Limboville

I have stopped feeling very scared every moment of the day, although knicker-watch continues, I have not had to run out in the middle of anything in the last couple of days, and I actually slept well the last two nights. But I still feel low-level scared with bursts of petrified.

I can see that I've had a fair few visitors in the last couple of days but I think people may be holding off on commenting - partly because one person always seems to have good news as another has bad news. But I also know that, if someone else in my situation found themselves unexpectedly pregnant, I would feel jealous of their happiness. But I don't feel happy at the moment - just scared.

The acupuncturist did treat me, and explained what she wasn't doing because I was pregnant. She also told me to eat a better breakfast (yes, mum - although kedgeree was mentioned- bleugh) and not to drink coffee at all. A quick Google actually scared me into going to half caf this morning, as the strength I normally drink it, even one cup could be too much.

Now we have to decide what to do about the IVF and adoption open evenings we have booked for next month - the adoption one is a bit easier as they don't book up so we can just go to the next one, and they will see you for a chat at other times. But the IVF one is booked months in advance normally so it's harder to know what to do about that one. Of course, I could have miscarried before it, but it's unlikely I'll have had a scan.

Nothing really...

Another very faint positive. I would have thought it would be stronger today, and it was supposed to be a more sensitive test, but then it was a cheapo one I got off the internet for £1. Someone else I know on the web bought these and got about 10 negatives and then a positive with a digital test, if you can believe anything so ridiculous. If there are no further developments I might buy a better one at the end of the week...

But living in a small town leads to dilemmas here (hence buying them from the internet, or from Waterloo). I can't buy them from the chemist where I've promised to pick up Mr Spouse's prescription some day this week, it being right by my bus stop, as someone from choir works there. And obviously I can't buy them from the student shop at work as ANYONE might see me. Plus I think they have them behind the counter and you have to ask for them. Bet they don't sell many, what do you think?

I am a statistic

Apparently, according to that very reliable source The Internet, 30% of couples with unexplained infertility become pregnant within three months of a lap and dye. I think I’ve just landed in the 30%.

I’m really scared as I type these words that it will turn out to be a false alarm, chemical pregnancy, or whatever you want to call it. I thought my period was due on Thursday or Friday but last month’s bleed was weird and took ages to start, and I may have ovulated two weeks ago today (except I didn’t use the ovulation thingy according to the instructions, so who knows?) which would make it due today. But on Friday I got a “maybe evaporation line, maybe positive” and on Sunday a “faint but it’s really there and it appeared quickly, even if the outline isn’t that clear”, with some not very sensitive cheapo tests picked up at Boots at Waterloo when Mr. Spouse wasn’t looking (naughty Dr. Spouse). We've jut been to various far places on the train, which is why Waterloo.

So I suspect that it was actually due Friday or Saturday as I don’t think I’d get a positive with that test before it was due. I am, of course, on constant knicker-watch and will probably continue to be so for the next week or two. Who am I kidding? The next month or, hopefully, eight and a half. I have cramps (had them last time, but of course also just before periods) and weird pains in my groin (very like ones I get just before a period, but they’ve been going on for about five days, so I can only assume it’s stretching or something).

As I say, I’m really scared it will be a “chem”, but I think that even if I bled tonight I would push it to be recognised as my third miscarriage, even though this hasn’t made 5 weeks yet, and neither did the second. But if I don’t, I’ll try again with a more sensitive test in the morning, to see if I can get a stronger line.

I am currently trying really hard not to hope for the best, but definitely fearing the worst. I think the worst would probably be finding out the pregnancy was not viable after weeks and weeks. No, actually, the worst would probably be an ectopic, but never having had one before I am at least realistic in working out my chances of that are very low (about 1% I believe). Losing a pregnancy, and being worse off reproductively than before it, would be awful. I think losing the pregnancy late would then be a greater fear than losing it early; but not too early, as otherwise it won’t get taken seriously in treatment. I can’t possibly think ahead to anything else, except maybe seeing my GP maybe next week if maybe possibly just maybe I get that far. OK, I’m lying. I have thought about wangling, or paying for, an early ultrasound in a couple of weeks’ time. How can I be so confident it will even last beyond tomorrow??! How can I get some sleep??

Ironically, I had just booked an acupuncture appointment which is supposed to be tomorrow. I’m not sure whether to cancel, in which case I’d probably have to pay anyway, or go along and have a chat and pay, booking one for a couple of weeks’ time when apparently it’s safe (or we will be trying again, anyway).

Although I hardly ever do this, I am also doing a lot of very, very focussed praying…

Men and miscarriage

I was reminded by yesterday's post to put up a link to a very helpful page written by the Miscarriage Association:

Men and Miscarriage

Deja vu, part 2

I got an email from a friend yesterday:

I have just been told that the pregnancy we had is going to end (at around 11 weeks).

We went for an ultrasound, but though the sac was clearly visible, there was no sign of a baby. So I guess in a way, the pregnancy has already ended. I haven't had any bleeding or any pain, yet. The obstetrician was jolly nice and said we could choose whether to have expectant management - just waiting - medical management - medicine to make you have a miscarriage - or a D and C under anaesthetic.

More or less exactly what happened with us. But I actually felt OK about it - I forwarded it to Mr Spouse and he said he was having flashbacks and remembering how sad he was. I think I just felt happy to be able to help, and also I suppose happy that it wasn't happening to me just now.

He reminded me also to ask about my friend's husband and how he was doing; so many people rang him after our miscarriage and asked "How is she?", forgetting it was his baby too.

The Family Man

Last night we watched the second episode of this new drama. I actually think it's quite good, in some ways - it seems thoroughly researched, and some of the scenarios are realistic. For example, of the four couples presented, one has secondary infertility, which is not the classic infertility situation presented in the media, two are using donor eggs, and the procedures are gone through in a fair amount of detail, as well as discussion of egg sharing, PGS, IUI, and other things that don't make it into the media so much.

But being a drama, we've got to have something dramatic. This week's episode closed with the clinic, and the home of a couple trying to get approval for sex selection to replace their son that died, being bombed. And of course every couple who finds a private egg donor a) does so illegally and b) the father of the ensuing child proceeds to have an affair with the egg donor and c) the egg donor has a dodgy relationship with her mother because d) the mother is not telling her that she has always regretted giving up a baby at 16 for adoption and e) the child she gave up is now going for IVF at the same clinic (she's the one with secondary infertility).

Confused? Well, Mr Spouse was! In fact, since the third couple in the series just had triplets using eggs from the adopted daughter, the only people who don't seem to be related to each other in the series are 1) the IVF specialist (who also has marital problems, did I mention that? and whose daughter confessed to taking the morning after pill. Perhaps she slept with the partner of the adopted daughter?) and 2) the family who want another boy, and since they are black, it is fairly obvious they aren't going to be doing any egg sharing with the other couples, who are all white (mind you, one of them could still sleep with one of the other characters).

It's Pregnancy As Dramatic Device writ extremely large. About 60 point, I'd say.

In less weird and overly religious news...

I have booked an acupuncture treatment; the first date she had available that I could do is not for a few weeks time, in fact about four days after my next period is due and two days after we get back from our Easter holiday in Rome. We are going on the train.

Yes, we live in the North of England. Yes, we are mad.

Sixteen fits and conniptions...

I have no idea how to spell that, but that is what my grandmother would be having if she were still alive and could read this post.

My grandmother's mother was brought up Catholic and was disowned by her family when she married a Protestant. She spent the rest of her life indignantly anti-Catholic, as did my grandmother. My parents never go to church, and they are rather shocked that I do. Until we moved to where we live now, both Mr Spouse and I went to fairly strongly Protestant churches, his even more than mine. We now go to an Anglican church (Episcopalian for those north of the border/over the pond) that is strong on ceremony and saints.

I managed fairly successfully to avoid too much on Mothering Sunday in the way of slush, but the previous day had been the Annunciation (25th March being 9 calendar months before 25th December, and the church being run in former years by men who never had children), and a little was said about Mary. Thinking about it later, I was reminded of something I heard on the radio last year on the same date, which I think was Good Friday, about Mary and how women who have lost children, before or after birth, can feel a special devotion to her; they specifically mentioned miscarriage, and this was only a few weeks after mine.

I am not particularly into the idea that if you pray for something you will get it. I try to see prayer more as a communication, including possibly explanation to me of what I should be doing, why things aren’t happening the way I want, and also sympathy – a been there, had that happen to me type sympathy.

Which is how this good little Protestant girl then found herself at choir last night rehearsing a French hymn to the Virgin, and finding that the words had a huge emotional impact.

A little local boycott

Mr Spouse and I are boycotting Mothering Sunday, which is tomorrow. We don't mind doing something for our mothers (I hope he's remembered to send a card to his, because I forgot to send mine one before she went to see my brother who doesn't live in this country, and will have to telephone...)

But we are not going to church; it is always sickly - most churches seem to come up with something designed to make anyone with mother issues feel awful. Usually the children give their own mothers first, and then all adult females, a flower - which was nice when I was 18 and first acknowledged to be an adult, but now just makes me remember that I'm not a mother. Then, usually someone preaches about our parents and how nice they were to us. This is not so bad for me but people who have really poor relationships with their mothers, or who have lost their mothers, must also feel awful.

It's hard to escape in the secular world too - we've also been prevented from going to lunch with a friend who lives far enough away that we need to book lunch in a pub halfway, but all the pubs were full two weeks ago. She has a daughter but was blissfully unaware what day it was (good for her, I say). I'm quite glad about that, too, as it wouldn't be much fun sitting there watching loads of children doting on their mothers.

In other news - they weren't joking when they said the first period after the lap could be heavier

Now that's what I call wishful thinking...

I was warned that I could have my period late after the lap, but was a bit surprised to have a little spotting yesterday afternoon, about three days early. Dr Google however was informative and told me it could also be early. Normally spotting in late afternoon would lead to full flow by the evening, but nothing doing even by this morning. Again, although I've never had prolonged spotting or a 25 or 26 day cycle before, I've never had a lap before.

But of course I had to test this morning. Cheapo £1 a time dip-sticks (or I'd be broke long before now) - but I realised, on trying to do my "is that a line or dirt or a shadow or a bump in the paper?" thing, I realise I have absolutely NO idea where the second line is supposed to appear.

The eye of faith works much better when it knows where to look...

At least we're agreed on something

Mr Spouse and I watched "Britain's Oldest Mums and Dads", or some other such rubbish, last week, and on hearing about a couple of women's decisions to use donor eggs, we turned to each other and said "I don't think that's for us". My feeling is that if I am going to have children who are not genetically related to me, I would rather adopt them than have donor eggs or embryos.

I have no idea if I'd feel the same if we had male factor infertility. But it appears we don't - so it is only my (presumably) ageing eggs that are the issue. I cling to the belief that it is FSH that matters, and the knowledge that my mother (before the HRT at the age of about 48, I think) had a late menopause. But I could be wrong.

I'm not sure why this is. I like to think that it's because I really want to have children who are like me in personality, interests, and preferences, not looks - and you can't choose egg donors by whether they learn languages extremely rapidly, love playing music and doing crafts but aren't very good at either, or are useless at tidying up. Actually, I'd rather have an egg donor who was good at tidying up. I also like to think that it's because I hope that if I can't get pregnant with a combination of his-and-hers gametes, we can give something to a child who otherwise would not have a family.

However I have a feeling it's actually because I have bought into my family myth of genetic perfection - we are the cleverest family on the planet, and intelligence is the only thing that matters in life, and there is no way a child not genetically related to us is going to be halfway as brilliant as us. We are taking a risk by diluting the gene pool with anyone outside the family. It would be an unmitigated disaster to bring a child into the family who had a learning disability, and only slightly better a child who wasn't related to us.

But it's probably OK if it's a girl. My grandfather was once bemoaning the fact that my brother had given up maths, and wasn't going to follow in his footsteps as a maths professor. I pointed out that I, too, had disliked maths despite getting good marks, and was quite happy in another science, as is my brother. "Oh, that's different". Why, Grandpa? Because I'm female?

Forgot to say: we were away at the weekend and visited D, the minister who did our wedding. We seem to be having annual MOTs with him - he says he takes the marriage seriously too, and was pretty gruelling in our pre-wedding counselling, and was very good when we saw him after the miscarriage, just over a year ago. He said one thing that really hit the nail on the head: "this whole thing must take up a lot of headspace".

Bits and bo(o)bs

Can't really think of enough to say on any one day to make a whole post... I have tried saving them up but of course now I have forgotten some of them.

I have found it a little hard being back at work because I am still quite tired, but this is normal with me, so I have just been leaving work early to go and sit on the sofa with a cup of tea, and trying to scoot out while no-one is looking (having an appointment with the back of your eyelids is not normally seen as a very good excuse for leaving a staff meeting).

I've also had very, very sore breasts, starting from approximately ovulation day, and this is both much earlier than I've had this generally in the past, and the second time it's happened in a row. The only things I can think of are that a) we have known these last two months were going to be a washout, timing wise, so that b) I've been drinking a little more alcohol and a lot more coffee and c) I haven't been taking my folic acid.

I started taking it again a few days ago, and I've decided from today to limit myself to 1 cup of coffee a day. No idea if it will work... but it might be better for me...

This makes me think, at what point would I give up on the healthy living and accept that I am not going to get pregnant? How many years can I take folic acid for? I have been quite good losing weight so I think healthy eating, not too much drinking, and reasonable amounts of exercise are here to stay in the medium term, anyway, but that white pill every monrning is just a reminder of what is not happening. And there is no decent decaf coffee available anywhere at work, unless I make it myself.

"Discomfort"

This is what they always tell you you'll feel after an illness or procedure when what they actually mean is PAIN. However after my lap and dye they told me "you might feel some discomfort and/or pain" and they were right - my scar is painful, my shoulders are painful, but my abdomen has basically just been bloated.

It all went fine, although I was the last of the four women in my ward to go home, by hours, but I felt unbelievably groggy - I have only started to feel a little awake this afternoon. I saw the gynae both before and after the surgery, and remembered to ask some other questions beforehand (the clotting results she was waiting to speak to the haematologist about were fine). She found my tubes were open and fine, and there was one tiny spot of endo behind my uterus, but that is not somewhere it could be affecting my fertility, apparently. I'm hoping it is, however, somewhere that could have been causing a little pain, as that was definitely an issue. I do know that the amount of pain doesn't necessarily correspond to the extent of the endo. But neither my tubes nor my ovaries were involved which is GOOD.

Now for the rest of the week watching cheesy TV and reading women's magazines. No answers, but nothing that is hard to fix, or necessarily means I could never conceive naturally, either.

Not entirely sure why I'm doing this right now but...

I've been investigating open evenings with adoption agencies and fertility centres.

The fertility centre (private, but no further away than the closest NHS centre) has an open evening with spaces available in May - not too scarily close.

Our local SW team (for our part of the county) said "ooh, well, we don't really do open evenings, we don't feel the need, most of our work is placing children, people who want to adopt come along as they see fit". Hmm. I have read a number of people on Adoption UK saying that LAs tend to focus on the children they have to place, and put adopters second, and this seems to confirm it, but at least she is sending me an information pack.

I also emailed a private agency (Catholic) about 20 miles away, and they replied almost immediately to tell me about an open evening really soon (in fact, too soon, as Mr Spouse is away for work that day). So I'm going to either find out about another open evening with the Catholic agency, or the local agency said they might have them at County level.

Mr Spouse did suggest me going to the agency's open evening on my own, but I think I already know more than him from internet reading so it seems a bit counterproductive to do that - the idea is to let him find out more as well. He seems quite happy with this step - as he says, it is good to get information, it is knowing what to do with it that is hard - even though he is agnostic as a whole about how, or even whether, to pursue parenthood further if either we get bad news on Monday, or we get no news but still continue to have no luck.

It is hard for him - I said (slightly unfairly, I think) that perhaps he would prefer if I gave up the whole idea, but he says that whatever his feelings, he wants me to have what makes me happy. I know that it is not that he will be unhappy if we have children - he will be happy either way.

Worth waiting for...

Mr Spouse's swimmy things are swimming in the right direction, at the right speed, and there are plenty of them, and they are all beautiful.

And all my hormones are lovely too. I'm going to ask about the clotting factor-that-is-too-high

Just need to find out if I'm all OK inside... wimpishly I'm busy sending round mass emails asking for prayer support for my op... and reading about other people's lap & dye's and cowering. But I am also getting in the novels, knitting, and DVDs.

I am also trying to reassure myself that, even if they find no endo, the procedure seems to clear some people out in some odd, unexplained way.

Not much happening...

except that I have had a birthday, and am having a cold, as well as my period - but for once I'm not at all surprised or disappointed since it would have taken a miracle for anything else, this month, with enforced abstinence following treatment for chlamydia.

Which, by the way, I'm not sure I had. The clinic were only supposed to call us if the tests were positive, and they haven't. But being me, I can't find my letter with my patient number which I need to call myself.

Anyway, onwards and upwards, and on to my lap & dye in just over a week's time. I am nervous, but I don't think I'm as nervous as Mr Spouse. He's very sweet...

A guilty secret

I have got some clothes in the cupboards "in case I get pregnant". I have two pairs of trousers that were very expensive, which I bought in the summer sales with a jacket, wore for an interview in the autumn, kept for "best", and then lost so much weight I can't wear them again (the jacket went to charity a long time ago). Mainly I lost weight round my waist (7") and I think the last time I looked at them I was still assuming I'd get pregnant pretty quickly.

I also have two or three support vests/soft bras that I bought for wearing in bed. I am an F cup and got uncomfortable very fast. In fact, I am sometimes that uncomfortable in the last week of my cycle, but I just cannot bring myself to wear them while not pregnant. It was never worth buying them before I got pregnant because it doesn't happen every month and it's only a few days.

In other news - I told Mr Spouse about the boy sperm comment and his reply was "nah, they're all down the pub busy telling each other 'you don't want to go that way, it'll take you hours longer, take the A35 and that way you won't get caught up in the temporary traffic lights in Cleckhuddersfax, my mate tried that the other day, the trick is to turn off down the road just before B&Q, it looks like a cul-de-sac but in fact you can get out on to the dual carriageway'."

So there we have it. The real reason for male pattern infertility.

Anniversary...

I was typing that word earlier in a post on a board I read and thought "but they are supposed to be happy days". A year ago today I dashed to A&E with bleeding and we were reassured that all was OK, and went home hopeful - this was on the Tuesday, but for some reason today I'm thinking about the next day, when we saw the sac was empty on the scan.

Although I'm sad, I think the fact that I'm not fixated on the actual date means I'm not going to keep thinking about this in future years.

In other news: although I haven't got an actual letter through the post (rolling eyes sound effects) the gynae's secretary told me all my clotting tests were normal, apart from one which was "on the high end of normal". Having done a quick Google, I think this one is supposed to be high - but she will be contacting the haematologist so we will find out if that's the case, and also if it's linked to my migraines.

But for some reason the day 2 and day 21 tests weren't back yet - either that or the secretary couldn't find where she'd written about them - however, she said the gynae would call me. Not sure if I believe that!

Mr Spouse's turn to do something uncomfortable today - yes, you guessed it - the dreaded sample. We had one of those typical married arguments about which way to the pathology drop-off, and whether the directions we were given were wrong. My predicted result: "There are plenty of sperm and they can all swim but they are swimming round in circles, unwilling to ask for directions".

What we're letting ourselves in for (hopefully)

(You may need to watch an ad to see that for free).

I've been hanging out on a few adoption message boards recently, including the one at Adoption UK. I have to say, it doesn't present an unremittingly positive view of adoption, or adoptive children. One thing that strikes me is that parents of adoptive children have many problems with their children (obviously) and that there seems to be a tendency to put all of these down to either the fact of adoption (disrupted care, attachment problems) or to the abuse or neglect that most of their children have suffered. While obviously this is to some extent true, it's not very encouraging, and given that one can only change the present, not the past, makes the whole enterprise seem rather hopeless. I have even read from parents of non-abused adopted children (e.g. overseas children who were clearly abandoned, but had very little disruption in care and no abuse that they could possibly remember), of problems which have been put down purely to the fact of adoption, and not to other factors such as the child's personality or temperament, which can easily clash with that of a parent, or natural childhood "stages" which all children go through.

I have to say it made me feel strangely reassured to read a book I just bought by Anne Lamott - Plan B - in which she describes her son - not adopted - who displays so many of the characteristics of the adopted children people are describing. She has published some of these columns at Salon.com (see link above). He is a typical teen - but he has always had some problems, not entirely explicable by his father not being around. He is delightful and charming with other adults, and a complete pill (as my grandmother used to say) with his own mother. He is also, I would imagine, not quite the child his mother could have wished for. She is a writer, read complicated books as a child and loves to have educated discussions. He had problems learning to read, prefers to work with his hands, and could not be described as academic.

You don't always get the child you order - however you get them. Here's just hoping we get one, somehow.

I'm sure it's for the best really...

but it looks like it's two months "off" for us. I went to see the nurse yesterday but Mr Spouse can't make it till next week, and it's no sex (even with a condom!) till a week after the second of us is treated. Which takes us to about CD 17. And then apparently we're supposed to use contraception for the first month after the lap and dye.

I'm not exactly feeling happy about this - I suppose "resigned" is the word. Everything else is pretty tiring just now, and the whole finding-out-you-have-an-STD is pretty shocking too. But I have a few weeks which should be a bit more relaxing ahead, and my birthday (nice to have a celebration, rubbish to be 39!), so I think I was looking forward to a bit of R&R*.

*Recreation and Reproduction