is a bit twee, but much more appropriate. The Twins ones were also all very twee. I'm making progress on a pile of knitting for all these babies, including the post-recurrent-pregnancy-loss-in-her-40s baby that was born last month - the hierarchy seems to be:
Baby after infertility - proper knitted garment
Singleton with no problems - hat
Twins after infertility - hats
Twins with no problems - bootees and definitely at the bottom of the pile.
Applications will be received and dealt with in the proper order. But two jackets nearly finished and two sets of bootees queued up means you could be waiting some time. Though if you are also waiting some time for your child, perhaps that will suit.
(PS Just had a knock on my door and my supervisor came in with a short but pleasant request. Very glad I had switched to my email as he read over my shoulder a pithy email from Mr Spouse, instead of this post...)
We finished our foster care course on Tuesday and I have mixed feelings. I was kind of left wanting more, but it will be nice to get a bit of time back (it seems to have rushed by, but to have become part of our lives) and I don't know where we go from here. They are supposed to be contacting us in the next week to tell us who will be our social worker, and I was slightly relieved to hear it won't necessarily be the person who came to visit us at home - she was OK, but the two who did the course seemed a bit more open. But it's very unlikely we'd be able to finish the whole of the home study before we go away.
Mr Spouse thinks I'm being overoptimistic, and that they'll want us to wait till we come back to start, but I am thinking I should try and persuade them that it would be better to start now at least or we'll have even longer between the course and the home study (like 10-12 months instead of 7-8 in the middle). I did (I think I mentioned) apply for another job earlier in the month but haven't heard yet about it and heard on the grapevine someone much more attractive than me applied for it so am assuming at least that we'll be coming back here, not moving elsewhere on our return.
But even being pretty certain we'll be in the area and available for approval as foster carers, it still feels like we've set ourselves back with this - we won't be approved for at least another year, more like 18 months, and our personal timetable was to think about stopping trying to get pregnant and going all out for adoption at the earliest by this September and the latest next September. It looks like we won't even be approved as foster carers then. Which is depressing.
In other news, small overseas baby comes home to my colleague in about a month - very exciting. You have no idea (well, some of you do, but probably you don't) how difficult it is to find an adoption-friendly baby card in the UK. Not one with prams or "the birth of your baby" obviously, but many others are out for a variety of reasons. I finally found one with "Brand new Mummy and Daddy" on it which is a bit twee, but much more appropriate. The Twins ones were also all very twee. I'm making progress on a pile of knitting for all these babies, including the post-recurrent-pregnancy-loss-in-her-40s baby that was born last month - the hierarchy seems to be:
Baby after infertility - proper knitted garment
Singleton with no problems - hat
Twins after infertility - hats
Twins with no problems - bootees and definitely at the bottom of the pile.
Applications will be received and dealt with in the proper order. But two jackets nearly finished and two sets of bootees queued up means you could be waiting some time. Though if you are also waiting some time for your child, perhaps that will suit.
(PS Just had a knock on my door and my supervisor came in with a short but pleasant request. Very glad I had switched to my email as he read over my shoulder a pithy email from Mr Spouse, instead of this post...)
Monday, June 16, 2008
For Someone Special
Okay, I know there have been a lot of blogs about Father's Day and I know it is hard for some people who can't have children or who can't be with their father. But to be honest it completely passes me by. I don't get on brilliantly with my father but not that badly, but I think he'd faint if I sent him a card or even mentioned it. It seems to me like Secretaries' Day or Grandparents' Day or something else made up by Hallmark. Mr Spouse never sent his father a card and I think would rather people shut up about it now his father is gone.
We had originally planned to make Fathers' Day cards at Rainbows this week and the girl who was organising it didn't turn up so we decided to make some cards anyway but first I went round and nosily asked everyone "who's in your family, and who lives in your house" which gave us the opportunity to work out that F lives with her mum and sees her gran and doesn't appear to have either a father or grandfather on the scene, and then to move extremely swiftly on and make a fuss of E who appeared to be telling us they had five bedrooms, one per child and one for Mum & Dad, but according to J in fact they only have a boys' bedroom and a girls' bedroom. F made two cards, one for mum and one for Nana; new girl S made one for her little brother even though she lives with her dad. So we were all diverse and happy.
The 14-year-old helpers were shocked that I didn't send my father a card. Perhaps he is, after all, sitting there wishing I would?
We had originally planned to make Fathers' Day cards at Rainbows this week and the girl who was organising it didn't turn up so we decided to make some cards anyway but first I went round and nosily asked everyone "who's in your family, and who lives in your house" which gave us the opportunity to work out that F lives with her mum and sees her gran and doesn't appear to have either a father or grandfather on the scene, and then to move extremely swiftly on and make a fuss of E who appeared to be telling us they had five bedrooms, one per child and one for Mum & Dad, but according to J in fact they only have a boys' bedroom and a girls' bedroom. F made two cards, one for mum and one for Nana; new girl S made one for her little brother even though she lives with her dad. So we were all diverse and happy.
The 14-year-old helpers were shocked that I didn't send my father a card. Perhaps he is, after all, sitting there wishing I would?
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Tired and emotional
... and not just because of the Pimms I've just been drinking.
Today's session was quite draining, not just because it was all day on a Saturday. I won't go into too many details, partly because the very first thing we had stressed to us was confidentiality, but also because, really, you may not want to hear it. The first part was on working with parents and the (huge variety of) social workers we will encounter. I kind of knew there were a lot of social workers out there, from my mother who used to teach children who'd been excluded from school, and who had a couple of children ask "so, who's your social worker?" - in their world, everyone has one...
We had a very interesting chat at lunchtime - the chief social worker (she's in charge in our district, I think) suggested we might like to go for respite and short term caring, rather than just respite, as we'd probably get more out of placements, and we wouldn't need to do more than respite initially. Respite fits in with full time work but if we were to have children full time, especially younger than secondary school age, at least one of us would need to work part time. I can't see myself asking for part time hours just now, but it's something I've been thinking about, and Mr Spouse I think would also be happy with working slightly less than full time, in whatever he ends up doing in the future (itself not entirely sure). But if we are approved for both we could change tracks without reapproval.
The afternoon was the harrowing part - about abuse and neglect - not just harrowing in itself but because I started remembering all about A, the boy who lived with me when I was living overseas (see here). I remember being asked at the time if I was angry with his father or with the boys who likely abused him- and that's definitely an issue that we would be asked to face with some fostered children. I'm not sure if I'm really not angry with them (well, it's hard to be angry with his father as he was pretty pathetic) or if I was just getting on with caring for him and avoiding the issue. Some of the things that were suggested to us as reactions to children's inappropriate behaviour made me think, OK, yes, I did handle that well. Others made me realise that (probably because I was, erm, completely untrained and unprepared) I could have done something differently.
I never really finished the story about A, but there have been a few new things since I last wrote about him. I kind of feel I've closed the book on him, though I'd be happy to hear from him now of course. He finished school and got a couple of IGCSEs (the i is for International not Internet!) with pretty poor grades, but when last heard of had a job - probably thanks to his reasonable English. His behaviour was still a bit erratic but perhaps not quite as poor as when I knew him, but he is now past his teenage years and I know even for young people who have awful behaviour becoming an adult can sort things out a bit. I am less worried he is actually going to die and I think he has a little HIV awareness - and if he had become infected when he was a child I think he'd be at least quite sick by now. I know this sounds very morbid but I've had to face this.
Gosh - I didn't mean to get into that - it must be the Pimms. I am going to go and see what's for dinner (I have a feeling the answer is, whatever I make... as Mr Spouse is watching veryboring important football. Just to annoy him I think Beans will be on the menu).
Anyway, where would an infertility blog be without TMI, so I'll leave you with this. Don't wear white trousers before CD7. Especially if you are on a break and checked your Persona this morning and it said "go for it!".
Today's session was quite draining, not just because it was all day on a Saturday. I won't go into too many details, partly because the very first thing we had stressed to us was confidentiality, but also because, really, you may not want to hear it. The first part was on working with parents and the (huge variety of) social workers we will encounter. I kind of knew there were a lot of social workers out there, from my mother who used to teach children who'd been excluded from school, and who had a couple of children ask "so, who's your social worker?" - in their world, everyone has one...
We had a very interesting chat at lunchtime - the chief social worker (she's in charge in our district, I think) suggested we might like to go for respite and short term caring, rather than just respite, as we'd probably get more out of placements, and we wouldn't need to do more than respite initially. Respite fits in with full time work but if we were to have children full time, especially younger than secondary school age, at least one of us would need to work part time. I can't see myself asking for part time hours just now, but it's something I've been thinking about, and Mr Spouse I think would also be happy with working slightly less than full time, in whatever he ends up doing in the future (itself not entirely sure). But if we are approved for both we could change tracks without reapproval.
The afternoon was the harrowing part - about abuse and neglect - not just harrowing in itself but because I started remembering all about A, the boy who lived with me when I was living overseas (see here). I remember being asked at the time if I was angry with his father or with the boys who likely abused him- and that's definitely an issue that we would be asked to face with some fostered children. I'm not sure if I'm really not angry with them (well, it's hard to be angry with his father as he was pretty pathetic) or if I was just getting on with caring for him and avoiding the issue. Some of the things that were suggested to us as reactions to children's inappropriate behaviour made me think, OK, yes, I did handle that well. Others made me realise that (probably because I was, erm, completely untrained and unprepared) I could have done something differently.
I never really finished the story about A, but there have been a few new things since I last wrote about him. I kind of feel I've closed the book on him, though I'd be happy to hear from him now of course. He finished school and got a couple of IGCSEs (the i is for International not Internet!) with pretty poor grades, but when last heard of had a job - probably thanks to his reasonable English. His behaviour was still a bit erratic but perhaps not quite as poor as when I knew him, but he is now past his teenage years and I know even for young people who have awful behaviour becoming an adult can sort things out a bit. I am less worried he is actually going to die and I think he has a little HIV awareness - and if he had become infected when he was a child I think he'd be at least quite sick by now. I know this sounds very morbid but I've had to face this.
Gosh - I didn't mean to get into that - it must be the Pimms. I am going to go and see what's for dinner (I have a feeling the answer is, whatever I make... as Mr Spouse is watching very
Anyway, where would an infertility blog be without TMI, so I'll leave you with this. Don't wear white trousers before CD7. Especially if you are on a break and checked your Persona this morning and it said "go for it!".
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Me again...
So last night's session was also non-scary and dealt with Loss and also with Discrimination though these were linked. There are bits of material the social workers leading the group are given and you get the impression they get through these particular parts because they have to (and they aren't that comfortable using Powerpoint anyway), and then there are activities and discussions that are partly from their manual and partly not, which are a lot more rewarding.
I realised between writing that and coming back to finish this that the session could potentially have included lots of talking about losses we had experienced - since most of the potential foster carers have children of their own (apart from two adult children who have come along for the ride - 18 and 20 - and one young woman who is preparing to be a respite foster carer for her parents - 28), it is unlikely that anyone would have the same kinds of losses we've had. Though one couple I think have just the one 18-year-old so you never know. But anyway, we didn't have to "share" or anything like that.
Instead we talked about culture, race, discrimination, and losing things from your background/past/culture. I think some of it didn't really touch some people at all (if you have never lived anywhere but where you grew up, you don't know what it's like not to have it any more); some people had really interesting insights (one Northern Irish person and one who pointed out sectarianism also exists in our region - especially in Liverpool); and some thought it was all a bit PC ("why are we pretending to be gay?"). So, if we have foster kids we've to give them chip butties and let them watch telly all day, and the person who thought there were lots of gay people in high powered positions has to let the boys wear fairy outfits.
I realised between writing that and coming back to finish this that the session could potentially have included lots of talking about losses we had experienced - since most of the potential foster carers have children of their own (apart from two adult children who have come along for the ride - 18 and 20 - and one young woman who is preparing to be a respite foster carer for her parents - 28), it is unlikely that anyone would have the same kinds of losses we've had. Though one couple I think have just the one 18-year-old so you never know. But anyway, we didn't have to "share" or anything like that.
Instead we talked about culture, race, discrimination, and losing things from your background/past/culture. I think some of it didn't really touch some people at all (if you have never lived anywhere but where you grew up, you don't know what it's like not to have it any more); some people had really interesting insights (one Northern Irish person and one who pointed out sectarianism also exists in our region - especially in Liverpool); and some thought it was all a bit PC ("why are we pretending to be gay?"). So, if we have foster kids we've to give them chip butties and let them watch telly all day, and the person who thought there were lots of gay people in high powered positions has to let the boys wear fairy outfits.
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