What do you want to hear about, paperwork or painting? And if paperwork, paperwork for adoption or paperwork for promotion? (I've run out of "p"s now.)
Painting - we are having a loo put in under the stairs, which includes moving a door, a job which requires the coordination of at least four teams of workmen. It's not quite finished, but all the tiddly little bits need painting, and a huge variety of types of paint - plaster sealer for the new walls, primer for the new woodwork, lining paper of course to patch up the old wallpaper, varnish for the bits of wood that will remain bare, MDF primer for the MDF, and that's before we argue about whether we should have gloss or satin for the woodwork and whether it's appropriate to have white woodwork with ivory paintwork (your correct answer: it's not, you should have ivory woodwork) AND of course if we have remembered correctly and the rest of the room is actually ivory.
Paperwork - don't get me started on promotion - I have to provide a summary of everything I've ever done in my career in 2 pages, while "referring to the criteria for promotion", which take up about 5 pages.
I started panicking about the idea of having to spend weeks and weeks and weeks on my own in state without Mr Spouse but with a small object screaming at me. So we decided to ask the question we've been putting off which is, exactly how long before we can get a passport for the baby?
The answer turns out to be only about three weeks which is reassuring - the slightly more complex question is what do we need to do to get the baby back here - which I had blithely assumed would be fine because US citizens don't need a visa to enter the UK. Apparently not.
Anyway I will stop boring you now and leave you with two pieces of news from the weekend: N wants to send us an ultrasound picture (which is way too scary for me*) and I have set up a baby registry on Amazon.com, with the idea that we can then send things to the agency address at least, even if no-one buys things for us. This is also a scary idea.
*I did think some time ago, that I would use an ultrasound as a way to announce the adoption more widely. But a) I'm so fed up of them on FB and b) it's still too scary and c) there are some people that would be a tad confused...
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
NaBloPoMo
I am thinking of giving this a go this year (because although I have nothing to say, and no time to say it in I feel like it should be said more often).
I don't think I'll be officially joining up because a) I object to the "na" bit and b) I can't get the BlogHer site to let me join. BelgianWaffle warned this might be a problem, but for me it's the word verification I can't get to work.
I don't think I'll be officially joining up because a) I object to the "na" bit and b) I can't get the BlogHer site to let me join. BelgianWaffle warned this might be a problem, but for me it's the word verification I can't get to work.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
First hearing about open adoption
I'm a bit late to the table on this one, but this is partly because I read the post and thought, well, I can't remember hearing about it first - it must have just seeped in; or alternatively that I'd heard about friends who were adopted meeting their birth families as adults, and kind of assumed that open adoption for children was just an extension of this.
But then I remembered.
In 1999 I was working in Southern California, and a mildly irritating hippy type colleague mentioned that he was heading to a different part of the state for the weekend to meet up with "his daughter's birth mother". I now remember being stopped in my tracks. At the time, I was in touch with my former foster son; I did know his father, and could see that there was some benefit in having contact, even if just so the boy could see how unreliable his father was. But I didn't really manage to link the two, not because A wasn't adopted, but because I thought of younger adoptions as being different. In fact, it is only now that I recognise the link. At the time, I am pretty sure I didn't see the point in this colleague's daughter having contact.
I've been talking recently to a couple of people (including Mr Spouse, who agrees with me) about how I find it hard that UK adopters are much less in favour of openness and contact than equivalent US adopters. Everyone says "ah, but it's different in the US, it's all relinquished babies". But it isn't, and adopters from foster care I think are more positive towards openness and contact; and there are some relinquished (or removed at birth) children in the UK, and I tend to hear the argument "they don't have a relationship, so there's no point in contact".
I hope I am able to live up to my ideals. A's dad didn't vanish or cut off contact, but mainly tended to come and see me when he wanted something. If contact is like that, I've got experience in handling it. We'll see. But I think we'll be OK.
But then I remembered.
In 1999 I was working in Southern California, and a mildly irritating hippy type colleague mentioned that he was heading to a different part of the state for the weekend to meet up with "his daughter's birth mother". I now remember being stopped in my tracks. At the time, I was in touch with my former foster son; I did know his father, and could see that there was some benefit in having contact, even if just so the boy could see how unreliable his father was. But I didn't really manage to link the two, not because A wasn't adopted, but because I thought of younger adoptions as being different. In fact, it is only now that I recognise the link. At the time, I am pretty sure I didn't see the point in this colleague's daughter having contact.
I've been talking recently to a couple of people (including Mr Spouse, who agrees with me) about how I find it hard that UK adopters are much less in favour of openness and contact than equivalent US adopters. Everyone says "ah, but it's different in the US, it's all relinquished babies". But it isn't, and adopters from foster care I think are more positive towards openness and contact; and there are some relinquished (or removed at birth) children in the UK, and I tend to hear the argument "they don't have a relationship, so there's no point in contact".
I hope I am able to live up to my ideals. A's dad didn't vanish or cut off contact, but mainly tended to come and see me when he wanted something. If contact is like that, I've got experience in handling it. We'll see. But I think we'll be OK.
Lesson learned
We have always been told, and other adopters have said, that we need to remember that any information about our child's birth family or background is theirs to decide if they want to share when they are older. I've learned this the hard way this week.
I was updating my mum on the phone calls (two now) that we've had with the expectant mother, and told her some information that I thought was neutral, or even quite positive. Her reaction was extreme, and negative. Now, I know she has buttons, and clearly this pushes one of htem, but they are buttons that normal people would hide, and wouldn't even think to say anything about. I was very offended and hung up on her, and then emailed her to explain the whole "even if you think it's shareable, it isn't" conversation. From now on I will be behaving like the proverbial clam. Sorry if you were hoping for details. But thankfully my mother now has apologised.
We did have a second conversation as I said with N* as I'll call her, which was a little less awkward than the first one, with a couple of confusing pieces of information, and a couple that made other things make more sense (one of which made it seem like, all other things being equal, there is another reason why N is unlikely to be able to parent). One of the confusing pieces of information made more sense when we got another email from the social worker. It wasn't anything that N wanted to be kept private, nor was it something she specifically asked us to tell the social worker, but I'm glad we passed on the information - we have found the social worker a teeny bit brief/rushed on occasion, but it's helpful to know what she's dealing with.
Sorry to be so cryptic here but I think you get why!
*I have just come back to change this, after I realised that of course my former foster son is also A and that I'd referred to him in the very next post. Gah. I'll have to try and remember to keep the pseudonyms straight.
I was updating my mum on the phone calls (two now) that we've had with the expectant mother, and told her some information that I thought was neutral, or even quite positive. Her reaction was extreme, and negative. Now, I know she has buttons, and clearly this pushes one of htem, but they are buttons that normal people would hide, and wouldn't even think to say anything about. I was very offended and hung up on her, and then emailed her to explain the whole "even if you think it's shareable, it isn't" conversation. From now on I will be behaving like the proverbial clam. Sorry if you were hoping for details. But thankfully my mother now has apologised.
We did have a second conversation as I said with N* as I'll call her, which was a little less awkward than the first one, with a couple of confusing pieces of information, and a couple that made other things make more sense (one of which made it seem like, all other things being equal, there is another reason why N is unlikely to be able to parent). One of the confusing pieces of information made more sense when we got another email from the social worker. It wasn't anything that N wanted to be kept private, nor was it something she specifically asked us to tell the social worker, but I'm glad we passed on the information - we have found the social worker a teeny bit brief/rushed on occasion, but it's helpful to know what she's dealing with.
Sorry to be so cryptic here but I think you get why!
*I have just come back to change this, after I realised that of course my former foster son is also A and that I'd referred to him in the very next post. Gah. I'll have to try and remember to keep the pseudonyms straight.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Dress spurs
They don't catch on the carpet but they do clank a lot.
Just one of many facts I learned today. Among these were:
Fashion goddesses dress very boringly when meeting the Queen (black hat, black coat)
Well known children's authors have much more fun taste in hats (bright red cloche)
My dad is probably the only person on Britain who can sit next to a national treasure and not talk to him, but say he looked "familiar".
Someone, somewhere is making a lot of money off gold braid.
The string section of the band of the Welsh Guards does a nice line in show tunes.
Even important people don't get tea at the Palace.
You can't walk out of Buckingham Palace when they are changing the Guard.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Bookmarking
Hopefully this list will be useful before too long (yes it has a lot on it, and since we won't take most stuff home from our travels, I am going to look into renting, but as a point to start from...)
And Thalia, that is a really really kind offer of baby stuff. We have a friend about an hour away who says she has a lot of stuff in her attic. Her daughter is 11 so some of it will be a) girl specific (not too much, knowing her, though) b) not up to current health and safety standards or c) a bit mouldy. I am thinking I will let her know when we are coming home and ask to come and pick up most stuff at that point (or, if she's feeling generous, ask her to come and deliver it!).
I know your stuff will be more recent and will include boy stuff (or let's say, more non-girl stuff, and I also know you won't have too many mini soldier outfits - previous observation has indicated though that Next is the only shop with unisex baby clothes, please, why??? Is it so I have to knit or sew everything? Because crafting is definitely going to go by the wayside, and my mum doesn't know how to sew knits or to knit anything other than Norwegian sweaters). So I will definitely get back to you on that one, cheers m'dear.
Oh I forgot - we did talk to the expectant mom - we rang on Friday evening, she answered straight away and knew who we were (well doh, is another random British stranger going to be calling her!) but it wasn't convenient to talk so we rang back (at quite a late hour - and that's why I forgot to say - because the next day I went to Blackpool with 8 of my Brownies and 9000 others (and some rather scared looking non-Guiding families who were also there), so that kind of put it out of my mind.
Anyway, the chat was, well, awkward, but not too bad. Hard to know. We were all polite but I felt a bit like I was gabbing and grilling her. We'll call back next week, we think she suggested Saturday but we aren't quite sure if our collective memory is correct.
And Thalia, that is a really really kind offer of baby stuff. We have a friend about an hour away who says she has a lot of stuff in her attic. Her daughter is 11 so some of it will be a) girl specific (not too much, knowing her, though) b) not up to current health and safety standards or c) a bit mouldy. I am thinking I will let her know when we are coming home and ask to come and pick up most stuff at that point (or, if she's feeling generous, ask her to come and deliver it!).
I know your stuff will be more recent and will include boy stuff (or let's say, more non-girl stuff, and I also know you won't have too many mini soldier outfits - previous observation has indicated though that Next is the only shop with unisex baby clothes, please, why??? Is it so I have to knit or sew everything? Because crafting is definitely going to go by the wayside, and my mum doesn't know how to sew knits or to knit anything other than Norwegian sweaters). So I will definitely get back to you on that one, cheers m'dear.
Oh I forgot - we did talk to the expectant mom - we rang on Friday evening, she answered straight away and knew who we were (well doh, is another random British stranger going to be calling her!) but it wasn't convenient to talk so we rang back (at quite a late hour - and that's why I forgot to say - because the next day I went to Blackpool with 8 of my Brownies and 9000 others (and some rather scared looking non-Guiding families who were also there), so that kind of put it out of my mind.
Anyway, the chat was, well, awkward, but not too bad. Hard to know. We were all polite but I felt a bit like I was gabbing and grilling her. We'll call back next week, we think she suggested Saturday but we aren't quite sure if our collective memory is correct.
You know what this feels like...
It doesn't feel like the home stretch. It feels exactly like having just got a positive test and waiting to tell people until we are more sure. It feels like saying, well, if we get to six weeks we'll tell family, we'll only tell work if we get to 12 weeks.
At least I don't have to be on knicker watch.
At least I don't have to be on knicker watch.
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Not to do list...
We had a bit of a panic and a few cross words were exchanged last night. I think we just feel overwhelmed and this is preventing us from feeling excited. Today I feel a little bit excited, but mainly just knackered (I hadn't been sleeping well even before this) and very slightly less overwhelmed...
Today we needed to:
Send yet more money to Official Hague Person - check
Ask OHP if they need to contact the UK "central authority" now - check
Send forms to Nice Little Agency - check
Start to think about who to tell, and when
Panic about calling the expectant mother - double check
Thinking about asking the nursery at work what to do about a place that we may, or may not, need - check
However we will not be:
Telling more than immediate family (the list is less than 10 people, and does not include my boss, anyone on Facebook, thanks guys)
Telling work
Buying any baby stuff
Knitting any baby stuff
But I have to confess that I did look up what vacation spots there are within a few hours' drive of the city the baby will be born in...
Today we needed to:
Send yet more money to Official Hague Person - check
Ask OHP if they need to contact the UK "central authority" now - check
Send forms to Nice Little Agency - check
Start to think about who to tell, and when
Panic about calling the expectant mother - double check
Thinking about asking the nursery at work what to do about a place that we may, or may not, need - check
However we will not be:
Telling more than immediate family (the list is less than 10 people, and does not include my boss, anyone on Facebook, thanks guys)
Telling work
Buying any baby stuff
Knitting any baby stuff
But I have to confess that I did look up what vacation spots there are within a few hours' drive of the city the baby will be born in...
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Welll.......
It looks like it's going to be a good week for the Spousehold.
An expensive week, but a good week.
The expectant mother has picked us. And although perhaps there were other situations we weren't picked for because the parents didn't have full information, there are other things that mean this is a good match for us. But one of the things that made her happy was us wanting to meet, and she knows it won't be that often, and I'm just going to look up vacation spots suitable for children near her city...
It's probably a boy (you know how it is with ultrasounds, sorry, sonograms as I must remember to call them), due in January. So 3 months to bite my fingernails. Will she decide to parent before the birth, will the father turn up, will she decide to parent after the birth, will the state authorities take ages to allow us to travel out of state, will the baby get sick, will the baby die, will the US authorities take ages to allow us to travel out of the US, will the UK authorities play ball... some of you have been there, done that, please hold my hand!
Although Mr Spouse has been a little worried about costs, he has basically said "go for it"; we aren't entirely sure exactly how much we owe as we have three different copies of the totals/estimates. We will wait and see what they say... and then empty the bank account. Thank goodness for low mortgage interest rates meaning we have a little in the savings.
In other news, my dad is getting a major award from a member of the Royal Family next week. I'm beavering away on the sewing machine to make a dress and have also stupidly decided to make a hat from a hat blank (one of those things you don't know how hard it will be so you say, yes, why not). The dress has some restitching on the neckline, the hem, and a bunch of hand sewing to do. The hat... well... I'll remain silent. I'm just hoping we'll meet a Goodie.
An expensive week, but a good week.
The expectant mother has picked us. And although perhaps there were other situations we weren't picked for because the parents didn't have full information, there are other things that mean this is a good match for us. But one of the things that made her happy was us wanting to meet, and she knows it won't be that often, and I'm just going to look up vacation spots suitable for children near her city...
It's probably a boy (you know how it is with ultrasounds, sorry, sonograms as I must remember to call them), due in January. So 3 months to bite my fingernails. Will she decide to parent before the birth, will the father turn up, will she decide to parent after the birth, will the state authorities take ages to allow us to travel out of state, will the baby get sick, will the baby die, will the US authorities take ages to allow us to travel out of the US, will the UK authorities play ball... some of you have been there, done that, please hold my hand!
Although Mr Spouse has been a little worried about costs, he has basically said "go for it"; we aren't entirely sure exactly how much we owe as we have three different copies of the totals/estimates. We will wait and see what they say... and then empty the bank account. Thank goodness for low mortgage interest rates meaning we have a little in the savings.
In other news, my dad is getting a major award from a member of the Royal Family next week. I'm beavering away on the sewing machine to make a dress and have also stupidly decided to make a hat from a hat blank (one of those things you don't know how hard it will be so you say, yes, why not). The dress has some restitching on the neckline, the hem, and a bunch of hand sewing to do. The hat... well... I'll remain silent. I'm just hoping we'll meet a Goodie.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Just a quickie...
Another call about a situation, this time pretty much OK, no major worries, yes please show our profile. Photo on their profile of expectant mother with child she does not live with - so please emphasise we'd be open to visits, but couldn't promise very often. Oh, you'd be open to visits?
Erm, have they not read our profile?
We have not put this specifically on the full colour profile in so many words as we were told some parents are not keen and wouldn't want to be pushed into this. But it says this on our agency forms, we told them, have they forgotten? Have they not been telling expectant parents?
Anyway hoping this might be the right one for us, should hear tomorrow or the next day.
Erm, have they not read our profile?
We have not put this specifically on the full colour profile in so many words as we were told some parents are not keen and wouldn't want to be pushed into this. But it says this on our agency forms, we told them, have they forgotten? Have they not been telling expectant parents?
Anyway hoping this might be the right one for us, should hear tomorrow or the next day.
Monday, September 19, 2011
A second opinion
I may have said, and I'm too lazy to check, but I've been having some checks for exercise-induced asthma. It was when Mr Spouse said there was no need for me to ring the bell after I've got back from a run, I just need to stand outside the front door and cough...
The first GP I could get in to see got me to do a peak flow diary. It was inconclusive, so he suggested I wait a couple of months, keep up the exercise and try again. In the meantime, I saw my regular GP for a repeat adoption medical* and he asked why the first GP wasn't just trying me on an inhaler. The first GP got me to do another peak flow diary. It was borderline (clearer, but borderline), so he sent me to do a more complicated breathing test with the nurse. Not surprisingly, since I only get breathless after half an hour's exercise, and I had just strolled 10 minutes from the house, it was fine.
The nurse also asked why I'd never tried an inhaler, and when I told her about the two GPs different attitudes she left a note for my regular GP saying "please prescribe an inhaler".
Ahem.
In other news, I had an email exchange today and then had to call a colleague because she's going into hospital tomorrow. A few years younger than me, on her second (but this time very happy) marriage, no kids, devoted aunt. I shared that when I had GA it made me groggy for most of a week. Sounds like she's having one too. Hmm... thirty-something woman, apparently very healthy, having a procedure under GA...
*involving a long saga of lost post and unreadable photocopies. Gah.
The first GP I could get in to see got me to do a peak flow diary. It was inconclusive, so he suggested I wait a couple of months, keep up the exercise and try again. In the meantime, I saw my regular GP for a repeat adoption medical* and he asked why the first GP wasn't just trying me on an inhaler. The first GP got me to do another peak flow diary. It was borderline (clearer, but borderline), so he sent me to do a more complicated breathing test with the nurse. Not surprisingly, since I only get breathless after half an hour's exercise, and I had just strolled 10 minutes from the house, it was fine.
The nurse also asked why I'd never tried an inhaler, and when I told her about the two GPs different attitudes she left a note for my regular GP saying "please prescribe an inhaler".
Ahem.
In other news, I had an email exchange today and then had to call a colleague because she's going into hospital tomorrow. A few years younger than me, on her second (but this time very happy) marriage, no kids, devoted aunt. I shared that when I had GA it made me groggy for most of a week. Sounds like she's having one too. Hmm... thirty-something woman, apparently very healthy, having a procedure under GA...
*involving a long saga of lost post and unreadable photocopies. Gah.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Anniversary
In 1998, I spent the 4th July at the Marine Club next to one of the US embassies that was bombed the next month. We all knew who Bin Laden and Al Qaeda were. We also knew that US embassy personnel had delayed ambulances getting to the office building next to the Nairobi embassy, that had also blown up.
Ten years ago today, I was in the air, first flying to Nairobi overnight, and then at the time the planes were in the air over the East Coast of the US, I was on an internal flight. Because I'd flown overnight, I went straight to a colleague's house and had a nap. I woke up later that afternoon and everyone was listening to the BBC World Service. I could not believe what I was hearing, to the point where I thought it was a joke, or exaggerated. I did not see any pictures of the attacks until several days later, and then only stills on the web.
This weekend there has also been news of a ferry disaster in an ocean I know very well. I have never taken that ferry but once I was on a catamaran ferry in that stretch of water and we suddenly slowed and stopped. We picked up two fishermen clinging to their outrigger boat. They had been there for at least 24 hours and were suffering from dehydration and, because the sea is cold and it is not that warm at this time of year, imminent hypothermia. Poverty kills, in unexpected ways. One of the biggest causes of death in developing countries is road accidents, from poorly maintained vehicles or poorly skilled drivers, or both
Thursday, September 01, 2011
The lazy woman's blogging
Nothing much at this end - another suggestion of a match from our agency which once again was well outside our parameters (but we firmly reset the parameters and we think they understood this time).
Might as well do a meme or two (though I hate hate hate that word). This looks fairly mindless though May's H says it is hard. I will let you know when I get to the bottom.
1. Yourself: distracted
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend [husband]: woodworking
3. Your hair: highlighted
4. Your mother/stepmother: stingy
5. Your dog: non-existent
6. Your favorite item: Bernina
7. Your dream last night: none
8. Your favorite drink: coffee
9. Your dream car: VW
10. The room you are in: office
12. Your fear: widowhood
13. What you want to be in 10 years: mum
14. Who you hung out with last night: fabric
15. What you’re not: concentrating
16. Muffin: cranberry
17: One of your wish list items: Chosen
18: Time: teatime
19. The last thing you did: writing
20. What you are wearing: chinos
21. Your favorite weather: tropical
22. Your favorite book: Wimsey
23. The last thing you ate: halloumi
24. Your life: full
25. Your mood: distracted
26. Your best friend(s): none
27. What are you thinking about right now? writing
28. Your car: A-class
29. What are you doing at the moment?: cogitating
30. Your summer: chilly
31. Your relationship status: lovely
32. What is on your TV?: nowt
33. What is the weather like?: chilly
34. When is the last time you laughed?: yesterday
OK, that wasn't tooooo hard but I had to change some of the answers.
I'm currently making this and contemplating a hat for a VIP award ceremony next month (not me that is getting the award). Mr Spouse is still on DIY leave and has assembled a glass-fronted bookcase to keep ornaments in, and away from small children, as well as making (from scratch) window-alcove cupboards, a small table for my laptop (which I really just use as a hard drive), new legs for my cutting table, and project managing the new loo under the stairs (which so far really consists of ringing round all the workmen only to find that at least one is on holiday - they start in 3 weeks which gives us that long to pack up all the stuff).
Monday, August 22, 2011
Coming out
Although there are a lot of people who know we are prospective adoptive parents, I'm not really ready to tell a whole bunch of other people, and even the ones that know, I'd rather not remind them as I'm not up for boring questions about when it will happen.
So whenever something comes up for which the true explanation is "we want it/want to know it for when we have a baby" I tend to fudge the issue. Excuses range from "it will be handy to have another loo when we have visitors" to "ooh, my nieces will like that doll".
I'm just going to leave it all as a big surprise.
So whenever something comes up for which the true explanation is "we want it/want to know it for when we have a baby" I tend to fudge the issue. Excuses range from "it will be handy to have another loo when we have visitors" to "ooh, my nieces will like that doll".
I'm just going to leave it all as a big surprise.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Oh yes
The friend with the christening. Emailed (normally she's allergic to email) to say do we want to meet up when she's up our way. Considering how to reply. I imagine she actually did not get get birthday present, but still feel it would have been at least polite to tell us about the christening.
I don't normally do this
But do please stop by On the Edge to say congratulations. They met their little girl today!
(Though they are, perhaps, doomed if she doesn't like pink).
Monday, August 15, 2011
Redux
I feel there's been a lot missing, but not very much happened. Anyway:
Mother and niece (7) came to stay. Mother annoyed everyone. Niece and I went on holiday with the Brownies. All Brownies behaved themselves well and undertook many adventurous activities, fear only being displayed for the most part in the face of potato, peas, and bed-times, not in the face of Climbing Up Large Structures And Jumping Off In A Harness.
Self and Brownies and Niece arrived back home, immediately followed by mother (who does not know the alarm code, who KNOWS she does not know the alarm code, so what did she think she'd do if we weren't back yet?). Mother annoyed everyone.
Several areas of London and Manchester burnt to a crisp/smashed to pieces. Include a) high street shops near my former church (where we got married) b) residential street opposite ditto c) precinct 1/2 mile from mother-in-law's flat and d) small row of shops 100m from MIL's flat. Does not include high street shops nearer my old flat (but not much nearer - church is about 1 1/2 miles away, other shops about 1 mile) as these are heartily defended by Turkish shopkeepers with baseball bats.
Despite rioting, the flat, which was for rent, gets an offer within a week of being on the market. London housing is crazy.
Your author becomes not only published but paid for. If you have not yet seen the link on that other place, email me (as it does, not surprisingly, reveal my name).
MIL turns 91 and thankfully does not have any idea about the rioting round the corner from her house. Also has no idea who I am. She is at least polite and does not say this to my face.
Mother is arranging 70th birthday which is in January, for which she "just wants to stay home and have everyone to stay and cook for them". Even just her two children, their spouses, and my two nieces won't fit round her table. Despite being very rude about them, I do know she has kept a few friends over the years. She does not like the idea of going out anywhere or going to stay anywhere, but wants to take the same people to Paris at Easter, wondering (yet again) why we cannot commit to that yet.
Added into the mix now is that Mr Spouse has surprised no-one but himself and got a First in his degree and is moving on to do an MSc in Something Boring and Businessy which includes a fairly lengthy work placement, which again cannot be predicted, probably cannot be changed, and my mother cannot understand why it can't be cancelled, predicted, or changed.
Mother and niece (7) came to stay. Mother annoyed everyone. Niece and I went on holiday with the Brownies. All Brownies behaved themselves well and undertook many adventurous activities, fear only being displayed for the most part in the face of potato, peas, and bed-times, not in the face of Climbing Up Large Structures And Jumping Off In A Harness.
Self and Brownies and Niece arrived back home, immediately followed by mother (who does not know the alarm code, who KNOWS she does not know the alarm code, so what did she think she'd do if we weren't back yet?). Mother annoyed everyone.
Several areas of London and Manchester burnt to a crisp/smashed to pieces. Include a) high street shops near my former church (where we got married) b) residential street opposite ditto c) precinct 1/2 mile from mother-in-law's flat and d) small row of shops 100m from MIL's flat. Does not include high street shops nearer my old flat (but not much nearer - church is about 1 1/2 miles away, other shops about 1 mile) as these are heartily defended by Turkish shopkeepers with baseball bats.
Despite rioting, the flat, which was for rent, gets an offer within a week of being on the market. London housing is crazy.
Your author becomes not only published but paid for. If you have not yet seen the link on that other place, email me (as it does, not surprisingly, reveal my name).
MIL turns 91 and thankfully does not have any idea about the rioting round the corner from her house. Also has no idea who I am. She is at least polite and does not say this to my face.
Mother is arranging 70th birthday which is in January, for which she "just wants to stay home and have everyone to stay and cook for them". Even just her two children, their spouses, and my two nieces won't fit round her table. Despite being very rude about them, I do know she has kept a few friends over the years. She does not like the idea of going out anywhere or going to stay anywhere, but wants to take the same people to Paris at Easter, wondering (yet again) why we cannot commit to that yet.
Added into the mix now is that Mr Spouse has surprised no-one but himself and got a First in his degree and is moving on to do an MSc in Something Boring and Businessy which includes a fairly lengthy work placement, which again cannot be predicted, probably cannot be changed, and my mother cannot understand why it can't be cancelled, predicted, or changed.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
I shouldn't be too surprised
Our friends (my best woman and her husband) who had one? two? miscarriages and two rounds of IVF plus FET (again, can't remember the numbers, but I definitely supported her through it, that goes without saying) had their baby baptised this morning. I found out through a mutual friend's FB post, who is his godmother. Now, she is currently a closer (both geographically and socially) friend than I am, though I actually knew both of them first. But I'm upset they didn't even invite us.
I have no godchildren, except for my younger niece. My niece is delightful, but my brother and sister-in-law I know had little choice in "friends or family who have actually been baptised" since sister-in-law is Catholic, they live in a Catholic country, and there was no real choice of the church to use - so the godparents had to be baptised - and they wanted one from my brother's side, which basically leaves me - and you can't really be a different aunt-and-godmother when you have a niece that you are not godmother to.
I am not bitter about this in the way that I am definitely bitter, and proud, of being childless. But clearly my friends who have lots of friends who go to church see me way down the list of potential godparents. And my friends who have almost no friends who go to church (this is how my friend C got about 5 godparent gigs) perhaps aren't bothering. But at least Mr Spouse's best man and his irritating wife* actually invited us to their son's (fancy, expensive) dedication (I think they have "sponsors" not godparents but we were happy not to be them as they are Baptist and our theology is a little different).
When we thought we would have children within, ooh, a decade of marriage, we had some ideas for godparents. Mr Spouse's best man would obviously not do, as he does not believe in infant baptism (and neither would his wife. How sad). I was assuming that my best woman would be a shoo-in**, and we had some other ideas - particularly other people who'd played a big part in our wedding. Some of those we keep up with quite a lot, others not so much, but I realise I don't have any other particularly good ideas.
Few of my family go to church (though there is one couple that we were thinking of asking anyway). Few of Mr Spouse's family are alive. We have not made that many friends who are really young enough (sounds mean, but to be pragmatic), because most people our age at church have children and don't socialise with sad childless couples. Fairly new friends are hard to predict - will they stay friends? - and most of our fairly new friends don't go to church anyway. Which is why you fall back on old friends. Or at least those you thought were old friends.
*If you can't remember that far back, they struggled to get pregnant but then announced to us that she was pregnant the minute we joined them for a ski-ing holiday, staying in the same condo, no escape. OK, avoiding the wine and hot tub might have been a clue, so they couldn't really have kept it quiet, but pre-warning would have been nice. And they are currently smug about the fact that we "have to" adopt and they don't, and full of Good Advice about how to bring up children.
**yes, that is how you spell it.
I have no godchildren, except for my younger niece. My niece is delightful, but my brother and sister-in-law I know had little choice in "friends or family who have actually been baptised" since sister-in-law is Catholic, they live in a Catholic country, and there was no real choice of the church to use - so the godparents had to be baptised - and they wanted one from my brother's side, which basically leaves me - and you can't really be a different aunt-and-godmother when you have a niece that you are not godmother to.
I am not bitter about this in the way that I am definitely bitter, and proud, of being childless. But clearly my friends who have lots of friends who go to church see me way down the list of potential godparents. And my friends who have almost no friends who go to church (this is how my friend C got about 5 godparent gigs) perhaps aren't bothering. But at least Mr Spouse's best man and his irritating wife* actually invited us to their son's (fancy, expensive) dedication (I think they have "sponsors" not godparents but we were happy not to be them as they are Baptist and our theology is a little different).
When we thought we would have children within, ooh, a decade of marriage, we had some ideas for godparents. Mr Spouse's best man would obviously not do, as he does not believe in infant baptism (and neither would his wife. How sad). I was assuming that my best woman would be a shoo-in**, and we had some other ideas - particularly other people who'd played a big part in our wedding. Some of those we keep up with quite a lot, others not so much, but I realise I don't have any other particularly good ideas.
Few of my family go to church (though there is one couple that we were thinking of asking anyway). Few of Mr Spouse's family are alive. We have not made that many friends who are really young enough (sounds mean, but to be pragmatic), because most people our age at church have children and don't socialise with sad childless couples. Fairly new friends are hard to predict - will they stay friends? - and most of our fairly new friends don't go to church anyway. Which is why you fall back on old friends. Or at least those you thought were old friends.
*If you can't remember that far back, they struggled to get pregnant but then announced to us that she was pregnant the minute we joined them for a ski-ing holiday, staying in the same condo, no escape. OK, avoiding the wine and hot tub might have been a clue, so they couldn't really have kept it quiet, but pre-warning would have been nice. And they are currently smug about the fact that we "have to" adopt and they don't, and full of Good Advice about how to bring up children.
**yes, that is how you spell it.
Monday, July 25, 2011
You can stop biting your fingernails
We decided not to have our profile shown. There wasn't anything specific, just a combination of things adding up to us feeling there was too much to handle. I was about 75% positive but Mr Spouse more like 50/50 I'm estimating.
One positive was that we had a nice chat with a social worker at Nice Little Agency. Our profile has been shown other times (they don't tell us about all of them if it's firmly within our criteria) but we aren't currently under consideration (I didn't think we were). They don't need any other copies of our profile just now (we get them printed over there and shipped locally). All well. Apart from our impatience of course!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Restrictive
We are currently in limbo with another situation - I am away with work (fly back this afternoon so won't be able to discuss with Mr Spouse till tomorrow afternoon) and we heard about it on Weds or Thurs so there's been a bit of angst my end, not knowing what will happen. It is a bit tricksy though I think also the expectant parents are not in a huge rush, so can wait a few days to be shown profiles - but I get the impression there are not many prospective adopters lining up to be shown either so we would not be in competition, or not with too many.
This couple already knows they are expecting a boy (ultrasound mistakes notwithstanding) and after reading May's post about names (sorry love, I can't find your post, would you like to provide a driveby link in the comments?) I realised that I have very very restrictive criteria for naming a boy (and, it happens, a girl). I am not quite sure Mr Spouse realises quite how restrictive they are. One of the names must be my father's and the other must be a family name, and it mustn't be the same name as my uncle much as I like that name, because Mr Spouse has a Welsh last name, and it is the "matching" first name. And it mustn't be the same as my cousin (because that would give the child the exact same name as my dad), and it mustn't be the same as my brother (because there are too many of those in the family). There's about 2 options left.
So instead of wondering "is this our baby?" I am now wondering "is this going to be Tarquin Worthington Spouse Jones, or is a different baby going to be Tarquin Worthington Spouse Jones?". Which is a bit of an existential question.
This couple already knows they are expecting a boy (ultrasound mistakes notwithstanding) and after reading May's post about names (sorry love, I can't find your post, would you like to provide a driveby link in the comments?) I realised that I have very very restrictive criteria for naming a boy (and, it happens, a girl). I am not quite sure Mr Spouse realises quite how restrictive they are. One of the names must be my father's and the other must be a family name, and it mustn't be the same name as my uncle much as I like that name, because Mr Spouse has a Welsh last name, and it is the "matching" first name. And it mustn't be the same as my cousin (because that would give the child the exact same name as my dad), and it mustn't be the same as my brother (because there are too many of those in the family). There's about 2 options left.
So instead of wondering "is this our baby?" I am now wondering "is this going to be Tarquin Worthington Spouse Jones, or is a different baby going to be Tarquin Worthington Spouse Jones?". Which is a bit of an existential question.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)