Friday, January 09, 2009

I think I should be done

I said recently that I thought Mr Spouse wanted me to be done with trying to get pregnant but I realised I hadn't discussed it with him.

This came out partly from him being a bit bewildered about what exactly I am aiming for or intending: we do still have a firm commitment to completing the foster care process, and I originally suggested that we give it a maximum of five years from when we started trying (which will be up this September) before definitely pursuing adoption alone, on the one hand, but on the other hand I am pretty sure I want to fully investigate this possible uterine factor/endometrium/septum.

But it also came out from a comment by the lovely Sam, who very kindly came round to tell me how horrible my HSG could have been and take me out for gentle coffee and fun watching her daughter play, fortunately after I'd had the HSG already! We got to telling our long and boring stories (as you do, I'm glad the woman at the next table had her earphones in, I'm guessing she would have moved if she'd been bothered!). Sam said "well, it sounds like you aren't really ready to give upon the idea of having a birth child".

I guess not.

Anyway, I asked Mr Spouse whether he just wanted me to give up on the idea. Actually, he doesn't. He does want me to give up on all these investigations - I think in a way they must be hard on him too, for the same reason they are hard on me. I in particular want, but he wants too, for there to be something easily fixable wrong with us. But I don't think he believes there is. I'm not sure if I do but I'm not sure I don't, either, if you see what I mean.

I wish I was done. I wish we'd been done a couple of years ago, to be honest. I have a little girl in my head from one of the "waiting children" magazines which I saw immediately before miscarriage no 3.


Sam said...

Hi Katie,
Just saw this. Thanks for the shout-out. I totally know all those feelings. When the time is right, you'll know.

Country Chick said...

The time does have to be right, but I certainly wish I had not delayed so long - adopting really is not second-best. But those magazines are just awful! Enough to break the hardest heart. We do end up with the child we are meant to have, I do believe that.