Erm... okay

Haven’t been particularly well – I have a recurrent inner ear inflammation (symptoms – dizziness, slight nausea, can’t drive or ride my bike, tired, doctor prescribes something which I think is antihistamine) which I suspect flares up when I’m busiest because it’s stress related; and I’ve been very busy at work; and I can’t really blog at work because a) I don’t have time and b) Blogger and Macs don’t mix; and I don’t really want to blog from the PC at home because I would rather veg on the sofa. Hence no posts.

I read the article on miscarriage that Thalia linked to, and emailed the authors to ask if they had analysed their risk factors separately for recurrent miscarriers. I did phrase it in fairly statistical terms so hopefully it will have made sense to them (though I am not a statistician, medics think that only statisticians know about statistics, but psychologists are supposed to do their own statistics, so I sound a little like I know what I’m talking about, but medics never believe that I do anyway). But they haven’t replied. However apart from some minor things (like multivitamins, which are probably just an indicator of a) caring or b) eating properly in general), the article also had a strong suggestion that stress – either one-off or long term- has a significant impact on miscarriage. And I have only ever got pregnant out of university term times, and two of my miscarriages have been during busy teaching periods. Including this last one. And I am beginning to wonder if I should really be pregnant and working; and of course feeling very guilty and sad that dashing around between 4w and 5w could have been bad for this one, when I ended up off work at 5w anyway. Something else to talk to the consultant about, I think.

Speaking of which, after a bit of phone runaround, the consultant’s secretary thinks my FSH/LH must be fine (or the consultant would have given her some wording to the contrary to send/tell me) but the genetic tests aren’t back yet. I assume that it’s quicker to do PGD than to do this because they know what they are looking for – clearly people can’t wait 10 weeks for genetic testing on an embryo. I’m going to ring again 2 weeks before our early April appointment, anyway, just in case. I’ve booked us in for an open evening at Small But Perfectly Formed Clinic which a) does PGD and b) happens to be right round the corner from our bijoux flat-ette pied-a-terre type thing. If we did IVF there we’d have to consider not just the cost of treatment but the lost income… But as we’ve just watched the Money Programme “The Cost of Kids” (£180K per child, pregnancy-18, apparently) and have decided any children are only having Oxfam or Freecycle clothes and equipment, perhaps we’ll save at that end…

Another weekend, another birthday

I'm getting very blasé about this... we have a big (local) party tonight which is a surprise in that I don't know where it is, and everyone else thinks I don't know about it, but Mr. Spouse had to ask me who to invite. Tomorrow we're going to see Eddie Reader and next week The Producers. It's all go! But one of my best friends can't come as she was up all night as her hospital was supposed to be admitting people from the train crash (Not Many Injured) - although they actually didn't, they had to clear all the beds...

My period turned up on Thursday, politely avoiding my birthday, and Ash Wednesday (2 years, liturgically, after we saw an empty sac the first time round), when I had a negative (cheapo) test - glad I didn't waste the good ones. Thursday I felt so crampy and sick and tired and just wanted to glaze in front of the telly and Mr. Spouse felt the same (well, not crampy obviously, but he's getting over a nasty cold) and I mentioned an appointment or something and he said "I don't feel like doing either IVF or adoption" and I didn't feel I could say anything because he was clearly just as out of it as me (and he went to bed at 10pm, unheard of). He did clarify yesterday that he meant he didn't feel like doing anything now, and that is exactly how I feel too. But I got rather panicky for a moment.

So far, not bad

Being old, that is. I had a lovely weekend away with 6 friends and us in a historic house (from the Landmark Trust), and then on Sunday large quantities of family came round to visit, see the house, and eat buffet platters ordered from Waitrose. Officially they were not all in the house at the same time (the house people are a bit fussy about that - it is annoying, because if there are 10 of you you can only have 2 extra guests, whereas if there are 2 of you you can still have 2 extra guests). These are the friends I was blogging about a while back - two infertile couples and us, with our RPL friends coming on Sunday.

There was also a new friend from where we live now, and an old friend from the last place I lived but about five, who has since been first my flatmate and then went out with my cousin for over 2 years: he, although not a bad chap really, probably needs to realise that 38 is not too young to settle down. In cousin-versus-friend, she wins.

One couple are my absolute bestest friends (she's a primary school teacher, they have just been referred to a gynae) but the others (she works in children's TV) are more Mr. Spouse's friends, and are slightly more conservative than us, though very sweet, total bricks, and were really great when the house was invaded by the hordes of relatives, including five children. They are the ones who are going for "treatment" (we haven't asked what); when we were choosing food at the restaurant on Saturday night (example of their brickness: she is very unfond of fish, I had chosen a fish restaurant, but checked alternatives were on the menu, without realising she couldn't stand the smell either. In the event the smell wasn't too bad, but it was noticeable. She just kept quiet and slipped away early. Like I say, a brick.) she said "oh, no blue cheese either".

I thought she meant she had an allergy to that too, but no, she's been "eating as if pregnant" for two weeks out of four for the last two years. My mind boggled. But perhaps everyone else does that too? Come on lurkers, I know you're out there. Tell me.

You may have noticed a slight absence of something. That's right, my period. I noticed too. It's only CD30 which would be no big deal after a miscarriage, if it were not for the very early appearance of post-ovulatory symptoms (the can-I-leave-my-bra-on-please syndrome) this month. Either for some bizarre reason I had a progesterone surge before I ovulated, and ovulation was later than I thought (in which case, our timing wasn't as bad as I thought, but I imagine that progesterone would have worked like the mini-pill, so I won't be pregnant), or it's the longest luteal phase in my own personal history (in which case our timing was off, so again I won't be pregnant), or it was just being polite and waiting till my birthday (yesterday, we went to see Casablanca on the big screen) was over.

Anyway, I'm promised pancakes, so will go and remind someone of this.

Briefly, all's well

I had the last appointment of the ultrasound day yesterday - 4pm - as I had a meeting in another city (not the one we live in and not the one the hospital was in) in the morning, and fortunately a nice colleague was getting the train with me back from the meeting and distracted me from worrying, and we were early enough that I could start drinking my large quantities of liquid once I got off the train, and didn't have to walk too far with a full bladder.

They even saw me on time (slightly early, actually) and the radiographer was very pleasant (though she didn't say "oh, I'm sorry" when I told her I didn't know where I was in my cycle because of the miscarriage). But she was able to tell me my uterus looked nice and "juicy" (packing the tampons for the weekend, then), and my ovaries were both the right size (though one was sitting on top of the uterus "like a hat") and then on the condom-covered one (not had that before - the gel wasn't too bad, do they sell it for, er, personal purposes do you think?) she could see that there were lots of little follicles on the right gearing up to argue over whose turn it is, and one big empty one on the left.

All in order, no cysts whatsoever. As everyone goes home about 4.30, the waiting room across the corridor where I normally go was empty but the receptionist suggested I go and see if the nurses (as in, walking down to the nurses' station without an escort) could track down any test results that were ready. The usual nurse was with a patient but I was willing to wait a little while (I'm reading Blood, Sweat and Tea, which is this blog's book), and they were all lovely and polite and left her a message and made sure they came out to the waiting room to reassure me they'd left her a message, and then to tell me she couldn't find any notes so I could ring the consultant's secretary another day. So I will - at my local hospital they aren't allowed to give you results over the phone but can read you the consultant's letter (!) once it's dictated - and the secretary is very nice, so I think I'll try next week for the hormone tests (LH vs FSH - but I doubt it's going to be any big revelation) and in a couple of weeks for the genetic tests. My theory is once I tell them I'm in the RPL clinic they feel sorry for me and let me do things other patients (the heavily pregnant ones that smoke outside the doors next to the sign marked NO SMOKING, or the ones with a newborn ditto) aren't allowed to do.

Now off to a large Landmark Trust property with 6 friends for the weekend; family are joining us for lunch on Sunday, and on Monday I will be Officially Old. No restaurants are open on Monday so we're going to see Casablanca at the local art house cinema and then to a country house restaurant on Tuesday (although I have to be at work early that day as I'm starting running a new study. Syntactic priming, if you're interested. Bad timing), and Mr. Spouse has a not-very-surprising surprise dinner (I had to tell him who to invite) planned locally for the Saturday. Never let it be said I do things by halves.

PGS versus PGD

These two tend to get confused. PGS is supposed to check for aneuploidies but the latest evidence is that it does not decrease the rate of miscarriage. PGD is for a specific condition (in our case, possibly for balanced translocation) and there is some evidence that it does. I am sorely tempted to push for IVF whatever the outcome of our genetic tests but this little piece of research hopefully will help me keep my head.

Ovarian scan on Thursday. I know so little about this that I wasn't sure if it's vaginal, or not - Google wasn't my friend, so I rang the consultant's secretary, who nicely put me through to the US department, who told me it was "probably both" and I should turn up with a full bladder. Since the hour before will be spent getting there, by train and bus and a little walking, that's going to be fun.

Perhaps the brain is functioning again

Although I'm tired today (partly because of odd dreams), I am actually enjoying a less-than-trashy novel the last couple of days, and felt quite accomplished at work today when I understood what was going on with my complicated spreadsheet (don't leave things for three years, is today's lesson).

I was right, you know - always nice to be vindicated - about the friends who have been trying for just over a year. They finally got the GP to make an appointment (she's sent them away after 6 months - my friend is 37, I wish she'd told me, I would have sent her back to bully the GP). Chatting with her last night and my work friend who is now thinking of Guatemala instead of China (her husband is "too old") felt good. I shared with my friend today how I feel I either shock people ("is it actually possible to have that many miscarriages? weird or what?") or make them think we are mad ("surely they would have stopped trying by now") when I tell people, and how there are some people I probably won't tell, but she doesn't react either way. Both of them asked if we'd get NHS funding for any potential IVF but I strongly suspect it's not available for PGD even if it were available at my age*. And PGD doubles the cost.

Anyway - my dreams - first one, I dreamt I'd gone for my ovarian scan (next week) and had found out I was still pregnant. I woke up feeling happy, and realised it was a dream. Second one, I dreamt I'd gone for the scan and had found out I had an ectopic. I woke up terrified and it took me longer to come down from that. Then I dreamt I had gone back to the town I lived in in East Africa and had left loads of stuff there which they wanted me to sort out, including for some reason some old spectacles someone had given me to take out to give to people, which of course I hadn't been able to do, not having any optometry training (people do have the strangest ideas about what is useable in developing countries - or at least, what is easily distributable and the best ways to distribute it. Oxfam, folks. They know what they're doing). Don't think that one was pregnancy related.

*Just looked up on our NHS trust's website - they have a contract with a hospital to do their IVF, as there's none in the area, but it's one that doesn't do PGD.

Not funny

It is really far too soon for me, but my body has decided this cycle is in its second half and has presented me with all the post-ovulation symptoms – extremely sore boobs, especially when I take my bra off at night, some mild cramps and (sorry) a fair bit of discharge. It does seem as if these have started even earlier than they normally would in a cycle, with a few twinges returning about 10 days after I started bleeding, but I wonder if this is one reason why some people get that post-miscarriage fertility surge – they still have a bit of progesterone hanging around from the pregnancy. No fertility for me, though, as that would require having had that sex thing at the right time that really, if you’ve just miscarried, you don’t feel like.

I had another low day yesterday (unfortunately if I want to sing in the concert, I really do need to go to choir – but yesterday was my last 9am fully animated lecture) so that doesn’t help either. A new choir member turns out to live round the corner from us and have a baby who is the same age the first (first what? baby? pregnancy? dunno) would have been.

So, would anyone who is pregnant and doesn’t feel it like some of these symptoms? I’m happy to offload them.

Incidentally if you are in that group and I’m normally a commenter on your blog (this applies to at least a couple of people – Thalia, Inhospitable) then I am still reading, gingerly, and still cheering you on but not really able to comment at this time. For some reason I don’t seem to find it quite so hard to read baby blogs (though there’s one I’m thinking of deleting from my Bloglines as it’s pretty smug) or even later pregnancy blogs (though in person these people are also hard to cope with), but with someone who’s just ahead of me it’s harder. I guess later pregnancy and birth are just fantasies – late first trimester is somewhere I thought I had reached safely, but really never did.

I'm not dead yet

Another week, another plan. I at least survived this week, with only one major meltdown, which not surprisingly was after my Very Long Day (I'm an academic, bear with me on this one) which started with leaving the house at 8.15 (yes, I know, and Mr. Spouse catches the 7.14 every morning, I don't know I'm born) in order to find a parking space to give a 9.00 lecture (to about 300 students - you try being animated at that time in the morning - and if I'm boring they all snore) followed by a regular day's work and a 2 hour class of 10-ish (depending on how many turn up) from 3-5 (you actually have to be MORE animated in those but you can at least give them things to do while you drink your tea) followed by, some weeks, a couple more hours work, but this week by going home, stupidly doing another test (negative of course - tiredness is now officially not hormone-induced) and then heading back for choir practice till 9.30-ish, then getting home after having to give a friend a lift and therefore hold it together in the car, followed, as I say, by meltdown.

So, we say thankyou for Mr. Spouse, who says he feels guilty that he isn't as sad as me. I told him if he was pleased or relieved I'd thump him, but he is allowed not to feel as sad as me.

Tonight, to take our minds off the fact that we should be at our preparation course, we're having a night away at a "restaurant with rooms". We like that kind of thing.

This week, we are trying to work full time, do a bit more exercise (gentle running, cycling to work) and be more assiduous on the food diary, as well as read up on (and, harder, persuade Mr. Spouse to read up on) PGD. This from the couple that said "no IVF, thanks".

We heard this week from some friends who confessed they were seeking assistance to conceive, and I'm wondering (counting on my fingers) whether another couple we know should be going to the doctor's now, or whether to gently nudge them to do so (and if so, how - last time I talked to her, she was very complacent, and it's been a year since she told me they'd started trying - we're seeing them in a few weeks so perhaps there will be a Happy Announcement).

Gotta dash - should have packed half an hour ago!

The plan is...

• Today
• to rest - I was planning to go for a very short run, but energy levels are at zero, since I seem to need 10 hours sleep a night at the moment and only got 9 last night
• This week:
• to rest more, and to go back to work but only going in for the hours I absolutely have to.
• to do a little exercise (yoga, walking)
• to start keeping my food diary again, but only at a keeping-my-weight-the-same level.
• to knit, read trashy novels, and watch trashy TV (Stitch 'n' Bitch is what you want, perceval. If you want to make any of the projects go to a shop and ask them what you could use instead of the yarn in the book. You probably know continental knitting if you have ever learned)
• to order some stuff for the garden

• After that:
• Dunno.

I'm sure this says something about me, or something

I'm typing this while drinking a small sherry. Fino, of course, not sweet.

The hospital visit went OK. I was actually grateful they decided not to scan me - there didn't seem much point, the doctor said (yes, an actual doctor - OK, I saw a doctor last time for the research test but before that it was a nurse). And she really seemed to be taking seriously the fact that we have problems getting pregnant as well as staying pregnant. Previously the gynae at the local hospital seemed to only consider the fertility problems, and the nurse at the RPL clinic seemed to assume we’d get pregnant again quickly. But it was still really, really hard, and not helped by the fact that I didn’t sleep that well last night.

One big question we had was whether there was any way to increase the frequency of getting pregnant; if we have, as I’m assuming, approximately a 50% chance of keeping each pregnancy, which doesn’t really decrease if there’s no known reason for losing them, then two pregnancies in 18 months is desperate (that’s about our average) but two pregnancies in six months would be hard, but at least quicker. No, she said, short of IVF, not really. Clomid is only if you can’t ovulate at all. IUI I know has about a 10% success rate per cycle which is about what we’re on anyway. IVF, as I think I’ve already said, seems like an expensive way to get where we are anyway.

They don't do scans at 5 weeks, as you can't see anything one way or the other. They will see people and do blood tests, but since they couldn't decide to do an ERPC any earlier than I'd be likely to miscarry spontaneously, they can't really do any tissue analysis either. All the blood test would be is watching it happen, as she put it, not preventing it or finding out any extra information.

However she looked at all the results and wasn’t happy with the hormone tests – she asked if I’d had an ovarian scan, which I haven’t. She’s wondering about PCOS. I think she’s wondering in a “well, everything else has been investigated mega thoroughly, but these hormone tests weren’t done by me and there’s been no scan” rather than in a “look at this large hairy woman with 2 periods a year, my word” type way, since although I had mild blood sugar issues when I was 2 ½ stone heavier, I am, as you have worked out, now 2 ½ stone lighter (middle of “overweight” – 5ft 3 and size 12-14), have clockwork periods and am the waxing lady’s dream; she just does waxing Reiki, I think, with me. Though the latter has probably got a lot to do with my Celtic/Germanic/Nordic/splash-of-maybe-Native-American heritage.

So I have an ovarian scan* in 3 weeks’ time which should, based on the last miscarriage, be about the equivalent of CD 27. However, I sneakily did another test (which I promised Mr Spouse I wouldn't) when I got back from the hospital and the hormone levels are still not zero (though the digital bit confirmed what we already knew, the stick had a faint second line again). So it may be another two weeks from now before I ovulate again. But I believe cysts are there a lot of the time, perhaps someone else can help me out here.

She also asked (thank you! Finally!) whether anyone had done any genetic tests on Mr. Spouse. I have asked about this the last two visits, I said. He comes from a family with a lot of only children, I said. Oh, dear, she said. So they poked him about 50 times with a needle and finally got some blood out and after the geneticists have grown it very very slowly in their lab we (probably both of us again; obviously they are doing chromosome tests on me too) will be back in the clinic in early April. Which I guess is about the right length of time for us to get our heads back into decision-making gear, since they are very much not in that gear at the moment.

I am aware this all sounds very rational and together. I don’t feel rational or together but the facts are easier to report than the actual state of my head. I get the feeling work is worried I may go AWOL again on them at short notice; I’m not sure I want to tell anyone other than immediate friends what’s up so they may just have to carry on worrying. Bad luck, work. I did chat on the phone to S who has had the China adoption issues due to the age of her husband; they are thinking about Guatemala instead, and she made me cry by saying “you will have a child, you will be a mother some day, don’t give up hope.”

I’ve finished the sherry now and am just trying to work out if some Green and Black’s will make me feel sick, or cheer me up, and what to veg out in front of on the telly tonight while I try and finish Mr. Spouse’s cuddly, but subtly male charcoal coloured, jumper. One advantage of miscarriages – lots of time to knit.

*Yes, I've had a lap and dye which revealed no problems with my uterus, plus I've had a couple of regular scans - just no ovarian scan - apparently you can't see much of the ovaries, especially if you aren't really looking, during the lap and dye.

Sofa bound

30 hours of heavy bleeding and about 12 of lighter bleeding later, 5 episodes of Gilmore Girls and 4 of Judging Amy, I still feel tired (though heavy bleeding will do that to you), but there are no more cramps and the boobs are significantly less sore. I am slightly wondering if there is a little "tissue" left but I am pretty sure the hormone levels are back to zero.

I've told work I'll probably work from home on Thursday but be off till then. I feel like a bit of a fraud as physically I am not too bad - the bleeding was a bit less protracted this time - but there is no way I can stand up in front of a lecture theatre full of students without breaking down, especially if I do the planned class on prenatal brain development. This year's cohort are just going to have to remain ignorant on that count.

PS to Thalia: yes, I am under the care of the RPL clinic, but as they can't find anything wrong with me this care is repeated scans starting at 6 weeks - which is too late if you miscarry at 5+2. Don't know if this will change in any subsequent pregnancy, or if they have any other answers - we at least have a few questions - and the appointment on Friday is at the consultant's clinic, which means we'll see him, or one of his entourage, and get to ask those questions.

No change

Still bleeding, still red and clotty but also very mucous, still crampy. Basically very similar to the last one, apart from the mucus (I have now, I think, got the adjective and the noun right).

In answer to the comment that said I sound very calm - well, I suppose the panic has given way to the sadness already. I've alerted work, and just feel like I've bedded myself in for a few days of couch-dwelling, the old routine has kicked in. I have no idea where we go from here. I think it's too early to say. I don't know if we will feel up to the prep course - I thought we might, but now neither I nor Mr. Spouse are sure. I thought having another miscarriage would strengthen my resolve to adopt, but we were more optimistic about this one, and perhaps that's why I feel more cheated out of a biological child, or perhaps it's just the immediacy of it. Likewise I thought going through the hell again would make me think "give me contraceptives and give me them NOW" but I'm not sure of that either.

I do know that it makes me more convinced there is something actually wrong, not just bad luck, the pattern is too similar for each of them. And it also makes me less hopeful that they can do anything for us - if the only treatment is TLC and multiple scans, and we can't even make it to the hospital, and the only way to test for chromosomal abnormalities is to test the tissue in the lab, and we can't get that there either, then there's not much to be done.

You will forgive me for being a little despondent at this point, I know.

Prescient?

I woke at 6 a.m. to red blood and cramps. The blood, up to now (6 hours later) has continued but not been very heavy, mainly mucous-y and without clots (this confuses me, as if the mucous is from my cervix, then presumably my cervix is open, in which case why not more blood, and clots?), and the cramps, which intensified over a couple of hours to the point where I wished for ibuprofen (and took paracetemol) have also eased off, and although they did, it now just feels a little sore, and only a little like a period. So far neither the total blood nor the rate of flow are enough to be sure this is the end, so unless it gets heavier I'm in for a couple of days on the sofa counting total number of towels used, I suppose. If I was clever I could check my cervix but I'm not, and it's awkward to find anyway.

Will ring the hospital (but not the agency, I don't think) in the morning. Not sure if they'll want us to go in earlier or just wait till Friday. I don't think I'll be going into work for another couple of days. Fortunately I put a damage-limitation approach to work in operation for the first few weeks of term, as they are, as it turns out, the busiest of the year for me, so I've been refusing everything extraneous anyway.

Slight decrease in panic

Mr. Spouse talked me down somewhat (and I think also now understands more than he did, or wants to, about pee sticks). And having a lie down because I felt completely wiped helped, too, I think. As did (sorry) examining the colour, or lack thereof, of said pee. I'll do another test on Monday morning before ringing the agency, but I do feel a bit better and we did go out for the curry.

We do, however, need to ask to be moved to the next course. If I miscarry after the next few days, but before the course (which starts the 2nd), I will not feel up to it in time. If we went when I was still pregnant, but we did then go ahead with adoption a) I would feel bad not telling them and b) they would, not unnaturally, feel cautious about trusting us when they found out. Which they would. What with medicals. And it is pretty important for your social worker to trust you. And they run at least 3 courses a year, and we should be able to start the home study before the course if the course isn't for a while. And even if they said we could do it anyway, then two days of the course clash with potential 7 or 8 week scans. And the only reason I won't have one of those scans is if I spontaneously miscarry before then, and am feeling awful and lying on the sofa. After which I will want to feel sorry for myself for a while, and not bare my soul to a social worker.

So as you can see we need to postpone the course... But thank you so much for your comments - that is what is so nice about blogging.

Panic panic

For some reason - and I really cannot put my finger on it - I am feeling less pregnant. My breasts still hurt, I still want to pee a lot, I am still getting the occasional, non-painful cramp, and I am still tired. Perhaps I'm just a bit less tired or the cramps are a bit less frequent but I did have some fairly stewed tea this afternoon and the cramps had already been easing off for a few days.

So, stupidly, I came home this afternoon after 2 pots of tea and only 1 visit to the loo and did another digital test. Not pregnant. The stick itself still has a second line which is only slightly more faint than the one from last weekend but not surprisingly, I am panicking. If I am going to bleed, I want to do it before Monday as we said we'd call the agency and cancel the preparation course then if I was still pregnant.

We were going to go out for a curry with friends tonight and Mr. Spouse is trying to persuade me to go but I'm not sure; however I am doing as instructed and having a lie down (which I do need) and reading a book and seeing how I feel. Currently that alternates between resigned and panicky.

To answer a few questions...

No news, as they say... I'm now further along than no. 2 and the state of the boobage as well as my furnace- like nighttime temperature suggest the end, at least, is not about to come due to plummeting progesterone. I'm currently sitting on the bus on my way home to lie under the duvet - didn't sleep well last night, and one of the secretaries told me I was looking really unwell this morning.

When I had an empty sac on a 10 week ultrasound with no 1, they offered to whip it out straight away - which I guess is why I think the same could happen this time. If they saw no sac, probably they would, but I don't know - I'd rather take the bag and be prepared, I think.

Still not meaning to get at perceval, but although I do know the management of RPL is very different to regular, even post-infertility, pregnancy, I really don't want to think or talk about anything after 6 weeks right now. Even that feels presumptuous.

Hollow laugh...

Sorry, perceval, nothing personal but that was the sound of me responding to the idea that I'd be able to wait until 9 weeks for a scan. Fortunately the nice nurse and, I think, NHS guidelines for RPL (or at least the clinic's best practice) agree with me and I'm booked in for next Friday morning. Mr. Spouse can thankfully take the morning off to come in with me and I asked about bringing an overnight bag in case of surgery and she said, somewhat mysteriously, "we'll come to some arrangement". Since it's an hour and a half away, I think I'll take a bag just in case, as if they are sure it's ended at that point (it will be 6 weeks) I'd rather have an ERPC there than have it at the hospital here a few days later, where I wouldn't be sure they'd collect any tissue properly.

No other news, the nurse said to give her a call if I start bleeding, but still nothing, though knicker-watch of course continues unabated, and I am intermittently scared by cramps, though they are small. I actually feel a little nauseous already when I’m hungry, and tired (though that could be caffeine withdrawal – having had 2 cycles off I had overdosed a bit, especially over Christmas. Oops.) and I think that so far at least it’s not going to be immediately falling HcG levels that signal the end of this pregnancy. I will probably do a reassurance test at the weekend if I make it that far, though I don’t know if I could see if the lines were stronger than the Sunday night one as the lines on the actual stick were pretty dark.

AAAAAARRRGGHHH!

That was Mr. Spouse's response when I showed him the (digital, done in the evening, no doubt there whatsoever, definitely positive) test just now. He agreed that if it ends within a week, like last time, we will probably be OK to go to the adoption course, and I also suggested I might consider using contraception if we do that and are in the middle of the adoption approval process - as it will take about 6 months, and we do now have more confidence in the getting pregnant process. I am not sure this will be what happens, though, as I am fairly sure my hormone levels are higher than they were this time in the last one, in which I had a negative test and full-on bleeding at 5w. I will ring the nurse at the RPL clinic in the morning. I'm not sure if they'll do blood tests this week, or wait till next to do a scan.

We are feeling quite down however as the news from my friend who is going to be 40 four days before me, has 2 under-5s, and stomach cancer, is not good. What do you write in someone's card if you are not sure they'll even get to their birthday, let alone see another one?

Nothing to see...

No bleeding, just a little, not too scary, cramping, but I'm still only a day late. Haven't plucked up courage to tell Mr. Spouse. If I bleed before Monday I'm not sure if I will, or maybe tell him it was late and I thought the test was positive, and that I'm sad but not too sad, which I think I will be. If I don't but the Monday test is negative I think I'll tell him anyway, plus ring the hospital to see what they say. I am of course on full-on knicker watch but managed to sleep quite well last night.

This morning our information pack from Adoption UK arrived, with our first official (not cast-off, out of date) copy of Children Who Wait, arrived. It did make me feel positive about adopting - there were a few children in there I could see parenting, though they wouldn't be for us I don't think, as either they are too old (as in, I could see us parenting children like that who'd been with us for a while) or we wouldn't get chosen for them because of their ethnicity. I always particularly look for children who are half British and half some-East-African-origin, obviously, and there was one in here, but the social worker blurb asked for a family who could "reflect" rather than "reflect or promote" their ethnic origins. Which is fair enough, but some of the cases just show how unrealistic some placing social workers can be; either really complex ethnicities where they will be lucky to find even one family in the UK with that mix, or children who have fathers of different ethnicities and they think they'll find a mixed race family to adopt white children, or children who are mixed race but don't look it, and ditto. Obviously it is not good to pretend that mixed-race children are white, but people tend to assume children have the ethnicity that they appear to have.

I have been bad, but I will be confessing

I hope you think my badness is justified. I have had a sore shoulder for a few days now and, although I broke the shoulder about 10 years ago so it is occasionally sore, I had a nagging “ectopic” going round in the back of my mind as it wasn’t quite my regular pain. My period is probably due this evening, maybe tomorrow, so this morning I sneaked a Clearblue test and got a faint positive. Not light-of-a-thousand-suns faint, but fainter than the control line. I was actually thinking of heading straight for A&E but as I had to go to the GP anyway I looked pathetic at the nurse and she squeezed me in with a different GP to my regular one (who, er, said we should wait this month after a booster jab on CD2. I ask you – CD2?? With something that isn’t actually contraindicated in pregnancy?).

I’m trying really, really hard to steel myself for this being a chemical (and I will try my damndest to count it chemical if it’s less than about 4w4d). So please, no congratulations. I didn’t want to test this early, and I actually didn’t think I had any regular Clearblue left – I thought I’d stocked up on digital for that exact reason. If I have a late period and don’t know I’m pregnant, I needn’t tell Mr. Spouse I am (I’ll tell him it’s late, but I don’t need to tell him any symptoms). And if I only have digital tests in the house there’s no point in doing one early as they are pretty insensitive. Similarly if I just have a late period I don’t need to tell the adoption agency.

Anyway the plan is to panic a lot over the weekend, possibly presenting this episode to Mr. Spouse as another “trying to be positive” test (that’s what no. 2 was like and we were a little sad but coped fine when I bled at 4w5d) or possibly not telling him at all till Monday if I haven’t bled before then. Then (not sure I can look beyond 4w3d at this point, let alone to the adoption preparation course early next month) I’d have to ring the hospital and get booked in for a scan. If I haven’t bled before the scan, I think that would be the time to ring the agency. It’s a bit of an emotional risk, I think, rather than a medical one – could I cope with going to the preparation course if I’m only 2 weeks past a miscarriage? Judging by my last one, I’ll be really keen to move on, and I probably will be able to.

And the GP? Apparently I’d be in full-on cramping agony if I’d been having shoulder pain for a few days as my abdomen would be full of blood. So at least, so far, I can rule that out.