I have booked an acupuncture treatment; the first date she had available that I could do is not for a few weeks time, in fact about four days after my next period is due and two days after we get back from our Easter holiday in Rome. We are going on the train.
Yes, we live in the North of England. Yes, we are mad.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Sixteen fits and conniptions...
I have no idea how to spell that, but that is what my grandmother would be having if she were still alive and could read this post.
My grandmother's mother was brought up Catholic and was disowned by her family when she married a Protestant. She spent the rest of her life indignantly anti-Catholic, as did my grandmother. My parents never go to church, and they are rather shocked that I do. Until we moved to where we live now, both Mr Spouse and I went to fairly strongly Protestant churches, his even more than mine. We now go to an Anglican church (Episcopalian for those north of the border/over the pond) that is strong on ceremony and saints.
I managed fairly successfully to avoid too much on Mothering Sunday in the way of slush, but the previous day had been the Annunciation (25th March being 9 calendar months before 25th December, and the church being run in former years by men who never had children), and a little was said about Mary. Thinking about it later, I was reminded of something I heard on the radio last year on the same date, which I think was Good Friday, about Mary and how women who have lost children, before or after birth, can feel a special devotion to her; they specifically mentioned miscarriage, and this was only a few weeks after mine.
I am not particularly into the idea that if you pray for something you will get it. I try to see prayer more as a communication, including possibly explanation to me of what I should be doing, why things aren’t happening the way I want, and also sympathy – a been there, had that happen to me type sympathy.
Which is how this good little Protestant girl then found herself at choir last night rehearsing a French hymn to the Virgin, and finding that the words had a huge emotional impact.
My grandmother's mother was brought up Catholic and was disowned by her family when she married a Protestant. She spent the rest of her life indignantly anti-Catholic, as did my grandmother. My parents never go to church, and they are rather shocked that I do. Until we moved to where we live now, both Mr Spouse and I went to fairly strongly Protestant churches, his even more than mine. We now go to an Anglican church (Episcopalian for those north of the border/over the pond) that is strong on ceremony and saints.
I managed fairly successfully to avoid too much on Mothering Sunday in the way of slush, but the previous day had been the Annunciation (25th March being 9 calendar months before 25th December, and the church being run in former years by men who never had children), and a little was said about Mary. Thinking about it later, I was reminded of something I heard on the radio last year on the same date, which I think was Good Friday, about Mary and how women who have lost children, before or after birth, can feel a special devotion to her; they specifically mentioned miscarriage, and this was only a few weeks after mine.
I am not particularly into the idea that if you pray for something you will get it. I try to see prayer more as a communication, including possibly explanation to me of what I should be doing, why things aren’t happening the way I want, and also sympathy – a been there, had that happen to me type sympathy.
Which is how this good little Protestant girl then found herself at choir last night rehearsing a French hymn to the Virgin, and finding that the words had a huge emotional impact.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
A little local boycott
Mr Spouse and I are boycotting Mothering Sunday, which is tomorrow. We don't mind doing something for our mothers (I hope he's remembered to send a card to his, because I forgot to send mine one before she went to see my brother who doesn't live in this country, and will have to telephone...)
But we are not going to church; it is always sickly - most churches seem to come up with something designed to make anyone with mother issues feel awful. Usually the children give their own mothers first, and then all adult females, a flower - which was nice when I was 18 and first acknowledged to be an adult, but now just makes me remember that I'm not a mother. Then, usually someone preaches about our parents and how nice they were to us. This is not so bad for me but people who have really poor relationships with their mothers, or who have lost their mothers, must also feel awful.
It's hard to escape in the secular world too - we've also been prevented from going to lunch with a friend who lives far enough away that we need to book lunch in a pub halfway, but all the pubs were full two weeks ago. She has a daughter but was blissfully unaware what day it was (good for her, I say). I'm quite glad about that, too, as it wouldn't be much fun sitting there watching loads of children doting on their mothers.
In other news - they weren't joking when they said the first period after the lap could be heavier
But we are not going to church; it is always sickly - most churches seem to come up with something designed to make anyone with mother issues feel awful. Usually the children give their own mothers first, and then all adult females, a flower - which was nice when I was 18 and first acknowledged to be an adult, but now just makes me remember that I'm not a mother. Then, usually someone preaches about our parents and how nice they were to us. This is not so bad for me but people who have really poor relationships with their mothers, or who have lost their mothers, must also feel awful.
It's hard to escape in the secular world too - we've also been prevented from going to lunch with a friend who lives far enough away that we need to book lunch in a pub halfway, but all the pubs were full two weeks ago. She has a daughter but was blissfully unaware what day it was (good for her, I say). I'm quite glad about that, too, as it wouldn't be much fun sitting there watching loads of children doting on their mothers.
In other news - they weren't joking when they said the first period after the lap could be heavier
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Now that's what I call wishful thinking...
I was warned that I could have my period late after the lap, but was a bit surprised to have a little spotting yesterday afternoon, about three days early. Dr Google however was informative and told me it could also be early. Normally spotting in late afternoon would lead to full flow by the evening, but nothing doing even by this morning. Again, although I've never had prolonged spotting or a 25 or 26 day cycle before, I've never had a lap before.
But of course I had to test this morning. Cheapo £1 a time dip-sticks (or I'd be broke long before now) - but I realised, on trying to do my "is that a line or dirt or a shadow or a bump in the paper?" thing, I realise I have absolutely NO idea where the second line is supposed to appear.
The eye of faith works much better when it knows where to look...
But of course I had to test this morning. Cheapo £1 a time dip-sticks (or I'd be broke long before now) - but I realised, on trying to do my "is that a line or dirt or a shadow or a bump in the paper?" thing, I realise I have absolutely NO idea where the second line is supposed to appear.
The eye of faith works much better when it knows where to look...
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
At least we're agreed on something
Mr Spouse and I watched "Britain's Oldest Mums and Dads", or some other such rubbish, last week, and on hearing about a couple of women's decisions to use donor eggs, we turned to each other and said "I don't think that's for us". My feeling is that if I am going to have children who are not genetically related to me, I would rather adopt them than have donor eggs or embryos.
I have no idea if I'd feel the same if we had male factor infertility. But it appears we don't - so it is only my (presumably) ageing eggs that are the issue. I cling to the belief that it is FSH that matters, and the knowledge that my mother (before the HRT at the age of about 48, I think) had a late menopause. But I could be wrong.
I'm not sure why this is. I like to think that it's because I really want to have children who are like me in personality, interests, and preferences, not looks - and you can't choose egg donors by whether they learn languages extremely rapidly, love playing music and doing crafts but aren't very good at either, or are useless at tidying up. Actually, I'd rather have an egg donor who was good at tidying up. I also like to think that it's because I hope that if I can't get pregnant with a combination of his-and-hers gametes, we can give something to a child who otherwise would not have a family.
However I have a feeling it's actually because I have bought into my family myth of genetic perfection - we are the cleverest family on the planet, and intelligence is the only thing that matters in life, and there is no way a child not genetically related to us is going to be halfway as brilliant as us. We are taking a risk by diluting the gene pool with anyone outside the family. It would be an unmitigated disaster to bring a child into the family who had a learning disability, and only slightly better a child who wasn't related to us.
But it's probably OK if it's a girl. My grandfather was once bemoaning the fact that my brother had given up maths, and wasn't going to follow in his footsteps as a maths professor. I pointed out that I, too, had disliked maths despite getting good marks, and was quite happy in another science, as is my brother. "Oh, that's different". Why, Grandpa? Because I'm female?
Forgot to say: we were away at the weekend and visited D, the minister who did our wedding. We seem to be having annual MOTs with him - he says he takes the marriage seriously too, and was pretty gruelling in our pre-wedding counselling, and was very good when we saw him after the miscarriage, just over a year ago. He said one thing that really hit the nail on the head: "this whole thing must take up a lot of headspace".
I have no idea if I'd feel the same if we had male factor infertility. But it appears we don't - so it is only my (presumably) ageing eggs that are the issue. I cling to the belief that it is FSH that matters, and the knowledge that my mother (before the HRT at the age of about 48, I think) had a late menopause. But I could be wrong.
I'm not sure why this is. I like to think that it's because I really want to have children who are like me in personality, interests, and preferences, not looks - and you can't choose egg donors by whether they learn languages extremely rapidly, love playing music and doing crafts but aren't very good at either, or are useless at tidying up. Actually, I'd rather have an egg donor who was good at tidying up. I also like to think that it's because I hope that if I can't get pregnant with a combination of his-and-hers gametes, we can give something to a child who otherwise would not have a family.
However I have a feeling it's actually because I have bought into my family myth of genetic perfection - we are the cleverest family on the planet, and intelligence is the only thing that matters in life, and there is no way a child not genetically related to us is going to be halfway as brilliant as us. We are taking a risk by diluting the gene pool with anyone outside the family. It would be an unmitigated disaster to bring a child into the family who had a learning disability, and only slightly better a child who wasn't related to us.
But it's probably OK if it's a girl. My grandfather was once bemoaning the fact that my brother had given up maths, and wasn't going to follow in his footsteps as a maths professor. I pointed out that I, too, had disliked maths despite getting good marks, and was quite happy in another science, as is my brother. "Oh, that's different". Why, Grandpa? Because I'm female?
Forgot to say: we were away at the weekend and visited D, the minister who did our wedding. We seem to be having annual MOTs with him - he says he takes the marriage seriously too, and was pretty gruelling in our pre-wedding counselling, and was very good when we saw him after the miscarriage, just over a year ago. He said one thing that really hit the nail on the head: "this whole thing must take up a lot of headspace".
Friday, March 17, 2006
Bits and bo(o)bs
Can't really think of enough to say on any one day to make a whole post... I have tried saving them up but of course now I have forgotten some of them.
I have found it a little hard being back at work because I am still quite tired, but this is normal with me, so I have just been leaving work early to go and sit on the sofa with a cup of tea, and trying to scoot out while no-one is looking (having an appointment with the back of your eyelids is not normally seen as a very good excuse for leaving a staff meeting).
I've also had very, very sore breasts, starting from approximately ovulation day, and this is both much earlier than I've had this generally in the past, and the second time it's happened in a row. The only things I can think of are that a) we have known these last two months were going to be a washout, timing wise, so that b) I've been drinking a little more alcohol and a lot more coffee and c) I haven't been taking my folic acid.
I started taking it again a few days ago, and I've decided from today to limit myself to 1 cup of coffee a day. No idea if it will work... but it might be better for me...
This makes me think, at what point would I give up on the healthy living and accept that I am not going to get pregnant? How many years can I take folic acid for? I have been quite good losing weight so I think healthy eating, not too much drinking, and reasonable amounts of exercise are here to stay in the medium term, anyway, but that white pill every monrning is just a reminder of what is not happening. And there is no decent decaf coffee available anywhere at work, unless I make it myself.
I have found it a little hard being back at work because I am still quite tired, but this is normal with me, so I have just been leaving work early to go and sit on the sofa with a cup of tea, and trying to scoot out while no-one is looking (having an appointment with the back of your eyelids is not normally seen as a very good excuse for leaving a staff meeting).
I've also had very, very sore breasts, starting from approximately ovulation day, and this is both much earlier than I've had this generally in the past, and the second time it's happened in a row. The only things I can think of are that a) we have known these last two months were going to be a washout, timing wise, so that b) I've been drinking a little more alcohol and a lot more coffee and c) I haven't been taking my folic acid.
I started taking it again a few days ago, and I've decided from today to limit myself to 1 cup of coffee a day. No idea if it will work... but it might be better for me...
This makes me think, at what point would I give up on the healthy living and accept that I am not going to get pregnant? How many years can I take folic acid for? I have been quite good losing weight so I think healthy eating, not too much drinking, and reasonable amounts of exercise are here to stay in the medium term, anyway, but that white pill every monrning is just a reminder of what is not happening. And there is no decent decaf coffee available anywhere at work, unless I make it myself.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
"Discomfort"
This is what they always tell you you'll feel after an illness or procedure when what they actually mean is PAIN. However after my lap and dye they told me "you might feel some discomfort and/or pain" and they were right - my scar is painful, my shoulders are painful, but my abdomen has basically just been bloated.
It all went fine, although I was the last of the four women in my ward to go home, by hours, but I felt unbelievably groggy - I have only started to feel a little awake this afternoon. I saw the gynae both before and after the surgery, and remembered to ask some other questions beforehand (the clotting results she was waiting to speak to the haematologist about were fine). She found my tubes were open and fine, and there was one tiny spot of endo behind my uterus, but that is not somewhere it could be affecting my fertility, apparently. I'm hoping it is, however, somewhere that could have been causing a little pain, as that was definitely an issue. I do know that the amount of pain doesn't necessarily correspond to the extent of the endo. But neither my tubes nor my ovaries were involved which is GOOD.
Now for the rest of the week watching cheesy TV and reading women's magazines. No answers, but nothing that is hard to fix, or necessarily means I could never conceive naturally, either.
It all went fine, although I was the last of the four women in my ward to go home, by hours, but I felt unbelievably groggy - I have only started to feel a little awake this afternoon. I saw the gynae both before and after the surgery, and remembered to ask some other questions beforehand (the clotting results she was waiting to speak to the haematologist about were fine). She found my tubes were open and fine, and there was one tiny spot of endo behind my uterus, but that is not somewhere it could be affecting my fertility, apparently. I'm hoping it is, however, somewhere that could have been causing a little pain, as that was definitely an issue. I do know that the amount of pain doesn't necessarily correspond to the extent of the endo. But neither my tubes nor my ovaries were involved which is GOOD.
Now for the rest of the week watching cheesy TV and reading women's magazines. No answers, but nothing that is hard to fix, or necessarily means I could never conceive naturally, either.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Not entirely sure why I'm doing this right now but...
I've been investigating open evenings with adoption agencies and fertility centres.
The fertility centre (private, but no further away than the closest NHS centre) has an open evening with spaces available in May - not too scarily close.
Our local SW team (for our part of the county) said "ooh, well, we don't really do open evenings, we don't feel the need, most of our work is placing children, people who want to adopt come along as they see fit". Hmm. I have read a number of people on Adoption UK saying that LAs tend to focus on the children they have to place, and put adopters second, and this seems to confirm it, but at least she is sending me an information pack.
I also emailed a private agency (Catholic) about 20 miles away, and they replied almost immediately to tell me about an open evening really soon (in fact, too soon, as Mr Spouse is away for work that day). So I'm going to either find out about another open evening with the Catholic agency, or the local agency said they might have them at County level.
Mr Spouse did suggest me going to the agency's open evening on my own, but I think I already know more than him from internet reading so it seems a bit counterproductive to do that - the idea is to let him find out more as well. He seems quite happy with this step - as he says, it is good to get information, it is knowing what to do with it that is hard - even though he is agnostic as a whole about how, or even whether, to pursue parenthood further if either we get bad news on Monday, or we get no news but still continue to have no luck.
It is hard for him - I said (slightly unfairly, I think) that perhaps he would prefer if I gave up the whole idea, but he says that whatever his feelings, he wants me to have what makes me happy. I know that it is not that he will be unhappy if we have children - he will be happy either way.
The fertility centre (private, but no further away than the closest NHS centre) has an open evening with spaces available in May - not too scarily close.
Our local SW team (for our part of the county) said "ooh, well, we don't really do open evenings, we don't feel the need, most of our work is placing children, people who want to adopt come along as they see fit". Hmm. I have read a number of people on Adoption UK saying that LAs tend to focus on the children they have to place, and put adopters second, and this seems to confirm it, but at least she is sending me an information pack.
I also emailed a private agency (Catholic) about 20 miles away, and they replied almost immediately to tell me about an open evening really soon (in fact, too soon, as Mr Spouse is away for work that day). So I'm going to either find out about another open evening with the Catholic agency, or the local agency said they might have them at County level.
Mr Spouse did suggest me going to the agency's open evening on my own, but I think I already know more than him from internet reading so it seems a bit counterproductive to do that - the idea is to let him find out more as well. He seems quite happy with this step - as he says, it is good to get information, it is knowing what to do with it that is hard - even though he is agnostic as a whole about how, or even whether, to pursue parenthood further if either we get bad news on Monday, or we get no news but still continue to have no luck.
It is hard for him - I said (slightly unfairly, I think) that perhaps he would prefer if I gave up the whole idea, but he says that whatever his feelings, he wants me to have what makes me happy. I know that it is not that he will be unhappy if we have children - he will be happy either way.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Worth waiting for...
Mr Spouse's swimmy things are swimming in the right direction, at the right speed, and there are plenty of them, and they are all beautiful.
And all my hormones are lovely too. I'm going to ask about the clotting factor-that-is-too-high
Just need to find out if I'm all OK inside... wimpishly I'm busy sending round mass emails asking for prayer support for my op... and reading about other people's lap & dye's and cowering. But I am also getting in the novels, knitting, and DVDs.
I am also trying to reassure myself that, even if they find no endo, the procedure seems to clear some people out in some odd, unexplained way.
And all my hormones are lovely too. I'm going to ask about the clotting factor-that-is-too-high
Just need to find out if I'm all OK inside... wimpishly I'm busy sending round mass emails asking for prayer support for my op... and reading about other people's lap & dye's and cowering. But I am also getting in the novels, knitting, and DVDs.
I am also trying to reassure myself that, even if they find no endo, the procedure seems to clear some people out in some odd, unexplained way.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Not much happening...
except that I have had a birthday, and am having a cold, as well as my period - but for once I'm not at all surprised or disappointed since it would have taken a miracle for anything else, this month, with enforced abstinence following treatment for chlamydia.
Which, by the way, I'm not sure I had. The clinic were only supposed to call us if the tests were positive, and they haven't. But being me, I can't find my letter with my patient number which I need to call myself.
Anyway, onwards and upwards, and on to my lap & dye in just over a week's time. I am nervous, but I don't think I'm as nervous as Mr Spouse. He's very sweet...
Which, by the way, I'm not sure I had. The clinic were only supposed to call us if the tests were positive, and they haven't. But being me, I can't find my letter with my patient number which I need to call myself.
Anyway, onwards and upwards, and on to my lap & dye in just over a week's time. I am nervous, but I don't think I'm as nervous as Mr Spouse. He's very sweet...
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
A guilty secret
I have got some clothes in the cupboards "in case I get pregnant". I have two pairs of trousers that were very expensive, which I bought in the summer sales with a jacket, wore for an interview in the autumn, kept for "best", and then lost so much weight I can't wear them again (the jacket went to charity a long time ago). Mainly I lost weight round my waist (7") and I think the last time I looked at them I was still assuming I'd get pregnant pretty quickly.
I also have two or three support vests/soft bras that I bought for wearing in bed. I am an F cup and got uncomfortable very fast. In fact, I am sometimes that uncomfortable in the last week of my cycle, but I just cannot bring myself to wear them while not pregnant. It was never worth buying them before I got pregnant because it doesn't happen every month and it's only a few days.
In other news - I told Mr Spouse about the boy sperm comment and his reply was "nah, they're all down the pub busy telling each other 'you don't want to go that way, it'll take you hours longer, take the A35 and that way you won't get caught up in the temporary traffic lights in Cleckhuddersfax, my mate tried that the other day, the trick is to turn off down the road just before B&Q, it looks like a cul-de-sac but in fact you can get out on to the dual carriageway'."
So there we have it. The real reason for male pattern infertility.
I also have two or three support vests/soft bras that I bought for wearing in bed. I am an F cup and got uncomfortable very fast. In fact, I am sometimes that uncomfortable in the last week of my cycle, but I just cannot bring myself to wear them while not pregnant. It was never worth buying them before I got pregnant because it doesn't happen every month and it's only a few days.
In other news - I told Mr Spouse about the boy sperm comment and his reply was "nah, they're all down the pub busy telling each other 'you don't want to go that way, it'll take you hours longer, take the A35 and that way you won't get caught up in the temporary traffic lights in Cleckhuddersfax, my mate tried that the other day, the trick is to turn off down the road just before B&Q, it looks like a cul-de-sac but in fact you can get out on to the dual carriageway'."
So there we have it. The real reason for male pattern infertility.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Anniversary...
I was typing that word earlier in a post on a board I read and thought "but they are supposed to be happy days". A year ago today I dashed to A&E with bleeding and we were reassured that all was OK, and went home hopeful - this was on the Tuesday, but for some reason today I'm thinking about the next day, when we saw the sac was empty on the scan.
Although I'm sad, I think the fact that I'm not fixated on the actual date means I'm not going to keep thinking about this in future years.
In other news: although I haven't got an actual letter through the post (rolling eyes sound effects) the gynae's secretary told me all my clotting tests were normal, apart from one which was "on the high end of normal". Having done a quick Google, I think this one is supposed to be high - but she will be contacting the haematologist so we will find out if that's the case, and also if it's linked to my migraines.
But for some reason the day 2 and day 21 tests weren't back yet - either that or the secretary couldn't find where she'd written about them - however, she said the gynae would call me. Not sure if I believe that!
Mr Spouse's turn to do something uncomfortable today - yes, you guessed it - the dreaded sample. We had one of those typical married arguments about which way to the pathology drop-off, and whether the directions we were given were wrong. My predicted result: "There are plenty of sperm and they can all swim but they are swimming round in circles, unwilling to ask for directions".
Although I'm sad, I think the fact that I'm not fixated on the actual date means I'm not going to keep thinking about this in future years.
In other news: although I haven't got an actual letter through the post (rolling eyes sound effects) the gynae's secretary told me all my clotting tests were normal, apart from one which was "on the high end of normal". Having done a quick Google, I think this one is supposed to be high - but she will be contacting the haematologist so we will find out if that's the case, and also if it's linked to my migraines.
But for some reason the day 2 and day 21 tests weren't back yet - either that or the secretary couldn't find where she'd written about them - however, she said the gynae would call me. Not sure if I believe that!
Mr Spouse's turn to do something uncomfortable today - yes, you guessed it - the dreaded sample. We had one of those typical married arguments about which way to the pathology drop-off, and whether the directions we were given were wrong. My predicted result: "There are plenty of sperm and they can all swim but they are swimming round in circles, unwilling to ask for directions".
Sunday, February 05, 2006
What we're letting ourselves in for (hopefully)
(You may need to watch an ad to see that for free).
I've been hanging out on a few adoption message boards recently, including the one at Adoption UK. I have to say, it doesn't present an unremittingly positive view of adoption, or adoptive children. One thing that strikes me is that parents of adoptive children have many problems with their children (obviously) and that there seems to be a tendency to put all of these down to either the fact of adoption (disrupted care, attachment problems) or to the abuse or neglect that most of their children have suffered. While obviously this is to some extent true, it's not very encouraging, and given that one can only change the present, not the past, makes the whole enterprise seem rather hopeless. I have even read from parents of non-abused adopted children (e.g. overseas children who were clearly abandoned, but had very little disruption in care and no abuse that they could possibly remember), of problems which have been put down purely to the fact of adoption, and not to other factors such as the child's personality or temperament, which can easily clash with that of a parent, or natural childhood "stages" which all children go through.
I have to say it made me feel strangely reassured to read a book I just bought by Anne Lamott - Plan B - in which she describes her son - not adopted - who displays so many of the characteristics of the adopted children people are describing. She has published some of these columns at Salon.com (see link above). He is a typical teen - but he has always had some problems, not entirely explicable by his father not being around. He is delightful and charming with other adults, and a complete pill (as my grandmother used to say) with his own mother. He is also, I would imagine, not quite the child his mother could have wished for. She is a writer, read complicated books as a child and loves to have educated discussions. He had problems learning to read, prefers to work with his hands, and could not be described as academic.
You don't always get the child you order - however you get them. Here's just hoping we get one, somehow.
I've been hanging out on a few adoption message boards recently, including the one at Adoption UK. I have to say, it doesn't present an unremittingly positive view of adoption, or adoptive children. One thing that strikes me is that parents of adoptive children have many problems with their children (obviously) and that there seems to be a tendency to put all of these down to either the fact of adoption (disrupted care, attachment problems) or to the abuse or neglect that most of their children have suffered. While obviously this is to some extent true, it's not very encouraging, and given that one can only change the present, not the past, makes the whole enterprise seem rather hopeless. I have even read from parents of non-abused adopted children (e.g. overseas children who were clearly abandoned, but had very little disruption in care and no abuse that they could possibly remember), of problems which have been put down purely to the fact of adoption, and not to other factors such as the child's personality or temperament, which can easily clash with that of a parent, or natural childhood "stages" which all children go through.
I have to say it made me feel strangely reassured to read a book I just bought by Anne Lamott - Plan B - in which she describes her son - not adopted - who displays so many of the characteristics of the adopted children people are describing. She has published some of these columns at Salon.com (see link above). He is a typical teen - but he has always had some problems, not entirely explicable by his father not being around. He is delightful and charming with other adults, and a complete pill (as my grandmother used to say) with his own mother. He is also, I would imagine, not quite the child his mother could have wished for. She is a writer, read complicated books as a child and loves to have educated discussions. He had problems learning to read, prefers to work with his hands, and could not be described as academic.
You don't always get the child you order - however you get them. Here's just hoping we get one, somehow.
Friday, February 03, 2006
I'm sure it's for the best really...
but it looks like it's two months "off" for us. I went to see the nurse yesterday but Mr Spouse can't make it till next week, and it's no sex (even with a condom!) till a week after the second of us is treated. Which takes us to about CD 17. And then apparently we're supposed to use contraception for the first month after the lap and dye.
I'm not exactly feeling happy about this - I suppose "resigned" is the word. Everything else is pretty tiring just now, and the whole finding-out-you-have-an-STD is pretty shocking too. But I have a few weeks which should be a bit more relaxing ahead, and my birthday (nice to have a celebration, rubbish to be 39!), so I think I was looking forward to a bit of R&R*.
*Recreation and Reproduction
I'm not exactly feeling happy about this - I suppose "resigned" is the word. Everything else is pretty tiring just now, and the whole finding-out-you-have-an-STD is pretty shocking too. But I have a few weeks which should be a bit more relaxing ahead, and my birthday (nice to have a celebration, rubbish to be 39!), so I think I was looking forward to a bit of R&R*.
*Recreation and Reproduction
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Warning: FAR too much information, explicit language and full-on emotion in this post. In fact, you probably don't want to read it.
OK, maybe I'm innocent or complacent or something but this was pretty much the one thing I didn't think could happen to us.
Among my recent round of blood tests (nine and counting) I had a couple of vaginal swabs. I had the same ones done before when I thought I had a vaginal infection and they both came back negative. No big surprise. But now one of them has come back positive.
The C word.
That's right, chlamydia. Now I already know it's not very good for my tubes, and I also know it's sexually transmitted.
Which brings us to a slight problem. Before meeting Mr Spouse, and I know this is going to beggar belief, neither of us had had intercourse (defined as: what W. Clinton thinks is sex) with anyone. We had both fooled around, and this wasn't a secret, and I know (at least, I know now - I didn't know in my 20s and early 30s when I was doing this fooling around) that oral sex can transmit chlamydia. So it is of course possible that one or other of us caught it (he has also confessed to some fooling around). I trust him that he had not had intercourse before and I also completely trust him that he is faithful. Might as well give up now if I don't, to be frank.
Okay, so it's possible for either of us to have caught it (should have listened to those youth leaders, shouldn't we? the ones that told us we should stick to holding hands), but given that before we got together I had been single for over two years, and him for at least a year, it looks like we've been passing it between ourselves for about five years. Not good for my pelvis, I don't think.
My reasons for not having that sort of sex with previous blokes have mainly been that I didn't feel that committed to them. My reason for ultimately going ahead with Mr Spouse was the same: finally someone I felt sufficiently committed to that, for example, if I did get pregnant (Ha!) it would not be a disaster. I'm probably an extreme case, but I think I have a similar decision-making process to a lot of women when it comes to sex, it's just mine has been coloured by an early and quite lengthy brush with fairly conservative Christianity, followed by years of very occasional, very brief relationships. If I had taken seriously the horror stories those youth workers told us, would I have done differently? I don't know. I might have. I might have asked to be tested for STDs after a couple of those relationships. I doubt it, though.
There is a small possibility it's a false positive though the consultant said it's less likely than my previous swab being a false negative. I imagine they'll treat both of us even if we both test negative again. So I also imagine we'll never know.
So, how does a former-nice-Christian-girl react when told she probably has an STD? One that might be the cause of infertility? Well, let's just say I'm feeling a little fragile and emotional, and a few swear words were uttered. Also something I don't normally do.
Among my recent round of blood tests (nine and counting) I had a couple of vaginal swabs. I had the same ones done before when I thought I had a vaginal infection and they both came back negative. No big surprise. But now one of them has come back positive.
The C word.
That's right, chlamydia. Now I already know it's not very good for my tubes, and I also know it's sexually transmitted.
Which brings us to a slight problem. Before meeting Mr Spouse, and I know this is going to beggar belief, neither of us had had intercourse (defined as: what W. Clinton thinks is sex) with anyone. We had both fooled around, and this wasn't a secret, and I know (at least, I know now - I didn't know in my 20s and early 30s when I was doing this fooling around) that oral sex can transmit chlamydia. So it is of course possible that one or other of us caught it (he has also confessed to some fooling around). I trust him that he had not had intercourse before and I also completely trust him that he is faithful. Might as well give up now if I don't, to be frank.
Okay, so it's possible for either of us to have caught it (should have listened to those youth leaders, shouldn't we? the ones that told us we should stick to holding hands), but given that before we got together I had been single for over two years, and him for at least a year, it looks like we've been passing it between ourselves for about five years. Not good for my pelvis, I don't think.
My reasons for not having that sort of sex with previous blokes have mainly been that I didn't feel that committed to them. My reason for ultimately going ahead with Mr Spouse was the same: finally someone I felt sufficiently committed to that, for example, if I did get pregnant (Ha!) it would not be a disaster. I'm probably an extreme case, but I think I have a similar decision-making process to a lot of women when it comes to sex, it's just mine has been coloured by an early and quite lengthy brush with fairly conservative Christianity, followed by years of very occasional, very brief relationships. If I had taken seriously the horror stories those youth workers told us, would I have done differently? I don't know. I might have. I might have asked to be tested for STDs after a couple of those relationships. I doubt it, though.
There is a small possibility it's a false positive though the consultant said it's less likely than my previous swab being a false negative. I imagine they'll treat both of us even if we both test negative again. So I also imagine we'll never know.
So, how does a former-nice-Christian-girl react when told she probably has an STD? One that might be the cause of infertility? Well, let's just say I'm feeling a little fragile and emotional, and a few swear words were uttered. Also something I don't normally do.
Later: I've just had a very satisfying thought. Perhaps I can get the clinic to ring up one, in particular, of my exes? The smug one who has two kids with a part-time primary school teacher, who left me to go back to his ex who, at the time, was pregnant with someone else's child??
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Messirs Boring, Boring and Boring, with a serving of Boring, and a side helping of Pain
Not too much of a surprise to get three negative tests in a row. But actually although my experiment has not thus far shown anything, it is true that my hypothesis was not that I’m conceiving every month, but that I’m conceiving every three to four months. So nothing disproved yet.
Also, I think it made me a bit more prepared for the inevitable, and nerdishly on time, bleeding: 12.03 am on CD29/CD1…
The pain, however, is definitely worse. I am really hoping in some way they find something to remove when I have the lap and dye, so that I can feel less pain, even if it doesn’t make any difference to the chances of conception. I’m still confused, though, why it’s so much worse since the miscarriage: if I do have endo, why haven’t I had it all these years? Why now? How come it was so easy to get pregnant the first time?
But at least I have my friendly neighbourhood drug dealer aka Mr Spouse.
Me: How many of these can I have?
Him: Ibuprofen? It’s 400mg. You can have ONE.
Me: Pleeese…. It hurts…
Him: No.
Me: Oh well. But remember to get some more when you go to the GP, OK.
Being diabetic has one compensation: free prescriptions. Which means topups of things we both use. But don’t tell the NHS. We pay enough taxes, I think, and at least I’m not taking the piss and getting free cotton wool, which they used to offer him – he prefers to use tissues for his fingers post-fingerprick…
Also, I think it made me a bit more prepared for the inevitable, and nerdishly on time, bleeding: 12.03 am on CD29/CD1…
The pain, however, is definitely worse. I am really hoping in some way they find something to remove when I have the lap and dye, so that I can feel less pain, even if it doesn’t make any difference to the chances of conception. I’m still confused, though, why it’s so much worse since the miscarriage: if I do have endo, why haven’t I had it all these years? Why now? How come it was so easy to get pregnant the first time?
But at least I have my friendly neighbourhood drug dealer aka Mr Spouse.
Me: How many of these can I have?
Him: Ibuprofen? It’s 400mg. You can have ONE.
Me: Pleeese…. It hurts…
Him: No.
Me: Oh well. But remember to get some more when you go to the GP, OK.
Being diabetic has one compensation: free prescriptions. Which means topups of things we both use. But don’t tell the NHS. We pay enough taxes, I think, and at least I’m not taking the piss and getting free cotton wool, which they used to offer him – he prefers to use tissues for his fingers post-fingerprick…
More on "One and Only"
I know two people who have one son who has an autistic spectrum disorder, and he is in each case an only child (well, I know the boys have fathers too but it is the mothers I know - so I suppose that's four people).
In one case they struggled to have children and their son is a surprise, late life child (don't know them well enough to know if fertility treatment was involved). In the other case he was just a surprise, which led to a rapid decision to move in together, and finally get married after he was born. Both are clearly loved, nay, doted on. But I'm not sure if I'd feel differently about having another child if the first had some kind of disability, or an illness that might need extra care.
If it were me, I think I would worry about a child that would need extra care, having no relatives once we reached old age. I'm sure that some selfishness - a child who needs care themselves is not going to be able to care for me - comes into it. But would it be fair to bring a second child up who knew that they would have elderly parents and a sibling in need of care? And, given that most parents have some kinds of expectations, but tend to reduce them for children who are less likely to meet them, would the other child then have all those burdens on them alone?
In one case they struggled to have children and their son is a surprise, late life child (don't know them well enough to know if fertility treatment was involved). In the other case he was just a surprise, which led to a rapid decision to move in together, and finally get married after he was born. Both are clearly loved, nay, doted on. But I'm not sure if I'd feel differently about having another child if the first had some kind of disability, or an illness that might need extra care.
If it were me, I think I would worry about a child that would need extra care, having no relatives once we reached old age. I'm sure that some selfishness - a child who needs care themselves is not going to be able to care for me - comes into it. But would it be fair to bring a second child up who knew that they would have elderly parents and a sibling in need of care? And, given that most parents have some kinds of expectations, but tend to reduce them for children who are less likely to meet them, would the other child then have all those burdens on them alone?
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The one that got away
I'm a cheap tart.
I got some £1 a shot pregnancy tests (the sensitive kind, but also the naff "stick it in a jar" kind) from the intenetty web, as Mr Spouse calls it. And I'm going to use them. Promiscuously.
I'm hoping to have my intuition - that I'm conceiving about once every three to four months but it isn't sticking - confirmed.
When I was doing the fertility meter trial they asked you to keep a diary with caffeine and alcohol intake, as well as any pregnancy tests taken. They asked you not to test until your period was late - I had one definitely late, with a pretty certain early miscarriage, and one less certainly positive, and only borderline late.
But now I feel under no obligation to wait, and I'm going to be a testing tart.
AAARGH!
Two students just came in as I was composing a post... not a nice, acronym-filled post or a deep thought-piece, but a pretty plain post about pregnancy tests.
I had my browser open in the background but had forgotten about it... you can guess the rest... one recalcitrant USB drive later, a quick attempt to shut down all the programs...
and one very red Dr Spouse. They are nice students, and one of them (the boy, unfortunately) isn't very bright. But I have a nasty feeling the girl saw everything... and worked it out.
I had my browser open in the background but had forgotten about it... you can guess the rest... one recalcitrant USB drive later, a quick attempt to shut down all the programs...
and one very red Dr Spouse. They are nice students, and one of them (the boy, unfortunately) isn't very bright. But I have a nasty feeling the girl saw everything... and worked it out.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Oh dear
Someone found my blog by searching for "spouse not happy about pregnancy" on MSN. Hope they are OK... Someone else I know with a blog, whose son is one and has spina bifida (but has already started standing up, and whose physio said "if I hadn't been told about him I'd wonder why I was seeing him"), had a Google hit with "20 week scan bad news". Those random people we worry about...
In other news, I am now seven (count them, seven) vials of blood lighter. It's a classic 2 week wait for the results... though there is one (I suspect one of the clotting factor ones that requires a genetic test) that takes longer. But before then I'll know if I'm ovulating (well, that won't be too surprising!) and if I'm immune to rubella (again, pretty sure I am).
In other news, I am now seven (count them, seven) vials of blood lighter. It's a classic 2 week wait for the results... though there is one (I suspect one of the clotting factor ones that requires a genetic test) that takes longer. But before then I'll know if I'm ovulating (well, that won't be too surprising!) and if I'm immune to rubella (again, pretty sure I am).
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